Settling In

[Magdlyn]

Wow. I am not ballistic, but I am not big into threesomes, so I can feel for Adam. Um, had you met Ethan's wife before? Was there any kind of attraction noted on your own side? Are you attracted to her or was she just a convenient body? What is her sexual health status? Did Ethan ever tell you she'd be willing to just, at the drop of a hat, have sex with his partner (you), or any other of his partners, past or present? Is this a common things for this couple, to just spontaneously bang whoever happens to be around?

I can see you and Ethan were already aroused, so you'd stick your dick into anything that happened by. Sorry to be gross, but I hope you know what I mean. Penises can be pretty indiscriminate. But Adam wasn't there. He wasn't in the sex soup with you all. He is startled to have you suddenly add another sex partner. Maybe he's wondering if this is going to become a regular thing. Maybe he's wondering if it's wise to be having romantic/sexual relations with two people of the same couple.

Had you discussed the dynamics of what happened with Ethan and his wife after the deed was done and the seed was spent? Sometimes we can get swept up in the heat of the moment and then regret it heartily a couple days later. Well, I can. I don't know about you. Each one of you, you, Ethan, his wife (needs a nickname) and Adam will have their own unique reactions to this, ranging from woohoo! to oh shit, what did I do? to ugh, that's a shock and I find it kinda gross or scary. Everyone's feelings are valid.

I'm with Adam. I'm really surprised that this happened. Had you and Ethan discussed this quite a bit, with each other, and with his wife, and the time was just right... but Adam had no idea something like this could happen?

If I were that wife, if I saw your car outside, I'd have not gone into the designated sex bedroom. If I was clueless and wandered in and saw what was happening, I'd have just said, Oh sorry! turned tail and walked right back out, briskly!

 

[XJskyboy]

Wow. I am not ballistic, but I am not big into threesomes, so I can feel for Adam. Um, had you met Ethan's wife before? Was there any kind of attraction noted on your own side? Are you attracted to her or was she just a convenient body? What is her sexual health status? Did Ethan ever tell you she'd be willing to just, at the drop of a hat, have sex with his partner (you), or any other of his partners, past or present? Is this a common things for this couple, to just spontaneously bang whoever happens to be around?

I can see you and Ethan were already aroused, so you'd stick your dick into anything that happened by. Sorry to be gross, but I hope you know what I mean. Penises can be pretty indiscriminate. But Adam wasn't there. He wasn't in the sex soup with you all. He is startled to have you suddenly add another sex partner. Maybe he's wondering if this is going to become a regular thing. Maybe he's wondering if it's wise to be having romantic/sexual relations with two people of the same couple.

Had you discussed the dynamics of what happened with Ethan and his wife after the deed was done and the seed was spent? Sometimes we can get swept up in the heat of the moment and then regret it heartily a couple days later. Well, I can. I don't know about you. Each one of you, you, Ethan, his wife (needs a nickname) and Adam will have their own unique reactions to this, ranging from woohoo! to oh shit, what did I do? to ugh, that's a shock and I find it kinda gross or scary. Everyone's feelings are valid.

I'm with Adam. I'm really surprised that this happened. Had you and Ethan discussed this quite a bit, with each other, and with his wife, and the time was just right... but Adam had no idea something like this could happen?

If I were that wife, if I saw your car outside, I'd have not gone into the designated sex bedroom. If I was clueless and wandered in and saw what was happening, I'd have just said, Oh sorry! turned tail and walked right back out, briskly!

Thank you for your (as always) honest reply and extremely good points. It gave me a lot of insight.

To answer the questions, his GF and I have met many times and while I do find her attractive, I never had any intention of a threesome with them. That was Ethan's suggestion and I just went along with it on his suggestion. Probably poor judgement on my part.

To your sexual health question, we haven't had that conversation, but we utilized safe sex practices throughout.

Ethan and I had never discussed a threesome with his gf before.

I guess in my mind it was similar to any other threesome Adam and I had in the past separate of each other. But I completely understand your points as to why it is not.

Thank you.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for your (as always) honest reply and extremely good points. It gave me a lot of insight.

To answer the questions, his GF and I have met many times

Oh, sorry, I thought you said wife.

and while I do find her attractive, I never had any intention of a threesome with them. That was Ethan's suggestion and I just went along with it on his suggestion. Probably poor judgement on my part.

Kind of a rash decision, yeah.

To your sexual health question, we haven't had that conversation, but we utilized safe sex practices throughout.

Ethan and I had never discussed a threesome with his gf before.

Damn. That was super spontaneous of you all. And I know what a temper Adam has, and how he has trouble IDing and dealing with his emotions, so you might have expected a bad reaction. But you had no thought for Adam at the time, because you were thinking with your penis alone.

I guess in my mind it was similar to any other threesome Adam and I had in the past separate of each other. But I completely understand your points as to why it is not.

Thank you.

Well, maybe there was a bit more preparation, emotional and otherwise, to those other group sex experiences? You tell me.

 

[XJskyboy]

Oh, sorry, I thought you said wife.

Kind of a rash decision, yeah.

Damn. That was super spontaneous of you all. And I know what a temper Adam has, and how he has trouble IDing and dealing with his emotions, so you might have expected a bad reaction. But you had no thought for Adam at the time, because you were thinking with your penis alone.

Well, maybe there was a bit more preparation, emotional and otherwise, to those other group sex experiences? You tell me.

No worries. GF/Wife, they cohabitate and have been together for a long time, just haven't gotten formally married.

And you're right, since we were already going at it when she arrived, I was thinking with my penis, not my brain.

As to the final, I wouldn't say there wasn't more preparation because some of them were pretty spontaneous but on the reverse side of the coin, in none of those situations was I dating one of them. So that's where I really failed to think it through.

Adam and I got the chance to talk on lunch break and he said it wasn't the fact THAT I had a threesome, it was who I had a threesome with and that it made him feel vulnerable. He apologized for flying off the handle and I apologized for acting impulsively in a situation that really required discussion ahead of time, not after the fact. So I think things are healing.

I just need to keep all of this in mind if the situation ever comes up again. Again, thank you so much.

 

[Magdlyn]

Jeez, now I am over the migraine I had yesterday into this morning, I see you said gf and even called her Simone. I'm sorry to be dense.

This just happened yesterday so I imagine you haven't had a chance to talk it over with Ethan and/or Simone yet, to see if they both feel okay about it or if they maybe regret it too. I'm not saying this was a total mistake, but it is a life lesson for sure.

 

[XJskyboy]

Jeez, now I am over the migraine I had yesterday into this morning, I see you said gf and even called her Simone. I'm sorry to be dense.

This just happened yesterday so I imagine you haven't had a chance to talk it over with Ethan and/or Simone yet, to see if they both feel okay about it or if they maybe regret it too. I'm not saying this was a total mistake, but it is a life lesson for sure.

Haha you're not dense at all. And I'm glad the migraine is gone.

That's correct. Since I said good bye to Ethan this morning, we haven't communicated (both working) and while I consider Simone a friend, we don't usually communicate outside in-person interactions (I'm not a big texter lol). So it's definitely a topic that will need to be brought up all around.

 

[Albert Ross]

I'm with Adam. I'm really surprised that this happened.

Counterpoint: I'm not with Adam. There is a through line in all of XJskyboy's posts where Adam has very poor emotional regulation around XJskyboy's dating/sex with others, and that is really a skill that needs to be improved to be happy and successful in polyamory.

A common article (I don't have the link handy, but it's probably around here) cited for people who open up relationships is called The Most Skipped Step. In brief, it says a huge paradigm shift when opening is you now have less of a claim to your partner's time, attention, and behaviour.

So the article discusses working on disentangling yourselves from each other. Ideally, before opening up. But it also needs to be an ongoing process as you're dating.

Unless you have specific agreements to the contrary, it is reasonable and expected that either you, XJskyboy, or Adam will be having sex with other people any time and anywhere and any way that you want. You are autonomous individuals in consensually non-monogamous relationships.

So you consented to a sudden and unexpected threesome. It sounds like the person who should be the most emotionally destabilized by that event is... you. You're the one whose metamour walked in on you having sex. You're the one who then, in the heat of the moment, had to decide "Do I want to have a threesome with this person I don't know all that well?"

You didn't have the threesome at Adam, or about Adam. Your sex had nothing to do with him.

Adam can certainly be surprised, taken aback, sad, embarrassed, confused—he's allowed to have all sorts of big weird feelings upon being told you had a threesome. But you know what would be a great look for a partner in a polyamorous relationship? If their response was to NOT "blow up at you" like you punched their mom in the face, but instead to say, "Whoa, that's surprising, and I'm not sure how I feel about it... but, how are you doing? That must have been super weird!"

A key skill for a partner (not just in polyamory, but certainly there, too) is not dumping all of your negative emotions onto your partners. Adam sounds really bad at this skill.

 

[Magdlyn]

Albert, I certainly don't disagree with you. Adam does have trouble dealing with other people's behaviors. He tends to lose his shit, and that's on him.

In my own situation, if my gf or bf suddenly had sex with a new person out of the blue, I'd be taken aback. But we've been settled in our N configuration for some time. The only one that is dating around a bit is my bf Aries, and he always lets me know ahead of time when he's going to be in a situation where sex might happen with a newer person. He had one MFM threesome a few months ago too, with the husband of a woman he'd had about three dates with, but it was planned in advance that they'd be meeting and doing that if the chemistry was right.

I think, besides Adam's disregulation of his emotions, there are precedents in relationships, and if someone does something out of the ordinary, it's okay to be surprised and even a bit upset. It seems understandable to me. I don't think it always means you're too entangled.

 

[Albert Ross]

there are precedents in relationships, and if someone does something out of the ordinary, it's okay to be surprised and even a bit upset. It seems understandable to me. I don't think it always means you're too entangled.

I agree with you! In my opinion, the "too entangled" is about the emotional self-regulation, not the emotions themselves. How do you behave when your partner breaks with precedent? is the operative question.

I think when people are "too" entangled (to do polyamory smoothly, anyway) they react to their partner doing something that makes them uncomfortable with "how could you hurt me like this???!!!" (even if subconsciously)—instead of accepting that it's not their partner's responsibility to behave in a way that never causes any discomfort.

 

[XJskyboy]

Thank you both for your feedback. It’s extremely helpful on both sides. I think in retrospect, all of us made bad decisions and we can all learn from it. I think Simone made a mistake walking in pretty much knowing that Ethan and I were probably having sex, I think Ethan made a mistake asking her to join, I think I made a huge mistake not speaking up and just following whatever direction the wind was blowing and I think Adam made a mistake flying off the handle rather than having a rational conversation about his feelings and boundaries. I’m hopeful we can all learn from this. Thank you again.