2 Issues

[cagedbutterfly]

To put it simply, my poly partner cheated.

He has 2 girlfriends, me and another partner, and he slept with an ex a week ago. I caught him out, he confessed, is regretful and will have no contact with her in the immediate future, as she still wishes to be with him. It probably didn't help that he slept with her AGAIN, as it's been months and months.

I am devastated, and I feel like a hypocrite for being upset, because I believe in poly and what we are doing. But I am just so upset and angry.
I moved here 4 weeks ago to be with him, and he couldn't stop himself 3 weeks in.

Any advice on how to deal?

So, my partner also has another partner. We have all been together the same amount of time, but she lived in the same place, whereas we did long distance, and eventually decided to take it to the next level.

We get on okay, and I respect their relationship and time together.

When I moved, we discussed how it would work. I it thought only fair that he split his nights evenly as possible in a month, with both of us.
But he and I work together, so most days we spent 8+ hours in the office together, and although we aren't smooching, it's nice to be in the same place as someone I love.

So I agreed, FOR NOW, while she adjusts to sharing him more, because I live with him, that he has 4 nights with her and 3 with me. I am not that unhappy or happy with the situation, just indifferent. However, I wanted weekends to be split, as in rotating Friday/Saturday night, as I did not move 8 hours to spend every Saturday night alone.

Well, that hasn't happened for the last 3 weeks, and now he's just sprung on me that she has plans next Saturday night.

I am quite livid, especially with the recent cheating episode. (He hasn't told her, and won't, per my advice, because she'd probably have a breakdown, and I feel like I've handled it. Please don't judge.)

So, I am at the point where I feel like I need to put her in her place, that she can't just plan things every Saturday night, and assume that he will be there. It's not respectful to our relationship. I am also angry at him because he won't "put her in her place" essentially, and just tell her that she doesn't always get what she wants.

So in any case, I've ended up with a really shitty roster this weekend of Monday, Thursday, Friday.

Does anyone have any advice on how or whom I should talk about this with?

He keeps saying that it "just happens," but I feel there is more to it.

With regards to the cheating, am I being too easy to forgive him for his mistake? I really love him and want to make this work, but I feel so shitty.

 

[Magdlyn]

To put it simply, my poly partner cheated.
He has 2 girlfriends, me and another partner, and he slept with an ex a week ago. I caught him out, he confessed, is regretful and will have no contact with her in the immediate future, as she still wishes to be with him. It probably didn't help that he slept with her AGAIN, as it's been months and months.

I am devastated, and I feel like a hypocrite for being upset because I believe in poly and what we are doing. But I am just so upset and angry. I moved here 4 weeks ago to be with him, and he couldn't stop himself 3 weeks in. Any advice on how to deal?

Welcome to the board.

First of all, cheating on you and the other gf by having sex with an ex is not poly, it's just cheating. So you are not a hypocrite.

How long have you been in a relationship with this guy, long distance? How long has he been seeing the other gf? More than a year?

So my partner also has another partner, we have all been together the same amount of time, but she lived in the same place, whereas we did long distance and eventually decided to take it to the next level.

We get on okay, and I respect their relationship and time together.

When I moved we discussed how it would work and I thought only fair that he split his nights evenly as possible in a month with both of us.
But he and I work together, so most days we spent 8+ hours in the office together and although we aren't smooching.. its nice to be in the same place as someone I love.
So I agreed, FOR NOW, while she adjusts to sharing him more, because I live with him, that he has 4 nights with her and 3 with me.
I am not that unhappy or happy with the situation, just indifferent.
However, I wanted weekends to be split, as in rotating friday/saturday night, as I did not move 8 hours to spend every Saturday night alone.

Well that hasn't happened for the last 3 weeks, and now he's just sprung on me that she has plans next Saturday night.

I am quite livid...

Yes, I don't see why you three can't arrange to make sure you get two Saturday nights a month, and she gets two, if that is important to you.

especially with the recent cheating episode. He hasn't told her, and wont at my advice because she'd probably have a breakdown and i feel like I've handled it. Please don't judge,

No judgment, but if the other gf is as close to him as you are, why doesn't she have a right to know how her bf slipped? That's pretty huge. She has a right to know and deal with the idea he is untrustworthy to keep his cock in his pants.

I am at the point where I feel like I need to put her in her place, that she can't just plan things every Saturday night and assume that he will be there. It's not respectful to our relationship.
I am also angry at him because he wont "put her in her place" essentially and just tell her that she doesn't always get what she wants.

So in any case, I've ended up with a really shitty roster this weekend of Monday, Thursday, Friday.

"Putting her in her place" is a bit of an odd phrase. Does your bf spend the night with her when he sees her those four nights a week?

Does anyone have any advice on how or who I should talk about this with? He keeps saying that it "just happens" but I feel their is more to it.

Time-sharing arrangements are key in polyamory. It sounds like your bf is being dismissive of your desire for Saturday nights with him. But why wouldnt a Friday night be just as much fun as a Saturday night?

With regards to the cheating, am I being too easy to forgive him for his mistake? I really love him and want to make this work, but I feel so shitty.

Hard to say. Two gfs and, I assume, plenty of sex with you two, and he still gets tempted by and succumbs to an ex who still wants to be with him? What's up with that?

 

[zylya]

Maybe I'm misreading the situation, but I'm not seeing a whole load of communication going on here.

You ask us not to judge that you're telling your boyfriend to willingly conceal information from his other girlfriend, but then you get mad at her because she's taking a certain night. It just sounds like no one's talking to each other here, or that you're all going through the boyfriend, and he's not managing to get the right messages across.

Have you met this girl? Are you all actively communicating with each other? Does she know that you want Saturdays, or are you just hoping your boyfriend will sort it all out?

One of my personal "rules" in poly is that if I want communication expressed, then I express it myself. If you rely on other people to communicate for you, then messages get mixed and your interests aren't taken care of.

Also, what's so good about Saturday that isn't good about Friday?

 

[cagedbutterfly]

So confused.

Welcome to the board.

First of all, cheating on you and the other gf by having sex with an ex is not poly, it's just cheating. So you are not a hypocrite.

How long have you been in a relationship with this guy, long distance? How long has he been seeing the other gf? More than a year?

We've been together about 18 months, but it has only really gotten serious in the last 9 months. With lots of travelling back and forth.
I then decided for a number of reasons to move to the same state as him.

Yes, I don't see why you three can't arrange to make sure you get two Saturday nights a month, and she gets two, if that is important to you.

His other partner, W, more so tolerates the concept of what we are doing, rather than accepting and being understanding of the situation, if that makes sense. So decisions are made separately, not in a group.

No judgment, but if the other gf is as close to him as you are, why doesn't she have a right to know how her bf slipped? That's pretty huge. She has a right to know and deal with the idea he is untrustworthy to keep his cock in his pants.

To put it simply, she wouldn't cope. She tolerates the poly situation, but is not happy with it. I have a feeling he may tell her eventually, but he wanted to tell me from the moment that he did it. We just have more of an understanding in that way.

"Putting her in her place" is a bit of an odd phrase. Does your bf spend the night with her when he sees her those four nights a week?

It sounds like a negative phrase, I guess. But she was used to spending 6-7 nights a week with him for 18 months, as well, so now she's adjusting to getting four nights a week. In a way, he is unwilling to upset her by letting her know we have to have some kind of schedule to make it fair. And so yes, he does spend the four nights at her house, because we live together. Sometimes he stays the night at our place with her, and they have a bedroom, but it's only been used once or twice in the last few weeks.
[/QUOTE]

Time-sharing arrangements are key in polyamory. It sounds like your bf is being dismissive of your desire for Saturday nights with him. But why wouldn't a Friday night be just as much fun as a Saturday night?

I do believe he is being dismissive of my request, but at the same time he says he agrees with me about sharing weekends. The thing with Saturday vs Friday is we work long hours, so by Friday night, after a 40 hour+ week, we are tired and it's hard to plan things when all you want to do is veg out. By Saturday night we have recovered a bit and are up for doing more things.

Hard to say. Two gfs and, I assume, plenty of sex with you two, and he still gets tempted by and succumbs to an ex who still wants to be with him? What's up with that?

There is plenty of sex from my end. They also swing with other couples, so I guess plenty of sex in that scenario, but not a whole bunch of one-on-one sex. I am pissed he put himself in a situation where he would have sex with the ex, because if they had just met up for a drink, or gone to a movie, there would most likely be a whole lot less temptation.

In all honesty, I don't get it. He has begged me to stay, and promised he won't talk to this other girl, has told her that things are never going to happen, that he doesn't want anything more than a friendship. She again feels put aside and disregarded. I don't think that's something that will help her let go of the feelings she has for him. She feels entitled to him because she has known him longer than both W and I have. In a way, I think because of how much he has hurt her in the past, he feels like he owes her something? It wasn't just sex. I am aware of that, and I don't know which hurts more.

 

[cagedbutterfly]

Maybe I'm misreading the situation, but I'm not seeing a whole load of communication going on here.

You ask us not to judge that you're telling your boyfriend to willingly conceal information from his other girlfriend, but then you get mad at her because she's taking a certain night. It just sounds like no one's talking to each other here, or that you're all going through the boyfriend and he's not managing to get the right messages across.

Have you met this girl? Are you all actively communicating with each other? Does she know that you want Saturdays, or are you just hoping your boyfriend will sort it all out?

One of my personal "rules" in poly is that if I want communication expressed, then I express it myself. If you rely on other people to communicate for you, then messages get mixed and your interests aren't taken care of.

Also, what's so good about Saturday that isn't good about Friday?

To explain it simply, and how W has put it previously "I am not in a relationship with C, I am in a relationship with R, and that's who I will discuss my relationship with." She is not open to a whole lot of communication with me because she doesn't believe she should have to. We have met and spent time together, and normally it's all sunshine and rainbows, but our interactions are very superficial and I don't see us building any kind of great bond because we just aren't connected that way. We are very different.

I get what you're saying about not having to rely on my partner to communicate with her, but I just feel that if I brought the topic up with her, that she would get angry.

With regards to Friday vs Saturday, after working a 40-hour week we are tired. We get home quite late, which prevents us most of the time from having the desire to do anything. By Saturday we have recovered and are ready to go out and do something. I don't know. Most people say it's much of a muchness, but spending every Saturday night alone in a new town isn't fun.

 

[IndieSolo]

The first thing I notice is that you and W don't talk to each other. You let your bf be the go-between, and you get all info secondhand. I think things might get better if you two were communicating and the three of you were having get-togethers and regular meetings to discuss issues like this.

 

[Amitrye]

It sounds as though you are resentful of feeling like the secondary in the relationship. Are you the secondary or are you co-primaries? That may be something to work through in time.

NYCindie was right, btw. You and W should be spending some time together and communicating with each other, not just with him. Have you spent time talking to her?

I think it's good that you considered her feelings and gave her 4 nights a week, but understand also that if you resent considering her feelings and you bottle that up, you could say something you might regret.

She is a part of his life (as much as you are) and although in most instances I would say let them work through their issues together, this concerns both of you. I would suggest approaching her and talking to her about the many issues you all have. Tell her how you feel that she gets more or better quality time than you. Tell her that you know how hard this is for her. Thank her for being able to accept you in her life. Get to know her.

Most importantly, do NOT keep this secret from her.

Find time to sit down with the two of them and talk about this issue. How would you feel if you were in her shoes and didn't know? You would feel bad if she hid this from you. If nothing else, telling her yourself might build trust between the two of you.

 

[cagedbutterfly]

I wish I could tell her, I really do. But I can't. I didn't betray her trust, he did.

She was so confident that he would never cheat, so very very sure that he wouldn't do it. But he did. And don't I feel like it's my responsibility to break it to her. I don't think their relationship would survive, and I can't be the one to decide that by opening my mouth. I sound like a bitch, but I can't.

They both really struggle with the notion that their relationship dynamic affects me personally, and it affects my relationship with R.

Also, I responded to both the comments from earlier today, but they were moderated and haven't appeared. Is that supposed to happen?

 

[rosephase]

I have a few questions:

Are either you or W considered his “primary,” or are both of your relationships with him considered equal?

You knew that W was tolerating the idea of your relationship with him when you decided to move to a different state and move in with him?

Are you willing to be in a relationship with someone who hides information from his partners?

What are the future plans for these relationships (yours and your boyfriend's, your boyfriends and W's)? You live with your boyfriend now and he spend half of his nights with his other partner. Is that the plan in the future? Are any of you the marrying, having kids types?

When he had sex with his ex, did he use protection?

What are the safer sex agreements between the three of you?

What do you want this relationship to look like? Be honest-- would you rather he not be dating W? Would you rather be monogamous? Would you rather have 80% of his time?

Knowing what you want and would like out of the relationship is important in moving forward.

 

[cagedbutterfly]

W would consider herself the primary partner. R and I consider us to be equal. It's as though we let her think that to make her happy? I know it sounds bad.

Yes, I was aware she was tolerating the relationship. She wishes he would be monogamous, but understands that he is poly.

I don't like the idea that he hides things from his partners, no.

He already has kids (complicated situation... he doesn't see them). He doesn't wish to have any more children, and W believes that she doesn't want children either. I must note I am 24, W is 30 and R is 41. I want kids, and will have them eventually, either on my own, or with another partner.

The ex he had sex with is very strict with protection, so I assumed, but didn't ask.

No, we don't. Other than if they swing, they have protected sex with all parties.

With regards to what the relationship would look like, I would be lying if I said I rather he not be dating W, but not because I want him to myself. I don't believe she's the right fit for a poly relationship, and I believe she is changing or tolerating the situation, and in doing so, is altering her core belief system, and this is hurting her significantly. But at the same time, they love each other so much. That's not something I can deny. She accepts that I am here, and I am in it for the long haul, not just short term.

R knows she is not the right fit, and he is by no means forcing her to stay. She has left before, but in the last year, has never been gone for more than a few hours, total.

Ideally, I would like a more open and functional relationship with all parties. I don't need him more than 50% of the time, nor do I want that. I just want closer to 50%, if that makes sense.

I believed that my moving here, and us getting into this situation, would help to fill an emptiness and sadness he has inside his heart from not seeing his children. But I also partly believe things are more complicated now that I am here, and he didn't foresee all these issues and is struggling to deal with them.

He wanted to get away for the night, and from everything, and he cheated. Not that it's an excuse. I am still really really angry and disappointed.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's really too bad W is merely tolerating your relationship with your R. It seems to me this all should have been negotiated before you moved in with him! She was his local primary, you were a secondary in practice because of the LDR situation. Now she must feel like you moved onto her turf and feels threatened.

She was used to sleeping with him 7 nights a week, even though they didn't/don't live together. Now, here you are, in his house, sharing lives at work and at home, and she's kind of out of the loop, and getting a lot less time with him than she's used to. I don't blame her at all for feeling jealous and envious.

Second point: I concur with what other posters have said. YR cheated on both of you. Ethically, he has no choice but to tell her and deal with the fallout, her anger, whatever. He made a HUGE mistake, being new to having two local gfs and still fucking his ex! Plus he has swinger sex, as well! How much sex with different people does one guy need? Jeez.

He needs to man up and tell her. If I were you, I'd give him a deadline, tell her by such and such a time, or I will. He needs to get his poly principles and communication skills, and self awareness sorted out, and stat, before any of this is going to work.

If W can't do more than tolerate you, and is nowhere near to compersion for R's relationship with you, and is gonna freak that he cheated, she'd probably be better off with a more mono (or strictly swinger) guy, than she is with him.

Thanks for explaining about the benefits of the Saturday night date.

 

[AnnabelMore]

I'm not into doing stuff for someone's "own good," as in, "I'm breaking up with you for your own good," but I don't get why people stay with someone who brings so much drama and unhappiness into their life when the situation obviously just isn't right. He has a responsibility to end it if their relationship is so dysfunctional that he can't even bring himself to 1) acknowledge to her how important you are to him, 2) tell her the truth about his infidelity and ask forgiveness, and 3) say "no" when she asks for things that violate agreements he's made with you. This is not all on her, cheating aside, I see him as the one who's really messing up here. At 41, he should know better.

If I were you I would think long and hard about what kind of guy his actions have revealed him to be, not what kind if guy he presents himself as.

 

[Minxxa]

If I were you, I would think long and hard about what kind of guy his actions have revealed him to be, not what kind if guy he presents himself as.

I agree. And I think that a lot of people's drama could be relieved if everybody did this.

 

[rosephase]

I think you, all three of you, need to sit down and talk. It sounds like you guys aren't on the same page. And it sounds like you are assuming that R is leading W to believe they have a different relationship then he is telling you they have. My guess is he is doing the same to her about your relationship with him. It doesn't sound malicious on his part, just like he's trying to avoid hurting people in the short run, while being a coward. That is never going to work in a poly relationship.

What is happening is unfair to you and W. If you feel like this relationship is worth keeping, then I think it's time you insist on open lines of communication and at the very least, a meeting to talk about things like Saturdays, his cheating and safer sex practices. This is basic planning and safety, and whether W or R likes it, this is something that is needed if you are going to be a part of each other's lives.

 

[SNeacail]

I understand that she is not comfortable being friends with you, but the three of you still need to be able to coordinate your schedules. If exes that hate each other can do it when they share custody of a child, then certainly three adults can sit down once a month with a calendar and hammer out a schedule, where everyone gets a voice. Otherwise it's just a game of "telephone," and you women are feeling put out and slighted, and he is in the middle, being pulled in different directions, and can't please either of you.

 

[cagedbutterfly]

I wholeheartedly agree with all of you.

Ideally, I advised him not to tell her, because when I found out, I was just so hurt, and I didn't want anyone else to feel that. It wasn't my call to make, and I think I scared him into not telling her. How do I convince him now that it's the right thing to do?

He has kept things from her before, and they did end up coming out when he was upset and emotional. It took a long time for their relationship to regain any kind of strength at all.

W and R are both in therapy at the moment. It's meant to be together, but R doesn't like to go, because he feels like W and the psychologist just gang up on him, and tell him that he's wrong, what he's doing is wrong, and he shouldn't be doing it. This is with regards to the poly lifestyle that we are trying to live.

W is not down for schedules. I mean, like, when I brought up the idea of a schedule, she said, "I WILL NOT SCHEDULE TIME WITH MY PARTNER" in a big loud and scary voice. R and I believe this is the way to go, and planning will help to cause less pain and uncertainty. I am used to going weeks without seeing him. She is not. The longest they have ever been apart is, I guess, about 3 weeks in close to 2 years? I tried to explain that a schedule isn't something that has to be rigid and flexible, that, for example, if it's my night, and it's her mothers birthday, would I really kick up a stink? No, I wouldn't. And I would hope she wouldn't do the same.

I guess what W doesn't understand, in that scheduling events and functions every Saturday night for the last month, she is creating her own schedule and agenda.

With me not having any Saturday nights with him in the last month, she has not had any Friday nights with him. I am sure that's not a nice feeling either, to come home from a tiring and stressful working week, and have no one to curl up next to? Last Friday night, I assume she had a freak out, because I heard some firm discussions on the phone. Normally she takes a tone that is negative and accusing. R doesn't like to deal with this, so he will hang up until she calms down. I tend not to go into the specifics of their relationship dynamic because seeing them fight is the one thing that bothers me the most.

I dealt with my parents fighting my entire life, and they always would pull me into the middle. Although R and W don't pull me into the fights, normally, I am the reason for these arguments. It may be the way one of them is acting, but usually it's in relation to me and my presence.

I know that I should have thought more carefully about all of this before I packed up my life... but in a way, I didn't have a choice. I was VERY unhappy with my job. I was just about to be homeless, as the place I was living in had been sold. I am no longer close with my family as my mum died, and my dad has a new partner that I really don't like. So I did take a risk and move here. It was not done without consideration, but I suppose I didn't think carefully enough about the logistics of it all.

I wish I could talk more openly to W about my issues, but at the moment, it's going to have to be a "wait and see" scenario.

R goes to China in 12 days, for 2 weeks, so we will both be without him for a while. It just so happens he's leaving on a Sunday night, which means the Saturday night before then he will be at home with me. I am sure W will have a problem with this, but he tells me not to worry and that he is listening to what I am saying, that W can't be in control of planning everything to suit their relationship. I feel like I am invisible to her, and this is something that I can't change. I can't change her core beliefs or values.

I am angry that I sacrificed my one night a week. I told him the other day that this is not something that can continue for the duration of our relationship. W needs a certain period of time to adjust to the situation, but then things need to change.

With regards to the "How much sex does someone need?" comment, I can't agree more, but I don't think the cheating was really about the sex. This ex is moving back to where we live, and she asked if she could be a part of what we have going on. He said he would ask W. Her response was, "Um no... as in, no fucking way." At that time, he said he saw W's point of view on the situation, and that she had been around for a long time, and that in a way he felt like he owed it to her. I told him that by the sounds of things, he was going to do something if presented with the chance. Well, he did. He did exactly what I thought he would.

At this point, I don't really know what I can do. I didn't know much about V relationships, and primaries and secondaries, and all the different situations. I need to do some more reading, and see if I can come to peace with the decision I've made, and see if we can work through these issues, or call it a day.

 

[Minxxa]

I'm going to throw something out there, but feel free to disregard if it doesn't apply.

It really seems to me that W is not happy with a poly relationship. The fact that they're going to counseling, and W found a counselor that thinks poly is not a good choice, and she is agreeing with the counselor is pretty telling.

It's my very personal opinion that some people are just not going to be happy living in polyamorous arrangement, no matter how hard they try.

I think that people will often agree to a poly arrangement because they are in love with/in lust with/attached to a person, and that's what that person wants and is going to do, so it comes down to choosing to try to adapt to (or for some people "put up with") a poly relationship, or leave the person.

So now you're caught up in this situation where things aren't working smoothly for you, but you can't do the things you would normally do in a poly relationship to help the situation, sit down and talk it through with all parties, compromise. That has to be truly frustrating.

But here's another thing I'm seeing-- none of this is within your control. You can't decide how he's going to handle his relationship with W, you can't control how W is going to act or feel. All you can control is yourself.

So basically, you might want to start taking a good, hard, realistic look at your whole situation and see if you can live with it, or if you can live with it for certain period of time to see if it can improve, or if it's just not working for you.

 

[opalescent]

Whatever you decide, figure out how you can be independent. It sounds like you moved from one bad situation with your family right into another one. What can you do (from really small things, like saving pennies, to big things, like getting a degree in something) to make you independent financially? If you can support yourself, then you have many more options in life. I wish you the best.

 

[cagedbutterfly]

Minxxa
I agree with you. I don't think that W is ever going to be happy with a poly lifestyle. Other than her therapist, and ONE friend, just one, who HATES R with a passion because of it, knows about what we are doing.

She has such guilt and shame associated with her decision to stay with him.

I am confident she believes that, in time, my relationship with R will change and they will become mono. R hasn't been mono in 20 years, and although I don't agree with a lot of the things that he does/has done in the past, I don't believe he is built for mono relationships. I don't think they fulfill him.

My relationship with R may change, but I believe that we will always have a deep connection that will cross the boundaries of what W will deem acceptable. We don't intend to ever lose that connection, as it something that has helped us greatly throughout our lives, and continues to do so.

I think your feedback is right. I do need to see if I can accept this situation. I wrote R a letter (not ideal) and just told him that although it appeared like he was listening, he wasn't HEARING what I was saying. He wasn't able to process and hang on to the thought so that it might be used to more carefully consider me when planning things, and just saying "yes" to W all the time, because it's easier to hurt my feelings than hers.

Our relationship is stronger, despite the fact that they have been together in person a lot more of the time and seem to have scared a lot. Their relationship is still volatile.

At times, I don't know which is worse, the fact that R insists on following his desires and trying to live a poly lifestyle at W's expense, or the fact that W expects that R should be the one to solve all her problems and make the situation okay for her.

No one can change her level of acceptance towards the situation. She believes in marriage and everlasting LOVE. She was married for 10 years (and still is, technically) but was only separated and living on her own for 2 months when she met R. Her ex makes R seem like a godsend because he was emotionally abusive and controlling, and still is being this way at the moment.

Deep down, I believe that W has a fear of being alone, and that R knows how much W loves him, and isn't sure if he'll find someone to put up with what she is dealing with. I would love to point out to him, that I actually do, as well. haha.

Opalescent
With regards to me being independent, in a lot of ways, although I live and work with R. I am still very independent. I make good money and have been self-sufficient for a long time. If I choose to end my relationship with R, I don't think it will affect my work/home lifestyle that much. I would probably still continue to live and work with R, as it's in my best interest, financially.

I am in the process of paying down my debt, and at less than 25, I have a job that pays almost $70,000 dollars. I don't feel stuck as such. I am just frustrated. I thought we would have progressed more quickly.

In all fairness, it's only been a month. I feel I owe it to myself to at least try for a couple of months, to see if we can get more of a balance and have a more harmonious relationship.

 

[SNeacail]

W is not down for schedules. I mean, like, when I brought up the idea of a schedule she said, "I WILL NOT SCHEDULE TIME WITH MY PARTNER" in a big loud and scary voice.

Can you say 5-year old throwing a temper tantrum? This just makes me laugh. I've been married for 20 years (we are not poly yet) and if I didn't schedule time with my husband, I'd never see him. We have two kids, and are both actively involved with outside activities on top of the kids' activities, so we live by the calendar (as did my parents). I finally downloaded my husband's calendar onto my phone, so I could make sure things got on it.

What she is really saying is that she is putting up with a poly partner, but will do everything in her power to make things difficult for everyone else.