Considering a married BF

N

natalie

New member
Okay, I've been lurking around, and I like the discussions on here. So I would like to try to get some insight or comments from you guys.

A lot of posts I see are from married people, in established relationships, considering something/working through something.

What if you're the new person, though?

I'm in my 20s, but I kind of have little experience with dating. I've been in a non-physical relationship with someone for a few years. Basically, we were best friends, but he just really really wanted the label of BF. We broke up a few months ago. So I've had a very boring past.

Now I've really fallen for this married guy. He's been in an open marriage for a long time, but claims now he wants it to just be me and his wife.

A lot of my hesitance is that I don't believe you can go from a "free" life to controlling yourself. If he's used to hooking up with whoever he wants at parties or during his travels, how can he keep it to just two people, especially if we'll only see each other a few times a year (and that's being hopeful)?

And he's also just... really physical. From what I gather, he's been in group situations, foursomes, says he's a voyeur, etc. And I'm reeeeeeally inexperienced. I'm afraid the new physical things added on to to knowledge that we're not "really together" will be too much for me.

His wife has a bf, yet he is married and they don't see each other often. I text my friend every day, and if we don't for a few hours, it's a bit strange. He has even commented that he feels bad when he doesn't talk to me much during the day.

This guy says his dream is for us to live together. I'm not sure I can do that much. But because of how much I like him, and it's torturing me not being able to hang out, I could see myself at least moving closer to him, but living on my own.

I have not met his wife yet. I might soon. However, it will probably be brief. I am visiting him, but she just happened to have a lot of things going on that weekend she can't change.

Sometimes I feel a twinge of jealousy when he talks about her; sometimes I am intrigued about being in his life with her; but I've never dealt with this before, and I know thinking about it will be different than actually interacting with the two of them.

Right now it's mostly talk. He calls me his girlfriend, but I don't really feel like it. I worry that when I visit him, physical things will happen before I find out if I am okay being his "second person," since his wife won't be around much for me to see how a life hanging out with them would go.

Should I hold off on being physical? I'm afraid it will just make me fall for him way more than I can deal with, being long distance, and knowing that I can't talk about my "boyfriend" with anyone, and being bummed I am so far away, while he lives with his wife.

Because I am so worried, does this mean a poly relationship is not for me?

Does anyone have stories of when they FIRST started? What should you not do in the beginning? I am so worried I'm not what he wants, or his wife won't like me, or I will just be overwhelmed with awkwardness, hurt, or worry. 😕

Also, have any of you gone from an open relationship (anyone, anytime, etc, enjoying the variety of people you can be with) to stopping and committing to two people? Did you miss a larger more open life? I don't understand how someone can be used to having permission to be with whoever, and then want to stop to be with just two people, especially if one isnt near him enough to fulfill whatever he wants.

Thanks for reading. I'm really hoping for some opinions and your own experiences, if you can relate!
 
Hi Natalie,

I, myself, am the "new person." I'm dating a man, Orem, who's married to Astrid. She's not dating anyone, though. I'm also fairly inexperienced. In fact, Orem is my first relationship. He was also my first kiss. Luckily, we are not long distance.

I'm not able to share it with a lot of people, for various reasons, which was especially hard in the throes of NRE of my first relationship. It's still not my favorite thing. But it works.

I feel like we have a decent amount in common. :)

Whether or not this relationship is what you want is something only you can decide. But I wouldn't let being inexperienced stop you from trying, if it's a road you think is worth going down. It is wise, IMO, to be cautious about going too far, too fast, physically, especially when you haven't done much before. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be sure. And if he's a good guy, he'll understand you needing to go at whatever pace you are comfortable.
 
Natalie, I don't have much advice, but you're definitely not alone. I'm pretty new to polyamory too. I'm the girlfriend (for lack of a better word) of a married couple. We're a triad, all together. I freak out a lot. I wonder if I can handle it, everything you're talking about. But I do know that I love being around my couple. They're away from me right now and I'm miserable! That makes me want to continue, despite all the worries.

I definitely don't think that being worried about it means it's not for you. If you're willing to work at the things that bug you, and you decide you want it, then I think this can work for you. I'd just say to be honest about it, and hopefully your man (and hopefully, his wife) will be supportive. Try not to freak out and run off. ;) I've done it a few times, it helps notadamnthing!!!
 
Yes. Someone with more experience can go from all those adventures to settling down with just one/two/handful of people.

In polyamory, it is quite common for people to start out with a stage of exploration. They might first try swinging or an open marriage. Maybe it doesn`t feel good. Maybe it feels like something is missing. So they keep working at themselves, trying to figure out who they are, and what they need.

Many find polyamory, and poly partners, and have that feeling of wanting to settle down. It is a very natural feeling. It gives some people that sense of "coming home."

The same thing can happen in a monogamous relationship. Someone single may go out to the bar scene, and may party lots, chat lots, and carry on. Once they find "the One," they stop a lot of those behaviours.

The key is talking to your significant other, and asking some deeper questions about why they feel this way. Someone who views their former experiences as part of the path that led them to find what they really want sounds quite in tune.

Someone who is offering to settle, just to please you and keep you... well, that could be a different story altogether.

Find out if the experiences were part of what that person believed was representative of them, or behaviours as they were learning about themselves. There is a definite difference. Good luck.
 
Thanks. To the ones that replied saying they're with a married guy, what was it like meeting his wife the first time? I know she knows his past girls, and from things I've gathered, they've all hung out with her BF. So I guess it's normal to them, just obviously not to me.

Thanks for the input, Superjast. It is interesting because my friend did at one point say something like, maybe he's just been hooking up with people to find that stronger connection or something. I can't remember the specific words he used, but it did almost sound like a "path" to find the second someone. He's said he wants to stop everything else because he didn't have enough of an emotional connection with others.

One, it is still hard to believe he feels that connection with me. Two, the fact that he has an "open" mentality makes me think he's just going to fall for a third girl and claim he really really loves her too. He says he won't let that happen or something, but I know firsthand people can't help how they feel, even if its not for the best. I have a one-focus mentality, as in, when I focus on someone/something, I focus on it. I could never have multiple relationships and I wouldn't be intrigued/tempted by casual relationships without that emotional stability/promise of a future.

I am afraid that him having a poly mindset will just make him either emotionally fall for more and more girls, or not be able to stop himself physically when he wants someone.

I'm working on being okay with his wife because I'm just an add-on, really. I know she's first, and I knew she was important to him from the beginning. But I told him I am not okay with him being with other girls, or in the future wanting to add on someone after me.

Basically, he says all the right things. I just don't feel right in trusting it all.
 
When I first met Astrid, they were still engaged, and he hadn't openly spoken of his desire to have a polyamorous relationship. We were fast becoming good friends. I sensed that we might become something more, but I didn't know how. There was a group event, and she came to meet us. I was pretty nervous, even though we weren't dating. But she was really nice and we had a lot in common, so it went well. I definitely felt a new sense of awkwardness when he and I started dating, though. Astrid and I are both a bit shy. Still figuring it all out. All in all, though, she and I get along well.
 
I think it's probably okay not to trust it right now, but give him a chance to prove it or prove otherwise.

I actually met H about a year before B, so I don't have any good advice there. We also all went in to this relationship at the same time, even though there was some different intentions at the beginning. Maybe try to think of meeting her like anyone else you meet. It'll feel more normal to you the more you're around it.
 
Hi Natalie. It sounds like your conscience is telling you something about this situation. I suggest you listen to it. I don't know what it might be, but if it doesn't seem right somehow, then it seems to me that exploring that might be a really good idea... at least slowing everything down until that feeling changes, one way or another.

I had a bit of a red flag when you talked about him moving you in. I wondered if perhaps he is the type that gets all caught up in the "idea" of something rather than the reality. Maybe this is his ultimate goal with SOMEone, but not necessarily you, and he has projected this onto you. Perhaps he gets caught up in the fantasy or perhaps not. It sounds like it is too early to tell, and therefore, you have every right to be cautious. I wouldn't call it worry. Worry, for me, is for when I can't do anything about a situation right now, I am just thinking about it way too much. Cautious seems to fit better to your situation, because you are purposely waiting to see, taking your time and letting it all unfold. Very good idea, I think. I think you would be doing yourself a disservice to not go at the pace that suits you best.

There is a lot of info on these forums that might be helpful in terms of your other questions. Doing a term search or looking in Golden Nuggets might help.
 
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I didn't go from "open" to "committed" in a poly relationship, but I did go from having casual sex with men to not having it at all, and "settling down" with my husband.

However, that's casual sex. I'm still polyamorous, and still able to fall in love. And, well... I hear people have different levels of "polysaturation," so maybe his is two. That would mean that just like mono people have just one person, and new people would not be considered, when he has the two of you in a committed way, new people would not be considered.

However, I'm not sure how easy or possible it is to know your level of polysaturation. I'm in love with three people right now, and when I fell for the third one I freaked out, because I thought, two is one thing, but three? That's "too much!" (Don't ask me why I thought that. Baby steps, I guess?)

I'm not saying he's not being sincere here. I'm just leery of "I won't fall in love" and things like that. Because I always think, how do you know? You can't control these things. You can only decide how you act. And setting yourself up for not being able to be with someone you love (a potential third) seems sad to me.

Would you feel terrible if he had another committed partner? And did he say he wouldn't? Maybe he just doesn't want to be casual again. In that case, I would trust him more easily because it's about actions. And maybe he got what he wanted out of going out, etc., and now doesn't have a need for any of that anymore.

If you guys ended up together in a committed relationship, and a few years down the road, he met someone, told you about her, and asked how you felt about it, do you think you might be okay with it, or does it sound to you like it would be too painful?

I'm not saying that will happen. I'm simply wondering if your problem is only with him going out and meeting lots of people and having casual encounters.
 
Tonberry said:
I'm just leery of "I won't fall in love" and things like that. Because I always think, how do you know? You can't control these things. You can only decide how you act.
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That's exactly what I've said to him, but he always claims he's sure of everything in his life. I will probably ask about it again, but from what I can recall he said something like he won't "let" himself do it because he won't be as open with other girls, because he knows it would make me unhappy. And he's told me that if his wife was not okay with what he did, he wouldn't do it, so I guess he's trying to convince me that he would have the same care for me.

On the same thread of, "How do you know?" I guess can be my same thought, "If in a few years, would I be okay with him adding on another person?" Obviously, I just can't know. But right now it sounds painful. Right now I still feel a little "special." I think II wouldn't feel that way if he had more people, and it would hurt me.

Because of how our relationship occurred, it doesn't make me feel special. It just makes me think he can have a relationship like this with any girl that likes him. This has moved really fast. We've literally only been talking 3 months, have met in person twice-ish, and he is using the L-word and talking about our future. This bothers me too, because he says he "loves" LOTS of people, but his love for me is stronger than with his other friends. But that still doesn't sit well with me, if he just tells everyone he loves them, even if, in his mind, there are "levels."

It just feels shady and weird, how fast it's gone, and how much he claims to care for me, even though we haven't seen each other in person that much.

I also always tell him, I just feel like I'm one in a long line of girls he has/wants to hook up with, and that's it. The "openness" of his (supposedly past now, according to him) sex life bothers me a lot, that things like that are not a big deal to him, while they are a huge deal to me.
 
I understand. You want to feel special. I think you can feel special even if you're not the only one (for instance, how you feel special to your parents without being an only child, etc.), but I can definitely see how you could feel like just a line on a chalkboard if he's had lots of other people before you.

It seems to me, though, that he cares about you enough to stop the rest. He didn't do it for the others, or you wouldn't have met. At some point there is a line between the effort he has to put in to show how special you are and make you feel truly appreciated, and the amount of insecurity you need to get rid of. It's not easy in your situation, though. Things are piled up against you. You don't have much experience, so that's one thing you can feel insecure about. He's far away, another thing. He's married, another thing. He has lots of experience, another thing.

So I can totally see where you're coming from. If it's going too fast for you, I would say to tell him that, and have him slow down. After all, if you are special to him, he'll want to respect you, and respect your pace, and let you set it.

When I asked about "in a few years," I did want to know what you felt about this potential scenario now. Of course, what you would actually feel, nobody can know. But putting yourself in a situation that removes the distance, the newness, the "weakness" of the relationship, and seeing if the feelings are still there might help you see if that's what's causing them, or not.

I find this kind of exercise helpful. Forever, asking a mono wife, "If you were 100% sure he'd never leave you for her or stop loving you, would it be better?" helps you know if the jealousy is tied to those feelings.
 
Hmm... I would feel strange if I were in that situation, mainly because of the long-distance factor, where you haven't gotten to hang out in person much. It's hard to know if you want to live with someone from talking online. When you use the word "shady," that sends a message to me that you seem to be more than a little uncomfortable with the possibilities. Do you feel that because of his openness and love for everyone that he is insincere or glib in his proclamations to you? If you don't trust him, I could see that causing some problems. Do you think he is trustworthy?
 
Tonberry, it's funny you use the only-child example, because I am an only child and have not dealt with siblings, and my family is really small. lol.

But yes, I know I am really insecure. I would be insecure in a normal relationship and this just adds on a LOT more than I ever ever ever imagined.

"If you were 100% sure he'd never leave you for her or stop loving you, would it be better?"

When it comes to "new" people, even if I somehow knew he wouldn't love me less or leave me, I would still feel bad. For example, if I were his wife right now, and he was speaking to someone like he does to me right now, and talking to her as often as he does, I would feel really awful about it. But she knows and is okay with it, I guess because that's just how they work. But I don't think I could.

I think the fact that I haven't run away screaming yet is that I knew from the beginning that his wife was superior, and I know deep down if she is not okay with me, this will stop. So it's like I've resigned myself to that. I don't want to resign myself to even more if he falls in love with more girls.

ray said:
Do you feel that because of his openness and love for everyone, that he is insincere or glib in his proclamations to you? If you don't trust him, I could see that causing some problems. Do you think he is trustworthy?
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Nail on the head. I don't think he's trustworthy, but he hasn't exactly done/shown me anything to prove that, just the fact that he is open and "in love" (lust?) with me, while the same with his wife, and his past of casual hook-ups, is where the not-trusting comes from.
 
redpepper said:
It sounds like your conscience is telling you something about this situation. I suggest you listen to it.
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Well, as I said on the last page, I am still going with this.

As to the future, things change, we all change, and that is all to be determined as it comes to light. There is no way of knowing until we come across it.
 
You say you feel his wife is "superior." It follows that you think you are inferior. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of you entering a relationship in which, from the get go, you feel inferior, and like you could be "discarded" at any time. That doesn't seem very fair, to me. And of course you'd feel bad about it, insecure, uncomfortable! I suggest you talk about all of that with them. If you can get the opportunity to talk to his wife, too, that might help you, as well. Then you can see how that works for you.

The bottom line is, don't go too far if you don't think it's for you. It's important for everyone in a relationship to feel loved and respected and be fine with things. You shouldn't force it if you don't, or you'll always feel miserable about it.
 
Hey Natalie,

Here's what your post suggested to me. In your writing, I read way too much of a "mono" thought process. You seem to really be concerned about having what amounts to a mono, or some might say poly-fi (to me, nothing more than a tweaked mono), relationship to be happy and comfortable.

I'd suggest you take some time to do some deep soul searching about what polyamory really is, and means to you.

Remember, the foundation of polyamorous love is "love without limits." Are you really convinced of the rightness of this?

It's a belief system. You have to embrace it totally. You either believe it's the best way to live for yourself and those you choose to embrace, or you don't. Simple as that.

I see way too many people who are really on the fence. They want the benefits, but are either not willing to put forth the effort, or take the negatives that come with it. There is always balance. Nothing is ever all one way. I think you need to find clarity on this for yourself. If you do, most of the questions you have will provide their own answers.
 
GroundedSpirit, thanks for the advice. :)

I know... I'm pretty positive I'm a monoamorous person. I don't know if this the best life for me. But I really have connected with this guy, and that's why it's hard. If I didn't feel so strongly about him, I wouldn't be considering this. So that's the only reason I want to research the "poly lifestyle," like on these forums, because I really feel connected with him, but not his lifestyle, I guess... which maybe means I can't do a relationship with him.
 
It is possible to do a mono/poly relationship, although I hear it's pretty hard. There are people on here who have experience with that, and lots of blogs/posts talking about it. For some people, it's worth the struggle. For some, it's not.
 
ray said:
It is possible to do a mono/poly relationship, although I hear it's pretty hard.
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Yes, but if I may point something out, in this situation, the mono person in the relationship is coming into it as a secondary partner. That is far different from a mono/poly combo in which the mono partner and poly partner are primaries, and I fear that will only make the difficulties in a mono/poly combination even harder to deal with.

Sorry, I'm new here. I just thought that was an important thing to note. Just my $.02.
 
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It depends on life stage, and what you want to do in your life, as to what kind of relationship dynamic will work for you. When you haven't done and wish to do the marriage and kid thing, then being a secondary might not work for you, but when you already have and are looking for independence, or are fine doing other things in life and having the company of another some of the time, it might work.

Mono, my partner, has had a wife and kid, but he cheated on his wife for a number of years. :( He never thought anyone would love him again. He is quite content with what he has now. He says he is my secondary, out of respect for my husband, PN, but to me he is my OP, my OSO; my other primary or other significant other.
 
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