Recovering from Broken Agreements (ADHD in polyamory)

[dingedheart]

Sorry, I’ve been consumed with other matters in life.

When ADHD mixes with New Relationship Energy, everything tends to feel turned up a few notches. The chemical surge that comes with NRE is already powerful, but for someone whose brain naturally runs on low dopamine, that hit can feel like rocket fuel. What other people experience as excitement might register as complete emotional immersion. It’s not uncommon for the ADHD partner to find themselves thinking about the new person constantly, replaying conversations, and feeling pulled toward them as if gravity itself had shifted. It’s easy for this to look like neglect of existing partners, but it’s really a neurochemical flood rather than a deliberate choice. The goal isn’t to shame the feeling—it’s to build enough structure around it so that life and other relationships don’t get swept away in the current.

When would you advise building such structure, before or during a new NRE situation? How would or should a spouse differentiate between something looking like neglect and actually being neglected, or the family being neglected?

Impulsivity plays a part, too. ADHD can make emotional or physical connection feel urgent, leading to rapid attachment or over-promising. In the middle of that dopamine rush, the brain says “yes” before the schedule or emotional bandwidth are checked. This doesn’t excuse boundary slips, but it helps to understand the mechanism: impulse first, reflection later. Using external supports—shared calendars, planned check-ins, or simply giving oneself a day before acting on a new idea—can keep enthusiasm from turning into chaos.

This might be a good advice for anyone experiencing NRE, not just those with ADHD.

Emotionally, the highs and lows are sharper. ADHD brings difficulty with regulation, so the joy of a new bond can swing quickly into guilt or anxiety when balance feels off. Partners can help by keeping communication open and predictable; grounding rituals or agreed-upon check-ins give the relationship a stable rhythm while the feelings find equilibrium.

Again, solid advice for any longtime existing couple making the transition to poly. The only thing I might argue is whose responsibility it is to set up that sub-structure, if you’ve been poly-bombed and work load.

Distraction and forgetfulness are also real risks. An ADHD brain that’s busy chasing novelty will often misplace dates, tasks, or messages. Responsibility still lies with the person who forgot; love doesn’t override accountability. What helps is designing systems—reminders, visual cues, or partner-shared notes—so that memory isn’t left to willpower alone.

Can you give an example of a partner shared note? I’m not sure I understand how that would actually work.

Hyperfocus adds another layer. It feels intentional, because attention is locked so tightly, yet it isn’t a conscious decision to exclude others; it’s more like being pulled into a tunnel. The remedy isn’t punishment, but planned re-entry points: alarms, scheduled family time, or gentle nudges from a partner that bring awareness back to the wider world.

What would be considered “punishment“ for an ADHD partner some of the common NRE slip-ups? Is voicing your displeasure, hurt, frustration, disappointment considered punishment? Would a sternly-worded email be considered punishment? Would sleeping in a guest room or couch be considered punishment? If neglect is the issue, how would withdrawing from the neglectful spouse be seen as any kind of real punishment? I’m just trying to think of the various responses to NRE-drunk spouse.

The other side of that question might be would they notice or even care if they were off being hyper-focused elsewhere? Right ?

Consequences need special care. Harsh punishment or cold withdrawal can hit an ADHD partner with disproportionate intensity, triggering shame or defensiveness that makes repair harder. Firm but calm boundaries work far better—explaining the impact, agreeing on concrete steps to rebuild trust, and following through consistently. Predictability helps the neurodivergent brain feel safe enough to cooperate instead of rebel.

MAGS, this is where I got the idea that tiptoeing might be needed: “Consequences need special care.“

For the record, imo, when dealing relationship stuff, there’s always a degree of defensiveness.

Can you give an example of the difference of a harsh consequence vs a firm boundary?

And I always thought consequences were for the transgression of a rule or boundary. It seems like you’re using “firm boundaries“ as a collective of words as an impact statement. Is that how you see firm boundaries?

None of this means that ADHD and polyamory are incompatible.

No, not incompatible, just loads more work for a couple transitioning an established marriage that has children in the mix.

It does mean that the usual poly challenges—time, attention, balance—require more intentional structure. When everyone understands how neurodivergence shapes the emotional landscape, the situation stops feeling like “poly hell” and becomes a shared problem to solve.

I think it might be very individual and subjective on how a long-term spouse feels of being demoted or displaced and how much intrusion they have to endure because their poly spouse is hyper-focused elsewhere. As Mopoly said, it’s not a free pass, and so, just because some of the behavior isn’t intentional or deliberate, it doesn’t mean their spouse isn’t going to feel poly hell.

A shared problem to be solved: right, but who should be responsible for the lion's share of solving that problem?

The number of people that have come here seeking advice or for assistance with an issue, when asked how much education they did prior to opening, they either say little or none. I'd say 80-90% of people get the idea and just wing it. And in the case of a married couple in which one spouse elects to remain mono (like the OP here), the transition starts to feel like taking on a night school MBA degree. While their spouse is obsessing over what to wear on a date, or what not to wear, is underwear necessary, etc., no reading up on NRE, or being a good hinge or poly hell. No, we’ll cross those bridges if and when necessary.

With communication, patience, and clear systems, that amplified energy can be channeled into connection rather than chaos.

Let’s hope that’s the case with the OP here.

 

[dingedheart]

Saying I've said nothing of substance...

I’m very confused on how you came to that conclusion. I think you contributed a great deal of substance.

while you yourself ask questions of no substance, is antithetical.

What the hell does this mean? My questions “of no substance“ are antithetical to WHAT?

It has intensely proven that you haven't actually taken in what I've said, selecting parts and trying to pick fault.

Sorry you feel that way. I was merely trying to understand. Someone’s got a hair trigger. What about learning and accepting where other people are coming from?

To someone who thinks differently. This says to me just one thing. But I will be more careful with my wording.

I don’t recall you identifying yourself as ADHD or neurodivergent. For all I knew, you were partnered with someone with those challenges, or you were or are a professional associated with the therapist community. So in short, your assumption is wrong.

I think you gave some good advice for people with ADHD who are looking to open their relationships/marriages. I also think you’ve given poly-bombed spouses a good heads-up on what to expect.

I also think you inadvertently gave people an idea of how fragile, sensitive, triggered ADHD people can be. That said, I wish you luck in all your relationships.

 

[FeralGeek]

Mr. Vox has excellent self esteem.

 

[dingedheart]

Yes, I’m sure. I don’t think that was ever in question. And with these kind of endeavors, it will serve him well.

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

When ADHD mixes with New Relationship Energy, everything tends to feel turned up a few notches. The chemical surge that comes with NRE is already powerful, but for someone whose brain naturally runs on low dopamine, that hit can feel like rocket fuel. What other people experience as excitement might register as complete emotional immersion. It’s not uncommon for the ADHD partner to find themselves thinking about the new person constantly, replaying conversations, and feeling pulled toward them as if gravity itself had shifted. It’s easy for this to look like neglect of existing partners, but it’s really a neurochemical flood rather than a deliberate choice. The goal isn’t to shame the feeling—it’s to build enough structure around it so that life and other relationships don’t get swept away in the current.

Impulsivity plays a part too. ADHD can make emotional or physical connection feel urgent, leading to rapid attachment or over-promising. In the middle of that dopamine rush, the brain says “yes” before the schedule or emotional bandwidth are checked. This doesn’t excuse boundary slips, but it helps to understand the mechanism: impulse first, reflection later. Using external supports—shared calendars, planned check-ins, or simply giving oneself a day before acting on a new idea—can keep enthusiasm from turning into chaos.

Emotionally, the highs and lows are sharper. ADHD brings difficulty with regulation, so the joy of a new bond can swing quickly into guilt or anxiety when balance feels off. Partners can help by keeping communication open and predictable; grounding rituals or agreed-upon check-ins give the relationship a stable rhythm while the feelings find equilibrium.

Distraction and forgetfulness are also real risks. An ADHD brain that’s busy chasing novelty will often misplace dates, tasks, or messages. Responsibility still lies with the person who forgot; love doesn’t override accountability. What helps is designing systems—reminders, visual cues, or partner-shared notes—so that memory isn’t left to willpower alone.

Hyperfocus adds another layer. It feels intentional because attention is locked so tightly, yet it isn’t a conscious decision to exclude others; it’s more like being pulled into a tunnel. The remedy isn’t punishment but planned re-entry points: alarms, scheduled family time, or gentle nudges from a partner that bring awareness back to the wider world.

Consequences need special care. Harsh punishment or cold withdrawal can hit an ADHD partner with disproportionate intensity, triggering shame or defensiveness that makes repair harder. Firm but calm boundaries work far better—explaining the impact, agreeing on concrete steps to rebuild trust, and following through consistently. Predictability helps the neurodivergent brain feel safe enough to cooperate instead of rebel.

None of this means that ADHD and polyamory are incompatible. It does mean that the usual poly challenges—time, attention, balance—require more intentional structure. When everyone understands how neurodivergence shapes the emotional landscape, the situation stops feeling like “poly hell” and becomes a shared problem to solve. With communication, patience, and clear systems, that amplified energy can be channeled into connection rather than chaos.

I wonder if it'd be useful to also acknowledge some strengths about having a partner with ADHD in a poly relationship. You've done a great job acknowledging the common costs, but only talking about overcoming burdens might lead the average person to think that having a partner with ADHD is a chore.

I will acknowledge that I am not a psychologist, and this is largely based off my own experience with ADHD and my understanding of it based off of a few books I've read and quite a few online articles.

Some ones I can think of:

- Adaptability: I've found that with the fact that my brain is often shifting between tasks, it's led me to developing a noticeably open mind about the order in which tasks need to be done. I've found this to be pretty helpful in group dynamics when we need to figure out how to get everyone's needs met.

- Irreverence: Not sure if this is the right word, but I've read (and experienced) that people with ADHD tend to not stick as hard to societal rules. Regarding polyamory, this can be especially helpful with the transition and can lead to finding relationship solutions that better fit the individual's needs.

- Addressing other's mistakes: With unmanaged/untreated ADHD, it's very common to have a long history of unintended mistakes. I've found that this has made it easier to respond to other's mistakes with more patience and compassion. Especially in polyamory where early mistakes are very, very common.

- Empathy: Emotional regulation struggles are intense. It's personally led me to taking other's emotions seriously, and I think that's an important component to empathy.

Additionally, not every person with ADHD will have the same strengths and struggles. Your wife actions at the fair seemed very disrespectful. Not just to you, but also to her mother and daughter. I'd be very confused as a kid if my mom just suddenly ditched me without a word and then I saw her with a stranger 10 minutes later. I think some of the issues goes beyond ADHD, even if it might be intensified by it.

@Tenebris I loved your list! It's organized well and has some clear, actionable options for resolving some of the problems.

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

I’m very confused on how you came to that conclusion. I think you contributed a great deal of substance.

What the hell does this mean? My questions “of no substance“ are antithetical to WHAT?


Sorry you feel that way. I was merely trying to understand. Someone’s got a hair trigger. What about learning and accepting where other people are coming from?



I don’t recall you identifying yourself as ADHD or neurodivergent. For all I knew, you were partnered with someone with those challenges, or you were or are a professional associated with the therapist community. So in short, your assumption is wrong.

I think you gave some good advice for people with ADHD who are looking to open their relationships/marriages. I also think you’ve given poly-bombed spouses a good heads-up on what to expect.

I also think you inadvertently gave people an idea of how fragile, sensitive, triggered ADHD people can be. That said, I wish you luck in all your relationships.

Yeah, you never said that they "didn't contribute anything of substance." What you did do was systematically shoot down every single point of theirs with dismissals and questioning besides a single part of it. I'm not surprised they came to that conclusion.

Last part of this post is certainly a passive-aggressive dig if I've ever seen one. It is true that people with ADHD tend to be more sensitive, but that is far from a moral failing. Having high sensitivity does not make someone fragile, it just means that more things tend to pop out. It can be a very useful thing to have once you've learned how to address the things you notice respectfully with people you care about.

I've seen a lot more relationships fall apart because of a person being insensitive about their partner's emotional states. I wish you luck in all your relationships.

 

[dingedheart]

Yeah, you never said that they "didn't contribute anything of substance."

Id invite you to reread post #13

What you did do was systematically shoot down every single point of theirs with dismissals and questioning besides a single part of it. I'm not surprised they came to that conclusion.

Do you or does anyone know the stat on the failure rate of poly bombed marriages of over 10-12 yrs ?? Why is this relevant? .. because if memory serves thats what the OP was dealing with…..ON TOP of his wife having ADHD. TYPICALLY what we see in these poly bombed situations is the bombed spouse ( as a means of survival) has to do an enormous amount of emotional work/ reading / education ….a masters classing in conversion and coping. Where as the poly spouse seems to float in and out of life/ marriage picture in a glow of ignorant bliss many times not knowing the damage or hurt they’re causing. Of course this is grossly simplified and or exaggerated but if you read here you’ll see the general pattern. IMO there’s a huge educational and work load inequity. And this is without any ADHD or any other executive function issues. OK so what’s FAIR ??? So who should do the lions share of the work ??? You wrote a thread poly under duress should spouse under duress have to do or carry 75-80% of the work load ?

Also I don’t understand what you mean by questioning besides a single part of it ? I did ask a lot of specific questions I don’t remember getting any specific answers other than restating his base concepts.

Last part of this post is certainly a passive-aggressive dig if I've ever seen one.

I’m sure that’s true …I’ll refer you back to post #13

It is true that people with ADHD tend to be more sensitive, but that is far from a moral failing. Having high sensitivity does not make someone fragile, it just means that more things tend to pop out.

I don’t think I ever said or implied ADHD was a moral failing. What seems clear if you his bullet points on behaviors and how to moderate AND that harsh words or consequences and or “ punishments” (his word ) tend to make situations dramatic worse. ..ie rebellious behavior could happen. Here again in my head the poly bombed spouse should the given a bit of grace being the fragile one….they might be a bit snappy or withdrawn/ whatever. Sure some grace is given for a short time and then it’s buck up motherfucker I’m not making you feel anything your emotional response is yours to deal with and that’s fine if that’s the standard. So why can’t that be applied back regardless if theirs an AdHd diagnosis involved?

It can be a very useful thing to have once you've learned how to address the things you notice respectfully with people you care about.

Such as ?? Can you give an example in the context of a 12 yr marriage transitioning ?

I've seen a lot more relationships fall apart because of a person being insensitive about their partner's emotional states.

I think we’re talking about the same thing from different sides of the table. You know what the advice here was back when I joined if a poly bombed mono was struggling with a spouses NRE ( and I was the poly bombed mono ) get a hobby, go volunteer at an animal shelter, take a class try to “ improve “ yourself and just ride it out it won’t last for ever.

I wish you luck in all your relationships.

And you as well

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

Id invite you to reread post #13


Do you or does anyone know the stat on the failure rate of poly bombed marriages of over 10-12 yrs ?? Why is this relevant? .. because if memory serves thats what the OP was dealing with…..ON TOP of his wife having ADHD. TYPICALLY what we see in these poly bombed situations is the bombed spouse ( as a means of survival) has to do an enormous amount of emotional work/ reading / education ….a masters classing in conversion and coping. Where as the poly spouse seems to float in and out of life/ marriage picture in a glow of ignorant bliss many times not knowing the damage or hurt they’re causing. Of course this is grossly simplified and or exaggerated but if you read here you’ll see the general pattern. IMO there’s a huge educational and work load inequity. And this is without any ADHD or any other executive function issues. OK so what’s FAIR ??? So who should do the lions share of the work ??? You wrote a thread poly under duress should spouse under duress have to do or carry 75-80% of the work load ?

Also I don’t understand what you mean by questioning besides a single part of it ? I did ask a lot of specific questions I don’t remember getting any specific answers other than restating his base concepts.



I’m sure that’s true …I’ll refer you back to post #13


I don’t think I ever said or implied ADHD was a moral failing. What seems clear if you his bullet points on behaviors and how to moderate AND that harsh words or consequences and or “ punishments” (his word ) tend to make situations dramatic worse. ..ie rebellious behavior could happen. Here again in my head the poly bombed spouse should the given a bit of grace being the fragile one….they might be a bit snappy or withdrawn/ whatever. Sure some grace is given for a short time and then it’s buck up motherfucker I’m not making you feel anything your emotional response is yours to deal with and that’s fine if that’s the standard. So why can’t that be applied back regardless if theirs an AdHd diagnosis involved?



Such as ?? Can you give an example in the context of a 12 yr marriage transitioning ?


I think we’re talking about the same thing from different sides of the table. You know what the advice here was back when I joined if a poly bombed mono was struggling with a spouses NRE ( and I was the poly bombed mono ) get a hobby, go volunteer at an animal shelter, take a class try to “ improve “ yourself and just ride it out it won’t last for ever.


And you as well

Funnily enough, I agree that we're likely very much on the similar pages regarding poly-bombing. I think it's shitty to not hold partner's accountable for managing their NRE. It's not just polyamorous people who neglect other relationships for the sake of a shiny new romantic relationship, and I've seen loads of times where friends and family are in grief because their loved one disappears for years at a time to focus solely on a new relationship. It does seem like some people approach passionate love with "Well, what are you gonna do? The heart wants what it wants!", as if managing emotions is not a necessary adult skill to have. I'm not sure why love gets a pass so often when mistreatment is being discussed.

I think people tend to focus on what the person asking for feedback can do, which is why mono peeps who are struggling are given advice to work on things such as hobbies to help not dwell on being away from their partner. To give it credit, it can be a very important thing to do even when you're not being poly-bombed. Being around our partners 24/7 is a pretty socially acceptable thing to do, and it takes time to disentangle.

For an example relating to sensitivities' helpfulness:

Say your partner says they're fine with you going out with another partner of yours, but they seem more apprehensive than usual. You check in on them on how they're feeling and point out what you notice about their behavior. This could lead to a conversation where they can voice feelings that they would've otherwise continued to hide. A less sensitive partner might just take their "it's fine" as a blessing and go on the date as unsaid feelings continue to fester. You could say it's on the other partner to voice their feelings openly, but that can be hard as hell sometimes. It can be helpful to have a partner that notices your emotional state at times where you're not acknowledging it yourself.

For another more unrelated example in how sensitivity can be helpful for the sensitive person's personal gain: teasing. Saying that you don't like being teased is often met with being called "overly sensitive". However, there has been recent discussion pointing to the fact that teasing can lead to bullying very easily, and it can have noticeably disastrous consequences on one's self-esteem and emotional connection with the teaser. Being sensitive can lead you to addressing problems when they're smaller, BEFORE they grow into something you can no longer ignore. An ounce of prevention is stronger than a pound of cure. https://www.danradmacher.com/2017/08/the-truth-behind-teasing/

I don't think that a poly-bombed spouse should have to carry 75-80% of the emotional load. It's important for partners to feel mutual, respectful support is involved in their relationships. I also don't agree that people with ADHD are always the ones who have to be emotionally carried. I have ADHD, and I tend to be the one in relationships who is more comfortable proactively tackling and addressing emotional concerns. Infantilization of people with ADHD is a common issue. However, treating your partner's issues with compassion and empathy is often touted as the best way to keep it functioning and healthy. I don't agree with you that how "the real world" treats people justifies how they're treated in close, personal relationships. You shouldn't be treating your partner's issues the same way that their apathetic boss might treat them. Hell, I've seen some movements push for workplaces to treat their employee's mental health issues with more kindness if they want to have a more sustainable culture. Susan Cain and Brene Brown are good examples for that.

I think the intent of Tenebris' post was to acknowledge common issues that can come up in relationships when you have ADHD. I don't think they meant to insinuate that the solutions they offered had to be only done by the partner without ADHD. Their stance seemed to be "These things happen, and they suck. It can be easy to want to yell, punish, or "lay down the law" with your partner, but these things don't actually do that much to help the situation. Here are some things you can implement that have a higher likelihood of working sustainably in managing these issues."

I think that OP's problem goes beyond ADHD. (re-read #25 ) Their partner isn't holding herself accountable, and she doesn't seem to be taking the impacts of her actions seriously. That's a recipe for disaster no matter what your brain framework is. Ironically, I do believe that OP's case does require some "laying down the law" as their wife seems to be not taking the conversations they have to heart. I would argue that "laying down the law" is a very rare thing that needs to happen in a healthy, functioning relationship. It really only exists as a helpful strategy when it hits a breaking point. Tenebris's solutions are more for the other 95% of the relationship where you're not at that point.

 

[dingedheart]

Funnily enough, I agree that we're likely very much on the similar pages regarding poly-bombing. I think it's shitty to not hold partner's accountable for managing their NRE. It's not just polyamorous people who neglect other relationships for the sake of a shiny new romantic relationship, and I've seen loads of times where friends and family are in grief because their loved one disappears for years at a time to focus solely on a new relationship.

Yes and that cost, or costs (mainly time, energy and attention) are spread across every relationship someone has, even pets, or maybe more so pets where others can pick up the slack. Everything gets recalibrated, whether consciously or subconsciously.

It does seem like some people approach passionate love with "Well, what are you gonna do? The heart wants what it wants!" as if managing emotions is not a necessary adult skill to have. I'm not sure why love gets a pass so often when mistreatment is being discussed.

I'd argue it’s part emotional management skill, but mainly managing their behavior while under the influence, and it comes down to choices and decisions made.

I think people tend to focus on what the person asking for feedback can do, which is why mono peeps who are struggling are given advice to work on things such as hobbies to help not dwell on being away from their partner. To give it credit, it can be a very important thing to do even when you're not being poly-bombed. Being around our partners 24/7 is a pretty socially acceptable thing to do, and it takes time to disentangle.

Behavior-mod techniques, rationalization, distraction as a coping strategy for neglect or loss of energy and attention when in the same room or house, or when it’s “technically YOUR TIME,“ that’s typically when the cuts run a little deeper.

And with my time and schedule at the time (owning a small business, coaching my kids' sports, and my hobbies of sailboat racing and car racing, being around each other 24/7 wasn’t the issue. One could argue the opposite. AND YET, the prescribed date night felt less than authentic/distracted/unenthusiastic. I have to say on the first couple/three such “date nights," my mood and participation was upbeat and positive, maybe even a bit nervous and apprehensive. HOWEVER, I don’t think I fully understood how dramatically the dynamic had changed. I was starting over. It quickly became mood or tone-matching, and to be honest less, less fun. I know I had things come up in which I needed to cancel or reschedule a date night or two, and she didn’t seem to care, so I decided why should I care or notice? Why push it?

For an example relating to sensitivities' helpfulness:

Say your partner says they're fine with you going out with another partner of yours, but they seem more apprehensive than usual. You check in on them on how they're feeling and point out what you notice about their behavior. This could lead to a conversation where they can voice feelings that they would've otherwise continued to hide. A less sensitive partner might just take their "it's fine" as a blessing and go on the date as unsaid feelings continue to fester. You could say it's on the other partner to voice their feelings openly, but that can be hard as hell sometimes. It can be helpful to have a partner that notices your emotional state at times where you're not acknowledging it yourself.

Getting back to load share-- IMO, it shouldn’t be a mutual investment, or mutual 50/50 load share. If you’re the poly bomber in a long established mono marriage, the bomber should be doing 75-80% of the establishing work. They should read the poly operating manual (if one existed) forwards and backward. They should have more than familiarized themselves with the elements that make up poly hell, and formulated personal strategies to mitigate their spouse falling into that. Again, IMO, they should bring as much support, knowledge/education as possible after tearing apart the foundation or structure of the of the once mono relationship.

If they make an agreement, commitment or promise, not only should they hold themselves to the highest standard, but also to the intention of the agreement or commitment, i.e., them scheduling a date night or sex romp and to then only to go through the motions to check the maintenance box.

Sadly, this rarely happens. If it does, it never ends up here, because things are running too smoothly.

For another more unrelated example in how sensitivity can be helpful for the sensitive person's personal gain: teasing. Saying that you don't like being teased is often met with being called "overly sensitive". However, there has been recent discussion pointing to the fact that teasing can lead to bullying very easily, and it can have noticeably disastrous consequences on one's self-esteem and emotional connection with the teaser. Being sensitive can lead you to addressing problems when they're smaller, BEFORE they grow into something you can no longer ignore. An ounce of prevention is stronger than a pound of cure. https://www.danradmacher.com/2017/08/the-truth-behind-teasing/

I’m not sure if this is directly relevant to the point you’re making, but many struggling monos in the aforementioned situation have been gaslit/accused of being overly sensitive, and that the neglect or pain/paper cuts they’re feeling in the NRE phase are just their "jealousy" or “insecurity" talking, i.e., it’s not real. "It’s in your head. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” What’s being taught there?
https://www.danradmacher.com/2017/08/the-truth-behind-teasing/

I don't think that a poly-bombed spouse should have to carry 75-80% of the emotional load.

In the case of a mono spouse, it’s not just the emotional load of being downgraded, but there’s a practical and logistical in the trench everyday load, as well. It’s funny how the operations dept. is the last to get the memo on completely changing the dynamic and routines.

It's important for partners to feel mutual, respectful support is involved in their relationships.

Ideally, that would be great. I’m sure it’s easier to achieve or accomplish if you’re setting a poly partnership from day one. I’d leave marriage and children the hell out of that arrangement. But how does that work with poly under duress?

I also don't agree that people with ADHD are always the ones who have to be emotionally carried. I have ADHD, and I tend to be the one in relationships who is more comfortable proactively tackling and addressing emotional concerns. Infantilization of people with ADHD is a common issue. However, treating your partner's issues with compassion and empathy is often touted as the best way to keep it functioning and healthy.

I guess my major or simplest point is if you’ve been poly bombed and experiencing ill effects of NRE from your long-time spouse, should it matter much that they have AHHD? But that’s your thing to deal with, and you should have factored that into your decision to push to change the entire structure of your relationship, right?

I don't agree with you that how "the real world" treats people justifies how they're treated in close, personal relationships.

That wasn’t exactly the point I was trying to make. Most people (I’m assuming this generally applies to those with ADHD) know what lines they can cross and jump back over, and what lines would be too big a deal to cross. Blowing off work to spend the rest of the day in bed fucking a lover might be such a scenario. However, having a Friday night sleepover, and being expected home at 7-8 am, and then floating home at 1:45 pm is not that big a deal because of what typically happens on Saturday mornings, and spouse can spend time with kids. It gets mentally weighed in the decision matrix.

You shouldn't be treating your partner's issues the same way that their apathetic boss might treat them.

I wasn’t suggesting treating the issue as much as suggesting holding people accountable for their participation or their decisions. And as a boss, my primary interest is the one I’m paying for, work, product, or value to the company. I wish I could afford to be apathetic.

 

[dingedheart]

Hell, I've seen some movements push for workplaces to treat their employee's mental health issues with more kindness if they want to have a more sustainable culture. Susan Cain and Brene Brown are good examples for that.

Sure, whatever will drive productivity and reduce conflict. In fact, I’m sure there are lots of applications where you’d want someone with ADHD to be hyper-focused and engaged.

I think the intent of Tenebris's post was to acknowledge common issues that can come up in relationships when you have ADHD.

Yes, think he did an amazing job outlining all that. I seriously think it should be added as a resource for those investigating how ADHD and poly mix.

I don't think they meant to insinuate that the solutions they offered had to be only done by the partner without ADHD. Their stance seemed to be "These things happen, and they suck." It can be easy to want to yell, punish, or "lay down the law" with your partner, but these things don't actually do that much to help the situation.

Yes, I do think that is or was his general stance.

It seems counterintuitive. On one hand, with greater sensitivity comes greater compassion and empathy, but when I/we run foul of the lines and our spouse is extremely disappointed, hurt, and possibly angry because of some NRE repeated lapse, empathy and compassion disappear for the victim. I guess then we need to discuss how much value does ADHD spouse actually have for the relationship? What is the basis for coupling? Could there be very disparate motives or drives at play, which then come bubbling to the surface 10 yrs down the road?

But really, isn’t it simple math at that point? Here’s what I’m doing, and it’s upsetting, and causing serious friction in my marriage and relationship with heated discussions. Laying down the law, lots of relationship grief, and because you’re supposed to accept me for my faults, I’m going to keep doing what I want, because that’s who I am and how I’m wired and also I’m offended you don’t get that. And you're not the boss of me. Nice little cherry on top. I get this is going to way more complex, and we’re painting with a wide brush, if not a broom, but wouldn’t this at some point come down to relationship valve?

Here are some things you can implement that have a higher likelihood of working sustainably in managing these issues.

Yes, I get it. But as a mono struggling with your inconsiderate NRE behavior, why should I keep investing to get less? In practical terms, regardless of ADHD or not, it’s the idea that you’re fighting to stop more erosion of infinite resources or to keep what’s left. And, as we know, during the early days, the goalpost moves in feet and yards. What was an agreed-upon once-every-other-week date or encounter gets pushed to once a week with an alternating sleepover on the weekends. And so the first yr plus is coming to terms with systematic loss.

Why should I want add that as part of my work load? To get what? A more peaceful shrinking relationship? I mean sure, great, lots of people do that. However, there’s also the practical side.

Here’s a hard fact that most people can’t see until it’s too late. Poly hell makes people not care, teaches people to invest less because they’re getting back some eroding fraction.

I think that OP's problem goes beyond ADHD (reread #25). Their partner isn't holding herself accountable, and she doesn't seem to be taking the impacts of her actions seriously.

Yes, 100%.

That's a recipe for disaster, no matter what your brain framework is.

Yes, generally so.

Ironically, I do believe that OP's case does require some "laying down the law," as their wife seems to be not taking the conversations they have to heart.

That is ironic because we’re all in agreement that doesn’t work. I of course is the only one that doesn’t really care if it works perfect or not but the greater message of consequence is sent.

I would argue that "laying down the law" is a very rare thing that needs to happen in a healthy, functioning relationship

I think without concrete examples of what “the law“ means, it’s all very subjective and rhetoric. However, at the same time, I think people should know or establish red lines. And in this conversion phase, when everything is up in the air, knowing you’re approaching the red line is healthy communication.

Tenebris's solutions are more for the other 95% of the relationship where you're not at that point.

We didn’t get into it, but it is or was impossible to know if Tenebris was speaking from a general mono relationship model, or he had experience as one of the other legs in some poly configuration. I think it greatly matters what end of this you’ve been on, and for how long.

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

Sure, whatever will drive productivity and reduce conflict. In fact, I’m sure there’s lots of applications where you’d want someone with ADHD to be hyper-focused and engaged.

Yes. I think he did an amazing job of outlining all that. I seriously think it should be added as a resource for those investigating how ADHD AND poly mix.

Yes, I do think that is or was his general stance.

It seems counterintuitive to, on one hand, with greater sensitivity comes greater compassion and empathy. But when I/we run foul of the lines and our spouse is extremely disappointed, hurt, and possibly angry because of some NRE-repeated lapse, empathy and compassion disappear for the victim. I guess then we need to discuss how much value does the ADHD spouse actually have for the relationship? Was is the basis for coupling? Could there be very disparate motives or drives at play, which then come bubbling to the surface 10 yrs down the road?

But really, isn’t it simple math at that point? Here’s what I’m doing, and it’s upsetting and causing serious friction in my marriage and relationship with heated discussions. Laying down the law, lots of relationship grief, and because you’re suppose accept me for my faults, I’m going to keep doing what I want, because that’s who I am and how I’ve wired. And also, I’m offended you don’t get that. And you're not the boss of me…. nice little cherry on top. I get this is going to way more complex, and we’re painting with a wide brush, if not a broom, but wouldn’t this at some point come down to relationship valve?

Yes I get it. But as a mono struggling with your inconsiderate NRE behavior, why keep investing to get less? In practical terms, regardless of ADHD or not. it’s the idea that you’re fighting to stop more erosion of infinite resources, or to keep what’s left. And, as we know, during the early days, the goalpost moves in feet and yards. What was an agreed-upon once every other week date or encounter gets pushed to once a week, with an alternating sleepover on the weekends. And so the first yr plus is coming to terms with systematic loss.
Why should I want add that as part of my work load? To get what? A more peaceful shrinking relationship? I mean, sure, great, I'm sure lots of people do that. But there’s also the practical side.

Here’s a hard fact that most people can’t see until it’s too late. Poly hell makes people not care, teaches people to invest less because they’re getting back some eroding fraction.

That is ironic because we’re all in agreement that doesn’t work. I of course is the only one that doesn’t really care if it works perfect or not but the greater message of consequence is sent.

I think without concrete examples of what “the law“ means, it’s all very subjective and rhetorical. However, at the same time, I think people should know or establish red lines. And in this conversion phase, when everything is up in the air, knowing you’re approaching the red line is healthy communication.

We didn’t get into it, but it is or was impossible to know if Tenebris was speaking from a general mono relationship model, or he had experience as one of the other legs in some poly configuration. I think it greatly matters what end of this you’ve been on, and for how long.

Hmm, I see your points. It's kind of funny, the more I read what you write, the more I wonder where we actually clash, if anywhere, with the current topics being discussed. A part of my initial strong feelings of opposition were mainly from your statements saying "someone's got a hair trigger" and "fragile, sensitive, and triggered ADHD people can be". I still think those statements were pretty cruel, to clarify. I've heard similar comments throughout my life, and I've seen them often be used to shame a person from speaking up for themselves.

But regarding your stance, the only thing I think I have a different perspective on is the load-bearing element. On one hand, I relate to where you're coming from. Being poly-bombed fucking sucks if you are not immediately down for the deluge of information and un-learning that comes with it. I think partners who already have someone in mind when they bring up poly don't realize just how terrifying that is when many of us live in societies where "I want to date someone else" means "I want to leave you for them." Hell, that still is the case for certain poly situations, unfortunately.

I see it as each partner having roles they need to play - for themselves and for their relationship. So maybe the load-bearing concept isn't actually that helpful for my perspective. I think the person initially interested in poly needs to accept that if they both want to sustain a romantic relationship with their current partner and practice polyamory, they will need to strongly prioritize their partner's feelings of comfort and safety during the initial stages, before other people get romantically involved. General recommendations I've heard are from 6 months to 2 years, depending on how much time has been invested in thoughtfully shifting your relationship dynamic away from monogamy. I feel like this time is for many, many hypothetical conversations where you learn more about each person's beliefs, and learn more about polyamory, both individually and together.

To me, poly-bombing is a total lack of regard for this transition process. So, I guess to your question of how does this fit in to my beliefs of practicing healthy polyamory-- it doesn't. Usually the people have to backtrack, and then they also get the fun additional work of assessing the damage done to their relationship (and others) by one/both of the partners trying to skip it.

I think it's easy to come to the conclusion that the partner wanting polyamory should be the one doing most of the transitional work, but I don't think it actually works in practice. The partner being convinced does need to, at the end of the day, own their choice of staying under the condition of this now becoming a polyamorous relationship. And there's a lot of work that comes with that that, their partner can't do for them. If they don't see themselves actually being happy in that setup, I think it's better to leave. I want to acknowledge that this is when things like power dynamics and legal entanglements usually need to be taken heavily into account. But the end goal, if we're only talking about how to optimize the health of the two individuals who are discussing a relationship transition, should always be that both people are significantly contributing and consenting to future of the relationship, or lack of it.

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I've been stewing on what the "right" way is to tackle a relationship issue with a partner with ADHD, and I find myself often having conflicting beliefs and conclusions.

One element of Tenebris's post that felt wrong to me was some of the language used for discussing the impact vs. intent of a partner with ADHD's actions.

"It’s easy for this to look like neglect of existing partners, but it’s really a neurochemical flood rather than a deliberate choice."

I find myself strong disagreeing with the idea of this statement. All of us often hurt others without actually meaning to. They don't "look" like they're neglecting their partner. They are still neglecting their partner.

This part also doesn't sit well with me:

6. Difficulty Tempering NRE & “Unforeseen Consequences of Punishment”

Right — consequences feel amplified too.
If you respond to an ADHD partner’s slip with harshness or cold withdrawal, they may experience that as rejection times ten. It can trigger shame spirals or defensive rebellion (“Fine, I’ll just do what I want then”).

Better approach:

Replace “punishment” with clear, consistent boundaries.

Calmly outline impacts (“When you miss our date, I feel forgotten”) and expectations (“Let’s reschedule and set a reminder together”).

Follow through predictably, not punitively. ADHD thrives on consistency, not fear.

One of the most damaging things my ex did was try to not trigger my shame spirals. Early on in our relationship, I came to a realization that my shame spirals were not only harming me, but they also made it harder for people to hold me accountable.

I have done a lot of work on that, and tried to tell him repeatedly that he shouldn't be afraid to be (respectfully) direct with me about his feelings or concerns. However, he continued to try to avoid triggering them, much to the detriment of the honesty in our relationship. I don't expect my partners to be completely calm when discussing difficult topics. Emotional expression, when non-violent, can be very important in communication.

The "rejection times 10" seems dramatic to the point of being unhelpful. I think it alienates people with ADHD's experiences to the point of unrelatability by amplifying our experience THAT much. Maybe they have a neuroscience article that backs that, but from what I understand, that assumption is largely based on "rejection sensitivity dysphoria" which states that people with ADHD tend to feel an amplified sense of rejection. This has been true in my experience, and it can be intense. But I couldn't tell you how many "amplitudes more" I feel rejection compared to a neurotypical person, and it usually depends on the specific situation and my mood.

I think this concept doesn't really apply THAT differently based on your partner's neurology. Punishing partners isn't a thing you should be doing anyway.

 

[dingedheart]

Hmm, I see your points. It's kind of funny, the more I read what you write, the more I wonder where we actually clash, if anywhere, with the current topics being discussed. A part of my initial strong feelings of opposition were mainly from your statements saying "someone's got a hair trigger" and "fragile, sensitive, and triggered ADHD people can be". I still think those statements were pretty cruel, to clarify. I've heard similar comments throughout my life, and I've seen them often be used to shame a person from speaking up for themselves.

As mentioned prior my intention wasn’t to be cruel. snarky yes. But doesn’t the evolution of the thread / exchange sort of demonstrate the exact point that a fragility or hyper sensitivity exists ??

But regarding your stance, the only thing I think I have a different perspective on is the load-bearing element. On one hand, I relate to where you're coming from. Being poly-bombed fucking sucks if you are not immediately down for the deluge of information and un-learning that comes with it. I think partners who already have someone in mind when they bring up poly don't realize just how terrifying that is when many of us live in societies where "I want to date someone else" means "I want to leave you for them." Hell, that still is the case for certain poly situations, unfortunately.

Thank you yes. Now take that thought plus 10-12 yrs of investment or commitment to rowing in the correct direction and multiple it by a factor of what when blindsided with the need to change the dynamic. In the mix of emotions I’m not sure we’re terrified of being replaced actually rates.

I see it as each partner having roles they need to play - for themselves and for their relationship. So maybe the load-bearing concept isn't actually that helpful for my perspective. I think the person initially interested in poly needs to accept that if they both want to sustain a romantic relationship with their current partner and practice polyamory, they will need to strongly prioritize their partner's feelings of comfort and safety during the initial stages, before other people get romantically involved. General recommendations I've heard are from 6 months to 2 years,

Yes …right that’s the recommendation. Want to wager on how many actually do that. It could be more prevalent today but go back and read old threads for 5-10 yrs ago and see. It generally is birthed by a feeling that then translates to a need rather quickly which then jumps to a call for direct action. The jump part is the problem IMO.

depending on how much time has been invested in thoughtfully shifting your relationship dynamic away from monogamy

I think you’ll find there’s a great deal of seat of the pants flying.

. I feel like this time is for many, many hypothetical conversations where you learn more about each person's beliefs, and learn more about polyamory, both individually and together.

Yup …great on paper but I’m not convinced this step is carried out to its fullest out of fear of spooking the blast victim. It becomes a frog boil.

To me, poly-bombing is a total lack of regard for this transition process.

Unfortunately there isn’t a good or perfect way about telling you spouse or long term partner you want to change you relationship structure …and that you need or want other outside romantic partners ….it is what it is. I think it’s better to drop the bomb and be honest instead of “ suffering “ through which creates resentments and a slow painful relationship death.

So, I guess to your question of how does this fit in to my beliefs of practicing healthy polyamory-- it doesn't. Usually the people have to backtrack, and then they also get the fun additional work of assessing the damage done to their relationship (and others) by one/both of the partners trying to skip it.

You’re talking about the comment of “mutual respectful support “ when practicing poly under duress correct ?

I think it's easy to come to the conclusion that the partner wanting polyamory should be the one doing most of the transitional work, but I don't think it actually works in practice.

I agree a) because it never happens And b) it’s such an individual journey But beyond this I guess we could debate the most. Let’s be clear this is my heretic opinion ….i think the goal for poly bombers should be to pick up an additional 20-30% of the load of transition. And what that looks like or feels like I have no idea BUT I think people can get the idea. Strive to be a good spouse or partner NOT flick the old relationship on cruise control and hope for the best we have such a great or long history.

The partner being convinced does need to, at the end of the day, own their choice of staying under the condition of this now becoming a polyamorous relationship.

Yup …they have to own that choice and learn how to deal it not in question.

 

[dingedheart]

And there's a lot of work that comes with that that. Their partner can't do for them. If they don't see themselves actually being happy in that setup, I think it's better to leave. I want to acknowledge that this is when things like power dynamics and legal entanglements usually need to be taken heavily into account.

Those are taken into account the minute the bomb goes off, trust me. Generally children are the biggest factor. Second place is money and finances. This comes from poly-bombed guys I’ve personally talked with, not studied data.

But the end goal, if we're only talking about how to optimize the health of the two individuals who are discussing a relationship transition, should always be that both people are significantly contributing and consenting to future of the relationship, or lack of it.

Okay, great. But then there’s this ugly thing called the real world and the crazy how’s and why’s people pair bond.

I've been stewing on what the "right" way is to tackle a relationship issue with a partner with ADHD, and I find myself often having conflicting beliefs and conclusions.

Are you thinking about this in the broad general sense of a relationship issue, such as a typical mono relationship, or as it relates to poly relationships?

One element of Tenebris's post that felt wrong to me was some of the language used for discussing the impact vs. intent of a partner with ADHD's actions.

"It’s easy for this to look like neglect of existing partners, but it’s really a neurochemical flood rather than a deliberate choice."

I find myself strong disagreeing with the idea of this statement. All of us often hurt others without actually meaning to. They don't "look" like they're neglecting their partner. They are still neglecting their partner.

I read it as the ADHD person isn’t accountable for their actions due to neurochemical flood. "Oops, not my fauly. I get a pass because it wasn’t my intention."

This part also doesn't sit well with me:

"6. Difficulty Tempering NRE & “Unforeseen Consequences of Punishment”

Right — consequences feel amplified too.
If you respond to an ADHD partner’s slip with harshness or cold withdrawal, they may experience that as rejection times ten. It can trigger shame spirals or defensive rebellion (“Fine, I’ll just do what I want then”).

Better approach:

Replace “punishment” with clear, consistent boundaries.

Calmly outline impacts (“When you miss our date, I feel forgotten”) and expectations (“Let’s reschedule and set a reminder together”).

Follow through predictably, not punitively. ADHD thrives on consistency, not fear.

Before I address your comment, I’d like to make a brief comment on this. To me, this sounds or feels like someone putting together an intellectual exercise, do’s and don'ts, based on their own experience.

Hey, please give real world examples of what you mean by punishment.

Next part, I think he got confused on usage of rules and "boundaries," not equally punishment.

I'm not sure I get this …harsh words/punishment bad, but calmly sharing how horribly let down, disappointed, unloved, uncared for, uncared about is a better approach?

One of the most damaging things my ex did was try to not trigger my shame spirals. Early on in our relationship, I came to a realization that my shame spirals were not only harming me, but they also made it harder for people to hold me accountable.

I have done a lot of work on that, and tried to tell him repeatedly that he shouldn't be afraid to be (respectfully) direct with me about his feelings or concerns. However, he continued to try to avoid triggering them, much to the detriment of the honesty in our relationship. I don't expect my partners to be completely calm when discussing difficult topics. Emotional expression, when non-violent, can be very important in communication.

This is very insightful and probably useful those facing these challenges.

The "rejection times 10" seems dramatic to the point of being unhelpful. I think it alienates people with ADHD's experiences to the point of unrelatability by amplifying our experience THAT much. Maybe they have a neuroscience article that backs that, but from what I understand, that assumption is largely based on "rejection sensitivity dysphoria" which states that people with ADHD tend to feel an amplified sense of rejection. This has been true in my experience, and it can be intense. But I couldn't tell you how many "amplitudes more" I feel rejection compared to a neurotypical person, and it usually depends on the specific situation and my mood.

I think this concept doesn't really apply THAT differently based on your partner's neurology. Punishing partners isn't a thing you should be doing anyway.

I was wondering, is this across the board, meaning in the context of this thread, the OP’s wife dating other people and being ghosted after the second date, etc.? Or is it more compartmentalized, and reserved for him, or people that have more established bonds?

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

Before I address your comment I’d like to make a brief comment on this ^. To me this sounds or feels like someone putting together an intellectual exercise do’s and donts based on their own experience.
Hey please give real world examples of what you mean by punishment ??

The common punishments I've seen in relationships tend to be things like silent treatment and withholding affection. But it can also lead into genuinely concerning acts of abuse, like name-calling, hitting, or accusing the partner of things they haven't done.

Im not sure I get this …harsh words / punishment bad but calmly sharing how horribly let down, disappointed, unloved uncared for un cared about is a better approach?

I think you put it pretty well tbh. Our partners shouldn't be our opponents, even when discussing controversial matters. I have to remind myself plenty of times that my goal is never to "win" a conversation. It's to openly express my experience and listen.

In my opinion, a romantic partner should take their partner's thoughts seriously, and want to work with them to help find solutions. I try very hard to let people in my life know that they should feel okay coming to me if they feel like something's not right with our relationship. Having these discussions with anyone in my life have been pretty vital, and I think it is definitely possible to both make a person feel heard and valued while not sacrificing your own values and desires.

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I've also been more commonly practicing a recent approach that has come with some personally promising results: Pushing back against excuses.

Something I've tolerated less recently: Repeated statements when discussing a recurring issue. I think we're all privy to using rhetoric that absolves us of responsibility or ends a discussion. Statements like "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that,", "I'm too busy to discuss that", and "I would do that, but" are sometimes valid statements that quickly lose value when discussing repeating problems.

The way I've been tackling that is to try to be honest. "I hear you say you didn't mean to do that, but this is the third time you've done it, and I've already told you before that it hurts me. I need you to find a way to (say that/do that) differently."

I think this approach even intertwines with the approach of being vulnerable with your feelings. It is essentially putting pressure on others to treat you thoughtfully and reduce harm where possible. I also think it can make other people more empowered to do the same to you.

 

[YesThisIsDog242]

Yup …great on paper but I’m not convinced this step is carried out to its fullest out of fear of spooking the blast victim. It becomes a frog boil.

This is a great point! I'd like to actually change my statement on this a bit.

Hypothetical conversations can be very helpful, but I remember some poly-therapists bringing up the idea of "dis-entangling". I was actually in the process of doing this with my ex for non-poly reasons, and I found it very beneficial even in a mono-romantic context.

Two things that we disentangled: Sharing clothes and sleeping in the same bed at night.

We shared custody of three pets with two of them being medium-large dogs. I also tended to wake up earlier with the dogs, and that disrupted my ex's sleep. He moved to the guest bed and found that was a lot more beneficial for both of our sleep cycles, and I still could come over and cuddle in the morning if I wanted to.

Sharing clothes was one of those "We are able to do this, doesn't mean we actually should." He made some pretty salient points about wear-and-tear, laundry, and our individual styles, and I really appreciated the clothes separation.

I guess those examples have the common tie of something I'm trying to unlearn, which is that I don't need to enmesh myself with others to have them be an important part of my life. I'm sure another important step could be getting into a groove of having days where you don't see much of each other for non-romantic reasons, so that when you do start dating, it's a bit less stark. It reminds me of the "quality over quantity" saying.