I'm Afraid My Fiance Is Thinking Of Leaving Me

MrFarFromRight, your post was kinda harsh, but I can see how you would be confused and concerned by my posts, nearly all of which of occurred during intense periods of unhappiness.

Heath and I dated for several years in high school, broke up, and then got back together a number of years later. We've been together for three years. We are young, but not that young. We were together a year before becoming engaged.

If our relationship had been rock solid with Lucy, I would likely have stood up to the family and taken the consequences. But it wasn't. Far from it. I was looking at trading a huge number of relationships with different people for this one, which barely worked, if you can even call it that. I wanted it to work. I resisted the advice of friends who nay-sayed, and it just didn't work.

I loved and still love Lucy. Yet this relationship, especially in retrospect, was bad. I actually made a very valiant effort in the face of much doubt and misery, and it was still bad. I could not successfully make her part of my relationship with Heath.

I don't know if I'm polyamorous. I'm okay with my romantic life being slightly blurry around the edges, and the same goes for Heath. I am bisexual. But I would never do this like this again.

I was going to avoid talking to Heath about my feelings, because he is sad, but now I'm think I should anyway.

As for me and my stuff with the wedding, I have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy, maybe because I've spent so much time ill and dreaming vividly of nicer things. The stuff with the wedding was exacerbated by the triad, though.

I felt alienated by the relationship with Lucy, and unhappy. I would withdraw into the distraction of planning. Heath would be playing with Lucy and keeping her happy, without keeping promises to me about getting stuff done. I would get upset at his being a flake. He would withdraw because I was upset that he wasn't helping, and that I was in my own head planning, and not listening to him enough. With Lucy, there was something to escape to. Things need not have been dealt with, with the wedding, for him.
 
Well, koifish, you know you weren't happy and were using fantasy as a retreat from your unhappiness, the unworkableness of the relationship, and his shitty, inconsiderate treatment of you.

So, what are you going to do? Get married anyway? I hate to break it to ya, but the fantasies you may have of that fixing everything, or turning the crap into something wonderful, will almost certainly never come true.
 
I think I see what you mean by how you loved Lucy, but it just wasn't working. I know I had a hard time letting go, even though there were all these problems, because I just wanted so badly to make it work. It's amazing what humans will put themselves through in order to try and "make it work."

I agree with those who have remarked that some of these issues would be best worked out before the wedding. I've never been married, so I have no personal experience to base this on. I bet it would be terrifying, but it seems like there might be some things to consider.
 
koifish said:
Kinda harsh...
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I didn't mean to be harsh, and there are others saying (without my long-windedness) what I'm saying.
koifish said:
I was going to avoid talking to him about my feelings, because he is sad, but now I'm thinking I should anyway.
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I'm glad to see that you've changed your mind on this! May I suggest you search the term "non-violent communication" (also under "NVC")? Please don't think that I'm accusing you of violent communication! I just want your talks to have the best chance of success. And if he's sad (or angry) now, a little extra care about wording on your part could make a lot of difference.
koifish said:
As for me and my stuff with the wedding. I have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy, maybe because I've spent so much time ill and dreaming vividly of nicer things. The stuff with the wedding was exacerbated by the triad, though.

I felt alienated by the relationship, and unhappy, and would withdraw into the distraction of planning. Heath would be playing with Lucy, and keeping her happy, without keeping promises to me about getting stuff done. I would get upset at his being a flake. He said that I was in my own head, planning and not listening to him enough. With Lucy, there was something to escape to.
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You're confirming some of my earlier fears here: You write that he "would withdraw because I was upset that he wasn't helping" [with the planning for the wedding] and that you "have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy [...] I felt alienated by the relationship... and would withdraw into the distraction of planning."

It seems that both are forms of escaping. Consider the possibility that you were escaping from dealing with the problems of your relationship (some of which, but perhaps not all, had to do with Lucy) into the fantasy world of weddings, being a bride [you wrote that he preferred a much simpler wedding with just a few friends], and "happily ever after," while he was escaping from the idea of the wedding, and perhaps even of marriage, into the fantasy world of his NRE with her.

If he has doubts about getting married, or about getting married according to your conditions ("But I would never do this like this again." What if that's what he wants?) then you really are better off postponing the wedding until you clear this all up.

You mentioned several times on that other thread your concerns about finances: that you couldn't afford to do this without his parent's financial support, that friends who had already bought plane tickets might decide to back out if they knew that you were poly...

Do you know how much a divorce can cost?

Getting married as a way of saving a relationship is about as crazy as having a child to save a relationship (though not as disastrous... because there's not a child to suffer as well). If he's reluctant about getting married, you need to decide if the dream is heading towards nightmare.
 
The following got moved by Neonkaos to a new thread about formatting. I've removed the "highjacking" portion and repost here, as what's left has to do with this thread (and possibly influenced koifish in her response to me [now a few comments back]) In it, I'm only agreeing with 2 other comments... but agreement is part of a conversation:
NeonKaos said:
However, what you need to do is make decisions that are RIGHT for YOURSELF, and don't get married or decide not to get married because of other people's opinions or your families' expectations. So far, it sounds like your crises stem from "what will everyone THINK if I do this or that?"

You have to decide what's right for YOU, and start putting yourself first in your life.
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Too true!
Penny said:
Koifish, the closer it gets to the wedding date, the more disastrous and havoc-wrecking cancelling it will be. The pooch is already screwed here. Now does not seem a good time to get married.

At this point, the wedding seems more about the event than the relationship, which ain't good.

Why do you want to get married now? I think this is a really important question.
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100% in agreement. koifish: Pay special attention to the middle paragraph!
 
Thanks for the sage words, everyone.

We had actually gotten to a point prior to the breakup where we were both okay with how the wedding was. At least, I think we had. We made it much smaller and pretty inexpensive. Heath has a tendency to not say what's bothering him, and rather to expect that, I guess. When he finally admitted what was bothering him and why, and I made a concerted effort to put his feelings ahead of any plans, we started to make progress.

He is still acting angry. He won't say anything except he's having a hard time, but he glares at me at work whenever we pass by. I'm wondering if he generally feels like he must bottle things up right now, because he's feeling ambivalent, to say the least, about the wedding. I'm thinking I should tell him that if he is not comfortable with the wedding, and the marriage itself, right now, that we can put it off.

I know I've been guilty of putting the process of marriage and the process of various projects ahead of his feelings. Don't throw things at me! That's how I was raised-- stuff ahead of people. Appearances ahead of people. I'm learning rapidly how not to do this, and it's a very good thing.

I would give up the whole wedding shebang in a heart beat just to be close to him and happy with him again.

I'm going to look up the NVC, MrFarFromRight. I was joshing you a little about being harsh. I know you are trying to help.
 
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nycindie said:
koifish, you know you weren't happy and were using fantasy as a retreat from your unhappiness, the unworkableness of the relationship, and his shitty, inconsiderate treatment of you. So, what are you going to do? Get married anyway? I hate to break it to ya, but the fantasies you may have of that fixing everything, or turning the crap into something wonderful, will almost certainly never come true.
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Thanks for the wake up call, NYCindie, and everyone else on this board. I appreciate it so much. It's actually made a big difference to me.
 
On the other hand, keep in mind we are strangers and we can't make decisions for you. You have to be able to trust yourself, only you know what is true and relevant.
 
Well, we talked. More talking, less glaring, which is good. I offered up the wedding postponement and he didn't snap it up, so maybe a desire to get married as planned is still rolling around in his noggin.

We talked about a lot of things that he was specifically angry about, which is lot better than unverbalized undifferentiated anger.

I think it was good.
 
koifish said:
I offered up the wedding postponement and he didn't snap it up, so maybe a desire to get married as planned is still rolling around in his noggin.
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Is that enough for you? Was your goal in talking to him to make sure the wedding takes place, or to make sure he gives you the respect you deserve?
 
koifish said:
Well, we talked. More talking, less glaring, which is good. I offered up the wedding postponement and he didn't snap it up, so maybe a desire to get married as planned is still rolling around in his noggin.

We talked about a lot of things that he was specifically angry about, which is lot better than unverbalized undifferentiated anger.

I think it was good.
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I hope you can find more time to talk and that you feel comfortable expressing your needs and feelings in a direct but loving way.
 
Hmm... IMO, a wedding should be symbolic of a strong commitment already existing. A strong commitment shouldn't be created based on the existence of a wedding.
 
I guess that didn't come across quite right. What I meant is that I have sincerely disinvested from the wedding. I want to let the wedding go for right now if it means building a stronger bond with him. I wanted to take pressure off him about the wedding and also show him that I was definitely no longer putting the process of getting married ahead of him.

I was really surprised because despite all his anger, he seemed more unwilling to call off the wedding than I was.
 
He is persistently angry, and it is directed at me. There is stuff that has troubled our relationship in the past, and he won't believe when I say I've learned or changed (I have), and won't have enough faith to test out whether I have learned of changed.

He traps me with verbal tricks. When he thinks I should know a piece of information and I don't, he refuses to share with me. He asks if I remember a vague something earlier in the conversation. When I don't know what he's talking about, he accuses me of not listening "like always." He says that I subconsciously forget things in order to gain advantage in an argument (absurd).

His anger towards me seems to surround the idea that I supposedly hold him entirely responsible for my unhappiness in our threesome. I told him that I should have defended my own happiness better, but that he allowed a distance where he did not see the degree of my unhappiness very clearly. This angers him. He will admit to a small and defiantly unspecified responsibility in the matter, but any attempt on my part to assign him any responsibility for my negative experience gets conflated with "blaming him for everything."

He says my shortcomings with our relationship were the same before and during the threesome. My insistence that my behavior that helped create distance between us during the threesome was actually directly related to the circumstances of the threesome only elicits anger and disbelief. I keep insisting that I had trouble being close to him and them in large part because I was stressed and unhappy, and we spent a great deal of time with Lucy. This is met with scorn and disbelief.

He flung a plate against the wall and it shattered. He slammed a door.

What you think?

He reconfirmed tonight that he loves me and wants to be with me.

I made an appointment with a therapist for next week. I'm going. I hope he'll come with me.
 
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Have you thought about a temporary split to give you both some breathing room? Dealing with getting married, breaking up, and coming out all at the same time really isn't bringing out Heath's best.
 
I was thinking more in terms of physically splitting into two separate apartments than terminating the relationship.
 
koifish said:
He flung a plate against the wall. He slammed a door. What you think?
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I think adding a third person to the mix of a troubled relationship isn't going to be good for anything. I think getting married when the relationship is obviously not solid isn't going to be good for anything other than a quickie divorce. Until each of you has a better grasp on your own shit to where you can figure out how to play nicely with each other, there's not much good to come of anything.
 
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