How do you tell your partner you want to be polyamorous?

[islandgy9]

I am in a polyamorous "V" relationship with my SO and a longtime friend who became more, then even more (meaning love feelings happened). Everything was very good for the most part, except my friend has a boyfriend ("Steve") who does not know about me.

I am divorced because I was deceitful with my former wife about my desire to be in "polyamorous" relationships. I cheated. It was wrong, it was dishonest, it hurt her deeply and I truly regret not being honest. She hates me now. I have vowed to never be deceitful again.

Anyway, my girlfriend ("Chloe") does not want to tell Steve for fear of hurting him. I know it does not make sense. His former wife left him for another woman and it devastated him. I haven’t met him and blindly thought he knew about me. When Chloe and I became intimate, after a few weeks, I told her how cool it was that we all had special relationships outside of our "primary loves." That’s when she told me that Steve didn’t know that she and I were sexually intimate. He knows Chloe and I "socialize" and that she has many guy friends. Once I found out Steve didn’t know, I told her I could not be part of that deception again, and asked her to please tell him.

I’m not "holding out" (sexually), but I told Chloe that if Steve does not know, than I couldn’t be intimate (no physical contact) with her. We still socialize, and I really love being around her and her great kids, but we both ache for the physical aspect. Maybe I’m kidding myself that I’m not doing anything wrong if I’m not having sex with her...

My question is, how can I help her bring "us" up to Steve? Chloe is not a very good communicator. She just goes with the flow, and never questions things. I have a NEED to understand and be understood. I can’t stand the thought of Steve not knowing. Chloe and I don’t see eye-to-eye on this at all. Chloe said she would try and look for an opportunity to bring up the subject, but does not think she can go through with it.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[PolyNrrdGrrl]

It sounds like a concerning situation. You may be engaging in polyamorous interactions, but in my humble opinion, Chloe is not. It looks like she is simply cheating on her SO with you, and one or both of you, or all three, are going to get seriously hurt. My only advice would be for her to either "man up or man out," as my lovely girlfriend would put it.

 

[redpepper]

I am in a "V" poly relationship with my so and with a longtime friend...
Chloe does not want to tell Steve for fear of 'hurting him'... I haven’t met him and blindly thought he knew about me. When Chloe and I became intimate, after a few weeks, I told her how cool it was that we all had special relationships outside of our "primary loves". That’s when she told me that Steve didn’t know that she and I were intimate. I can’t stand the thought of Steve not knowing. She said she would try and look for an opportunity to bring up the subject, but does not think she can go through with it.

Good for you not having sex again until she tells him! Ache away my friend. It is the right thing to do, in my book. You are not kidding yourself. Take a good long hard look at your memories. That should do it. You know what cheating does. Nothing has changed. You are SOOOO right to not want to be a part of that ever again.

I know what you are talking about, and so does my bf Mono. PM him if you like. He cheated on his wife for two years and lost everything. His daughter has not talked to him since he left home. He is a great person to talk to if you want reminding that the path you are choosing to take is one of integrity and respect.

Stand tall and think with your head, not your cock. You didn't do that once, but now is your chance to do it right. No one is worth sacrificing your integrity for.

She is so wrong about this. He is going to be devastated... absolutely devastated. He has experienced this before and it will only create more lack of trust, more damage to his sense of self, and more anger and resentment towards anyone that crosses his path as a result of his lack of trust. Think of what you did to your last partner. This will be him if he finds out.

I think you need to walk away from this one. Chalk it up to lesson learned. Always meet the partner first... always! I did the same as you and almost destroyed a marriage. I learned the same lesson. I learned with it that some people lie to get what they want, and don't give a shit who it hurts. She lied to you by omission. She is lying to you and him.

Walk away.

She might be cute and sexy and fun to be around and her kids get along with your kids, and blah blah blah... But if you take your eyes off of her and look elsewhere, you will find straight-up women that don't lie, are not cheating, and who are just as hot and great to be around, who make you feel like you are on top of the world. Why? because it is all real and honest.

If you want more convincing, I suggest you do a tag search for "cheating" here. On those nights when you can hardly stand it to not text her, read those threads! Cheating seems like an addiction for some people. It'd like, it's so damned easy to fall back into it, for some reason. Familiarity maybe? I dunno. There should be AA for cheating addicts. Cheaters Anonymous.

 

[IndieSolo]

How can I help her bring "us" up to Steve? Chloe is not a very good communicator. I can’t stand the thought of Steve not knowing. She said she would try and look for an opportunity to bring up the subject, but does not think she can go through with it.

The only way you can "help her" get honest is to stand your ground and refuse to be involved with her until she does. This is something she has to come clean with Steve about, because she has a responsibility to her relationship. You can't hold her hand and live her life for her.

However, think about this: is she really someone you want to be in relationship with? You obviously want to operate in an ethical way; she does not think that is all that important. You are taking a mature, responsible, and proactive stance; she seems immature and says she will bring it up if she thinks the time is right. I would bet it will never seem right to her. She may say doesn't want to hurt Steve, and perhaps that is true, but maybe she is protecting herself more than anyone else. Maybe if she told him, she knows there will be consequences she does not want. He might put the kibosh on the whole thing, leave her, tell her she can't continue, whatever. So, who is she really afraid of hurting?

I know you say that "love feelings" happened between the two of you, just a few weeks after becoming physically intimate. Hmm, is it love, lust, or NRE? It sounds like it's primarily sexual. Nothing wrong with that, but do you know her well enough to really love her? She already led you to believe that Steve knew, and then you find out that she is deceiving him and is reluctant to get real about it.

You want to do the right thing; do you really want to be involved with someone who doesn't consider that as important as you do? I would tread carefully here, and start looking at her under a harsher, brighter light.

What does your SO say about Chloe and the whole situation?

 

[Tonberry]

How long has she refused to tell him? If it's been a while, I'm not sure if I would trust her. I think I would break up, not only sexually but romantically, and see her less. She obviously doesn't care much about being honest. And Steve needs it even more so, due to his past history!
I would suggest you get out of there before it explodes and you end up taking some of the blame.

 

[IndieSolo]

.... but if you take your eyes off of her and look elsewhere, you will find straight-up women that don't lie, are not cheating and who are just as hot, and great to be around, who make you feel like you are on top of the world. Why? because it is all real and honest.

Hell, yeah!

 

[islandgy9]

Thoughts

I appreciate your thoughts, advice and concerns. Thank you pollynrrdgrrl, Redpepper, NYCindie, and Tonberry. Your compassion and willingness to help all of us struggling newbies is truly remarkable. Thank you for being straightforward.

Over the last year, since I stumbled onto this incredible community, I know you all have helped me survive when it felt like my guts were being twisted in knots, and everything I thought about love and relationships was being challenged. You all have lovingly helped me realize there is a different way of being, different and challenging, but it may just be that all of my cultural influences are finally being challenged in a way that is more to my nature, not my nurture. I thank you for that.

As far as your concerns about Chloe, I acknowledge them, and she may not change. However, I want her to be happy and plan to do everything I can to help her realize there is a better way of going, in being true to herself and the people she cares about.

I was asked how my SO, Mindi, feels about this. When we found out that Steve didn't know, it was a big red flag for her, as well. She feels, as I do, that it's not fair at all for Steve. If I left Chloe, I don't think that she would change her ways. If I stay in the relationship, I may be able to show her a different path.

I don't know Steve, but nobody should have to endure the kind of pain cheating and deception causes. I know Chloe cares for him and does not want to lose him, but issues in her past have lead her to "protect" herself. I'm trying to show her a different way of being that ultimately may give her what she needs in her life to be complete. To share herself with more than one person openly and honestly, that's the only way to be truly accepted as she is. I'm trying to show her that being honest and open, to disclose her need to share her life, will open the possibility for the acceptance she so desires. I don't think she will find this on her own, and Steve won't have a chance in hell to have the relationship he thinks he has.

That's why I'm asking for advice on how to help Chloe see a different way of being.