Triad with little to no alone time

J

Jada

New member
Hi,
I'm in a solid ldr triad. Me and my nesting partner share an ldr partner. And due to many different reasons we can't see each other often. Which means not in several months at a time sometimes.

My nesting partner has a very loose schedule and is home or at least very flexible most of the time. I however am not. Most of my days during the week are planned out as I study full time. And apart from that I also work every other weekend.

Which means they get a lot more one-on-one time than I and the ldr partner do. And can go on events i have to sit out on. And it's making me panic and claustrophobic.

They're coming over this weekend but they've got a lot of plans together as i am working Saturday and will be away almost the entire day Sunday bc of work and a meeting.

It is like this most of the time.

I've tried to bring it up but I don't want my ldr partner to feel like it's an obligation to spend time with me. Or for my nesting partner to feel like they are in the way or that I'm not happy for them.

I would just like some advice on what to do and how to think in order for this not to cause resentment against my partners because they get a lot more time together.
 
I think it's ok to ask some alone time with ldr partner. Don't make it about "being in the way" or anything. Just stay along the lines of "Since I have a lot of presceduled time and can't see you/them as often, and almost never without bf, I miss some one on one time. Would it be ok for us to schedule some? What about we do ___?"
Then schedule some. Where's the conflict. Are you afraid your partner could have hard feelings about this?
 
Tinwen said:
I think it's ok to ask some alone time with ldr partner. Don't make it about "being in the way" or anything. Just stay along the lines of "Since I have a lot of presceduled time and can't see you/them as often, and almost never without bf, I miss some one on one time. Would it be ok for us to schedule some? What about we do ___?"
Then schedule some. Where's the conflict. Are you afraid your partner could have hard feelings about this?
Click to expand...
This sounds like a good way to go about it. I've been able to talk some to my nesting partner about it and they understand.

I've mentioned to ldr partner who gave me kind of a non-response/ very open response. I'm guessing they don't want to feel like they would prioritize one partner instead of the other with the limited time we have together. And me not having a lot of time is not anyone not prioritizing me, it's just me not being able to participate.

The thing is i dont want alonetime to be able to do anything specific. I just want to have a regular day with ldr partner. I got to have that once and that was honestly for me the most meaningful time weve had together and it meant a lot to me.
 
Jada said:
The thing is i dont want alonetime to be able to do anything specific. I just want to have a regular day with ldr partner. I got to have that once and that was honestly for me the most meaningful time weve had together and it meant a lot to me.
Click to expand...
Well, negotiate that.
Maybe it can't be a whole day, if the three of you only see each other every now and then. But maybe you can squeeze in an hour or three of couple time to talk or sex or go somewhere bf doesn't care about.

Or maybe you go out of your way and travel to see them for once.

This is polyamory, our needs sometimes can't be satisted to the full, but no need should be forgotten and abandoned!

See if little change (hours, instead of days) scratches your itch, if not, look further. If you need a more couple time than you can get here, it's possible you're a person who would actually prefer to date separately and locally instead of in a ldr triad.
 
You can read around this forum about how to handle the dynamics of triads. They are complicated. Do a search for terms like triad, unicorn, threesomes...

In a triad there are several relationships or dyads. Let's call your nesting partner Dallas, and your LDR partner Cheyenne. The dyads are

You and Dallas
You and Cheyenne
Dallas and Cheyenne
All three of you together.

Each dyad will have a different energy. Feelings will vary, and grow at different rates. And as you're experiencing, each of you will have differing amounts of availability. You can't expect everything to grow at the same rate. Time as a three is important, and so are all the one-to-one relationships.
Did you and Dallas both meet Cheyenne at the same time? If you and Dallas had been together for a while, Cheyenne might be feeling afraid of rocking the boat of your established relationship.

Your education is important. It takes thought, and courage, and lots of open honest conversation to balance all the moving parts in your life as much as possible. None of you should be trying to guess at the others' emotions. Just spit it out, be clear about what you're feeling. Ask them questions about their desires and needs, etc., as you share your own.

In our Golden Nuggets section we have lists of former threads on these topics, as well as online articles and books.

Here are a couple articles about triads, or new emotions involved in polyamory:


www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

 
Tinwen said:
Well, negotiate that.
Maybe it can't be a whole day, if the three of you only see each other every now and then. But maybe you can squeeze in an hour or three of couple time to talk or sex or go somewhere bf doesn't care about.

Or maybe you go out of your way and travel to see them for once.

This is polyamory, our needs sometimes can't be satisted to the full, but no need should be forgotten and abandoned!

See if little change (hours, instead of days) scratches your itch, if not, look further. If you need a more couple time than you can get here, it's possible you're a person who would actually prefer to date separately and locally instead of in a ldr triad.
Click to expand...
Yeah, let me rephrase, I just want us to spend time together as if it was just a regular day. Not a specific activity.

If they were in a living situation rn where that was possible I would gladly do so.

If I were to start dating again I would do so separately and preferably locally yes.
 
Magdlyn said:
You can read around this forum about how to handle the dynamics of triads. They are complicated. Do a search for terms like triad, unicorn, threesomes...

In a triad there are several relationships or dyads. Let's call your nesting partner Dallas, and your LDR partner Cheyenne. The dyads are

You and Dallas
You and Cheyenne
Dallas and Cheyenne
All three of you together.

Each dyad will have a different energy. Feelings will vary, and grow at different rates. And as you're experiencing, each of you will have differing amounts of availability. You can't expect everything to grow at the same rate. Time as a three is important, and so are all the one-to-one relationships.
Did you and Dallas both meet Cheyenne at the same time? If you and Dallas had been together for a while, Cheyenne might be feeling afraid of rocking the boat of your established relationship.

Your education is important. It takes thought, and courage, and lots of open honest conversation to balance all the moving parts in your life as much as possible. None of you should be trying to guess at the others' emotions. Just spit it out, be clear about what you're feeling. Ask them questions about their desires and needs, etc., as you share your own.

In our Golden Nuggets section we have lists of former threads on these topics, as well as online articles and books.

Here are a couple articles about triads, or new emotions involved in polyamory:


www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Click to expand...
I have looked around for a similar threads but haven't found one.

We are very good at nursing our separate and combined relationships. The problem is time, not the dynamic.

We met Cheyenne together and had been living together for about 2 years by then. So yes, you might be correct about them not wanting to rock the boat. We have been dating for a year and decided to actually start a relationship around 6 months ago or so. They have their own nesting partner and we have all been poly even before, so this is not a unicorn scenario.

I agree with you about open communication, and I want to be able to communicate as clearly as possible with my partners. Especially bc of the time crunch. Here I just wanted to hear if people had similar experiences and/or advice. I will talk to my partners about this, either way.
 
Tinwen said:
Well, negotiate that.
Maybe it can't be a whole day, if the three of you only see each other every now and then. But maybe you can squeeze in an hour or three of couple time to talk or sex or go somewhere bf doesn't care about.

Or maybe you go out of your way and travel to see them for once.

This is polyamory, our needs sometimes can't be satisted to the full, but no need should be forgotten and abandoned!

See if little change (hours, instead of days) scratches your itch, if not, look further. If you need a more couple time than you can get here, it's possible you're a person who would actually prefer to date separately and locally instead of in a ldr triad.
Click to expand...
And thank you for your advice ♡
 
How long has your LDR triad been going on?

Magdlyn is sharing important material, which might however be unnecessarily discouraging. You're obviously already doing a triad, and by the kind of concerns you voice, also a pretty successful one so far.

I think it's nice and enriching to have a LDR/comet relationship like that (unless someone badly wants more commitment than the arrangement can offer).
 
A little over a year, but we stated we're a couple/ throuple in around august last year. We did not expect to fall in love but realized quite quickly we were all catching feelings.

Yes, I started reading through one of them. When we started going into a triad, I started reading up on what is good to know and what makes most triads fail, cause I've only had separate romantic connections up until this point. And I feel like we have all been very conscious with our actions and feelings. We have good communication, we are open with each other, and we all truly care for each other. The thing we are lacking is time. And especially alone time, that's what makes it hard.

Sorry if I'm just blabbering on.
 
Tinwen said:
How long has your LDR triad been going on?

Magdlyn is sharing important material, which might however be unnecessarily discouraging. You're obviously already doing a triad, and by the kind of concerns you voice, also a pretty successful one so far.
I think it's nice and enriching to have a LDR/comet relationship like that (unless someone badly wants more commitment than the arrangement can offer).
Click to expand...
Forgot to tag. But have replied to this.
 
Jada said:
A little over a year, but we stated we're a couple/throuple in around August last year. We did not expect to fall in love, but realized quite quickly we were all catching feelings.

Yes, I started reading through one of them. When we started going into a triad, I started reading up on what is good to know and what makes most triads fail, because I've only had separate romantic connections up until this point. And I feel like we have all been very conscious with our actions and feelings. We have good communication, we are open with each other, and we all truly care for each other. The thing we are lacking is time. And especially alone time, that's what makes it hard.

Sorry if I'm just blabbering on.
Click to expand...
No worries. Venting helps a lot!

I hope the articles I shared weren't too redundant. I guess my point is that each dyad is its own individual thing. Everyone has their own lives to lead, and so the parameters will be different.

You just don't have the same amount of time. I guess you're envious or sad that the other two have more time to spend together being romantic. You say you are actually panicking. And you feel "claustrophobic"? Do you feel constrained by your busy schedule?

My best advice is to focus on your long-term goals and be patient. You can resent the others having more free time. But you're to be applauded for getting the education you need to pursue your career. Maybe you will have to spend more time studying than romancing for some time to come. I guess some people might take on less course work if their relationships need more time to be healthy, whether those r'ships are with partners, kids, an elder that needs help, etc. But if you can't reduce your course load, I'd recommend just keeping your nose to the grindstone and keeping your eyes on the prize. Your partners are not you. You're all following your own paths.

Just be sure to ask for what you need, and see if they can give you the attention you want, in the way you want, when you are free to be with them (one or the other, or both at once).
 
Magdlyn said:
No worries. Venting helps a lot!

I hope the articles I shared weren't too redundant. I guess my point is that each dyad is its own individual thing. Everyone has their own lives to lead, and so the parameters will be different. You just don't have the same amount of time. I guess you're envious or sad that the other two have more time to spend together being romantic. You say you are actually panicking. And you feel "claustrophobic"? Do you feel constrained by your busy schedule?

My best advice is to focus on your long-term goals and be patient. You can resent the others having more free time. But you're to be applauded for getting the education you need to pursue your career. Maybe you will have to spend more time studying than romancing for some time to come. I guess some people might take on less course work if their relationships need more time to be healthy, whether those r'ships are with partners, kids, an elder that needs help, etc. But if you can't reduce your course load, I'd recommend just keeping your nose to the grindstone and keeping your eyes on the prize. Your partners are not you. You're all following your own paths.

Just be sure to ask for what you need, and see if they can give you the attention you want, in the way you want, when you are free to be with them (one or the other, or both at once).
Click to expand...
I will sit down and read them when i have the time ^^

Yes, the triad is kinda just happenstance. All of our individual relationships look very different and it's nice to feel that someone is with you because of you, rather than just seeing our relationship as solely a triad.

I feel claustrophobic bc it feels like whatever I do I have to take not only 1, but 2 ppl into consideration. (I'm not talking in general, I'm talking about when we all see each other, cause in general I don't mind.) So when ldr is here, I cannot put as much time and attention as I would want to, bc I can't hog them for myself. Or like, just moving through a space, I get easily overwhelmed when I have more than one person around me. And sometimes even just one. And yes, the busy schedule is absolutely a part of it, bc it feels like I can't do anything about it.

Thank you, I'll try to look at it that way. I wouldn't quit studying to spend more time with my partners, I would instead be clear with them what I'm able to offer. And maybe I should have that same conversation with myself too. We are, thank u for your encouraging words ♡

Yes, I will!
 
Hello Jada,

You need to sit down with Dallas, and explain that you need some alone time with Cheyenne. While Dallas isn't intentionally creating the problem, you do need their help in figuring out the logistics for you. Sure you don't want anyone to feel obligated, but in relationships, there is a need to work on being together.

What are the chances that Cheyenne (and their own nesting partner) would move to live closer to you? or perhaps even less likely, that you and Dallas would move to live closer to Cheyenne? Long-distance relationships can be really difficult. Of course, part of the problem is that your plate is so full, you do not have the free time that Dallas has.

It is going to be challenging arranging to have a regular day with just you and Cheyenne. This isn't anyone's fault, it's just a combination of the long-distance factor plus your many personal obligations. You will have to make some room in your very busy schedule. A full day with Cheyenne isn't something that will just happen, it will take intention and effort.

You are not hogging Cheyenne, you are just aching for something that feels more like an equal distribution for you and Dallas. Try not to feel guilty about your needs in this triad relationship. Every triad relationship is different and unique, just as every person in the relationship is unique. You just need to find that unique balance that is right for you.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Jada said:
I will sit down and read them when i have the time
Click to expand...
The "What's Easier" article is shorter and to the point. The "Someone called you a unicorn" article is pretty long and takes a good block of time to read. I understand you're doing a lot of reading for school, so "studying" polyamory right now is one more burden. haha. But if you're going to juggle both college and polyamory at once, it's best to understand what you're doing, to reduce problems, and hard feelings like panic, claustrophobia, envy and sadness.
Jada said:
^^

Yes, the triad is kinda just happenstance. All of our individual relationships look very different and it's nice to feel that someone is with you because of you, rather than just seeing our relationship as solely a triad.

I feel claustrophobic bc it feels like whatever I do I have to take not only 1, but 2 ppl into consideration. So when "LDR" is here, I cannot put as much time and attention as I would want to, bc I can't hog them for myself.
Click to expand...
When you're in the throes of a new relationship, you do want to spend as much time as possible with them. But life gets in the way, whether it's another partner the person has (either one of their own, or one they share with you), or other commitments, responsibilities and just life needs, like work, school, platonic friends, home care, laundry, shopping for food, cooking, eating, etc.
Jada said:
Just moving through a space, I get easily overwhelmed when I have more than one person around me. And sometimes even just one.
Click to expand...
That's interesting. You find it easier to be out alone, rather than having to look around and check in with a partner? They seem more like a burden than a joy, a support, a pleasure, at least sometimes?
Jada said:
And yes, the busy schedule is absolutely a part of it, bc it feels like I can't do anything about it.
Click to expand...
Just remember it's your choice to be in school. It's actually a privilege to be getting a higher education. :) It can be very hard work, of course, and not always "fun." But I find it's good to think "I get to go to school," rather than, "It's a pain in the ass to have to go to school."
Jada said:
Thank you, I'll try to look at it that way. I wouldn't quit studying to spend more time with my partners. I would instead be clear with them what I'm able to offer. And maybe I should have that same conversation with myself, too.
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That sounds more practical! :)
 
Thank you, yes I think that's
kdt26417 said:
Hello Jada,

You need to sit down with Dallas, and explain that you need some alone time with Cheyenne. While Dallas isn't intentionally creating the problem, you do need their help in figuring out the logistics for you. Sure you don't want anyone to feel obligated, but in relationships, there is a need to work on being together.

What are the chances that Cheyenne (and their own nesting partner) would move to live closer to you? or perhaps even less likely, that you and Dallas would move to live closer to Cheyenne? Long-distance relationships can be really difficult. Of course, part of the problem is that your plate is so full, you do not have the free time that Dallas has.

It is going to be challenging arranging to have a regular day with just you and Cheyenne. This isn't anyone's fault, it's just a combination of the long-distance factor plus your many personal obligations. You will have to make some room in your very busy schedule. A full day with Cheyenne isn't something that will just happen, it will take intention and effort.

You are not hogging Cheyenne, you are just aching for something that feels more like an equal distribution for you and Dallas. Try not to feel guilty about your needs in this triad relationship. Every triad relationship is different and unique, just as every person in the relationship is unique. You just need to find that unique balance that is right for you.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your thoughts, I will take them all into consideration.

Cheyenne plans on moving to our city in the future but no one knows when. Which means it could be this year or in two years, time will tell. I don't think it's likely that both them and their partner will move as my ldr parter lives with both their nesting partner and their meta. So the nesting partner + meta will probably stay where they are now and continue living together.
 
Magdlyn said:
The "What's Easier" article is shorter and to the point. The "Someone called you a unicorn" article is pretty long and takes a good block of time to read. I understand you're doing a lot of reading for school, so "studying" polyamory right now is one more burden. haha. But if you're going to juggle both college and polyamory at once, it's best to understand what you're doing, to reduce problems, and hard feelings like panic, claustrophobia, envy and sadness.

When you're in the throes of a new relationship, you do want to spend as much time as possible with them. But life gets in the way, whether it's another partner the person has (either one of their own, or one they share with you), or other commitments, responsibilities and just life needs, like work, school, platonic friends, home care, laundry, shopping for food, cooking, eating, etc.

That's interesting. You find it easier to be out alone, rather than having to look around and check in with a partner? They seem more like a burden than a joy, a support, a pleasure, at least sometimes?

Just remember it's your choice to be in school. It's actually a privilege to be getting a higher education. :) It can be very hard work, of course, and not always "fun." But I find it's good to think "I get to go to school," rather than, "It's a pain in the ass to have to go to school."

That sounds more practical! :)
Click to expand...
Yes, thank you. Mostly if I have questions or thoughts about polyamory these days I search in different forums to see if someone has experienced the same thing. I find it pretty soothing to read other peoples thoughts on the matter. But like you said, it's important to stay informed.

Yeah, I get more done in general when I'm alone. I used to ask my partner to leave the apt sometimes so i could get some time on my own. I get bored not having them around and that's like the only downside to being alone imo. And it's not too bad. I used to live in a shared house and that didn't work at all. Feels like there's a constant buzzing in my ears. So being three ppl in one apartment for longer than a couple days takes effort even though i love them.

Yes, I'm very thankful I get to pursue my studies. Thank u for reminding me ^^
 
Jada said:
Cheyenne plans on moving to our city in the future but no one knows when. Which means it could be this year or in two years, time will tell. I don't think it's likely that both them and their partner will move as my ldr parter lives with both their nesting partner and their meta. So the nesting partner + meta will probably stay where they are now and continue living together.
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I'd hate being in their shoes and having to make such a decision - to move out from one partner to be closer to others :( I hope they are moving for other reasons (such as school or career) as well.
 
Tinwen said:
I'd hate being in their shoes and having to make such a decision - to move out from one partner to be closer to others :( I hope they are moving for other reasons (such as school or career) as well.
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They're moving for other reasons as well!
 
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