Polyamorous relationship norms

[nursegrad]

I am unsure what some of the norms are to be aware of in a polyamorous relationship.

Is it normal to be asked questions, sometimes of an intimate nature, about other men you are seeing? I was a bit taken back by the questions my boyfriend began asking, and while I answered them honestly I started thinking whether or not that was normal or appropriate?

Should each relationship be treated on its own, separately, if that makes sense? Or is extreme transparency expected? I just want to make sure I do not cross any lines or boundaries by over sharing or asking too many questions of my own.

 

[ref2018]

Everyone has a different expectation of what is "normal" in their relationships. Most of the regulars on this forum generally agree that it isn't *ethical* to share details about other relationships without the consent of the person whose details are being shared.

That said, we don't own the definition of "normal" and "expected" here. For some people (particularly swingers, but also many "poly couples"), a major part of the reason(s) they do this is so that they can get off on hearing (sexy) stories about the other relationships. But as a general rule of thumb, it's usually a good idea to treat each relationship as separate and independent of the others, even when it's a triad (three people all involved with each other).

 

[nursegrad]

Everyone has a different expectation of what is "normal" in their relationships. Most of the regulars on this forum generally agree that it isn't *ethical* to share details about other relationships without the consent of the person whose details are being shared.

That said, we don't own the definition of "normal" and "expected" here. For some people (particularly swingers, but also many "poly couples"), a major part of the reason(s) they do this is so that they can get off on hearing (sexy) stories about the other relationships. But as a general rule of thumb, it's usually a good idea to treat each relationship as separate and independent of the others, even when it's a triad (three people all involved with each other).

That is really good advice, thank you so much and I agree. Those details should be treated separately and honored as such.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Emma,

There's all kinds of ways to approach poly, some people do extreme transparency between dyads, others opt for more privacy and autonomy. The one thing to keep in mind, when your boyfriend asks intimate questions about the older man, is, whether the older man would want your boyfriend to have that much information, the older man's right to privacy has to be respected too. If he doesn't mind if you share intimate details about him, then you are good to go. As long as you, too, are comfortable sharing that much stuff with your boyfriend.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.

 

[nursegrad]

Hello Emma,

There's all kinds of ways to approach poly, some people do extreme transparency between dyads, others opt for more privacy and autonomy. The one thing to keep in mind, when your boyfriend asks intimate questions about the older man, is, whether the older man would want your boyfriend to have that much information, the older man's right to privacy has to be respected too. If he doesn't mind if you share intimate details about him, then you are good to go. As long as you, too, are comfortable sharing that much stuff with your boyfriend.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.

Thank you for this, I am so glad I did not answer some of his questions as a result of that and will definitely have that conversation with the older man. Thankful that I at least knew better not just to blurt out a response to some intimate details

 

[kdt26417]

That's good, you are new to poly and bound to make some mistakes. Your instincts guided you right, they told you not to go too far in answering your boyfriend's questions.