Mono gf having problems dealing

Don't delete your stuff because of me. Obviously you don't know me all that well. While I could really do without the entire world knowing my business, it really doesn't matter to me. I will be fine, I always am. You venting doesn't bring me down, doesn't change the way I think or feel. Just makes me realize I need to change some stuff, and makes me wonder if I am really cut out for this lifestyle-- things which I always wonder about, nothing your posts have brought up.

So, keep talking. Keep on trucking. It's all gunna be fine. It doesn't matter what my friends think. It doesn't matter what my crazy mom thinks or does. I am going to do what I want, regardless of anyone thinks says or does. So you keep on getting your advice and talking to people who know what you're going thru, cuz every little thing's gunna be all right.
 
sundrop said:
So you keep on getting your advice and talking to people who know what you're going thru, cuz every little things gunna be all right.
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I am not deleting it because of you. I don't need the extra drama in my life that this has caused.

It does matter to you that that I post on here.

I know you are cut out for anything in life. I might not be real happy right now. But I know you are a strong person. Honestly, I would rather he be gone every night and him be happy than you walking away, or talking about walking away, every time I say or do something wrong. You will do whatever you want because you are a grown woman and don't need anyone or anything. But he needs you.

I will deal with my issues in my head, where it is safe from damaging anything else in my life. I know you think I am just selfish or looking for the sympathy vote, but you're wrong. I really was doing everything I could think of to help you with all of this. I'm just not like you, I guess, so it just keeps backfiring. I am sorry. I really want the two of you to be happy, so I will shut up and back off. Have a good day.
 
LHLH,

This forum can be a real resource and help to you. Obviously there are many inequities and issues going on, and you are not getting the attention and acknowledgment you need from your husband. It doesn't seem like your living arrangement is fair for everyone in a lot of ways (e.g., you need to work more to support the household, yet she only supports herself?), and you have been under a great deal of stress.

There is nothing wrong with Meg (Sundrop?) backing off to give you and Harlan time to reconnect. You are his primary, correct? And yet she has him five nights a week? That just doesn't make any sense to me. In fact, if I were you, I'd say that without more time with your husband, your quad can't really function very well at all. You need more stability and health in your primary relationship if polyamory is going to work for any of you.

You don't need to delete your profile or stop posting. One thing you can do is contact members via PM to have private discussions. If there is a member whose feedback and posts you like, click on their username and you will see an option to "Send Private Message" if they have allowed for that in their User Controls. If you delete your account, you can't do that.

Don't go. :)
 
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I really was ok with the 5 nights a week thing. I was really in a good place till last night. Sundrop is her own person. I don't expect her to help take care of my family. She already has brought groceries over and has fixed a couple amazing dinners. She is really a great person. I just don't know how to help her deal with all of this. I thought I was helping, but it seems as though I keep making things worse. I started going to a poly-friendly counselor to help me and I thought I was doing better. Now... I just don't know.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
I really was okay with the 5 nights a week thing. I was really in a good place till last night. Sundrop is her own person. I don't expect her to help take care of my family. She already has brought groceries over and has fixed a couple amazing dinners. She is really a great person. I just don't know how to help her deal with all of this. i thought I was helping, but it seems as though I keep making things worse. I started going to a poly-friendly counselor to help me, and I thought I was doing better. Now I just don't know.
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I'm hearing you taking a lot of responsibility for other people's feelings and happiness. Not that our actions don't affect others, they do. But each of us has to own our OWN happiness or unhappiness. If she's having issues figuring things out, my thought is that it's her responsibility to go out and do some reading and asking of questions and personal soul searching, and then communicating with you all. That's NOT your job. Of course, offering suggestions, or listening when she needs to talk, is part of being in this relationship, but it's not YOUR job, nor can you make her feel better.

You seem like you're the kind of person that gives of themselves completely in order to make others feel better or get what they want. Eventually, though, you run out of what you can give. The fact that you're having crying episodes is proof of the fact that you are giving past your ability to do it "healthfully." Sometimes making sure our own needs are met and that we are getting what we need is one of the best things we can do for those around us, because only then can we truly be all there for them. It's not selfish to ask for a bit more of what you need, whatever you decide that is. Maybe being able to be natural around your hubs when she's there is needed, maybe one more night with him alone, maybe having him listen to you and accept your feelings, instead of blowing you off -- only you can decide what it is that will make the situation more equitable.
 
I think I have decided to do what everyone else does and just deal with me. I can only try so much. When I fail every time, there is no point to it any more. I will live my life and enjoy my kids and my OSO and see where Harlan and Sundrop decide they feel the most comfortable. I don't want anyone to think I come on here to get people to feel bad for me. I'm pretty sure that is what my family is thinking is happening here. When I say family, I mean Sundrop, too. I don't think she is comfortable with that, but it is how I see her. She is family to me, and was a good friend, too.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
I think I have decided to do what everyone else does and just deal with me. I can only try so much. When I fail every time, there is no point to it anymore. I will live my life and enjoy my kids and my OSO and see where Harlan and Sundrop decide they feel the most comfortable. I don't want anyone to think I come on here to get people to feel bad for me. I'm pretty sure that is what my family is thinking is happening here. When I say family, I mean Sundrop, too. I don't think she is comfortable with that, but it is how I see her. She is family to me, and was a good friend, too.
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I don't think people are feeling "bad" for you. They are giving you honest opinions about what they see going on with the benefit of experience in having been there, done that.

Of course, you can take or leave any advice. But my feeling is that if your family is having issues with you being there, then maybe they need to look at themselves first and figure out WHY it's an issue for them. Maybe they've just been doing what they want, and don't want to think that it's not working for you. Or maybe they've been too into their NRE to see how others are being affected. Or maybe because you've been "good" with everything, they had no idea there were issues. All of these things happen in mono relationships, too, unless people talk about what's going on.

But if somebody is not listening to you, and not wanting to really hear your feelings-- Whether They Do Anything Differently Or Not-- then maybe they're not ready for multiple relationships-- as having that ability (or developing it) is vital. No relationship is going to survive if one person is blowing off the other people's feelings. They don't have to understand them; they don't have to agree with them. But they do need to listen and accept them.
 
The only thing I wasn't okay with was how I felt Harlan... I don't know... felt about me? Treated me? I am okay with the time and the relationship. The thought of her walking away breaks my heart, not just for Harlan, but for me and the kids, too.

I don't think she realizes how important she is to all of us. Maybe she does. I don't know. I obviously don't know her as well as I thought.

I know I would NEVER let some random chick this far into my family if I didn't know without a shadow of a doubt that she was perfect for my hubby. My kids are 13, 8, 7 and 6. I try to protect them from getting their hearts broken too. I opened my life, my world, my everything to Sundrop, and am trying to help her get used to this life. I will always worry she isn't cut out for it. But, hell, I worry about that with myself.

I don't have people to talk to about this. People don't understand me or why I enjoy seeing my husband with someone who I feel makes him happier than I can. Not to mention if I said anything. Then it might be passed around town and blown way out of proportion.
 
A few things occur to me: it sounds like you are perhaps grieving your relationship with your husband, which has changed radically. That is not a bad thing, necessarily, but change sometimes takes time to deal with. I would try to find ways to combat depression, because it sounds like you are a little of that, as well.

Also, it looks like you and your husband really need to communicate better, and to reconnect. You feel he is not treating you as well or as respectfully as he did or should-- talk, talk, talk! But find specifics to say, otherwise he won't know what to do with it. Tell him exactly what he does or doesn't do that is hurtful to you, AND ask him not to interrupt, but to truly listen!

You mentioned seeing a therapist. Maybe he should go along with you for at least a few sessions. I also think it would be good for him to join and post his side here.

I just read your post on Sundrop's thread. I still think you are shouldering much more burden in making these relationships work than you need to. So, what was it that happened last night that opened your eyes to how Sundrop feels?
 
It was a combination of text messages and posts on here. I talked to Harlan today and he understands what I have been feeling. I know this sounds stupid, but I didn't talk to him before because I kept hoping I could deal with it on my own and I wouldn't have to bother anyone with how I was feeling. The crying for no reason all day only happens on days where I am feeling neglected, or like today, when I feel like I have messed it all up.

I would love for him to post on here, but he isn't good with sharing his feelings and isn't sure how to put them into words.

I was doing so good. I hadn't cried like this in a week or two. But as soon as I got home and started getting text messages, it was over again. All the good I thought was happening went out the window. I feel like a hamster on a wheel trying to get to that place that may not even exist for me, but trying and trying. Then someone reaches in and stops the wheel, and I go flying, head over heels and splatting on the ground, all over again.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
i know this sounds stupid, but I didn't talk to him before because I kept hoping I could deal with it on my own and I wouldn't have to bother anyone with how I was feeling.
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I get this MORE than I can explain. And it doesn't sound stupid. :)

Take care of youse...
 
lovinhimloviner said:
I know this sounds stupid, but I didn't talk to him before because I kept hoping I could deal with it on my own and I wouldn't have to bother anyone with how I was feeling.
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Very bad We must speak with our partners, no matter what kind of relationship we have, about how we are feeling. The land of guessing and assumptions is a very quick way to destroying everything that was good in your relationship. If they aren't hearing us, maybe we need to find new words. For years, I thought I was communicating very clearly certain things to my husband, but all he heard was complaining, and in turn just tuned me out. I changed my whole approach, and everything changed, and he heard me.

Start with the positive. "I feel loved when you [...]. Lately, I have felt that this is missing (or not happening as much), and I really need this from you to not feel pushed aside or neglected." This is about what makes you feel good and what you need and feel, not about what he is doing wrong.

Texting on highly emotional topics can also be a recipe for disaster.
 
sneacail said:
We must speak with our partners about how we are feeling. The land of guessing and assumptions is a very quick way to destroying everything that was good in your relationship. If they aren't hearing us, maybe we need to find new words. I thought i was communicating very clearly, but all he heard was complaining and just tuned me out. I changed my whole approach and he heard me.

Start with the positive... "I feel loved when you [...]. Lately, I have felt that this is missing. I really need this from you to not feel pushed aside or neglected." This is about what make you feel good and what you need and feel, not about what he is doing wrong.

Texting on highly emotional topics can also be a recipe for disaster.
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^^^This!
 
I just thought I'd let you know that it is highly unlikely that anyone will recognize anyone here unless they use real names and have the place they live on their profile. How many people have read here and have posted here? Most of the stories are very similar. It's a forum for the whole world.... that means it covers a large area, even if you are in your own small world where you are.

Note to those reading: it's a really good idea to check the forum guidelines before reading. If you think you might freak out and become fearful, either face that, or don't make yourself so evident.

Deleting your account will not make you disappear. Your posts will still be here. Just stop writing when you are done... then you can come back five years from now or whenever and write again, if it's a time of need, or a time when you can support others.
 
Meg and I had a good face-to-face talk last night. She really is a great person. I think we worked through what needed worked through, but we will always have things pop up that will need to be taken care of.

I will still continue to post, because I have no one else to talk to. Meg said she would just stop coming here, but I hope she keeps coming, as I truly think it would be good for her. All of this still freaks her out some. She is still getting used to the whole idea of polyamory.

I know everything will be fine. I have faith in her, even if she doesn't have much faith in herself. I feel a lot of Meg's issues right now are that everyone is talking about her in her life. Then she got on here and saw people talking about her, and what she should do, and just kinda lost it.

Harlan and I have talked too, since that was where my problems was. He is working on some things, as well. Neither one of them had anything that they felt I should work on, but I don't know if they just don't want to upset me, or if they really don't have any issues with me right now.

Thank you all for being here for me during my meltdown. Sorry I brought it here, but I had nowhere else to go.
 
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