I need advice on how to tell hubby I'm going to see the new guy

whatamIdoing

whatamIdoing

New member
I need advice on how to tell hubby I'm going to see the new guy.

Hi all. Well, my life continues to be up and down... and interesting. Here's the latest.

My husband asked me last night if I minded if he went on an overnight trip with our friend C. I don't mind him going with C and told him to go and have a good time. So they are leaving Friday after work (around 6:30 PM).

C would love to have a more physical relationship with my hubby, but he's not really interested. They are very close friends, however. In a way, I hope it does get physical for them Friday night.

I sent J an email letting him know I was free on Friday night, and if he was not busy maybe we could get together. I fully expected him to be busy.

SURPRISE! He's free. So now I am going to drive up to see J. This will be our first alone time, and our first meeting since I brought the idea of my having a relationship with J to my husband.

Husband is a bit jealous, and a bit concerned, and has no idea that I asked J if he wanted to see me Friday. I have to tell him. I fear a bad reaction.

J and I do not have final plans yet.

I wonder if I should wait to tell hubby until the plans are final, or if I should mention to him I'm going to see J, but we don't know what we are doing yet.

The possibility exists that I will spend the night up there, but I don't know, and may not know until that actually happens.

I've probably left some important points out, but that's what I can think of right now.
 
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Honestly, I think you`ll just have to weather the storm. I mean, he may not be pleased that you talked to the boyfriend before talking to him. He`s feeling some insecurities currently, and these little things matter. You might not hear what you hope to hear.

In future, when you get a date idea due to schedules all lining up, broach the idea with your husband first. When a spouse is skittish, but trying, these little things really help them feel like they are part of a decision.

Come to think of it, you could still do this. Just be blunt, and say to husband; 'While you are busy, what do you think of me going to see J?'

You might also give him factual info. A time you will be leaving your house, a time you will be arriving home. Will you stay the night? Will you want to contact your hubby and let him know you are okay? All good info.

Then offer to give him a day or so to think about it.

Be prepared to "ixnay" plans.
Be prepared to be able to make other last-minute plans.
Be prepared to scramble.

Yes, it does all seem much like you are back in high school, asking your parents if it's ok to go on a date with the bad boy. Still, a little goes a long way with these scenarios. Chose your wording carefully.

FTR, I never ask 'permission.' I always ask what someone thinks, or how they feel. I ask for their input. It means more, and then the spouse doesn`t feel like the 'bad guy' for having feelings.
 
Superjast said:
Honestly, I think you`ll just have to weather the storm. He may not be pleased that you talked to the boyfriend before talking to him. He`s feeling some insecurities currently, and these little things matter. You might not hear what you hope to hear.

In future, when you get a date idea due to schedules all lining up, broach the idea with your husband first. When a spouse is skittish, but trying, these little things really help them feel like they are part of a decision.

Come to think of it, you could still do this. Just be blunt, and say to husband, 'While you are busy, what do you think of me going to see J?'

You might also give him factual info. A time you will be leaving your house, a time you will be arriving home. Will you stay the night? Will you want to contact your hubby and let him know you are okay? All good info.

Then offer to give him a day or so to think about it.

Be prepared to "ixnay" plans.
Be prepared to be able to make last-minute plans.
Be prepared to scramble.

Yes, it does all seem much like you are back in high school, asking your parents if it's okay to go on a date with the bad boy. Still, a little goes a long way with these scenarios. Chose your wording carefully.

FTR, I never ask 'permission.' I always ask what someone thinks, or how they feel. I ask for their input. It means more, and then the spouse doesn`t feel like the 'bad guy' for having feelings.
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WOW. Awesome information, and great advice.

Last minute plans with J never work. In fact, he said this is so last minute. Our first date was planned for January 8th. DH knew about that and was okay with it. I never ever thought J would be free, hence not mentioning it to hubby. But I should have. You are right.
 
Well I told him, just like you suggested. He's not excited for me, but he's okay with it. I wish he was not so sad about this.
 
Being upfront (meaning talking about ideas before they become plans) is always a good idea.

It takes a bit to get over the sense of loss. I'm the poly one in my marriage, and I still went through that when Maca got a girlfriend.

I like to leave him a love letter, or something else special when I go, something that will remind him that I love him too, that he's not forgotten while I'm gone. I also like to bring him back something, a card, a small gift that I picked up while I was gone with GG. Just lets him know that GG and I aren't pretending he doesn't exist. We're loving each other with full understanding of my love and commitment to him as well.

Good luck!
 
whatamIdoing said:
Well, I told him. He's not excited for me, but he's ok with it. I wish he was not so sad about this.
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Well, he will be sad for awhile. I know, for you, It`s hard to go off and have fun when someone you love is not happy for you. Just know these things take time. You have to look at the initial phase of dating as a way to help gain a partner`s confidence. Chipping away one insecurity at a time.

So you go on the date. You do like LR says, and make sure you leave a thoughtful memento for your spouse. Since your spouse is going away, maybe put it in his bag/suitcase.

Surprise your spouse. I always read on these forums about people going on first dates and not wanting to be 'bugged' by their spouse while on a date. Well, why not surprise the spouse and be the one to call and check on them? See how they are doing. Prove you haven`t forgotten them.

Be home when you say you`ll be home. Do the things you say you'll do.

All these things truly help build trust and belief in poly situations. I see many people who will be annoyed their spouse won't trust them, or allow them to be poly. Yet these same people are constantly late, constantly dropping the ball on the little things. How will the spouse ever be able to trust the big things?

Anyhow, back to you. It doesn`t start out easy, but it has the ability to get easier over time. :)


Edit to note: Superjast is now SourGirl. Family-sniffing has caused a change of name. Sorry for any confusion.
 
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Well I got home. We talked. It's not going well.

He says I should go and do it, but that he is not happy, and he won't be happy, and he's very sure I am going to leave him for J.

I really feel bad here. I really feel that he's being unfair. It's ok for him to go away with a friend for an overnight trip because he doesn't want to sleep with her; it's ok for him to have female friends that he talks to 2 hours a day every day; it's ok for him to text and flirt with others; or try to get with other women; but the second I want to try to do this for the first time in eight years of being together, he can't deal.

He said he's willing to give it all up. But I never got my chance, and I'm mad.
 
whatamIdoing said:
He says I should go and do it, but that he is not happy, and he won't be happy, and he's very sure I am going to leave him for J.
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That's the type of thing that comes from time. Go this time, follow SG's advice and keep him in contact. Don't let NRE completely envelop you and cause you to forget about hubby. This is one of those times where you need to build that trust from scratch. Go, have fun, come home. ;)
 
Ariakas said:
Thats the type of thing that comes from time. Go this time. Keep him in contact. Don't let NRE completely envelop you and cause you to forget about hubby. This is one of those times where you need to build that trust from scratch. Go, have fun, come home.
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That's what I want to do. I plan to call him every few hours (except sleep time). J also has to learn that my time with him is only when B is doing other things, and B still has contact with me.

But watching my B hurt so badly is like a knife in my heart.

BTW, I might have to add that both of us had gastric bypass a little over a year ago. I'm at goal, but he still has weight to lose, and this is probably not helping his insecurity.
 
Your hubby's response is him verbalizing his fears. It`s like someone who is scared of plane rides chanting, 'I'm gonna die!'

I think you owe it to both of yourselves to at least try this upcoming weekend. You will both have a clearer idea of what you can/can't handle after the first sleepover is over and done with.

You plan on keeping in contact with hubby and coddling his nerves a bit, but not too much. Good for you. :)

Don't get to angry at him. I do understand the 'fairness' issue that can come up, but you need to lose the battle to win the war, so to speak. For him, it is much like him having a good hand (sexual relations and time with others), but you holding the trump card (feelings).
 
SourGirl said:
Your hubby`s response is him verbalizing his fears. It's like someone who is scared of plane ride`s chanting 'I'm gonna die!'

I think you owe it to both of yourselves to at least 'try this upcoming weekend. You will both have a clearer idea of what you can/cant handle after the first sleepover is over and done with.

You plan on keeping in contact with hubby and coddling his nerves a bit, but not too much. Good for you. Don`t get too angry at him. I do understand the 'fairness' issue that can come up, but you need to lose the battle to win the war...
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WOW! You so get it!

We talked more... and more and more and more... Lots of pain on both ends.

He really is afraid that J will try to take me away from him. He asked me to promise that if J ever tried to take me away from him, to end the relationship. It was an easy promise to make, because it was always in my head to do that if it were the case.
 
So, how come he isn't getting that if he goes and has fun that it isn't any different than you going and having fun? Sorry, this conversation seems a wee bit obvious, somehow. Am I missing something? :confused:
 
redpepper said:
How come he isn't getting that if he goes and has fun that it isn't any different than you going and having fun? Am I missing something?
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it's easy to be confused in my life, Redpepper. ;)

He is going with this friend (he only sees her as a friend, not a lover) to help her drop off a horse. They had no plans to get a room to sleep in. I found out last night that I misunderstood what was happening. They will nap in her truck when they get tired. It's not a pleasure cruise for him.

Now, granted, he's had a few visits here and there with women in the last few years, with my blessing. I never have, not because he didn't want me to, but just because there was no one I wanted to be with.

The issue for B is that he does not like or trust J. He truly believes that J is going to try to take me away from him. I keep asking him if I have any say in whom I'm with. He says "yes," but yet he feels that J will "win" if there is a choice to be made. I asked him if he trusted me, and he said "yes," so I pointed out that if he trusts me, he has to believe that I'll come back to him always.

He's not stopping me. He has said he does not think he can deal with my relationship with J being long term. I told him I do not know where my relationship with J is going. I told him that I do have to play this out. I also said that I would rather do it openly and honestly than sneak around and cheat on him. I never would have let it get this far if I'd known that B really couldn't deal with it.

I really do not think B can deal with my being fully truly polyamorous, :( at least not at this point.

Now, it may be person-specific. But since J is my first, I can't believe that it won't always be person specific. The funny thing for me is that right now, it's person-specific for me too. I never considered the possibility of loving two men at the same time. I don't love J at this point. I don't know if I ever will. I do know I need to see what will happen with us, and I would rather do it openly and honestly. I am excited (and fully in NRE, which I keep trying to explain to B). I want B to be excited and happy for me, but he's not, and that makes me sad.
 
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