Recently my husband and I discussed opening up our marriage, on his side only. We've been talking about it for a month or so now. We've been discussing boundaries, expectations, etc. He knows how unfair it is that he's asking for his side to be open while mine remains closed. He wants to include me, and we're also looking for a FFM situation in the meantime. Our sex life has been fantastic over the last month, like, we can't keep our hands off each other type of thing. We're more open and vulnerable to each other than we've ever been in the almost 5 years that we've been together.
I've told him repeatedly that I want to know what's going on, not be left in the dark when he gets a solo partner. A few nights ago, I told him I would be more comfortable with a threesome first, just because the thought of seeing him with another woman, if I were to be there somehow, I thought it might make it easier to grasp.
Anyway, the whole reason an open marriage/threesome was brought up was because of his desire to have sex with an ex (that left him, the only one that ever has), with or without me there. This is an ex that I also know. He was unsure of his reasoning for wanting to be with her again, if there were feelings (at one point they thought they were soulmates), or if it was just vengeful feelings for her dumping him. That scared both of us.
Also, he didn't want to feel restricted to sex with just one person anymore. He explained it as ours is more passionate, for the most part. Sometimes it was just good old "need it, down and dirty" fucking. He wants just down and dirty fucking with someone else, his own boundaries being no kissing, cuddling, feelings (other than friendly ones), and that he always comes home to our stability, which he genuinely doesn't want to lose. At the same time he assured me repeatedly that he would tell me (though he didn't think it was a good idea) if something were to happen with someone, but that he wasn't looking right now.
I travel a lot with my job; this summer I was gone at least 1 night a week every week. One of the weeks when I was gone multiple nights, I texted the lady mentioned earlier, just to see if I could meet up with her and talk when I got back to town. I think I would've done anything to make his dreams come true of having a threesome with the both of us, because of how hot it made us for each other when sexting about it earlier in the week. She thought it was weird that I reached out to her (which duh, obviously it was). I never got to the point of discussing anything sexual with her. I tell my husband about this and he is in shock that I actually texted her.
She kept cropping up in our discussions for the next couple weeks. Last week he sent me screenshots of him texting her to see if she would be interested in meeting up. The screenshots and conversation with him made me believe that she wasn't interested, so he was going to drop it for the time being. But he might try again in 10 years or so, once her kids are out of the house.
We then discussed how I felt like a place holder. I thought he would leave me as soon as she decided she wanted him again and left her husband. He didn't deny it. He said he didn't know what would happen, because he didn't know if there were feelings, or what was going to happen with us down the road. He did indicate that if it were to happen right now, he wouldn't leave me, because things were good. He just couldn't assure anything in the distant future.
This week I've been struggling with not feeling as close to him and I've been acting strange. I could feel something was off, so I did things that weren't normal. I was in bed waiting for him at one point, with one of our toys. He thought I was excluding him and we were both upset at each other the rest of the night and into morning.
I texted while at work letting him know I hoped he would have a good day and that I didn't want him to be upset with me anymore. He dropped the bombshell that he had been having sex with the ex mentioned earlier. 4 times, with 7-10 meet ups in the last 2 weeks, the first time being while I was out of town for work.
The most recent time something happened was the Friday before his birthday. I'd planned a getaway for us that weekend. We went and it was fantastic, so much talking and discussion, and great sex. He said he almost told me while we were there, and then a couple more times since they had been meeting in secret. He didn't know how to bring it up, so he opted to do so through text. He came clean and told me everything. The screenshot conversations were fake exchanges between them, because she was worried that I knew about them, and she has a marriage she doesn't want to lose. Any question I had, he answered.
We both worry about the trust issues we will have now. My issues are obvious. He thinks I will have sex with another guy out of vengeance, which is just not who I am.
While the person it is hurts, the lies hurt the worst. Since day 1 with him I've been up front about how honesty was my biggest non-negotiable. I hate lies more than anything. When you lie to someone it's because you think they're stupid.
How do I get over the lies?
How do I accept that this is the woman he is having sex with, outside of me?
I've told him repeatedly that I want to know what's going on, not be left in the dark when he gets a solo partner. A few nights ago, I told him I would be more comfortable with a threesome first, just because the thought of seeing him with another woman, if I were to be there somehow, I thought it might make it easier to grasp.
Anyway, the whole reason an open marriage/threesome was brought up was because of his desire to have sex with an ex (that left him, the only one that ever has), with or without me there. This is an ex that I also know. He was unsure of his reasoning for wanting to be with her again, if there were feelings (at one point they thought they were soulmates), or if it was just vengeful feelings for her dumping him. That scared both of us.
Also, he didn't want to feel restricted to sex with just one person anymore. He explained it as ours is more passionate, for the most part. Sometimes it was just good old "need it, down and dirty" fucking. He wants just down and dirty fucking with someone else, his own boundaries being no kissing, cuddling, feelings (other than friendly ones), and that he always comes home to our stability, which he genuinely doesn't want to lose. At the same time he assured me repeatedly that he would tell me (though he didn't think it was a good idea) if something were to happen with someone, but that he wasn't looking right now.
I travel a lot with my job; this summer I was gone at least 1 night a week every week. One of the weeks when I was gone multiple nights, I texted the lady mentioned earlier, just to see if I could meet up with her and talk when I got back to town. I think I would've done anything to make his dreams come true of having a threesome with the both of us, because of how hot it made us for each other when sexting about it earlier in the week. She thought it was weird that I reached out to her (which duh, obviously it was). I never got to the point of discussing anything sexual with her. I tell my husband about this and he is in shock that I actually texted her.
She kept cropping up in our discussions for the next couple weeks. Last week he sent me screenshots of him texting her to see if she would be interested in meeting up. The screenshots and conversation with him made me believe that she wasn't interested, so he was going to drop it for the time being. But he might try again in 10 years or so, once her kids are out of the house.
We then discussed how I felt like a place holder. I thought he would leave me as soon as she decided she wanted him again and left her husband. He didn't deny it. He said he didn't know what would happen, because he didn't know if there were feelings, or what was going to happen with us down the road. He did indicate that if it were to happen right now, he wouldn't leave me, because things were good. He just couldn't assure anything in the distant future.
This week I've been struggling with not feeling as close to him and I've been acting strange. I could feel something was off, so I did things that weren't normal. I was in bed waiting for him at one point, with one of our toys. He thought I was excluding him and we were both upset at each other the rest of the night and into morning.
I texted while at work letting him know I hoped he would have a good day and that I didn't want him to be upset with me anymore. He dropped the bombshell that he had been having sex with the ex mentioned earlier. 4 times, with 7-10 meet ups in the last 2 weeks, the first time being while I was out of town for work.
The most recent time something happened was the Friday before his birthday. I'd planned a getaway for us that weekend. We went and it was fantastic, so much talking and discussion, and great sex. He said he almost told me while we were there, and then a couple more times since they had been meeting in secret. He didn't know how to bring it up, so he opted to do so through text. He came clean and told me everything. The screenshot conversations were fake exchanges between them, because she was worried that I knew about them, and she has a marriage she doesn't want to lose. Any question I had, he answered.
We both worry about the trust issues we will have now. My issues are obvious. He thinks I will have sex with another guy out of vengeance, which is just not who I am.
While the person it is hurts, the lies hurt the worst. Since day 1 with him I've been up front about how honesty was my biggest non-negotiable. I hate lies more than anything. When you lie to someone it's because you think they're stupid.
How do I get over the lies?
How do I accept that this is the woman he is having sex with, outside of me?
