Something More

M

marksbabygirl

Member
Something More

The past 4 months have been an incredibly gut-wrenching, painful journey for me. There are fractures in what I thought was a solid, unbreakable marriage. My sex drive is at an all-time low.

I've learned some things. though.

I've learned that I have a LOT of work to do on myself. The idea that my husband can love someone else terrifies me to the core. I know where that fear comes from. And the work to overcome that fear is going to be immense. It stems from my early childhood, reinforced by various situations and people right up to and including my husband's actions recently.

I am fascinated by what I am reading on the Facebook group. The ideas about non-violent communication, scarcity vs abundance, how to be a wholehearted person, the processes of learning to own your feelings and being responsible for them. Hmm... now that I think about it, it's mostly stuff RP posts. It all challenges me to think, to re-evaluate who I am and what I believe.

I keep reading, even though it causes me anxiety. I have learned that those things that cause me anxiety are issues I need to work on.

I don't know where we'll go in terms of other relationships, and right now I don't want a direction. I choose to stay around the poly forums because I find the information here invaluable for my own personal growth.
 
Thanks for the update, my friend. I hope the learning continues and leads to happiness for you and all you care about. Take care. :)
 
SNeacail said:
There is a reason that sledgehammers are reserved for demolition. Ever try to bend a piece of wood? It is a sloooow process that can take days, and it may require extra encouragement, such as steam, water, clamps, making minor adjustments as you go. Bend it too fast and it will break and splinter.
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This.

We bent too fast.

I get frequent texts from P. I am okay with that, because before she and W got together, we had been forging a friendship. But I'm sorta not okay with it, because it feels like the texts are just for me to be a go-between, so she can keep in contact with W until he is okay with talking to her again.

I spend a lot of time on two issues:

1. Shoulding-- I should be this, I should feel that, I should be okay with this, I should be emotionally that. It leaves me feeling less than and inadequate.
2. Chameleon-- I am a chameleon. I need to find out who *I* am and what *I* want.

Ever watch the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts & Richard Gere? She conformed herself to each of her different partners, only to run away at the wedding, because it wasn't who she was or what she wanted. But she didn't know how to express that. She ended up in her apartment alone, having cooked eggs 6 different ways because she didn't know what kind she liked and wanted to try them.

That's how I feel. I need to sit alone for a while trying out this or that to see which one *I* like.

I know W is poly. He's not willing to go through the pain and stress we went through again. It had physical ramifications. So for him, he's going to remain happily monogamous. I think that if we were to get ourselves sorted, it would end up being okay for both of us.

I think about being poly. I am still interested in other people, but uncomfortable with poly, considering how badly it broke my marriage. For the first time in over 11 years I don't have a wedding ring indent on my finger. I have considered moving into the spare room while we sort out what broke between us.

It's all fixable, but like I said, I feel like I am a chameleon right now. I need to get to the root of who *I* am. I think there's someone pretty awesome in there. But she's buried deep.
 
marksbabygirl said:
I think about being poly. I am still interested in other people , but uncomfortable with poly, considering how badly it broke my marriage. For the first time in over 11 years I don't have a wedding ring indent on my finger. I have considered moving into the spare room while we sort out what broke between us.
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((hugs))

I'm willing to bet that it wasn't poly that broke your marriage. Instead, it probably brought to the forefront other issues that were previously being ignored or dismissed.

I don't really have experience with poly yet, but was inches from divorce back in July. I discovered an affair again and I completely flipped out. 3 days later, I called and made an appointment with a marriage counselor. Things between us have changed so drastically that we aren't even on the same planet we were on before. Sex with other people was not what broke our marriage, the inability to communicate to each other did. I don't think we could have fixed this on our own. We needed that objective third party.

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have been harboring resentments and disappointments for almost that long, but didn't even realize it. For most of our marriage, we were just existing.
 
SNeacail said:
I'm willing to bet that it wasn't poly that broke your marriage, instead it probably brought to the forefront other issues that were previously being ignored or dismissed.
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When I first saw this, I objected. NOm YOU'RE WRONG! I spent time composing a very long post as to WHY you were wrong, and why it was all HIS fault or HER fault. Then work got in the way and I didn't hit submit because I wasn't yet happy with how it was worded.

It never got posted. I am one of those who will let something rattle around in their brain until it's *right* or until it gets sorted out. Usually if it gets sorted out there's crying and tears and conversations involved.

And this morning there was.

And I realized that I've been looking at a lot of this bass-ackwards.

Yes, there were some behaviours that I REALLY didn't like coming from the two of them. Yes, I mostly understood that it was NRE, and logically I could see that eventually it would get sorted out and get better.

What I couldn't see, in the pain/anxiety/stress/panic, was my part in everything.

There are things, that, had we never ventured into poly, would never have come to the light, so in that respect, yes... poly broke us.

But the fact that those things WERE brought to light was a good thing. We can fix those things now. And if we venture out into having other relationships again.... we'll be better equipped to handle things.
 
marksbabygirl said:
But the fact that those things WERE brought to light was a good thing. We can fix those things now. And if we venture out into having other relationships again, we'll be better equipped to handle things.
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For many years (most of my marriage) there were little things that bugged me, and I'm not even sure I would have been able to point a finger at exactly they were. I just lived with it. I thought I had no choice, that was part of marriage. Then everything came crashing down in a big way. It wasn't until we started seen the marriage counsellor that we discovered what exactly some of these other issues were and how they contributed to undermining our marriage. His actions would fuel my actions, and vice versa, rarely with positive results.

Sometimes it's the small things that do the most damage, so when that last thing is added, everything comes toppling down with catastrophic results.

My biggest regret was that it took so long to realize what needed fixing and how to go about doing it.

((Hugs)) and best wishes.
 
I am learning to keep myself out of things that don't involve me.

I am frustrated and irritated.

P has been texting me, keeping in touch. I'm okay with that, even with the texts having a tone of being primarily to keep a line of contact with him. I *thought* we were on our way to being friends before, during and even after. So whatever.

She texts me and asks me how *I* feel about her contacting him. I'm like, well, I'm somewhat apprehensive, fairly scared about the feelings between the two of you flaring up and taking over a friendship. And he needs more time. So, not right now.

I had shared every single text with W, asked him what he thought, how he felt. He said "I need more time"

Okay.

I was hesitant to tell her that, because the theme of the issues when they were together was that I was irrational, unreasonable and controlling. So, I figured that if it came from me, that's the thought process that would happen again.

Sure enough.

So my text about him needing more time and I am uncomfortable was read as, "Jane has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want us to be in contact." And now I'm irritated. Not because she chose to read it wrong, but because she chose to text him anyhow, and it upset him.

But its none of my business. Their relationship (or non-relationship) is none of my business. And I have finally (with the help of a really awesome lady) figured that out.

The only thing that's my business is how it affects me or my children. And it doesn't.

W will make his decisions about when/where/how he'd like to communicate with her again. And if she wants to be friends with me, I'm still open to that. But I'm taking back my stress levels. This is not my business.

I wish I'd learned that sooner. :p :eek:
 
It's hard to stay out of someone's relationship (or non-relationship) when one of the parties concerned is someone you're invested in. I imagine that it's even worse if you're invested in both parties in the relationship. Your concern needs to be on your relationship with W. It's up to him to communicate with you how things are with him, and when he's ready to resume communication with P, and what that communication will look like. It's your responsibility to continue being open about how you feel with him and what you need from him. It isn't your responsibility to act as messenger between the two of them.

-Derby
 
marksbabygirl said:
Their relationship (or non-relationship) is none of my business. And I have finally (with the help of a really awesome lady) figured that out.

The only thing that's my business is how it affects me or my children. And it doesn't.

W will make his decisions about when/where/how he'd like to communicate with her again... and if she wants to be friends with me, I'm still open to that. But I'm taking back my stress levels... this is not my buisness.

I wish I'd learned that sooner. :p :eek:
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Good for you!
 
Hi!

LOL, I was all ready to write about how I really feel for you and relate to your situation and that I have a lot of similar feelings and issues with discovering who I really am... and then I read that last post and I just started cracking up instead! :)
 
Yeah, it was funny. Hot and steamy, I'm tied up, helpless on the bed, and he goes for the lube. Then all of a sudden he's gone. Good thing I wasn't gagged or blindfolded...

Its been a painful and frustrating journey for me. We were extremely ill-prepared for what happened, and the ripples continue to affect, us even as recently as last night.

We finally came to a point of understanding last night. There were some things that were said and done that hurt me, during their relationship, and continuing on after...

I have come to some conclusions about myself and what I need to work on me to get ME to a healthy place, and some things I need from HIM for us to have healthy communication. I.e., I want more kids. I don't want to give birth. I'd love to adopt. He said he'd think about it, and he kept saying that. Until finally last night, he admitted that NO, he does not want to adopt. He's really truly done. It was a huge breakthrough for the both of us. I need him to not be so afraid of upsetting me that he hurts me more (in this instance, by keeping the hope alive that we'd have a gorgeous little girl running around). I need to grieve and move on, and I can't if he continues to give me false hope.

Short story long, I need him to tell me the truth, not tell me what he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me happy. Incongruencies and out of sync communication seriously mess with me. And I need to be okay in my own skin.

We continued to talk last night about how he knows he can love another, but he chooses not to pursue anyone. The stress of what happened these past months has taken a physical toll on him that he chooses not to repeat.

I was able to tell him that I still think about other people. I am half in love with his brother, and he's okay with that. I don't want to actively seek out another relationship at this point, but it's ok if something finds me.

But my focus for 2011 will be my own mental and physical health and my family. Everything else will come secondary to that.
 
I'm glad that there have been some revelations and more openness. I think people in relationships should take regular communication classes (at least twice a year) because many couples believe their communication is good when it's not. Constantly seeking avenues to broaden those lines of communication will help fuel the relationship. (sorry...went off on my own rant). Yea...maybe we should change the tops on one of the bottles so it'll be easier to differentiate even in the dark. For instance, if it's flat at the top (flip top), it's sanitizer. If it's cylinder/cone shaped at the top, its lube. lol
 
For the first time in months, I was able to drive by a certain landmark without pain last Saturday. Every work day, 2X a day, I am forced to drive past a specific landmark, and until recently, it would cause gut-wrenching pain and start off a litany of conversations in my head. Saturday, I drove by there with other things on my mind and there was nothing but some sadness.

Time does heal all wounds. Some are not fully healed. In the wake of family grief and stress I find I am unable to open up, to let go and to cry... and I need to, desperately. But that, too, will come.

I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I want/need in life. We are open to possibilities, although right now that translates into not much is happening, because our life is so freaking busy. Options are open to discussion and negotiations should they come up. :)

I have missed these forums.
 
Dusted this blog off...

Ariakas once posted on my (other) blog that my updates were awesomely vague. I was vague on purpose, sorta. I couldn't talk about what I was experiencing during P&W's relationship, or really even after. The closest I came to talking about what I was feeling was a note on Fetlife. Even now I still have trouble articulating what was going on for me and how it STILL affects me.

The reality is, the issues that ultimately ended everything left at least 3 people in pain, and me in a situation where I was terrified to talk, and putting up walls. I couldn't talk, wasn't allowed to talk, had nowhere to talk. I could have talked here, but my reasons for not talking here only intensified. I didn't want to seem like I was slandering someone I genuinely thought was a fantastic woman. And I never wanted anything to be a he said/she said situation.

Ariakas has since deleted and/or blocked me on all sites/methods of communication, so I don't know if he will ever see this or not.

Now I'm at the point where I have to do what's best for ME and MY relationship, not worry about what others may or may not say about me. I can't be that person who had encased herself in walls, because walls shatter and then the pain all comes out. That's who I became, someone who was desperately trying to hide behind walls. But in the end everything shattered.

The theme of a lot of the issues with W&P's relationship, with mine & W's relationship, was not saying anything so someone wouldn't get hurt, and invariably someone got hurt worse.

I wonder... if I had actually reached out, would things have been different? Not that it matters now. My feeling is that one side doesn't want to know my side, and that's okay. I wish everyone happiness and a good life. Regardless of whether they understand or care about what was going on for me, I do hope things go well for them. I am sad for the loss of a potential friendship, though.

Wellington and I had a major breakthrough on Monday. We were having a conversation, it turned into a fight, the same issues came up again... and I was finally able to tell him how I was feeling in a way that the 'light' came on.

For 13 years, any time we've had a conversation that involved me expressing feelings that were NOT positive and supportive and happy about him, he'd shut the conversation down. He doesn't do confrontation well, and he has a tendency to react rather than pause, think and act when he perceives an attack. (Note, I'm not saying I don't attack, but regardless, he perceives it as one.)

I finally was able to show him what he was doing in a way that made sense to HIM.

Gawd, I love that man. When he's faced with something he doesn't like about himself, he's all for changes and adjustments. He may not LIKE a trait about himself, but he's always willing to FACE it and WORK on it, as soon as he understands it. I wish I had half of that ability.

Knowing he's willing to stop and pause and think about what's being said, rather than react to the perceived attack, means that the walls I've been so carefully constructing can start to come down. It means that he truly will be a safe place for me to talk, and we can be SO much more genuine with each other.

I don't know where we're going in our poly journey, but I do know that wherever it is, it will be with a better understanding of ourselves. :D
 
First, I would like to say I wish you the best moving forward, and I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I hope this post clears up the series of events that seem to have left you hanging.

There was a lot of drama surrounding the overall relationship. Throughout the entire time I did try to remain friends. However we have a significant number of life differences/experiences. This alone would have caused us to drift apart.

After the cord was cut with Pengrah, regardless of how it was done (and no I don't want to debate it), I took my time to help Pengrah heal and in all honesty our "new" friendship had to end. Between us not having common ground and your husband being my wifes ex, there was no way to maintain a friendship without the anger, hurt and drama continuing.

There was a lot of drama in all of this, drama I try to minimize in my life. Friends, lovers or otherwise. It is not something I freely welcome into my home in abundance.

I would never stop someone from posting or writing about their relationships or problems. Please, if you need to do that here, go ahead. I would have left you to your own posts if you had chosen to do so, this is not my forum, I am simply a member who is active. The same goes for fetlife.

I have said all of this before, maybe I wasn't clear enough, I hope this clears up any confusion. I am ending it here.

Ari
 
Ariakas said:
I have said all of this before, maybe I wasn't clear enough, I hope this clears up any confusion. I am ending it here.
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Everything was abundantly clear in your PM to me several months ago. It remains clear, a choice was made before the relationship between them ended and I was left floundering.

None of it was your fault or your responsibility, and I'm not going to go into any of it. I still have parts of that affecting me. You DON'T know what happened on my side, Pengrah doesn't, and NEITHER of you gave any thought to what was really happening.

The drama wasn't only coming from me. Even now, I am not the one stirring shit here. The truth is, you only saw it from her side, and that's the only side you ever wanted to see it from. It didn't matter how she hurt me or what she did, because you had decided it wasn't going to work out LONG before it ended.

I made a decision to keep silent a long time ago and it did serious damage. I'm not going to keep silent any further.
 
Fantastic day with hubby & kids today. He's waiting for me to kick his ass at backgammon.

We had some phenomenal talks in the last couple days, working through the fissures and fractures that are so close to healed. It's awesome.

I've heard that when you break a bone, the healed part is much stronger than it was whole. It feels to be a truth for us, as well. The healed parts will be stronger.

We are enjoying each other's company. It's a good good thing. :D
 
Had a great conversation with a woman the other night. She's poly, in 3 relationships, and we have a lot in common. Right now, I'm happily exploring friendships, with no expectation of more. She's cute, though. I can't stop staring at her lips when I see her in person. :p
 
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