I think I am polyamorous. Please help!

L

livsen

New member
Hi everyone,

Oh gee, I´m afraid this could be a long thread, so please bear with me.

I've been in a great relationship with my boyfriend for 4½ years now. We own our own house, have no kids, and love each other to death.

He's much more sexual than me. I often feel quite bad because I can´t give him everything he deserves sexually. I got sick last year and have basically been bedbound ever since, with a lot of pain and exhaustion. This has made our relationship much stronger though. We are both 100% sure that we are meant to be together or life. I don't enjoy sex very much because I have a lot of pain, and that makes me SO sad, on his and my own behalf.

I have always had a lust for other men, when I have been in a relationship, but I never pursued it, as I'm against being unfaithful. I still have the fantasies. Now I`m thinking of introducing my boyfriend to the idea. I think in this way his sexual needs would be met, since he could have sex with another girl, and I would love that.

I would like to try to be with another man, but not in a relationship kind of way, just for sex and perhaps cuddles. And only with the same person one time, not several.

I truly love my boyfriend to death and couldn't see myself with another person. He feels the same way as me, he says.

It's driving me crazy. I think about "trying" another man every day. These past days, we've talked about sex, and I told him that I would be ok with the fact that he would have sex with another girl. It made him very happy, I think but also took him by surprise.

Am I poly?
What can I do before I go nuts?

Do any of you have some tips how to bring up the subject? Thank you so much!!
 
In my opinion, it is not a polyamorous relationship either of you should consider, since you have made it a point to emphasize that the issue is solely sexual, and you are not interested in other men relationship-wise. It seems that you two need to consider either an open, committed relationship, a committed relationship with extended boundaries, or swinging.

Sex is a part of a polyamorous relationship, but it doesn't have to be. It is not the main part of a polyamorous relationship. I think you should pursue avenues that are solely about sex.
 
Thank you so much for the reply. I might be dumb, but what exactly is the difference between an "open relationship" and polyamory? Thanx. :)
 
In my experience, an open relationship is where you have established a serious, emotionally-connected relationship with someone, but other romantic/sexual relationships are allowed that usually involve the partners individually. A polyamorous relationship involves multiple serious, emotionally-connected relationships that involve honesty and clear communication, involve complete disclosure, and may involve one or both partners.
 
All right. That makes sense. So at this point I can tell that I'm not polyamorous.

I'm just scared that my fantasy will scare my boyfriend away. He's from a traditional family and I'm not sure if he's open to the idea. Do you, by any chance, know a good way to introduce this kind of lifestyle to a partner?

I'm so new to all of this, but at age 32, it's about time I have the guts to live out some of my dreams. :p
 
The best way to introduce anything into a relationship is to bring it up (best to show that you have done some research and can verbalize the possible pros and cons from your viewpoint), give your partner time to absorb it and reflect on it, then discuss again in-depth (and again and again and again possibly) and go from there.
 
I very much appreciate your response. Thank you for that!

I have a sister who is lesbian and, to me, it seems as if that is more acceptable than being in an open/polyamorous relationship. I guess, deep inside, we are scared of losing the ones we love. But as I see it, if it would benefit my boyfriend, and make him happy by being with another woman (just sex), it would also make me very happy, as long as I know that at the end of the day, he wants to spend his life with me, and vice versa.

Am I weird? :confused:
 
livsen said:
What exactly is the difference between an "open relationship" and polyamory?
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Everyone seems to have said it all. I agree that you seem to be seeking an open relationship, although I would warn you that emotions and depth develop for some people, and it might be wise to check in with yourself and your boyfriend where you are at with that sort of thing. Some people can do sport sex and come away having felt like they'd gone for a jog. Others feel like they reached the depths for someone's soul. Still others feel like they have been used, because sex for them is about connecting very deeply. Along with your opening up the idea of others, make sure that getting emotionally invested is a part of the conversation, and plan what you will do if you or he find that you are falling in love.
 
Livsen, maybe you could read some books about it and suggest them to your bf? Opening Up and The Ethical Slut are mentioned often. They deal with various types of non-monogamy. They could help you figure out which would be the most appropriate for you specifically.
 
You guys seem so compassionate and thoughtful. That´s so great. :) I appreciate your advice so much. I'm trying to do this in a very thoughtful and loving way, so that I won't hurt my boyfriend's feelings. Do you find it worth it, though-- jeopardising a relationship in order to follow your own needs? That´s probably the moral question for me. :confused:
 
livsen said:
Do you find it worth it, though-- a relationship in order to follow your own needs? That´s probably the moral question for me.
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Interesting way to phrase it. I think you will find some of us never thought we were jeopardizing anything to go down this path. It was a lot of work, but we do tend to try and have a really strong foundation before doing this.

Ideally, as selfish as this may appear, it can work out being better for everyone involved. But you need to have an end goal that works, and a progression that suits both of you. Jumping into this without concern for your partner(s) is when it becomes exceptionally difficult and painful.
 
We have spent all day talking about it. My bf was so understanding. He wants to pursue this path with me. It´s very surreal. I`m so thankful and happy. We have a very strong relationship, to begin with, and this just cements it that much more. We have set up some rules that we both can agree on and then, welll... we are in an open relationship!

I love this man to death. We are both certain that we´ll end up in a nursing home together someday when we are tired and old (but happy).

I want to thank all of you for your support in this. I wish you all the best with your future lives. May they be filled with love and gratitude. :)
 
I`m looking so much forward to this new life. I`m sure it´ll be tough at times, and new emotions will appear, but coming clean to my boyfriend has been such a relief, and right now we can´t keep our hands off of each other.

Do you by any chance know if there´s a network for people in open relationships like this forum? I can´t seem to find one anywhere.
 
livsen said:
I`m looking so much forward to this new life. I`m sure it´ll be tough at times and new emotions will appear, but coming clean to my boyfriend has been such a relief. Right now we can´t keep our hands off of each other.
Do you by any chance know if there´s a network for people in open relationships like this forum? I can´t seem to find one anywhere.
Click to expand...

I don't know of any forums for open relationships. Maybe on dating sites like on Plenty of Fish or OKCupid or adultfriendfinder? Dunno, really. you could try, I guess.
 
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