Do anybody here LOVE jealousy?

C

curiouslez

New member
I love jealousy! Let me explain:
We all know that jealousy has nothing to do with him/her/them and everything to do with you. We are all going to deal with it no matter what; it's a normal human emotion that every single person has and there's no reason to pretend it doesn't exist. Now, the reason I love jealousy is because it's a quick and easy signal that says: Hey! Something is wrong and you need to figure out what it is and fix it. To me, jealousy will help me stay in tune with myself and help me grow as a person.

Does anybody else feel this way?
 
I think it's very interesting. I can't say I love jealousy, but I certainly love the end result after working through the cause!
 
NeonKaos said:
Jealousy is fascinating because it totally defies logic and sneaks up on you out of nowhere sometimes.
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Best way to phrase it. I woud agree with this.

As to the ops thought on jealous being a signal you aren't being true to yourself. I am not sure i agree. For me it can come up when I am sick or under lots of stress. So while I am being true to myself my environment begin to creates a situation where it thrives.

I think, if most people, used jealousy to gauge their trueness, especially in poly, there would be a lot of single people. I am not sure how well that would work for most people.
 
I don't think my word choice was the best lol
I don't LOVE it but I like what it does. Yes, I agree with everyone here lol
 
I disagree. Feelings are irrational. It's perfectly possible to feel jealousy for no reason whatsoever, just because your brain chemistry is off that day. So the fact that I sometimes feel jealousy doesn't necessarily have to indicate that there's a problem that needs working on. Except to manage the jealousy itself.
 
I am just now facing this ugly monster in the beginings of a new girl coming into our life. I am really struggling with this and doing my best to work through it. How do you all do it?
 
How do you do it?

One case at a time.. one step at a time. And expect to fall back

Everytime I think I have it beat.. I lose. Thats the irony. There is no beating it, learn to live with it and respect it. There aren't really tricks. I find for me personally

write out what it is causing it
why it is your fear it completely

then write the positives of the relationship and what makes your relationship strong and unique.

I find that usually gets rid of any problems, sometimes it helps to talk directly to the person involved, but learning how to beat your own demons with a big stick is more helpful, I can qwell most fears that way. And, I honestly, rarely feel jealousy but it springs up from time to time.
 
I rarely feel jealousy. I get envious if someone else is getting what I need and I'm not.

But-when I'm feeling those negative thoughts-I talk it through with one of my most reliable friends. Reliable in that they never let me get away with my own shit-they hold me accountable to solving my own problems.
I then figure out what it is that I'm ACTUALLY upset about (am I needing something I don't have, am I scared..) and work to solve what is actually upsetting me.

If I feel jealous or insecure about another person-I try to spend time with that person.

I.E. if I'm jealous about my lovers new girlfriend, then I try to spend time with the new girlfriend.

I find that when I build my own relationships with people, I have a much harder time holding onto any type of animosity towards them.
 
I am fascinated by and grateful for my experiences of jealousy. They have indeed provided huge opportunities for growth, and have helped me create wonderful relationships because of the insights my struggles with jealousy have given me. No pain, no gain!

So, while I'm not sure if I "love" jealousy, I do appreciate its silver lining. :)
 
I was thinking on jealousy today in terms of a partner who has loves in their lives and one of them doesn't. That love goes out into the dating world and comes upon someone they really connect with. The experience creates jealousy in the love that already has several partners (this is like my tribe in terms of me and PN, but not necessarily us at the moment... has been in the past though :eek:).

It seems hypocritical no? To be jealous, yet already have all your need met in terms of partners? Yet everyone experiences jealousy in their own way and all peoples emotions are valid. I told Leo this and he was frustrated with this whole thing, because his wife has been like that with us. She has had loves twice that have come to fruition and ended in their time, yet she is jealous of our situation (or something about it) and has been of past women he has been close to...

I guess for me, hearing other peoples experiences with it has really made me realize that my feelings are valid when I know PN is finding new love in another. It makes me feel more sane, more accepting of myself and helps me feel more that I belong and am not crazy. I get jealous, its a fact, it might not seem rational, but there is a reason and I will find it... I might need some help with that sometimes. Is jealousy ever rational though,,, if you think about it?

Jealousy is a huge one for me and almost entirely about a sense of belonging. I have huge abandonment issues that I think will likely haunt me until my dying day, but having to deal with jealousy and walking myself through it has made me have a love/hate relationship with it. If I could control when I have to go through that feeling, like if someone told me I have to go through it 3 times a year and get to pick when, that would lead me closer to... well... tolerance of jealousy. :p
 
This is a useful discussion for me right now. My Husband has recently started dating someone new. I am happy on many levels for this. It is the first time in our relationship that he has been with another woman and I am feeling some feelings. I don't know if I would call them jealousy per say, but its as good a word as any. The thing that has been hard is that he is dating a good friend of mine and she is completely new to poly. She has pulled away from me and I am mostly having feelings of loss over that. I am positive we will work it out but it is sad to me that internalized sexism allows women to choose a man over a close female relationship. I had a great talk with my boyfriend last night and he said something that really gave me a great shift in how I was feeling. (I should note that any feelings I have had have been quickly followed by excitement and love for this newness) He said if he breathes the air it does not take away air from anyone else. I have heard this type of thing in said before, the timing was perfect. There is a wonderful book called "The nibble theory and the kernel of power" by Kaleel Jamison. which talks about a candle being lit and that it only adds to the light when you use your candle to lite another, it does not take any thing away from the original candle. This is more than I had intended to write. thanks for reading.
 
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While I don't think jealousy, per se, is at all inevitable for me, I do think I might possibly experience some insecurity if my partner fell in love with someone else and they spent a great deal of time together. Especially if I didn't have another with whom to spend a similar kind of time. The insecurity would be in the form of a question -- "Is he going to stick with me?". But I'm pretty sure he would.
 
River said:
Especially if I didn't have another with whom to spend a similar kind of time.
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ooh yowch. I don't see my boyfriend as often as I would like to, but I do not think of my husband as a surrogate just because he's more accessible.
 
NeonKaos,

Nothing I said had anything at all to do with thinking or treating anyone as a "surrogate", nor was it an occasion for a "ooh yowch". What I said was that if my partner of 15 years had another boyfriend and spent a great deal of time with him, I'd have to fill some of the time that I've been spending with him, and doing so (under such circumstances) would likely go smoother for me if I also had another boyfriend.

The underlying question had to do with the distinction between jealousy, per se, and insecurity. As I said, I don't find myself particularly prone to jealousy, but that some kind of insecurity might arise. That's called being honest. It's not called waiting for the Real Mr. Right to show up whilst I treat my partner as a "surrogate" for Mr. Right.
 
Sorry river, maybe not for you, but I've seen people come on here like they're trying to keep score or fret about their partner having more luck finding dates than they do.
 
Apology accepted.

One thing I've been learning about in very recent years--which is blowing my mind--is how unique and individual so many people are. I had no idea!

Keep this in mind next time you want to say "but I've seen people come in here like...".

It's hard just with the written word to address this stuff, concisely. Just know I ain't shaking my finger at you when I say what I say above. We're all learning if we're paying attention. Ain't none of us got it all figured out.
 
I wasn't apologizing TO you, it was more of a "sorry-if-you-were-offended-but" kind of sorry, not a "i-realize-i-was-wrong-and-take-it-back" kind of sorry.

I already know that everyone is "unique and individual". In fact, we are all "so unique and individual" that we are not really that "unique" at all.

But that's getting way off-topic, ain't it?
 
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