not sure what to do

[Monoconfused]

My wife of seven years recently found a boyfriend. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Her parents had a polyamorous relationship too. I was raised in a very traditional household and with traditional values.

She has been open and honest with me from the beginning. Her relationship developed from someone who she wanted to have a threeway with, to a possible second sexual partner, to lover very quickly, in the matter of about two weeks. She says that she needs him to be happy. On some level, I understand that you can love someone else. But I don't like it. She says that when she has us both she feels complete and comfy in her own skin for the first time in a very long time.

Only now, I feel broken. I won't tell her she can't have what makes her happy, but I don't think that I can be happy if she continues down this road. I guess even though I understand how someone can love two people, I just had always hoped that it would never happen to me. I feel like I am losing a part of myself. I am concerned that we are to this point where only one of us can be happy-- either she loses him and is miserable, or she has him and I am miserable.

 

[Indigomontoya]

The best advice I can give you, since I have been through it, is that you need to set hard guidelines of your needs from this poly relationship; that is, what restrictions will make you comfortable enough that you are not hurting? It's on your wife (and subsequently the boyfriend) to allow you time to adjust. If she's not willing to see it from your perspective, and just plows ahead in her relationship, you need to reevaluate his respect for you, because if that's the case, you and your feelings don't mean much to her.

All that being said, it's also about if it's something you want. Do you want to be with her if she has a boyfriend? Can you handle the work that will be required? You need to realize that some of the work has to come from you.

I had to work on my jealousy and insecurities, too. I had to ask the questions I put to you, because I went through the hurt, anxiety, jealousy, comparisons and pain, too. But I made the decision that I loved TP enough that the work was worth it.

 

[Monoconfused]

She is not being wholly unfeeling, and neither is he. They have both said that my feelings are important. But that is never at the cost of their relationship. I think she is worth all the effort in the world. She is the love of my life. I want her to be happy, but I honestly wonder if I can be happy in this situation.

 

[Monoconfused]

In fact, she has spent many many hours trying to make this okay for me. She is the one who suggested this site to me for support.

I am just not sure if I am able to handle it.

 

[TruckerPete]

But that is never at the cost of their relationship.

It should be give on all sides. You, her, him. I hope they're giving to you as you are to them.

 

[Carma]

I'm pretty new to this too, only about 3 months into practicing polyamory. What I've read here is that it is tough at the beginning, but it does get better. Polyamory is such a new idea when you have been immersed in monogamous ideals. It's scary, it sounds crazy, and you are always second-guessing. (I know my husband is.) The idea of compersion is the most beautiful thing I have found here.

When you love someone, it's always worth a try to explore new ways of loving.

Congratulations for your willingness to keep an open mind and heart. Love is worth it!

 

[Indigomontoya]

But that is never at the cost of their relationship.

I agree with TP on this point. This alone would give me pause. It sounds like she is placing you secondary to her boyfriend, and that is wrong.

She's trying to balance a developing relationship at the cost of an existing one. You say they are not being wholly unfeeling, but they are. She is sacrificing your feelings and her existing relationship for a new one. It's all part of "new relationship energy" (NRE). She's swept up in new feelings and the fun of a new relationship, and is ignoring your needs. If it is as one-sided as it seems, then there's only hurt for you in it; if she is not willing to see that, she will need to sacrifice some of her new relationship for you. And that's not going to end well.

I mentioned before that when TP started dating Mr. A we set fairly strict rules for her time spent together; this was to prevent a situation like you have, because TP would have disappeared in a NRE puff without them, and I'd have been left hurt and alone.

One concept that TP and I embraced at the start of her relationship with Mr. A was "Fair but not equal," essentially acknowledging that I had been here, had put the effort into the relationship, and because I was the one being asked to adjust and be okay with the new relationship, I had a more important role and feelings to consider. But Mr A also had the right (for lack of a better term) to be treated fairly in this relationship.

 

[redevil]

As the wife in this situation, I want to share a few more details. I spend my days and nights trying to make this okay, to help him find a way to cope with the situation, because this was my decision. While I have been open and honest about the situation, I am the one who asked him to accept this, and I think it is my responsibility to help make it okay for him. The boyfriend in this has also made that commitment.

The biggest issue we have right now is that all three of us are in separate countries with different time zones. He has not asked anything of us, however, I have set up times in my day that are reserved for him and him alone. I do not answer the phone, have people over, or talk to others online, and I try to make sure that our four children are occupied during this time, so that it is about us and us alone. He thinks that I am able to spend more time with the boyfriend because of his time zone and his job, so I have tried to limit that, and make the time that we (hubby and I) do have together as much about quality as I can.

My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between the boyfriend and me. He's not willing to let it go, for even a day, so that we can talk about just us. Nothing, and I mean nothing, I say or do can distract him from this topic, and it's painful.

 

[TruckerPete]

One concept that TP and I embraced at the start of her relationship with Mr. A was "Fair but not equal." essentially acknowledging that I had been here, had put the effort into the relationship and because I was the one being asked to adjust and be ok with the new relationship I had a more important role and feelings to consider. But that also meant that Mr A had the right to be treated fairly in this relationship.

Yes, fair but not equal was something I struggled with as I tried to avoid the trap of not treating my new partner, Mr. A, as a person, and assuming he'd just be fine with every rule and guideline Indigo set at the beginning.

The way it worked for us was: Indigo would set a guideline. If I could see any immediate unfairness to it, we would discuss it. For example, once he stated that if I wanted to go out with friends, that time should come out of my time with Mr. A. I thought this was unfair, because me seeing other friends had nothing to do with my relationship with Mr. A, and any time spent with other friends should come out of both of their time. Indigo agreed with me after I explained my point of view.

After the guideline/rule was deemed acceptable to both of us, I would then bring it to Mr. A and ask for his input. I would bring back any concerns/desired changes to Indigo.

This would be repeated until everyone was happy with, or could at least live with, whatever was being discussed.

This process was exhausting, but completely necessary and well worth the effort.

Ideally, the best compromises will push your comfort level a bit so that you can grow, and cause your partner to be more aware of the process you have to go through.

 

[Monoconfused]

My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between the boyfriend and me. He's not willing to let it go for even a day so that we can talk about just us. Nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic. It's painful.

This is my frustration too. I never stop thinking about it! It consumes me. I don't like that she wants someone else. I am making her miserable because I can't let it alone. It's always there staring me in the face.

 

[TruckerPete]

I spend my days and nights trying to make this ok, to help him find a way to cope with the situation because this was my decision. I am the one who asked him to accept this. I feel that it is my responsibility to help make it ok for him. The boyfriend has also made that commitment.

The biggest issue that we have right now is that all three of us are in separate countries with different time zones. He has not asked anything of us. However, I have set up times in my day that are reserved for him and him alone. I do not answer the phone, have people over, talk to others online. I try to make sure that our children are occupied during this time, so that it is about us alone. He thinks that I am able to spend more time with the boyfriend because of his time zone and his job, so I have tried to limit that, and make the time that hubby and I have together as much about quality as I can. My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between the boyfriend and me. He's not willing to let it go for even a day so that we can talk about just us. Nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic...

You're only two weeks in. It will be exhausting. It's easy to see the pressure put on your husband to change, but people often forget that the hinge (i.e., you) in a V can become quite stressed from the constant back and forth that should be happening while you all negotiate boundaries.

Perhaps you can set aside time to be designated as time to discuss your bf with your hub, and that way he can talk, get his feelings out, and then you can have the rest of your available time to talk about you two and things that don't pertain to polyamory. It's hard not to get wrapped up in talking all poly, all the time.

 

[Carma]

My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between the boyfriend and me. He's not willing to let it go so that we can talk about just us. Nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic...

We talk about polyamory almost all the time. It does get exhausting! It's just that it's new and we are both still pretty flipped out.

Sometimes I have to say, "Let's just be in the present. In this moment, we are here together and I love you."

Also, I've never been big on movies, but we've been escaping together watching movies lately. Temporary reprieve, anyway.

Hang in there!

 

[Carma]

TP, I guess we're on the same wavelength tonight!

 

[Monoconfused]

TP, I guess I was misleading. We are almost 2 months into this. 2 weeks was how long it took before the relationship became a need for her. That was back in Dec. I guess the issue we run into now is that I don't like what's going on. Maybe I don't want to accept it, although I am trying because I can't just let it go. I can't not have her happy. Her happiness is worth my sacrifice, but I feel like I am falling apart. I want to make this right, but I don't know if I can without crushing myself in the process.

 

[Indigomontoya]

Thanks for the extra information, Redevil. I think you are doing the right thing setting time aside for your husband to the exclusion of all others. From experience this goes a long way. I had to deal with similar issues. I also agree with your thinking it's your responsibility to work to make sure he's ok, within reason, since he must express his feelings.

I realized that the reason I wanted to talk about it obsessively was because there were feelings and concerns I wasn't fully expressing, or I thought TP wasn't fully understanding. But I did make a conscious effort to just be with her and enjoy my time with her.

Perhaps you two need to do that: just force yourselves to ignore the issues, so you get quality time without the stress of talking things out, and set aside time to discuss. Keep things compartmentalized until things settle.

I can speak firsthand to your husband's feelings, since I thought I might not be able to handle polyamory without completely sacrificing my happiness. But all I can say is push through. You're only a little way in. There's a long road ahead, but work at it, and it can be rewarding.

 

[redevil]

As Monoconfused said before, I grew up in a polyamorous family. I know what it takes to make it work and have seen just how great it can be. When my mom passed away, my dad and her boyfriend were together, and for months they got each other through the grief. In fact, when all this came to a head, it was them that we turned to for advice.

Our biggest obstacle right now, which I think is getting missed in all this is, that we are not in the same country. None of us are. We have 3 time zones, 3 countries and 3 continents to deal with, and it will be like that for possibly a year. The 3 of us talk regularly via conference chats and the boys talk regularly, as well. We have spent many an hour hashing things out and bouncing things off of each other. We even spoke this evening, because of this thread.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way. It's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does, not because we don't understand them. We both do. We don't understand how he bounces around. One minute we are fine and then, 5 minutes later, we aren't.

Human nature is what it is. I came into this expecting a long road to acceptance and peace. I wasn't naive to that. But this is a two-way street. A little more involvement and a little less letting it roll over and being unhappy about it would be really appreciated.

 

[Indigomontoya]

Our biggest obstacle... we are not in the same country... it will be like that for possibly a year. The 3 of us talk regularly via conference chats... We have spent many an hour hashing things out.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way. It's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does. Not because we don't understand them, we both do. We don't understand how he bounces around. One minute we are fine, and then, 5 minutes later, we aren't... I came into this expecting a long road to acceptance and peace. I wasn't naive to that. But this is a two-way street. A little more involvement and a little less letting it roll over and being unhappy about it would be really appreciated.

I didn't miss the fact that you three are in different countries, continents, and time zones. All the advice that has been offered is sound to your situation. You can set times for communication.

To be honest, you don't need to understand why he bounces around; you must acknowledge that it matters, and address his concerns even if they seem unfounded. Explain to him why they are unfounded and be ready to accept the fact that you may not be able to convince him totally. Because the situation is dealing with deep emotions, there are bound to be some moments where emotions swing back and forth. By no right should you expect him to be fine with it all the time. It's emotion. It's neither consistent, nor is there rhyme or reason to it. But there are definitely actions or words that trigger them.

By the same token, I think Monoconfused must realize that he has to work through the separation as well as his feelings. He has a right to feel the way he does, but you also have a right to not have it all put on you.

The bf and I deal with things in the same way. It's hard for us to see things the way the hubby does. Not because we don't understand them, we both do. We don't understand how he bounces around.

From your language, you are really putting an us versus him mindset to this issue and that's truly self destructive. If you want the marriage and the relationship to work, it's not about forcing viewpoints but gaining consensus. Also, you use phrases like "He thinks that I am able to spend more time..." Are you spending more time with the boyfriend? There has to be a catalyst to this feeling. I seriously doubt that this thought would develop out of thin air.

Every relationship progresses at a different speed, but that does not mean that you need to drag MC along at the pace you set; and MC must try to move forward to allow for your relationship with bf to develop.

That being said, you need to be aware that he may need to take things at his own pace. If his feelings demand slowing things down with bf, backing off time spent to address MC's needs thoroughly, then that is what needs to be done. If you really care about the man that is your husband, and has put the time building the relationship you and he have, then you will need to sacrifice some of the relationship with the bf to help the relationship with your husband.

From the way you are speaking, you are putting this new relationship on equal footing. That can, and seems has, lead to a lot of hurt. It's a selfish act that is actively hurting MC.

If you want both relationships to flourish:

- Redevil, you need to stop the us-versus-him mentality evident in your post and work towards accommodating what MC needs in terms of the pace at which your V is taking shape; and

- MC, you need to communicate your needs honestly and succinctly, and start proactively taking steps to push past your own insecurities.

 

[redpepper]

I think you are doing great redevil. You are doing all you can do. It's really tough to deal with a partners struggles when you are in the thick of NRE. It can be a real downer. Remember this is all new to him though. Don't forget to empathize. It will be a long time before there is comfort in knowing how this all works for him. If ever. Don't lose sight of that...

Asking him to live in the moment and trying to distract him from what is going on is like asking someone to not grieve. Like asking them to suck it up and get on with life when they have lost a love one. That isn't fair. He is grieving the loss of what he knew his relationship to be and the monogamous mindset that he was expecting and assuming from what you have. Let him. Let him and deal with it.

He is dealing with his stuff and your job is to deal with his dealing with his stuff. Everyone has something to deal with when a new relationship starts. That is just how it is. It will pass in time and all will be revealed as to where the cards will land, but for now there will be a whole lot of processing and a whole lot of communicating and getting to adjust to this new dynamic.

You are doing all you can do at this point, just remember to be patient and go at his pace as much as you can.

 

[Rachelina]

I feel like I am losing a part of myself. I am concerned that we are to this point where only one of us can be happy, either she loses him and she is miserable or she has him and I am miserable.

Her happiness is worth my sacrifice but I feel like I am falling apart. I want to make this right but I don't know if I can without crushing myself in the process.

Man.....I know exactly how that feels. I can say that I have been in your position and it has gotten better. Two months is not long at all; it took many months for me to even begin to accept it. Hang in there.....

Redevil, it really sounds like he is trying as hard as he can! Such a radical change takes time to accept. If you can show him appreciation for his efforts it may help.

 

[Laylah]

this is my frustration too. I never stop thinking about this. It consumes me. I don't like that she wants someone else. I am making her miserable because I can't let it alone. Its always there staring me in the face.

we are humans... BUT there is an primal side to us to.... To me... you feel as your mate is being toyed with by another male. And what do two male animals do to protect the breeding right... they kick eachothers ass. Now im not saying human's need to do this... but the instinct is still there. Just as it is with two female animals... concerning someone trying to take their babies.
You and her are the main core to the family. if the two of you are not happy... then how in the world would it work if someone else were to come in.

if it makes you this unhappy.. it wont work.

my husband and I both sit down before we ever consider a lady in that way... and talk it out...then after we talk about it.. we bring the lady in and talk about it some more for a good long time. that way.. noone's hit with it all at once. Everybody know's where everybody stands on it all..BEFORE anything is ever done. But thats just how WE roll... everyone is diffrent.