My partner of three years are both poly and had a threesome but he broke a big rule and i don't know how to move on with my kink life.

[high heel queen]

Hello. I'm still new to this site, but thought maybe I can get some answers and helpful tips here.

My primary partner of three years asked me if there was anything I'd always wanted to try. I was reluctant, since I am a very shy person and haven't told anyone certain kinks about me before. I told him I wanted to try a threesome. We talked for a few days about it. Rules, what I want to feel during it, what kind, etc. I was shy, but pretty comfortable during it. But now I regret ever telling him that side of me.

What happened was we had a very important rule-- that I am not left out at all. I don't want it to feel like it's just them (and of course not just us, like, I wanted the three in THREEsome). But long story short, we had fun with her, then went to the club for a few hours, then headed back to the hotel.

Now, I was on my period, but we all still found a way for me to be included while having fun. He did said something along the lines of, "Hey, let's shower together, since it won't be messy, and we can have a little us moment, since you couldn't be included completely before." I was happy and went to the bathroom. While I started the shower, he had sex with her for 30+ minutes. I showered, took off my makeup, did all the skin and body care, and just heard their moans repeatedly over and over again. I felt sick and completely forgotten.

Fast forward to a few months, I've forgiven him, but now I'm struggling with the fact that maybe I can never explore my kinks. I'm trying to learn how to live with the pain. I still love him, but I just can't forget little me in the corner of the bathroom, hearing a man I love making love to another woman, completely forgetting what he said to me 5 min beforehand. I've been crying a lot more lately. There is some more to the story, but I'm already at my mental limit, typing this out. Will add clarification, if needed, in the comments. Thank you for reading.

 

[Tinwen]

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened to you This is definitely a breach of trust

To get the bigger picture, what were your poly agreements before the accident? Did you both have other partners, were you dating separately?
Is your partner also your dom? Do you explore D/s stuff together?

 

[high heel queen]

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is definitely a breach of trust.

To get the bigger picture, what were your poly agreements before the accident? Did you both have other partners, were you dating separately?
Is your partner also your dom? Do you explore D/s stuff together?

Thank you for your reply.

For the threesome
He inserted it in me first and finish on us or in me (unless I've said otherwise)
No playing without me
No saying I love you to the other person
And everyone is tested beforehand and after

Our relationship is D/s, while also being boyfriend and girlfriend. But honestly, I don't know if I can do anything kink-related with him for now. We have other partners that we know of, but we're not dating like anyone together. I hope that clarified it.

 

[Tinwen]

Thank you for your reply.
For the threesome
He inserted it in me first and finish on us or in me (unless I've said otherwise)
No playing without me
No saying I love you to the other person
And everyone is tested beforehand and after

Our relationship is D/s, while also being boyfriend and girlfriend. But honestly, I don't know if I can do anything kink-related with him for now. We have other partners that we know of, but we're not dating like anyone together.

Well I understand.
In case of boundary breach it matters a lot what happens after. How did your bf react once he understood he broke your boundary? He did understand that, right?

You said it's been a few months since, did you talk about the situation? Argue? Attempted any repairs?

 

[high heel queen]

Well I understand.
In case of boundary breach it matters a lot what happens after. How did your bf react once he understood he broke your boundary? He did understand that, right?

You said it's been a few months since, did you talk about the situation? Argue? Attempted any repairs?

The next day when checking out we talked about it. Lots of yelling and crying from me and apologies from him. He said I could hit him, but I didn't want to. He promised not to do it again. But the only way I know for sure he won't is if we have another one, and I'm scared to. We talked it out again a few weeks after that and I forgave him. But now even, though it's been a few months, I'm still hurt and I don't know how to live with it. Like we glued the plate back together but there are still cracks.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi and welcome.

This is a board for polyamory, which means having multiple loving romantic relationships. It's under the same umbrella as sharing group sex, that is, they are both ethical non-monogamy, but casual group sex, with "no saying I love you," is obviously the opposite of polyamory. Amor means love.

What you seem to want as a kink is to create successful group sex, without love for the "third."

Now, I have found, having had threesomes and foursomes a few times over the years (maybe 10 times, I'm no expert) is that finding that balance is a good goal, but it takes time and practice to achieve. Often if an established couple goes into it, one member of that couple can get carried away with the novelty of fucking the new partner, leaving out their beloved established partner. So you are not alone, at all. This has happened to me with certain of my ex-partners more than once.

I find that having threesomes with people who are more experienced, like swingers, is better because they can be more objective about it, and instead of getting carried away, stand outside the excitement enough to make sure everyone's needs are being taken care of. It's basic manners really. When you hit that balance, it can be fun.

However, for me personally, the "fun" isn't worth it. I prefer the intensity and bond of one-on-one sex. That's why I stopped having threesome/foursomes quite a few years ago.

If these threesomes are really a goal of yours, "practice makes perfect." Try try again. And speak up during! If something is not right, don't just let it be. Jump in and tell the others, "Hey, take a breather. I feel left out. Remember our goals here."

 

[high heel queen]

Thank you for your input. (I really appreciate it. I'm do at expressing gratitude over the phone so I apologize if it sounds like I'm being bland)

We are a poly couple and I also agree that one on one is always the best. I like the connection and bonding.

A lot of the things you're saying is clicking. I'm still new to poly and exploring my kink. Growing up sheltered, and only having a high school relationship before this, I guess I have more to learn. We did do it with experienced people, since I thought it'll be better for me if someone can help take the lead. And trust me, I wish I went out and told them to stop, but I just froze.

But your message is helping with quieting the dark voices that are telling me I'm not worth being open and not pretty enough to join.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello high heel queen,

I think one person being left out is probably the most common pitfall in threesomes. Your primary partner should have been more careful about that. Of course you are going to feel wary about exploring your kinks, you are no longer sure if you can trust your primary partner. He needs to take steps to restore your trust, you can't do that for him.

If you do try a threesome again, try not to freeze if you are feeling left out. Speak up and have enough self-esteem to advocate for your own needs. In the meantime, take as much time as you need to, to heal from this injury. I know it's been a few months, but that isn't really enough time to heal from something like this. You are experiencing a grief process.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

The next day when checking out we talked about it. Lots of yelling and crying from me and apologies from him. He said i could hit him but i didn't want to. He promisednot to do it again but the only way I know for sure he won'tis if we have another one and Im scared to. We talked it out again a few weeks after that and I forgave him. But now even, though its been a few months, I'm still hurt and I dont know how to live with it. Like we glued the plate back together but theres still cracks

I think you could go forward rebuilding trust by trying some kind of light kink that has always been pleasant and non-problematic for you. See how that goes. Find your D/s (and sexual?) relationship again, step by step. Keep threesomes a temporary no until you feel on solid ground in everything else again. Trust that there will be a time when you feel more ready.

If you do try a threesome again, try not to freeze if you are feeling left out. Speak up and have enough self-esteem to advocate for your own needs.

While the boys are right, it would help to tell them about your discomfort right away. Please don't beat yourself up about not doing so. I also think you had some kind of freeze reaction. It happens, and when it happens, there's usually a lot of guilt attached. I'm sure you've heard of people not being able to use their safe words because they froze. It really happens. It's not your fault.

If you feel stable enough to do so, see if not advocating for your needs is a pattern that occurs often in your daily life. Maybe you can get some practice speaking up immediately in simple situations, helping you prevent paralysis in harder ones.

Btw, loosely connected, you're a poly couple, so you probably have some ways to handle jealousy. How do you usually do it? Have you experienced situations where you've been in the same room with your partner and your metamour?

 

[high heel queen]

Hello high heel queen,

I think one person being left out is probably the most common pitfall in threesomes. Your primary partner should have been more careful about that. Of course you are going to feel wary about exploring your kinks, you are no longer sure if you can trust your primary partner. He needs to take steps to restore your trust, you can't do that for him.

If you do try a threesome again, try not to freeze if you are feeling left out. Speak up and have enough self-esteem to advocate for your own needs. In the meantime, take as much time as you need to, to heal from this injury. I know it's been a few months, but that isn't really enough time to heal from something like this. You are experiencing a grief process.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.

Thank you for responding

After talking with my female friends they also said that's honestly the number one reason why they haven't gone through with one.

When you say he has to earn my trust back, I completely agree. I'm just so lost on how that's supposed to look like. Thank you for stating that I am grieving. I think that's the emotion I've been feeling and couldn't find the word for it.

 

[high heel queen]

I think you could go forward rebuilding trust by trying some kind of light kink that has always been pleasant and non-problematic for you. See how that goes. Find your D/s (and sexual?) relationship again, step by step. Keep threesomes a temporary no until you feel on solid ground in everything else again. Trust that there will be a time when you feel more ready.


While the boys are right, it would help to tell them about your discomfort right away. Please don't beat yourself up about not doing so. I also think you had some kind of freeze reaction. It happens, and when it happens, there's usually a lot of guilt attached. I'm sure you've heard of people not being able to use their safe words because they froze. It really happens. It's not your fault.

If you feel stable enough to do so, see if not advocating for your needs is a pattern that occurs often in your daily life. Maybe you can get some practice speaking up immediately in simple situations, helping you prevent paralysis in harder ones.

Btw, loosely connected, you're a poly couple, so you probably have some ways to handle jealousy. How do you usually do it? Have you experienced situations where you've been in the same room with your partner and your metamour?

Thank you for the response and steps to start again. I was literally replying to someone else how he can regain my trust and this helps thank-you.

I do freeze when very high stressful events occur and that's mostly due to past trauma. I also have a bad habit of putting people first a lot, so I felt it would be too awkward for her if I just burst in and said hey stop. But I am writing that helpful tip down in my 'daily task' notebook. So again I say thank you.

The way I have dealt with jealousy is knowing and understanding that humans get jealous. As long as I have my time that is promised, I've done great knowing my partners are seeing other people because I know I'll have my own time. I think I'm having trouble with this evening, and the jealousy in it, because she was younger, cuter and (sorry, might be TMI, but its important) can squirt. While I am cute and still young, I have trouble with dryness, and it doesn't help that since it's been one on one sex he's finished about 1% of the many times we've tried. So I'm haunted by the last time I've heard him 'finish well' was with someone else while I was all alone during what was supposed to be my promised alone time.
When I see my partners with their other partners I actually get happy and say hi and chat. I understand that that's their promised time with them and always ask permission to hug and/or kiss on the cheek so they never feel like I'm trying to take them away.

 

[Magdlyn]

I do freeze when very high stress events occur. That's mostly due to past trauma.

Have you gotten therapy for your trauma?

I also have a bad habit of putting people first a lot, so I felt it would be too awkward for her if I just burst in and said Hey stop...

So many women are trained to put other's needs first, always. Heck, a lot of men are too. This is fine if you are taking care of children or the ill or helpless elderly, but not super great if you are dealing with your equals. You start to feel used. You feel like a door mat. You might expect others to read your mind, and get resentful when they don't, and the resentment builds and you become bitter.

This is an unhealthy pattern. I have been guilty of it before. One of the best pieces of advice a therapist gave me was, "Ask for what you want." Simple, but true. Just speak up. If you were trained not to do this as a child, break the pattern.

Don't make yourself think you always have to prevent people from "feeling bad." Your feelings matter too. Why do you think it's okay for you to feel bad while you "make" others feel good?

The way I have delt with jealousy is knowing and understanding that humans get jealous. As long as I have my time that is promised, I've done great, knowing my partners are seeing other people, because I know I'll have my own time.

Jealousy is based in fear of loss. If patience pays off, and trust is built by knowing your partners date others, but come back to you, that's great. Lesson learned.

I think I'm having trouble with this... and the jealousy... because she was younger, cuter and (sorry, might be TMI, but it's important) can squirt. While I am cute and still young...

Degrees of cuteness and youth really don't matter...

I have trouble with dryness. It doesn't help that since it's been one-on-one sex, he's finished about 1% of the many times we've tried.

Do you mean, in the entire three years you've been dating this guy, he has only orgasmed one percent of the times you've had sex? I'm confused.

I'd have to think this is more of a "him problem" than a "you problem." Lube exists. Have you been using it? We have one member here with a rather large penis and he has trouble having sex with any woman unless he uses lube. (SteveK-- he has a blog where he's talked about it.)

Some men can't orgasm in a vagina, but only with the woman's hand, or a blow job, or even just their own hand. Many men can't cum from a blow job, but can cum from intercourse. (I had one bf in his 40s who couldn't cum, ever, even from masturbation. He still enjoyed sex. It might've been a psychological issue, and for some, it's caused by medication.) It varies. And women have various needs when it comes to being able to cum. Some (a lot, actually) women never cum, or rarely. Others are multi-orgasmic. Partners can use a range of skills, but sometimes it is what it is, a personal problem, not a partner's failing.

So I'm haunted by the last time I've heard him 'finish well' was with someone else while I was all alone during what was supposed to be my promised alone time.

Are you referring to the threesome? I wasn't sure if the shower was supposed to be for all three of you, or just you and him. So you were in the bathroom alone, not watching them, just listening, and you think you heard your bf cum, and assume it was in her vagina? Did you ask him later if that was the case?

If he did cum inside her, you assume it's because she produces more lubrication than you? But if you used lube during sex, that shouldn't be the actual problem, right? Maybe it was just the novelty.

I know this is personal, but I don't completely understand the logistics.

When I see my partners with their other partners I actually get happy, say hi and chat. I understand that that's their promised time with them and always ask permission to hug and/or kiss on the cheek so they never feel like I'm trying to take them away.

How many partners do you have? Do you often see multiple partners out on dates with other people, like, at this club you mention?

So, if you see this bf (or another one) out at the club with someone else, do you "ask" him, or his date, or both, whether it's okay to hug him? How open is he that he is dating you? Doesn't your clubbing friends group all know you and he have been dating for three years, and that you're polyamorous?

By the way, was the above-mentioned threesome supposed to include lesbian sex between you and the woman? Or just you and her doing things to your bf?

In future:

1) Ask for what you need.
2) Maybe try another threesome when you're not having your period, and neither is the other woman.
3) Discuss beforehand amongst the three of you how you have trouble asking for what you want, you freeze, and would like them to look out for you and make sure you're involved. As I said before, it's just good group-sex etiquette.
3) Lube.


I'm looking forward to your response. Hit the reply button section by section to quote specific parts of my post.

 

[Tinwen]

Thank you for the response and steps to start again. I was literally replying to someone else how he can regain my trust and this helps thank-you.

I do freeze when very high stressful events occur and thats mostly due to past trauma. I also have a bad habit of putting people first alot so I felt it'll be too awkward for her if I just burst in and said hey stop. But I am writing that helpful tip down in my 'daily task' notebook so again I say thank you

The way I have delt with jealousy is knowing and understanding that humans get jealous. As long as I have my time that is promised, Ive done great knowing my partners are seeing other people because I know I'll have my own time. I think I'm having trouble with this even and the jealousy in it because she was younger, cuter and (sorry might be TMI but its important) can squirt. While I am cute and still young I have trouble with dryness and it doesn't help that since its been one on one sex he's finished about 1% of the many times we've tried. So I'm hunted by the last time I've heard him 'finish well' was with someone else while I was all alone during what was supposed to be my promise alone time.
When I see my partners with their other partners I actually get happy and say hi and chat. I understand that that's their promise time with them and always ask permission to hug and/or kiss on the cheek so they never feel like I'm trying to take them away.

Well, thank you too

Your agreements about dealing with jealousy and couple time sound good, as long as they work for everyone. It sounds like your bf can be consistent about the time he promised the majority of time, which is good, and you and your metamours are good at respecting each others time. I like it, a lot actually, although in this one and only threesome case it seems to have backfired - your bf didn't respect what he promised (or maybe didn't see his suggestion as a binding promise), and when "your time" suddenly became "her time" you were left left with no tools - you didn't feel like you could interact.

I brought it up in part because we have a different protocol which I wanted to suggest - it there's an event where we're going all three with Meta, or if we're someplace where erotica with others may happen, and jealousy occurs, we will speak up as soon as possible. If I get jealous/envious, I will ask my partner to give me attention too. It usually works, though I'm sure it can backfire too

But what you do works well for you, so just some food for thought.

 

[high heel queen]

Have you gotten therapy for your trauma?

Oh wow this makes replying so much easier. Thank you!
Yes, for awhile, then the bills got too high.

 

[high heel queen]

Do you mean, in the entire three years you've been dating this guy, he has only orgasmed one percent of the times you've had sex? I'm confused

No sorry I can elaborate. So the entire three years when we had sex it was great. Used toys, lube, etc., and we'd both come multiple times. Since the threesome with her, he hasn't been the same. I still finish, but he really hasn't, and makes me feel maybe because she was cuter/younger, etc. ik it doesn't matter, it just been making me feel like I've done something or need to change something. I know I don't, and I'm spiraling into negative thoughts, but I can't help but think that, if that makes sense.

 

[Tinwen]

No sorry I can elaborate. So the entire three years when we had sex it was great. Use toys lube ect and we'll both come multiple times. Since the threesome with her he hasn't been the same. I still finish but he really hasn't and makes me feel maybe because she was cuter/youngere ect. ik it doesn't matter it just been making me feel like I've done something or need to change something. I know I dont, and I'm spiraling into negative thoughts, but I can't help but think that, if that makes sense.

Did you talk about that?
I don't think she's cuter or something, but sometimes when there is a problem it's perceived as a mutual breach of trust. I don't want to be unnecessarily negative, but he may well be insecure around you (because he got a scolding) or reconsidering the relationship.
Also, is he still seeing your threesome partner? Could there be NRE going on?

 

[high heel queen]

Are you referring to the threesome? I wasn't sure if the shower was supposed to be for all three of you, or just you and him. So you were in the bathroom alone, not watching them, just listening, and you think you heard your bf cum, and assume it was in her vagina? Did you ask him later if that was the case?

I did ask him a lot of questions, because my mind was scattered, and I wanted to know what rules were broken. Not just the rule of him excluding me, and he did say he finished in her while I was in the bathroom. The shower time was his idea, since I couldn't have sex on the bed due to my period, but in the shower it would be a lot less messy.

 

[high heel queen]

If he did cum inside her, you assume it's because she produces more lubrication than you? But if you used lube during sex, that shouldn't be the actual problem, right? Maybe it was just the novelty.

Hearing that, you could be right, because yes, we do use lube.

 

[high heel queen]

How many partners do you have? Do you often see multiple partners out on dates with other people, like, at this club you mention?

So, if you see this bf (or another one) out at the club with someone else, do you "ask" him, or his date, or both, whether it's okay to hug him? How open is he that he is dating you? Doesn't your clubbing friends group all know you and he have been dating for three years, and that you're polyamorous?

By the way, was the above-mentioned threesome supposed to include lesbian sex between you and the woman? Or just you and her doing things to your bf?

I have three partners. I have seen them on dates before at like the state fair, popular restaurants for big events.

I ask her. So usually if we know we are going to bump into each other with another partner, we go over what is allowed. If we happen to see each other without knowing we would, I ask her, so she knows I'll respect their space. And they do the same for me. Diving deeper, for example, if we bump into each other at the club, we are more likely to be okay with hugs and kiss. But out in, let's say, a restaurant, hand shaking and simple greeting is common, due to the fact that sometimes they're with work friends or family, or just don't want me to show affection that day. My partners know about each other, have met and also know how long I've been with them.

In the threesome, yes, lesbian sex. There will be times where she's the center and we both do stuff to her and switch amongst ourselves. My goal was everyone feeling included.

 

[high heel queen]

1) Ask for what you need.
2) Maybe try another threesome when you're not having your period, and neither is the other woman.
3) Discuss beforehand amongst the three of you how you have trouble asking for what you want, you freeze, and would like them to look out for you and make sure you're involved. As I said before, it's just good group-sex etiquette.
3) Lube.

I'm so sorry I am taking you advice seriously and putting it in my kink notebook but I did laugh outloud at 3 "Lube" I dont know why it just made my day lol. But yes I'll go forward with this once I feel ready to try again.