Hey y'all big help here! I'm very new to the poly life. My husband of over 10 years came out a few months ago that he was poly. It made sense as we had a big struggle in our relationship/ marriage with his views on what is or isn't considered cheating in the typical mono lifestyle. Since coming out we've been struggling. I've been in a spot where I don't know how I fit into his life. He wants to be able to be himself not necessarily dating yet but just having the freedom to talk to others in a flirting no holding back ways. I struggle with the jealousy that comes with it. My question is how can monogamy and polyamory conicide peacefully in a marriage without either person feeling like they have to give up their true beliefs and wants.
Mono-poly marriage
- Thread starter klb223
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Ok, so I will try to say this with grace. And I won't dig into your comments about cheating vs not cheating.
Ok, I lied. I will say one thing about cheating. Cheating in polyamory is almost identical to cheating in monogamy. It's a lie. It's deceit. It's disrespect. It's stepping outside of agreements you have and breaking them. Mono marriage is an agreement.
The nuance of what's cheating, flirting, talking, etc., is still a discussion and a boundary point. I am a huge flirt. So is my wife. Even when we dated and played at mono, we always flirted incessantly with others. Flirting wasn't my version of cheating, but could be yours. Those are your boundaries to express.
So his "definition of cheating" is already likely bullshit. If he cheated (you don't say) then that trust has been violated
Ok, off my high horse. Onto the grace part. I have been poly 14 years (I always have to think about this) and non-mono for 25 or 26. I lose track. I have seen a lot of mono-poly attempts, and of all the ones I have seen or been around, it only worked once.
It required the mono person (there are no requirements for the poly person beyond honesty, ethics and transparency) to be almost completely independent and autonomous. It effectively requires them to be single while married and be extremely happy in that state. In the end, a mono person in a poly relationship is lonely. And if you don't have attachment issues normally, they will pop up. The worst of attachment styles will appear, and honestly, it's because your nervous system is telling you the truth and you don't like it, at your core.
Your nervous system is telling you your partner isn't loyal, may not stay with you, enjoys someone more than you, is sleeping with someone you don't know, etc., etc. All those demons cause your attachment style to go insane, and I might add, likely not get your needs met, since people will throw around the words "couples privilege" like toilet paper.
So, how this singular mono person survived:
- Was very very aware of his needs, and expressed them
- Was extremely conscious about his boundaries and enforced them with respect
- Enjoyed life with or without their partner, within the constraints of the needs and boundaries
- Never had those trusts violated
You don't say if he cheated, but if he did, then that last one is already crossed off, making the rest very difficult to overcome.
Best of luck. Truly.
Ok, I lied. I will say one thing about cheating. Cheating in polyamory is almost identical to cheating in monogamy. It's a lie. It's deceit. It's disrespect. It's stepping outside of agreements you have and breaking them. Mono marriage is an agreement.
The nuance of what's cheating, flirting, talking, etc., is still a discussion and a boundary point. I am a huge flirt. So is my wife. Even when we dated and played at mono, we always flirted incessantly with others. Flirting wasn't my version of cheating, but could be yours. Those are your boundaries to express.
So his "definition of cheating" is already likely bullshit. If he cheated (you don't say) then that trust has been violated
Ok, off my high horse. Onto the grace part. I have been poly 14 years (I always have to think about this) and non-mono for 25 or 26. I lose track. I have seen a lot of mono-poly attempts, and of all the ones I have seen or been around, it only worked once.
It required the mono person (there are no requirements for the poly person beyond honesty, ethics and transparency) to be almost completely independent and autonomous. It effectively requires them to be single while married and be extremely happy in that state. In the end, a mono person in a poly relationship is lonely. And if you don't have attachment issues normally, they will pop up. The worst of attachment styles will appear, and honestly, it's because your nervous system is telling you the truth and you don't like it, at your core.
Your nervous system is telling you your partner isn't loyal, may not stay with you, enjoys someone more than you, is sleeping with someone you don't know, etc., etc. All those demons cause your attachment style to go insane, and I might add, likely not get your needs met, since people will throw around the words "couples privilege" like toilet paper.
So, how this singular mono person survived:
- Was very very aware of his needs, and expressed them
- Was extremely conscious about his boundaries and enforced them with respect
- Enjoyed life with or without their partner, within the constraints of the needs and boundaries
- Never had those trusts violated
You don't say if he cheated, but if he did, then that last one is already crossed off, making the rest very difficult to overcome.
Best of luck. Truly.
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I absolutely get what you're saying. He never physically cheated. Emotionally, yes. He'd flirt with or have the hidden private messages. It has just been a bumpy road, without going into exact details, but never anything physical. The trust was broken and worked on being repaired. But I do have the attachment issues. The thoughts already of him finding someone to replace me and it hasn't even been a conversation yet about him looking to find another partner. I probably sound very ignorant but I'm trying to learn everything I can about poly for him. Can he be poly but not date? Or does that not happen? Sorry for sounding very stupid!
You don't sound stupid. At all.
Ok, so he cheated in a way that violated your marital trust. That has to be repaired before you can trust him with others. And hey you can both have different opinions on what cheating is. It won't make things easy, but you can only protect yourself with boundaries.
Can a "poly" person not date? Yes. On paper all polyamory is, is a capability of loving more than one person. There isn't anything else wrapped around that in its simplest form. So can you be capable of loving more than one person and never expressing it? Yes.
It doesn't happen often and usually only happens when folks have been dating for a while and like the peace of monogamy. (Trust me, being poly and dating ain't easy, I am simultaneously celebrating love with 2 people and breaking up with someone else, it's a mind fuck.)
My question back. Are you asking this question, or is he telling you he won't meet someone else and he just likes a good flirt?
I am asking this. I absolutely understand loving many people. To me you can love anyone or have enough love to give. Being monogamous I've always viewed love as different forms. You love your spouse/partner/person you're with in a different way than you love family, friends, whomever. But it's still love. He'd like to not be held back if at some point In time he found someone that sparked an interest that he'd like to explore more into, if that makes sense. To me, if you find friends and build friendships I'm absolutely about it. As long as it's platonic. I've always been that way in my morals. But he'd like the independence of being able to be his true form in being able to flirt with other people and not feel like it's a crime or if he finds someone compatible that it would be ok to see where it goes. And having this lifestyle dumped into my lap after many years being mono it's been a complete twist in my thoughts.
You thoughts on love are pretty standard. (Ironically I do not love my friends. Family and lovers only.)
Thank you for clarifying. So to my point above (in the larger response) you are going to figure out how to be hyper independent within the constraints and restrictions of your marital agreement with him. Otherwise you will build resentment, fears and your nervous system will just feel insane. And for the record, you won't be insane. You are just in a situation you don't want.
You have a tough path and a tough series of decisions to work through. Try reading Polysecure. It has some workbooks around building security in yourself and in your partner's activities.
This is going to be a difficult path and I can't make it sound nice. You are in a brutal spot and I am sorry. (I am Canadian, it happens.)
Thank you for clarifying. So to my point above (in the larger response) you are going to figure out how to be hyper independent within the constraints and restrictions of your marital agreement with him. Otherwise you will build resentment, fears and your nervous system will just feel insane. And for the record, you won't be insane. You are just in a situation you don't want.
You have a tough path and a tough series of decisions to work through. Try reading Polysecure. It has some workbooks around building security in yourself and in your partner's activities.
This is going to be a difficult path and I can't make it sound nice. You are in a brutal spot and I am sorry. (I am Canadian, it happens.)
I hope for your sake he is willing to put in the same kind of work. These relationships aren't one way streets. He has a tonne to do, to understand what he is in for and his obligations to existing agreements and respect, etc.
Could he "be" poly and not date? Maybe that's what he's been doing for the past decade
There's a grey zone between mono and poly. You could see if you'd see any of the following acceptable (I just made up the labels).
From the points above, do you think your husband leans more 2 or 3, emotional connection vs. sexual openness? Or would he truly choose having multiple committed relationships at a time?
What about you, can you imagine any of that being acceptable or even attractive to yourself? No other consequences involved, wouldn't it be interesting to find out how another man's touch feels?
If even the first point above is beyond what you can imagine being morally comfortable with, then no, non-monogamy is not for you. But if you can view the range of human emotion and experience as positive and welcome, nothing to be judged, you can work from there.
There's a grey zone between mono and poly. You could see if you'd see any of the following acceptable (I just made up the labels).
- Mono, but no taboo. Partners don't date, but attraction to others is "legal" and accepted as a part of their personality, the couple is free to talk about whom they find attractive, and if a crush develops, it's not a secret - it's just not acted upon.
- Intimate friendships allowed. "Emotional connection is permitted, just please don't sleep with them." Some people don't feel the emotional boundaries between friendship and romance or partnership. To them, it just makes no inner sense at all. They form close bonds with a lot of people, they have deep, intimate night-long conversations. But they are able to stay sexually faithful.
- Open relationship, kinky, sex positive etc. couple-centric arrangements. This is kind of the reverse of the previous , and what most people wrongly imagine when they first talk about poly - sexual exploration (sometimes just physical exploration minus the actual intercourse) is allowed, perhaps even feelings, but it's not expected that the "ouside" relationships ever grow on par with the primary. There are a lot of approaches to get a variety of intimate experiences without compromising the primary structure (all can fail, but work for some people). The frequency of outside connections could be limited, there are couples who mostly interact with others at events (tantric seminars, swingers parties, kink events) or who have one fwb they meet every two weeks or so.
- Only then comes non-hierarchical polyamory, which rejects the notion of having one committed relationship only.
From the points above, do you think your husband leans more 2 or 3, emotional connection vs. sexual openness? Or would he truly choose having multiple committed relationships at a time?
What about you, can you imagine any of that being acceptable or even attractive to yourself? No other consequences involved, wouldn't it be interesting to find out how another man's touch feels?
If even the first point above is beyond what you can imagine being morally comfortable with, then no, non-monogamy is not for you. But if you can view the range of human emotion and experience as positive and welcome, nothing to be judged, you can work from there.
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Hmm, yeah, ok. So he wants poly. Question remains, even if you accept this emotionally (and I do think it's possible under certain conditions), is he prepared to deal with some of its limitations?
Do you have any poly friends you could talk to in person? Or a local poly group? I always advocate for in-person exposure.
Hi and welcome. I am quoting and replying to several of your posts.
It sounds like your husband is a naturally outgoing friendly, big-hearted kind of guy. Is that right? It might be one of the things that originally attracted you to him.
My bf Aries is this kind of guy. He is full of energy and interest in others, and warm and friendly. Long before we met, in his 20s, he did end up cheating on some partners because he wasn't aware of polyamory and how it works. He just has too much love to give to limit it to one woman. He loves his platonic friends and brothers deeply too, and enjoys helping them and looking out for them. He is also highly sexual, I admit, so sex enters into this way of loving, with certain available people.
Well, you've lived with this guy a long time. How have you dealt with it up until now? It's probably been a source of conflict. Having it out in the open could be seen as a source of relief, instead of trying to sweep it under the rug. Polyamory requires openness and honesty to work.
How you fit into his life is as his wife, his anchor. He could get carried away with infatuation (aka new relationship energy, or NRE) when he does start dating, and you could feel pushed aside. It takes a certain skill on the part of the poly one to not let this happen.
The thing is, finding a new person to "replace" an older one is not a part of polyamory, since polyamory means multiple loves. You don't discard lovers you love just because you're loving someone new. If you fall out of love with someone when dating someone else, you either aren't polyamorous, or the older relationship had run its course anyway.
Sure. You can be mono and not dating too, aka single. But that sounds like a wish of yours, which won't necessarily be the reality.
And as a poly person, I love my partners in unique ways too, since they are (and have been) all unique people. I don't love one partner less just because they are different. There's an old Girl Scout song that goes "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver but the other gold." It's kind of like that. When you start dating someone new, there is no way of knowing if you'll be long-term compatible. There is much anxiety in that, even though there is excitement. Whereas old friends, or a spouse, they know you through and through and keep coming around, because they, hopefully, know and love the real you. With new people, the NRE has you wearing rose-colored glasses. And the new partner is putting their best foot forward for the first year or so. Eventually you get to see the real person, not just their "representative." Then you know if they're a keeper.
Yeah, we don't call it the "poly bomb" for nothing. But you're probably not entirely surprised, since he hasn't hidden his flirtatious manner all these years. As you said:
Please check out our Golden Nuggets section for many more resources on polyamory, books, articles, movies, a podcast, etc.
Hello klb223,
Mono/poly marriages do exist, and people do make it work. It takes a lot of compromise, communication, and most of all, love. Your husband needs to tend to your needs, and not get all caught up in some new relationship with someone else. Don't rush into anything, invest some time in learning about poly, and about mono/poly. You can do a search for mono/poly on this forum, there are lots of threads on it. In the meantime keep the communication channels open, do not try to hide your feelings.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Mono/poly marriages do exist, and people do make it work. It takes a lot of compromise, communication, and most of all, love. Your husband needs to tend to your needs, and not get all caught up in some new relationship with someone else. Don't rush into anything, invest some time in learning about poly, and about mono/poly. You can do a search for mono/poly on this forum, there are lots of threads on it. In the meantime keep the communication channels open, do not try to hide your feelings.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I've been poly-wired all my life, but I lived a mono lifestyle until I was 53. (Well, except for that one summer going into my sophomore year at college. Those was a good few months...)
Where was I?
Okay. I have personally known more monogamous people partnered to poly ones than you have. And some are in relationships where they could choose to poly-date, but they really aren't bothering to, even if they are slightly interested.
Just on this board, there have been plenty of Vs where one or both arms of the V choose not to date, and are content with the hinge. In my personal life, one of my metamours (Malachi) could date others, but chooses only to date Pixi. My bf Aries' gf's husband chooses not to date. I know Malachi is not lonely when Pixi isn't with him. He has told me so himself.
I could not disagree more with that last assertion. Mono people I have known or known about can be quite content. The time where they could be dating, they prefer to fill with other consuming and interesting activities and hobbies, and/or doing things with friends/family/chosen family. Dating and sex isn't all there is to a life. They may not be drawn to the hassle of dating, getting to know people intimately, and the frequent rejection that happens in dating. They may not enjoy flirting or being flirted with. That might just all seem to them like too much work for not enough reward.
What "truth"?
And that could be a lie. Polyamorous people can be and often are very loyal...
Anyone can be broken up with. Monos break up too, even married ones.
Again, this is a fear. There is no need to compare and feel competitive.
Okay, this could be true. So, you ask to meet them.
Why would your needs go unmet? You just have to determine what they are, and state them.
Ah, so you agree. All the perceived cons of being a mono married to a poly are due to unfounded fears that can be dealt with by following those four simple guidelines. And I have known far more than one person that has accomplished this.
To be clear, i am delineating two types of "mono", in fact I wasn't even considering the one you are referring to. Solo poly's, those who choose not to date are different then mono people with poly people. Thats a fairly major breakdown in definition between the two of us.
Its not like I hold a record for knowing folks who poly - mono get together. I would say it was 7 couples. 1 succeeded, 6 didn't. And none of those were solo-poly people.
I thoughts I was pretty clear that they need to be independent outside of the relationship. That was one of the success criteria I stated.
The your person is with other people haha
sigh... no shit. But in the constraints of a (now clearly defined mono relationship with a poly person becoming poly) it isn't loyal to step outside. I was answering within the context of the pained message at the beginning. Not a general statement against poly people.
Ok, I think you might be reading my statement as a general statement against all poly. I was empathizing with the original poster who is mono and not solo poly, and expressing where she might be having feelings.
fine. good for you champ. Man you haven't changed a bit.
Our V has now existed for a decade.
I probably don't really count as a mono person, since I'm totally able to have a crush and lately I venture on kink adventures, but I still am very closely bound to Idealist and there have been many years when I was mono while Idealist had another partner. I wasn't / am not always happy with that, both because of monogamous / romantic feelings and because it makes life more difficult. I don't go crazy with jealousy, definitely not on a day-to-day basis, but it does feel like having an ex-wife or an annoying relative in your partner's life. There were also times when Meta has been a huge help, and as much as we generally don't enjoy time together due to incompatible personalities, I'm thankful for her welcoming nature.
What has helped me:
- Definitely my partner's consistency in showing up and showing his love to me. I don't mind if he's not physically there for a period of time, because I know from many, many experiences that he's coming back
- Focusing on what I really need. Not blowing things out of proportion. Some poly theory, such as always focusing on my relationship with him and not on what she gets.
- Not being significantly worse off than if I was mono. Eg., before we arranged to live together, I had to pay rent alone while she was living right there in his flat. That was a huge point of jealousy, since it was an imbalance between the two of us, but more importantly, a point of dissatisfaction, because if I were to dump him and find a mono partner, we would move in together and split the costs. Since we did that, now there are only two big differences from being mono: One is, that he isn't home every night - I can deal with that. The other one is there's very limited flexibility, because big decisions like moving have to be 3 people decisions. That's a sticking point for me, but as stated in the beginning, not very different from your mono partner having commitments like an ex-wife and kid from previous marriage or an elder to care for. People deal with that.
[Hint: Multiple relationships DO need time and money.] - An understanding that the same qualities (eg. ability to love in a certain way) that attracted me also make him poly
- My own poly-curiosity - if I was ready to forego starting new intimate relationships forever, I might have sought a mono partner. But I wasn't, I was curious. Had fun with exploring tantric evenings in our early days and appreciated the experience and self-knowledge I gained. But I found out soon I wasn't really good at dating anyone else, because maybe deep down, I do have a monogamous preference? I'm just getting creative about satisfying both my needs 10 years later...
So no, mono-poly has in no way been easy. I generally do NOT recommend people around me to open their relationships unless they are very clear this is their lifestyle (although I do recommend pretty much everyone to explore attraction and sex-positivity in safe ways). I don't know if what I've described counts as success.
But it's not like I have to give up my core relationship values either - not if I frame them in a positive way, i.e. I want a partner who's loving, available, loyal... and I want a relationship that's committed, honest... it's all still possible.
There's only one mono value that's really incompatible with polyamory, and that's exclusivity, being the one and only loved in a romantic way, the one and only they have sex with, being the one put on a pedestal as the "other half". You will still be special and unique to your partner - it just sometimes takes more work to understand how exactly.
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Who in the examples I stated is "solo poly," in your opinion? I truly don't understand. I spoke of committed couples where one was poly and one was mono, not interested in dating more than one. Whether they are "mono" or "solo poly and choose not to date" is an assumption. I don't think they ID as poly, solo or otherwise. But they could date if they ever did want to.
Yes, your final four criteria were clear and good. It was the rest of your post that confused me.
Okay... I might understand this. Thanks for explaining further.
Why would you think I thought that? Why would you be poly and yet be against it, and post on a poly board when you're having relationship difficulties in your poly network?
I beg your pardon... champ? Man? Now your feelings are hurt and you're resorting to sarcasm, just because I didn't understand your point?
I think this is a confusion, Ariakas must be using solo poly slightly differently than it's usually used...? I thought solo poly are mostly people who do poly-date but don't jump on escalators. He must mean something akin to poly-saturated at one ("solo" analogous to a "single" mono person choosing not to have a partner).
Anyway, you two still might be having different ideas of what "monogamous" is supposed to mean, @Ariakas care to explain yours?
Galagirl sometimes uses "monogamous/ monoamorous, but poly-friendly", but I think there's even more nuance hidden than that O
Mags, I'm not sure you realise how sharp disagreement feels sometimes, please cut him some slack O
I hear your request.I think this is a confusion, Ariakas must be using solo poly slightly differently than it's usually used...? I thought solo poly are mostly people who do poly-date but don't jump on escalators. He must mean something akin to poly-saturated at one ("solo" analogous to a "single" mono person choosing not to have a partner).
Anyway, you two still might be having different ideas of what "monogamous" is supposed to mean, @Ariakas care to explain yours?
Galagirl sometimes uses "monogamous/ monoamorous, but poly-friendly", but I think there's even more nuance hidden than that.
Mags, I'm not sure you realise how sharp disagreement feels sometimes, please cut him some slack.
I just thought Ariakis was trying to tell the OP that mono/poly relationships are doomed to fail, that the monos in those situations are always "lonely" or worse. I have found that not to be true. It seemed too bleak. I have seen them work fine. Period. I don't care about "nuance" or differing definitions of obscure terms. I just didn't want the OP to fear this was bound to end in disaster. Ari is a big boy and a long-term member. He knows the culture here. I was trying to create some clarity.
There are different ways this could go:
klb could accept her husband's polyamory and they might work it out. (They would need to do the required reading and communicate well, maybe get couples counseling.)
klb could find that she doesn't want to continue, as a mono person in relationship with a polyamorous person, and opt out.
Or even, over time, klb might find the concept of polyamory interesting and someday find herself wanting to explore it for herself. I've seen that happen here too.