Just a vent

Feel free to tell me if this is in the wrong place. I just needed to vent my big, whiny feelings, hoping others can relate.

My wife and I decided to open our marriage a while ago, mostly because our sex life was all but dead. We were having sex every couple of months, only when I initiated. It was good while we were having it of course, but the fact that she was usually not receptive to my advances and never initiated anything herself told me how much sex was on her mind.

After opening up and trying out the dating apps, the typical situation set in: she has dozens of potential partners to choose from, though she really only wants to keep one regular partner. She met a guy quickly and now meets up with him fairly regularly. They have mind-blowing fantasy sex, the kind I always wished I could have with her. She also has an all-consuming emotional connection with him, and the way she describes being with him it’s like she’s met the perfect sexual and emotional partner for her. A long time ago I thought that was me.

Meanwhile, the dating apps have brought me a few fun conversations but zero physical connections in the 5 or so months it’s been. I’d consider myself a fairly good looking guy, I’m a decent communicator, and I know how to avoid being too forward and gross, or too bland and boring. My main problem is not being able to meet women out in the real world because of work and the fact that I’m our main source of childcare. On top of this, since my wife has been with her new partner, she’s even less interested in me, so we’ve had no sex and no intimacy, aside from some shallow kissing here and there. She still tells me she loves me and that we’re “soul mates,” but that she just doesn’t feel that way about me right now. I feel left behind, tossed out, neglected, all the bad things. Discussing it with her doesn’t change anything, obviously. She can’t help her feelings. When I’m not masking my frustration I just want to scream.

Thanks for reading my rant. Just hoping this isn’t all there is.

Welcome to the forum, and sorry this is a hard time for you

RoniRigatoni said:

A long time ago I thought that was me.

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A long time ago, it probably was you. We call it New Relationship Energy, and it's a firework of hormones and excitement. It settles down somewhat after several months, but only fully transitions into long-term partner love after two years. [I don't know if it helps you any, but if she breaks up with you now and moves in with a new partner, their relationship may easily end up in the same sexless state in a few years.]

For many people, NRE will heighten their overall sexdrive, and they rediscover what they once had in the original couple too. Unfortunately, not your wife
Some people fall out of love with their original partner once they have someone new. They are poorly suited for poly, and practice serial monogamy. For some people, their NRE doesn't change their feelings for the original partner at all. That seems to be your wife's case.

Poly people will try to actively counterbalance NRE, make space for quality time with their original partner, don't TMI gush about how great their new sweetie is, and while they totally make space to enjoy their new partner, they are clear about their availability and won't neglect their home responsibilities.

RoniRigatoni said:

Meanwhile, the dating apps have brought me a few fun conversations but zero physical connections in the 5 or so months it’s been. I’d consider myself a fairly good looking guy, I’m a decent communicator, and I know how to avoid being too forward and gross, or too bland and boring. My main problem is not being able to meet women out in the real world because of work and the fact that I’m our main source of childcare.

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If you aren't able to make space in your life for going out, that will hardly work. You should make things fair with your wife. If she gets evenings off to date, you should get evenings out to do whatever pleases you too. You should also get some date nights as a couple... that's usually the hardes to arrange...
Think about practical solutions! Even if it costs you money, it could be worth it.

RoniRigatoni said:

On top of this, since my wife has been with her new partner, she’s even less interested in me, so we’ve had no sex and no intimacy, aside from some shallow kissing here and there. She still tells me she loves me and that we’re “soul mates,” but that she just doesn’t feel that way about me right now. I feel left behind, tossed out, neglected, all the bad things. Discussing it with her doesn’t change anything, obviously. She can’t help her feelings. When I’m not masking my frustration I just want to scream.

Thanks for reading my rant. Just hoping this isn’t all there is.

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No one can tell you how your story will pan out You may find stability again, or you may need to transition your relationship into coparents only

Obviously, your relationship with your wife needs work, and it's hard to tell from here what kind of work and whether it's even doable.
Sometimes - often - female sexual desire is blocked by long-standing issues that aren't obviously connected, such as unsolved conflict or not feeling valued. Sometimes desire disappears if there is nothing new about your partner anymore, and is rekindled if a partner finds passion in something they do outside the relationship, like a new work or hobby project (something she can look up to works for some women). Sometimes the newness can be found in experimenting together, be it erotica or just a new way to spend time and know each other. It is possible for long-term partners to fall "in love" again, but I'm afraid there is no recipe.

Finding a partner for yourself could help your frustration somewhat and even help balance things out, but really, this is a case of "poly highlights all the cracks in the original relationship", and it's there that you need to put in creative work or make some tough life decisions.

Hello RoniRigatoni,

Sorry things are going bad between you and your wife, I have to say, that married men usually have a harder time finding a poly partner, than do married women. I think you need to tell your wife that you feel like you are being left out and left behind. She needs to know how you feel, even if she isn't going to do anything about it.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, it means a lot. We both decided not to tell any of our friends about our newest development so as to avoid judgment, so I don’t really have anyplace but the internet to talk about this. It’s probably true that the initial problem with our sex life came from our own built-up issues, and I’m sure my own lack of “newness” over the years was a contributor. We tried out couples therapy, and we’re each pursuing individual therapy to address our own demons, so I’m hopeful we can eventually bring back some of our natural chemistry. But for now it just sucks waking up next to my dream girl and feeling like she’s someone else’s girlfriend, out of reach and thinking about someone else. Thanks for listening.

RoniRigatoni said:

Feel free to tell me if this is in the wrong place.

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You're in the right place! Welcome.

RoniRigatoni said:

I just needed to vent my big, whiny feelings, hoping others can relate.

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If you read around the board for a week or so, you will find we all go through the same things when we are new to polyamory!

RoniRigatoni said:

My wife and I decided to open our marriage a while ago, mostly because our sex life was all but dead. We were having sex every couple of months, only when I initiated. It was good while we were having it, of course, but the fact that she was usually not receptive to my advances and never initiated anything herself told me how much sex was on her mind.

Click to expand...

Mismatched libidos are universally common. Also, sex dwindling after X amount of years a couple has been together is common. This can be from lack of novelty, unresolved conflicts, forgetting to "date" each other, kids constantly in your lap, etc. How old are your children? How busy is your schedule and your wife's schedule?

Have you read this?

RoniRigatoni said:

After opening up and trying out the dating apps, the typical situation set in:

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How much time did you two devote to reading, talking and research before opening up? Most formerly mono couples take at least a year, if not two, to do this before having any hope of success.

RoniRigatoni said:

she has dozens of potential partners to choose from, though she really only wants to keep one regular partner. She met a guy quickly and now meets up with him fairly regularly. They have mind-blowing fantasy sex, the kind I always wished I could have with her. She also has an all-consuming emotional connection with him, and the way she describes being with him it’s like she’s met the perfect sexual and emotional partner for her. A long time ago I thought that was me.

Click to expand...

Most relationships (that go past 1-3 dates) begin with a large does of NRE (new relationship energy, or infatuation). This can lead to "poly hell."


Is that where you are now?

RoniRigatoni said:

Meanwhile, the dating apps have brought me a few fun conversations, but zero physical connections in the 5 or so months it’s been. I’d consider myself a fairly good looking guy, I’m a decent communicator, and I know how to avoid being too forward and gross, or too bland and boring.

Click to expand...

Most women don't want to date a married man. It's just a fact. Do you state in your profile that you are polyamorous, and what that means?

Or, are you not really polyamorous, don't really want love and commitment, but just more sex?

RoniRigatoni said:

My main problem is not being able to meet women out in the real world because of work and the fact that I’m our main source of childcare.

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You can work on this one.

RoniRigatoni said:

On top of this, since my wife has been with her new partner, she’s even less interested in me, so we’ve had no sex and no intimacy, aside from some shallow kissing here and there. She still tells me she loves me and that we’re “soul mates,” but that she just doesn’t feel that way about me right now. I feel left behind, tossed out, neglected, all the bad things. Discussing it with her doesn’t change anything, obviously. She can’t help her feelings. When I’m not masking my frustration I just want to scream.

Click to expand...

Yep, definitely poly hell.

RoniRigatoni said:

Thanks for reading my rant. Just hoping this isn’t all there is.

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No, of course it's not all there is. Many of us here, tens, maybe hundreds of thousands over the years, have had success in practicing polyamory. And in the general public, many more.

We both decided not to tell any of our friends about our newest development so as to avoid judgment...

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This could actually hamper your ability to find a woman to date. Most women don't want to be someone's dirty little secret. She's not a pocket pussy in your nightstand drawer. She's a full human being who deserves recognition. If judgement comes from your community, it's up to you to deal with it. You don't have to come out to everyone, but to at least a few good friends, maybe an understanding sibling or two, you do.

I don’t really have anyplace but the internet to talk about this. It’s probably true that the initial problem with our sex life came from our own built-up issues, and I’m sure my own lack of “newness” over the years was a contributor. We tried out couples therapy, and we’re each pursuing individual therapy to address our own demons, so I’m hopeful we can eventually bring back some of our natural chemistry.

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I'm glad you're both in therapy. I hope that helps. Many people won't even try it.

But for now it just sucks waking up next to my dream girl and feeling like she’s someone else’s girlfriend, out of reach and thinking about someone else. Thanks for listening.

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One more thing that sticks out to me is that you seem to be focused on the sex, not getting enough, wife not interested in sex with you, wife interested in sex with others. Where do you stand on the "amory" part? Love?

RoniRigatoni said:

Feel free to tell me if this is in the wrong place. I just needed to vent my big, whiny feelings, hoping others can relate.

My wife and I decided to open our marriage a while ago, mostly because our sex life was all but dead. We were having sex every couple of months, only when I initiated. It was good while we were having it of course, but the fact that she was usually not receptive to my advances and never initiated anything herself told me how much sex was on her mind.

After opening up and trying out the dating apps, the typical situation set in: she has dozens of potential partners to choose from, though she really only wants to keep one regular partner. She met a guy quickly and now meets up with him fairly regularly. They have mind-blowing fantasy sex, the kind I always wished I could have with her. She also has an all-consuming emotional connection with him, and the way she describes being with him it’s like she’s met the perfect sexual and emotional partner for her. A long time ago I thought that was me.

Meanwhile, the dating apps have brought me a few fun conversations but zero physical connections in the 5 or so months it’s been. I’d consider myself a fairly good looking guy, I’m a decent communicator, and I know how to avoid being too forward and gross, or too bland and boring. My main problem is not being able to meet women out in the real world because of work and the fact that I’m our main source of childcare. On top of this, since my wife has been with her new partner, she’s even less interested in me, so we’ve had no sex and no intimacy, aside from some shallow kissing here and there. She still tells me she loves me and that we’re “soul mates,” but that she just doesn’t feel that way about me right now. I feel left behind, tossed out, neglected, all the bad things. Discussing it with her doesn’t change anything, obviously. She can’t help her feelings. When I’m not masking my frustration I just want to scream.

Thanks for reading my rant. Just hoping this isn’t all there is.

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I can certainly relate to the feeling. I have my own post about how I recently found myself in a similar situation. ESPECIALLY the "all consuming emotional connection".

I cant say I have any wisdom or suggestions that everyone else hasn't given, but one thing that is definitely helping me on a very basic level is taking one day a week and taking myself out. Whether its just dinner, or a movie, or just hanging out at a bar for a bit it has been a big mental health boost.

Magdlyn said:

You're in the right place! Welcome.

If you read around the board for a week or so, you will find we all go through the same things when we are new to polyamory!

Mismatched libidos are universally common. Also, sex dwindling after X amount of years a couple has been together is common. This can be from lack of novelty, unresolved conflicts, forgetting to "date" each other, kids constantly in your lap, etc. How old are your children? How busy is your schedule and your wife's schedule?

Have you read this?

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-skipped-step-full-article.157088/

How much time did you two devote to reading, talking and research before opening up? Most formerly mono couples take at least a year, if not two, to do this before having any hope of success.

Most relationships (that go past 1-3 dates) begin with a large does of NRE (new relationship energy, or infatuation). This can lead to "poly hell."

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Is that where you are now?

Most women don't want to date a married man. It's just a fact. Do you state in your profile that you are polyamorous, and what that means?

Or, are you not really polyamorous, don't really want love and commitment, but just more sex?

You can work on this one.

Yep, definitely poly hell.

No, of course it's not all there is. Many of us here, tens, maybe hundreds of thousands over the years, have had success in practicing polyamory. And in the general public, many more.



This could actually hamper your ability to find a woman to date. Most women don't want to be someone's dirty little secret. She's not a pocket pussy in your nightstand drawer. She's a full human being who deserves recognition. If judgement comes from your community, it's up to you to deal with it. You don't have to come out to everyone, but to at least a few good friends, maybe an understanding sibling or two, you do.



I'm glad you're both in therapy. I hope that helps. Many people won't even try it.


One more thing that sticks out to me is that you seem to be focused on the sex, not getting enough, wife not interested in sex with you, wife interested in sex with others. Where do you stand on the "amory" part? Love?

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Hi, I feel like your very thoughtful reply needed its own reply To try to answer some of your questions…

Our kids are tweens, so not constantly invading our space like toddlers do. But definitely a lot of responsibility coming from school, after-school activities, play dates, etc. My work is flexible, but household chores and errands take up my whole day. Her work is all-consuming as well. We get occasional date nights, and I’m trying to set them up more frequently. We definitely need them.

On researching beforehand: this whole thing was mostly her idea, so she did a lot of reading before we made any moves. I did some reading online, but obviously not enough if I’m caught off guard by this development

As far as dating apps, I’m sticking to the ones that are more ENM-friendly. I actually don’t consider myself poly (as my wife does), but I’m comfortable with the ENM umbrella. I’m not looking for another full relationship, more of a FWB-level of commitment. I’m seeing plenty of that out there, but my experience seems like what most guys deal with in today’s dating app scene. That’s all a work in progress I guess.

On not telling friends: I do recognize that anyone I date shouldn’t be made to feel like they’re being kept a secret. We’ve both considered the possibility of running into someone we know while out with a date, and we’re willing to risk a moment of awkwardness. She has a few trusted friends she talks to, It’s honestly me not loving the whole situation that probably keeps me from opening up to anyone. I don’t claim it, it feels dumped on me.

On the “amory” part: I haven’t mentioned anything else about our relationship because everything else is actually great between us. We’re awesome co-parents, we have the same taste in almost everything, we complete each other’s sentences. We still hold hands after almost 20 years of marriage. What’s missing is the entire erotic side, every last bit of it. It doesn’t seem to matter much to her, especially now that she’s getting it from someone else. But for me it’s a huge chunk of our relationship missing, like walking around with a missing arm. I don’t need to find more love, it’s the lack of feeling wanted and having any kind of physical intimacy that cuts. Humans need that, it’s high up on the hierarchy. But it’s unfortunately a need whose discussion is kind of destructive, like talking about it kills it even more. Hence my posting online (awkward grin).

Anyway, like I said, all of this was just a vent. Thanks for reading my incredibly long reply, you’re a champion.

RoniRigatoni said:

Our kids are tweens, so not constantly invading our space like toddlers do. But definitely a lot of responsibility coming from school, after-school activities, play dates, etc. My work is flexible, but household chores and errands take up my whole day. Her work is all-consuming as well. We get occasional date nights, and I’m trying to set them up more frequently. We definitely need them.

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My advice might be kind of like closing the barn door after the horse is already out. It seems like agreeing to opening your marriage because of bed death was the wrong decision, at least from your pov. Before wife started dating, at least you were getting a little sex. Now that she's having NRE-fueled sex with her new bf, she feels no desire or obligation to give you any! I am sure most therapists would agree that this is not a healthy way to go.

Did you feel coerced into agreeing to opening up? It seems like you were. Wife doesn't crave sex with you, so you said, "Okay, go get it elsewhere. We'll have the love part." But now she's "in love" and having wild sex with someone else.

And you're too depressed to even seek the sex part yourself.

RoniRigatoni said:

On researching beforehand: this whole thing was mostly her idea, so she did a lot of reading before we made any moves. I did some reading online, but obviously not enough if I’m caught off guard by this development

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We have a great list of resources in our Golden Nuggets section. There are plenty of articles listed, but also books, such as Opening Up, which covers how to practice the different kinds of ENM, as well as Sex at Dawn, which is a sociological/anthropological study of human mating behavior (but layman-friendly, don't worry).

RoniRigatoni said:

As far as dating apps, I’m sticking to the ones that are more ENM-friendly. I actually don’t consider myself poly (as my wife does), but I’m comfortable with the ENM umbrella. I’m not looking for another full relationship, more of a FWB-level of commitment. I’m seeing plenty of that out there, but my experience seems like what most guys deal with in today’s dating app scene. That’s all a work in progress, I guess.

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Well, I hope you find the right woman/women for a more casual thing, then. I just hope both of you going with others for sex and excitement doesn't push you two further apart.

It's still important to work on your marriage, your emotional intimacy, dating, etc.

Personal anecdote: I had three kids in five years, and they completely exhausted me. My ex-husband wasn't much help around the house, and I came to resent that. He felt in competition with the kids! Got all passive aggressive on me, etc. But when the youngest finally started sleeping through the night (at age 5), my sex drive and desire for my husband (as imperfect as he was, we did have chemistry) came back. And by the time the kids were 7, 10 and 12, we were able to leave them with their Grandma, who lived next to to my ex's sister, who between them would take them for a week once or twice a year so he and I could take real vacations. It helped tremendously. And our oldest child had become a great babysitter for her siblings, so once a month or so we could go on a local date. A few years later, we could go away for an overnight not too far away and have 24 hours to ourselves.

So, if your kids are in the tween age, and the spark is still missing, it's worth figuring out why, imo.

RoniRigatoni said:

On not telling friends: I do recognize that anyone I date shouldn’t be made to feel like they’re being kept a secret. We’ve both considered the possibility of running into someone we know while out with a date, and we’re willing to risk a moment of awkwardness. She has a few trusted friends she talks to, It’s honestly me not loving the whole situation that probably keeps me from opening up to anyone. I don’t claim it, it feels dumped on me.

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I understand. It's a huge change, and it doesn't feel normal yet.

RoniRigatoni said:

On the “amory” part: I haven’t mentioned anything else about our relationship because everything else is actually great between us. We’re awesome co-parents, we have the same taste in almost everything, we complete each other’s sentences. We still hold hands after almost 20 years of marriage. What’s missing is the entire erotic side, every last bit of it. It doesn’t seem to matter much to her, especially now that she’s getting it from someone else. But for me it’s a huge chunk of our relationship missing, like walking around with a missing arm. I don’t need to find more love, it’s the lack of feeling wanted and having any kind of physical intimacy that cuts. Humans need that, it’s high up on the hierarchy. But it’s unfortunately a need whose discussion is kind of destructive, like talking about it kills it even more. Hence my posting online (awkward grin).

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I know many (most?) people would rather do sex than talk about it. It shouldn't be destructive though, unless it constantly comes down to: "You don't give me enough sex!" "Well, you don't do anything to attract me!" and things like that.

Maybe ask your therapist about learning "Nonviolent Communication" skills. Google it too.

Talking about sex can be hot...

RoniRigatoni said:

Anyway, like I said, all of this was just a vent. Thanks for reading my incredibly long reply, you’re a champion.

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Oh, think nothing of it. We are an old-fashioned place for people with attention spans longer than that of a goldfish here. lol

Please look into our resources. And keep reading threads. lostinlove16's current thread should be relatable. And often our members strike up DM friendships. It helps to feel not alone.