KT's Blog

[NeonKaos]

KT, i think you should figure out something you've always wanted to try and go do it. Whether it's a one-time thing like skydiving, or something that requires commitment and focus, such as roller derby, or taking a course in a new language, or whatever it is, that's a place to start. But also get yourself evaluated for ADD and depression like they said. None of these things can make anything worse (unless both of your parachiutes don't open).

 

[KatTails]

Try doing a google search for "words of affirmation" or "positive thoughts". Then see if you can sign up for something that will email you DAILY words of affirmation.
THEN start writing them down and put it in your pocket each morning and every hour or so, take it out, read it and consider what it means.

LR - Great idea! I signed up this morning! Thank you.

However, in any case, starting off with every day sounds like a good plan to me. I would probably suggest trying to come up with your own though. I think it probably means more if you come up with something you like about yourself than if you read something pre-made and don't necessarily believe it to be the truth. I think saying nice things you feel don't represent yourself might even make yourself feel worse in comparison, if that makes sense?

I know a lot of people with a poor self image or self-esteem don't feel better when they get compliments specifically because they don't believe them. So I think starting up with things you know are good about you, as little or unimportant as they may seem, might be a good plan of action.

So you should probably see for yourself what helps you most

Thanks Tonberry! I am one of those people who don't believe compliments - I always think the person is just being kind but deep down I know they don't mean it. So I do struggle with positive affirmations - BUT I am willing to do whatever I can to feel better about myself and my life - so I'm giving it a chance and approaching it with an open mind.

Yesterday SNeacail suggested I write down a list of what I contribute to my family and things I'm good at. I haven't done it yet - but I'm going to try to write down at least 3 things today.

KT, i think you should figure out something you've always wanted to try and go do it. Whether it's a one-time thing like skydiving, or something that requires commitment and focus, such as roller derby, or taking a course in a new language, or whatever it is, that's a place to start. But also get yourself evaluated for ADD and depression like they said. None of these things can make anything worse (unless both of your parachiutes don't open).

Lol!! Actually - I have always wanted to go skydiving - but I'm over the weight limit to do so. Once I (hopefully) get on medication I'm hoping that I'll be able to control my emotional eating and lose weight. Once I do - off to skydiving I go!

I've been thinking about taking a class - maybe cooking, math (I LOVE math!), - I'll have to look up and see what our community college offers. I don't have anything I'm passionate about nor do I have any hobbies. But you're right - I need something for myself. I took a few glass classes last year, which I loved, but they are REALLY expensive. Now that I think about it - I still have one more glass class to take that I pre-paid for. Off to pick a class . . .

Thanks!

 

[NeonKaos]

College courses for credit can be very expensive, i know. Consider "auditing" a course, sometimes that is cheaper. You probably have some of those "adult education" centers in your metro area that offer recreational courses, such as the Cambridge Adult Education Center around here. They have cooking "classes" that are actually more like social events, where you learn a certain style/aspect of cooking, then you sit and eat the meal with the other folks and the instructor(s). You probably heard of already what I'm talking about. My point is, these are not as expensive as college courses for credit.

I remember when I was having some mental-health disabilities about 14 years ago, and when I finally started to recover, I was only able to do one thing per day, whether that was an errand, an appointment, something around the house, etc. But it was a lot of progress from not being able to do ANYthing for months at a time! So, start with something small, and do a really good job at it, and only share your success and good news with people you know will be genuinely happy for you, even if that is only your kids or your parents right now. Actually, if you do something I will be genuinely happy for you, and I don't even know you, so I wouldn't be saying it just to make you feel good.

 

[Carma]

One thing that has helped me immensely in my own life is the Al-anon program, for friends and families of alcoholics. (Surely we all know SOMEONE in our life whose drinking concerns us -- nearly everyone "qualifies" -- but it doesn't matter, it's about someone else's behavior bothering us). What the program has helped me to do is focus on myself, instead of someone else's behavior. The love and support I have gotten there have been every bit as beneficial to me as the professional counselors I have seen.

The meetings are great, only last an hour and you put $1 donation in the basket (voluntary). In my community there is a meeting somewhere in the area every single day.

Might want to check it out

 

[ray]

Lately, I've been finding new books and stuff. Someone I recently found is Brene Brown. She has a video at TED.com and she's also published a few books. She's a researcher/storyteller.

She's a shame researcher. Which sounds odd I know. I think she has a lot to say in the area of accepting yourself and others. Maybe it will strike a chord with you.

 

[KatTails]

They have cooking "classes" that are actually more like social events, where you learn a certain style/aspect of cooking, then you sit and eat the meal with the other folks and the instructor(s). You probably heard of already what I'm talking about. My point is, these are not as expensive as college courses for credit.

That sounds like fun!!! I'll look into that.

I remember when I was having some mental-health disabilities about 14 years ago, and when I finally started to recover, I was only able to do one thing per day, whether that was an errand, an appointment, something around the house, etc. But it was a lot of progress from not being able to do ANYthing for months at a time!

That's how I feel. I get up, try to survive during the day (luckily I have an easy job so that helps), try being a good Mom: helping with homework, cooking dinner, packing lunches etc., then I can't wait to get back into bed. I'm not living - I'm surviving and not doing that well. I saw a picture the other day that said - "Things to do today: 1. Get up 2. Survive 3. Go back to bed" That is me. That is what I do every day. It sucks.

So, start with something small, and do a really good job at it, and only share your success and good news with people you know will be genuinely happy for you, even if that is only your kids or your parents right now. Actually, if you do something I will be genuinely happy for you, and I don't even know you, so I wouldn't be saying it just to make you feel good.

Haha - thanks!

One thing that has helped me immensely in my own life is the Al-anon program, for friends and families of alcoholics. (Surely we all know SOMEONE in our life whose drinking concerns us -- nearly everyone "qualifies" -- but it doesn't matter, it's about someone else's behavior bothering us). What the program has helped me to do is focus on myself, instead of someone else's behavior. The love and support I have gotten there have been every bit as beneficial to me as the professional counselors I have seen.

The meetings are great, only last an hour and you put $1 donation in the basket (voluntary). In my community there is a meeting somewhere in the area every single day.

Might want to check it out

Thank you Carma. Many years ago I went to an Al-anon meeting because of a family members alcoholism. I never went back. I was uncomfortable, I didn't feel like I belonged there - but I was young (22) and emotionally upset over the situation. I wasn't able to cope with what was happening.

Maybe it's time to try again. Though the family member has been sober ever since they are still an alcoholic in their behavior and personality. Thanks - that was something I hadn't thought of.

That's why I love this forum!! . I was going to leave again once MG started her blog (too painful - but I have succeeded in not letting my curiosity get the best me, as I know no good would come of it.) but I'm glad I've stayed. You guys are invaluable!!

Lately, I've been finding new books and stuff. Someone I recently found is Brene Brown. She has a video at TED.com and she's also published a few books. She's a researcher/storyteller.

She's a shame researcher. Which sounds odd I know. I think she has a lot to say in the area of accepting yourself and others. Maybe it will strike a chord with you.

I LOVE her! I've only seen one of her videos on TED.com - about vulnerability - but I loved her humor and her presentation style. I've watched the video about 5 times and suggested it to a friend. I've been meaning to find more things by her. Thanks for the reminder!

 

[LovingRadiance]

math (I LOVE math!)

Woman, I have a whole shitload of math to struggle through frustratedly! Now I know who to call when I'm bawling my eyes out over it AGAIN! Seriously-I've posted on facebook in TEARS several times in the last few weeks over this stupid math!

As for the list, I thought of one for you.

One of the gifts you have is devotion.

We tend to minimize that, but seriously, you have no clue how many people lack devotion to their families.

That's a huge thing-so remind yourself that it's a GOOD TRAIT and YOU ALREADY HAVE IT.

side note-I was significantly over weight, I hurt so bad, my knees, my hips, my back.
I started with just walking to the end of the block and back each day.

If you have an mp3 player, load "The Seven Levels of Intimacy-Matthew Kelly" and "Loving What Is-Byron Katie". Then, walk to the end of your block and back (further if you feel like it-I increased over a 3 year time to 10 miles!). Listen to those audio books while you walk. Those two books are miraculous. I love to read myself, but that doesn't promote activity-audio books do (and they're much cheaper). both of those are available on audiobook-I know because I have them. I've read them AND listened to the audiobook because they really are just that helpful.

 

[SNeacail]

If you have an mp3 player, load "The Seven Levels of Intimacy-Matthew Kelly" and "Loving What Is-Byron Katie". Then, walk to the end of your block and back (further if you feel like it-I increased over a 3 year time to 10 miles!). Listen to those audio books while you walk. Those two books are miraculous. I love to read myself, but that doesn't promote activity-audio books do (and they're much cheaper). both of those are available on audiobook-I know because I have them. I've read them AND listened to the audiobook because they really are just that helpful.

Yes - I love audiobooks while walking!! I also use my walks to cry sometimes. Turn on the tunes and let it out, between the crying and the walking by the time you get home, you feel better.

I too am extremely overweight again and working on taking it off AGAIN. Get rid of the clothes that don't fit. Don't keep them in the closet/dresser as inspiration to loose weight, it doesn't work, all it does is depress you and gives you nothing to wear that makes you look/feel good now. If it's something you love, pack it away in a box and store it in the garage, attic, basement, whatever. Make sure you always have at least a few outfits that fit and make you look good (no matter what size you are, wearing stuff that's too big can also mess with your head) - it does wonders for how you feel about yourself.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I remember when I was having some mental-health disabilities about 14 years ago, and when I finally started to recover, I was only able to do one thing per day, whether that was an errand, an appointment, something around the house, etc. But it was a lot of progress from not being able to do ANYthing for months at a time! So, start with something small, and do a really good job at it, and only share your success and good news with people you know will be genuinely happy for you, even if that is only your kids or your parents right now. Actually, if you do something I will be genuinely happy for you, and I don't even know you, so I wouldn't be saying it just to make you feel good.

God I remember that feeling-some days it hits again with a vengeance.

The Al-Anon is a good idea too. Help keep you focused.

For your own piece of mind-why don't you block MG on here, that way you don't see any of her posts anywhere. Make it a little easier to stay your course.

 

[KatTails]

Woman, I have a whole shitload of math to struggle through frustratedly! Now I know who to call when I'm bawling my eyes out over it AGAIN!

PM me anytime! After 18 years of working in middle and high schools - I have sat through MANY Algebra, Geometry, Trig and Calc classes. What kind of Math are you taking?

As for the list, I thought of one for you. One of the gifts you have is devotion. We tend to minimize that, but seriously, you have no clue how many people lack devotion to their families. That's a huge thing-so remind yourself that it's a GOOD TRAIT and YOU ALREADY HAVE IT

Thank you for that! It's #1 on my list. I'll add 2 more tonight.

If you have an mp3 player, load "The Seven Levels of Intimacy-Matthew Kelly" and "Loving What Is-Byron Katie". Then, walk to the end of your block and back (further if you feel like it-I increased over a 3 year time to 10 miles!). Listen to those audio books while you walk. Those two books are miraculous. I love to read myself, but that doesn't promote activity-audio books do (and they're much cheaper). both of those are available on audiobook-I know because I have them. I've read them AND listened to the audiobook because they really are just that helpful.

I bought the book The Seven Levels of Intimacy but I'm only a few pages in. I'll try to get the other book you recommended on audiobook.

We live right near a beautiful park which I walk in occasionally. I'm trying to do it more often. I need to just push myself to do it.

Yes - I love audiobooks while walking!! I also use my walks to cry sometimes. Turn on the tunes and let it out, between the crying and the walking by the time you get home, you feel better.

I did that last week and actually had someone ask me if I was ok.

Good luck on your weight loss! Maybe we should keep tabs on each other for motivation? I have 75-100 pounds to lose - bit I'd be happy with losing 25-30 right now.

For your own piece of mind-why don't you block MG on here, that way you don't see any of her posts anywhere. *Make it a little easier to stay your course.

I have. I had to. This separation is hard enough without having to read about how their love affair started and how great things are between them.

 

[IndieSolo]

Good luck on your weight loss! Maybe we should keep tabs on each other for motivation? I have 75-100 pounds to lose - bit I'd be happy with losing 25-30 right now.

If you're going to motivate each other somehow, I would love to join in on that, if you wouldn't mind. I started losing weight, was down 24 lbs, but hit a plateau, then got really depressed and started eating to console myself again. I gained back 10. With my renewed efforts I'm back down to the "22 lbs. gone" mark, and have roughly 55-60 more to go.

 

[KatTails]

If you're going to motivate each other somehow, I would love to join in on that, if you wouldn't mind. I started losing weight, was down 24 lbs, but hit a plateau, then got really depressed and started eating to console myself again. I gained back 10. With my renewed efforts I'm back down to the "22 lbs. gone" mark, and have roughly 55-60 more to go.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!

I started a weight loss thread in Fireplace as a place where anyone who wants to lose weight can go for support, encouragement and motivation.

I put my weight loss goals and my excercise goal for the week on there already. Didn't get to excercise today (although it was GORGEOUS out!) - so I will start tomorrow.

I'm an emotional eater too - so I can completely empathize what you're going through!

Go check out that thread! Kat

 

[LovingRadiance]

EXCELLENT!!!

I'm so happy to see you making goals and finding each other to help with "accountability"!

It really does help.


Remember, NO SELF-PUNISHMENT!!!

Just praise, praise, praise.

If you only manage to walk up the stairs, that's still 10 steps. Count it as 10 steps, not as "no workout".
Then tomorrow, walk upstairs twice.

 

[KatTails]

I miss my husband so incredibly much! It's so hard living in the same house, knowing he's sleeping right upstairs and that I can't just go up and snuggle into his arms. Sharing a living space and not being able to reach out and touch him, or kiss him as he passes by. Not having his body pressed against me at night or his legs intertwined with mine as we sleep. Trying to come together to parent our kids - but not having family hugs, tickling/wrestling matches in our bed, family movie night. It's heart breaking.

Yesterday we had to take our son to the doctors - and not being able to reach over and hold his hand in the car was so hard.

Not hearing him say he loves me, or feeling his lips on mine, his strong arms comforting me. Not making love to him, or kissing him - is gut wrenching.

In the car yesterday, our daughter was telling a horrible joke and I looked over and saw his incredibly beautiful smile and my heart ached and my stomach twisted. When he smiles and his eyes light up - aaaaahhhhh - he's so sexy and handsome. I miss him. Terribly.

I miss us. I'm really struggling with our separation today. During the week when we are on opposite shifts, it's easier. I can harden my heart and push away the pain because he's not there as a reminder. But on the weekends - when we are home together - it's so painful.

Last weekend - I woke up Sunday morning at 5 am and had a strong desire to go up and snuggle in next to him. I needed to feel him. But I didn't because I was afraid of his reaction. I was afraid he'd reject me. And I guess I couldn't have blamed him.

That morning - I had to go up to his room to wake him up. This time I did crawl in next to him - and he pulled me into him and we held onto each other. I told him I missed him and started bawling. He said nothing - just held me and let me cry. Which was what I wanted. After about 10 minutes - embarrassed and ashamed, I got up out of his bed, went down to my bedroom, sat on the bed and just cried, uncontrollably. He came down and held me, comforted me. I didn't want to let go. I wanted to stay there, breathing him in, feeling him, loving him.

But life goes on and we had things to do. We went on that day and nothing had changed. We ran our errands with the kids, grabbed a quick lunch - but we barely talked and we didn't touch. There was no "I love you's," there was no quick kiss before he went to work, there was awkwardness and pain again. He left for work - and I cried.

I cry at least once a day - sometimes a thought, a memory, a song will just set me off. I've been able to control it around the kids. Most of the times it happens first thing in the morning (waking up alone sucks!) or when I'm at work. Visine is my best friend.

This separation is necessary - but heartbreaking.

I miss him.

 

[SNeacail]

Hugs! I remember that fear of rejection, it's hard.

 

[redpepper]

I have a really good write up on brene brown if you wish it. Its from the fb group I admin. I tried to email, but you have it shut off. Glad to see some positive moves going on for you. You can create anything you want from your life. There is only one to live, I'm glad to hear you are making the best of it.

 

[KatTails]

Hugs! I remember that fear of rejection, it's hard.

Thank you.

I have a really good write up on brene brown if you wish it. Its from the fb group I admin. I tried to email, but you have it shut off. Glad to see some positive moves going on for you. You can create anything you want from your life. There is only one to live, I'm glad to hear you are making the best of it.

I would love to see it! I PM'd you with my email address. I'm not sure why you couldn't get through. I'll check my User CP.

Thank you RP

 

[LovingRadiance]

I miss my husband so incredibly much!

Not having his body pressed against me at night or his legs intertwined with mine as we sleep. Trying to come together to parent our kids - but not having family hugs, tickling/wrestling matches in our bed, family movie night. It's heart breaking.


When he smiles and his eyes light up - aaaaahhhhh - he's so sexy and handsome. I miss him. Terribly.

I miss us.


He came down and held me, comforted me. I didn't want to let go. I wanted to stay there, breathing him in, feeling him, loving him.

There was no "I love you's," there was no quick kiss before he went to work, there was awkwardness and pain again. He left for work - and I cried.

I cry at least once a day - sometimes a thought, a memory, a song will just set me off. I've been able to control it around the kids. Most of the times it happens first thing in the morning....

This separation is necessary - but heartbreaking.

I miss him.

All of those things-I feel too.
It's so hard.

From the other side-I feel all of those things, I do all of those things. But, I'm the one whose "towing the line" and insisting that he's got to deal with his inability to control his own emotions if he's going to be with me.

It hurts-because I DO love him. He thinks (I know because he said so) that it's "easier" cause I have GG. But, GG isn't Maca. Yes, I love GG and yes he's trying to be supportive, helpful... but he's not Maca.

Yes, he can hold me, but he can't hold me the way MACA holds me. He can love me-and I love that-but he can't love me the way MACA loves me. He can't kiss me, make love to me, enshrine me in his arms the way MACA does those things.
He's just not Maca and there is NO AMOUNT OF EFFORT on his part that is EVER going to change that.

GG is great, and I would say we're soulmates. We have amazing, wonderful stories about our life together.... but, he's not Maca.

Maca is also my soulmate. My soul aches because he's missing.

My Anam Cara's...


I woke up on GG's bday (April 13th) sobbing. He held me as I cried and cried and cried. There's nothing he can do. He can't fix the hurt and he knows it.

Every day since Maca left, as I fall asleep at night, I'm emotional. Sometimes GG just sits next to me, running his fingers through my hair until I fall asleep, usually with a tear streaked face.

Every day when I awake, I'm emotional and struggling to "get myself together" before the kids get to me. Often, in tears. Many mornings I awake by 5am unable to go back to sleep because the pain is so physically overwhelming.

These things, they don't fail to exist just because I also love another-and that other loves me...

Hugs.

 

[IndieSolo]

I told him I missed him and started bawling. He said nothing - just held me and let me cry. Which was what I wanted. After about 10 minutes - embarrassed and ashamed, I got up out of his bed, went down to my bedroom, sat on the bed and just cried, uncontrollably. He came down and held me, comforted me. I didn't want to let go. I wanted to stay there, breathing him in, feeling him, loving him.

I just started bawling reading this. I empathize with what you're going through. So much! For the first couple weeks after my husband moved out, I was inconsolable. One night, I called him and said I had to see him. He came over and I told him I'd been crying all day, and couldn't stop. I actually had a job interview that day and had to turn around and come back home because I couldn't stop crying as I walked down the street. I could hear my upstairs neighbors stop in their tracks as if they were listening to me, because my sobs were so loud, from my gut. I couldn't eat, think, sleep, or do anything but sob and cry and blubber - sometimes curled up in a ball on the floor. I felt so out of control and beyond my wit's end.

He came over and held me until I stopped crying. That night I think he even stayed over again because I just couldn't be alone. The grief is still lifting for me, but I can tell you it does get better. I hope you two can work it out and be partners again.

Edit: I don't see why 2Rings can't take a break from seeing MG for a bit, and work with you to heal your marriage. It would seem the decent thing to do, no, being his primary? Or would that only stir up more trouble to ask that of him? Not being experienced in this kind of dynamic, I don't know.

 

[KatTails]

I don't see why 2Rings can't take a break from seeing MG for a bit, and work with you to heal your marriage. It would seem the decent thing to do, no, being his primary? Or would that only stir up more trouble to ask that of him? Not being experienced in this kind of dynamic, I don't know.

nycindie - a lot of people in "poly" relationships would do that. They acknowledge the importance of the "primary" relationship. However - MG has never viewed our marriage as "primary" and our marriage has not been 2rings priority since he met MG. That's why we are where we are. What I need, want or expect from my husband means nothing He would rather lose me and destroy our family than to compromise on his relationship/future with MG. I haven't and won't read her blog - but I'm sure she's made her feelings about me and our marriage clear on there. I'll let her words speak for themselves. I've said I wasn't going to use my blog to bash her - and I meant it.

So no - them taking a break so him and I can heal a 20 year relationship isn't an option. In 2rings words "why would I end a great relationship for one full of misery?" Commitment? Vows? Our children? Nope - none of those are more important than his relationship with MG.