Newly Married

So me and husband just got married. we are 2 months in. When we first start talking back in January he told me he was polya. ok cool. I have messed with girls before. I use to be the one doing all the sticking. I really didn't think nothing of it because we stayed 300 miles away. I didn't think our relationship would go like this. I really thought I was able to do this.

But here we are today and I can't. The thought of him sleeping with someone else and giving them a part of him turns me off. To make matters worse, if it's the right one, he wants to go to a different country and marry her.

When I say don't get her pregnant, his comeback is, "you knew what I was before you married me and you promised me forever and I want my forever."

How do I give him what he wants without losing my marriag? I know he loves me and is in love with me. He claims he will work hard to get over the polya thing. But I know deep down he will be unhappy. I'm the only female he ever wanted to marry. I'm so lost and confused by this. he feels like I took his opinion and choice away from him. but he claims he is not mad and he is happy. I'm his home and his safe place.

Can someone help me please?

I don't have a lot of advice to give but this is something you clearly should've talked about before you got married ♡

Him saying that you should be ok with it bc he has "already told u" he's poly is a simplification of what it means to be poly. Someone being poly does not mean they are automatically gonna wanna have kids with, or marry, more than one person. Every dynamic is as unique as the people in it. Even in poly dynamics you are allowed to have hard boundaries and it is extremely important you do.

He has boundaries he has not clearly stated, you seem to have boundaries you didn't know about or didn't express. You are both allowed to have your boundaries, but sometimes they simply don't match up. You being happy, safe and respected in your relationship is more important than a marriage in general imo, and the same goes for him.

Take some time to think about what _you_ want. Maybe you simply don't want to, or can't, give him what he wants bc what you want is something different and even though that sucks it is okay ♡

powerful respect said:

So me and husband just got married. we are 2 months in. When we first start talking back in January he told me he was polya.

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You started talking to your husband in January and you're already married? That is very fast.

powerful respect said:

ok cool. I have messed with girls before. I use to be the one doing all the sticking. I really didn't think nothing of it because we stayed 300 miles away.

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So you're bisexual. What does that have to do with your new husband's polyamory?

What do you mean "We stayed 300 miles away"? Are you not living together?

powerful respect said:

I didn't think our relationship would go like this. I really thought I was able to do this.

But here we are today and I can't. The thought of him sleeping with someone else and giving them a part of him turns me off. To make matters worse, if it's the right one, he wants to go to a different country and marry her.

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He has a woman in mind in a different country, and he wants to marry her, but he's already married to you. You're newlyweds, in fact. So, how is this supposed to work?

powerful respect said:

When I say don't get her pregnant, his comeback is, "you knew what I was before you married me and you promised me forever and I want my forever."

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Forever, even if he "marries" another woman and starts a family with her? Did you know this was what he was planning for his future?

powerful respect said:

How do I give him what he wants without losing my marriage? I know he loves me and is in love with me. He claims he will work hard to get over the polya thing. But I know deep down he will be unhappy. I'm the only female he ever wanted to marry.

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He wants to marry someone else now, though?

powerful respect said:

I'm so lost and confused by this. he feels like I took his opinion and choice away from him. but he claims he is not mad and he is happy. I'm his home and his safe place.

Can someone help me, please?

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I find this all so confusing I don't know what to say.

Hello powerful respect,

It sounds like you have had somewhat of a whirlwind romance, you said you and he first started talking in January, of this year I presume, and now you've been married for two months. I just mean, maybe NRE got the best of you, and you wanted to marry him in spite of his poly inclinations. I suppose that's all water under the bridge, the key thing is that you now know polyamory doesn't work for you. Of course you want to save your marriage, and naturally you want to do it in a way that doesn't rob him of his happiness. Since he is very polyamorous, you will have to get okay with that. There's just no other way for you to get everything you want out of this situation. Maybe for now you just tell him that you need him to take a break on poly, until you can get okay with it.

I'm confused by the detail that if he finds the right woman, in another country, that he wants to marry her. He's already married to you, so wouldn't that be illegal? Bigamy would be the word for it. Or does he mean that he would divorce you, and then marry the other woman? I mean it's nice that you care about his happiness, but does he care about your happiness? He seems to me rather entitled. "You promised me forever, and I want my forever." You've only known him for four months, and have only been married to him for two months. Maybe now is the time to break up with him, before you've invested so much of your life in him that you can't get out? I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I am concerned that you are getting wrapped up in an inescapable situation.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.