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- Thread starter zakia
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MoPoly
Active member
It’s good that you can talk so just keep on talking. Perhaps ask him to see her less often while you are talking about what ‘poly’ or ‘opening up’ might mean for your marriage. Tell him you want the headspace to talk about it with him, without having to deal with emotions around it generated by him seeing her, until things are clarified between the two of you. Right now, you two are in a monogamous relationship. It is not too much to ask that he continues to respect that for now - even if the two of you are going to (possibly) change your dynamics. Pace yourselves. It takes time to learn, discover, discuss, negotiate, adapt - but if you do, your relationship will be the stronger for it.
A few things stand out to me.
First of all, good for you for reaching out here and venting it all out to lift the burden a little. I hope that helped.
Next, you seem to have a classic issue that many have. Some are okay with their partner having sex with another, but no emotions, while some are okay with the emotions, but not the sex. You're okay with him having one or the other, but both together seems like too much.
But here is what could help. You say you are really close and tell each other EVERYTHING. I suggest it's not really healthy to know everything about your partner's feelings for and activities with their other partner or dating-potential person. Hubs is in NRE (new relationship energy), infatuated, where one tends to be very excited and even obsessive about a new person. This doesn't last forever, but it needs to be managed while it's happening.
My current male partner was new to poly when we started dating (3 years ago) and we've had to work out a balance of how much he should tell me about other people he's been dating. A little bit is good, too much is TMI. It can make me uncomfortable, and it also violates the other person's privacy.
So maybe just asking your hubs to chill and not constantly bring up his new friend would help. Maybe he could find another poly friend to talk to, or just journal it, or something. I don't want my bf to constantly throw his new dating partners in my face. I want our time to be ours. I am not his bestie or his mom.
First of all, good for you for reaching out here and venting it all out to lift the burden a little. I hope that helped.
Next, you seem to have a classic issue that many have. Some are okay with their partner having sex with another, but no emotions, while some are okay with the emotions, but not the sex. You're okay with him having one or the other, but both together seems like too much.
But here is what could help. You say you are really close and tell each other EVERYTHING. I suggest it's not really healthy to know everything about your partner's feelings for and activities with their other partner or dating-potential person. Hubs is in NRE (new relationship energy), infatuated, where one tends to be very excited and even obsessive about a new person. This doesn't last forever, but it needs to be managed while it's happening.
My current male partner was new to poly when we started dating (3 years ago) and we've had to work out a balance of how much he should tell me about other people he's been dating. A little bit is good, too much is TMI. It can make me uncomfortable, and it also violates the other person's privacy.
So maybe just asking your hubs to chill and not constantly bring up his new friend would help. Maybe he could find another poly friend to talk to, or just journal it, or something. I don't want my bf to constantly throw his new dating partners in my face. I want our time to be ours. I am not his bestie or his mom.
Bobbi
Well-known member
Yes, take your time and focus less on conversations about her and more on conversations about your relationship, your feelings, and the POSSIBILITY of opening up.
Start researching and reading books TOGETHER. Discuss what you read and how each of you feels about it. Find your own individual boundaries and know that what you think now will change...and it will change again and again as your experiences change. The more you learn, share and discuss, the better your opening up and relationship will be.
It sounds like you already have the most important part, the ability to be very transparent with each other. That is essential. Most successful couples take a year of learning, talking and even therapy before actually starting the dating process. You might not have that much time, but do read at least three books and discuss the things you'll read about but you don't yet know what they are. You can speed up the process by doing the work more quickly but don't skip any of it. Learning poly on the fly can be very harmful to a relationship and everyone involved. Even with all the learning there will still be a bunch you'll come up against. You must have the basics under your belt before dealing with the more advanced stuff that will pop up.
There's a sticky at the top of this forum with resources. Read books and listen to podcasts. I liked "making polyamory work" it's more about healthy relationships. "Multiamory" the first several episodes are essential learning for all poly relationships. Listen together or in the car during commute.
And of course read and ask here for specifics to your situation.
Start researching and reading books TOGETHER. Discuss what you read and how each of you feels about it. Find your own individual boundaries and know that what you think now will change...and it will change again and again as your experiences change. The more you learn, share and discuss, the better your opening up and relationship will be.
It sounds like you already have the most important part, the ability to be very transparent with each other. That is essential. Most successful couples take a year of learning, talking and even therapy before actually starting the dating process. You might not have that much time, but do read at least three books and discuss the things you'll read about but you don't yet know what they are. You can speed up the process by doing the work more quickly but don't skip any of it. Learning poly on the fly can be very harmful to a relationship and everyone involved. Even with all the learning there will still be a bunch you'll come up against. You must have the basics under your belt before dealing with the more advanced stuff that will pop up.
There's a sticky at the top of this forum with resources. Read books and listen to podcasts. I liked "making polyamory work" it's more about healthy relationships. "Multiamory" the first several episodes are essential learning for all poly relationships. Listen together or in the car during commute.
And of course read and ask here for specifics to your situation.
Hello zakia,
It's possible -- though I'm loathe to say it -- that you and your husband are growing apart. You are becoming aware that the combination of sex and love (with a new partner) doesn't sit well with you, while your husband is becoming aware that he can't have a new partner without that combination. So I don't know that those pieces fit together, it's possible your marriage has run its course. The only way this would not be true, is if one of you could compromise on these realizations about yourselves. For example, is there any chance you could be happy with your husband having sex and a relationship with this coworker of his? On the other hand, could he be happy forgoing that relationship? Perhaps the thing to do is to explain to him that you can't tolerate him having a sex-plus-love relationship with this woman.
Of course, you can hang onto your marriage, even when one or both of you is/are unhappy within that marriage. But I don't advise that course of action. It is erroneous to put one's marriage on a pedestal above the people in the marriage. The marriage isn't the most important thing here. The people currently in the marriage (you and your husband) are the most important thing. If the marriage must be sacrificed in order for both of you to be able to be happy, then I say make that sacrifice. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to set the other person free. So if you can stand to contemplate a divorce, try to make it an amicable divorce. In any case, follow the road/s that promise/s to make happiness available to both of you. Anyway that's my advice.
Regards,
Kevin T.
It's possible -- though I'm loathe to say it -- that you and your husband are growing apart. You are becoming aware that the combination of sex and love (with a new partner) doesn't sit well with you, while your husband is becoming aware that he can't have a new partner without that combination. So I don't know that those pieces fit together, it's possible your marriage has run its course. The only way this would not be true, is if one of you could compromise on these realizations about yourselves. For example, is there any chance you could be happy with your husband having sex and a relationship with this coworker of his? On the other hand, could he be happy forgoing that relationship? Perhaps the thing to do is to explain to him that you can't tolerate him having a sex-plus-love relationship with this woman.
Of course, you can hang onto your marriage, even when one or both of you is/are unhappy within that marriage. But I don't advise that course of action. It is erroneous to put one's marriage on a pedestal above the people in the marriage. The marriage isn't the most important thing here. The people currently in the marriage (you and your husband) are the most important thing. If the marriage must be sacrificed in order for both of you to be able to be happy, then I say make that sacrifice. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to set the other person free. So if you can stand to contemplate a divorce, try to make it an amicable divorce. In any case, follow the road/s that promise/s to make happiness available to both of you. Anyway that's my advice.
Regards,
Kevin T.