2 Issues

caragh87 said:
Opalescent
With regards to me being independent, in a lot of ways, although I live and work with R, I am still very independent. I make good money and have been self-sufficient for a long time. If I choose to end my relationship with R, I don't think it would affect my work/home lifestyle that much. I would probably still continue to live and work with R, as it's in my best interest financially. I am in the process of paying down my debt... I have a job that pays almost $70,000. I don't feel stuck, as such, I am just frustrated. I thought we would have progressed more quickly.
Click to expand...


Well, I am glad I misread the situation. From what you wrote, it seemed like you were really stuck. You may still be emotionally stuck, but that is a different animal, in some ways, from being financially dependent.

I'm also glad to hear about the good things you get from your relationship with R. I was having trouble figuring out why you were sticking with this relationship. A few months may help things along, that is true.
 
SNeacail , in a way, she is throwing a tantrum. Part of me wants to shake some sense into her, and the other part just feels sorry for her.
This is not what she chose. It was chosen for her. But she chooses to say.

R is a very busy guy, and he and W both travel, as well. This month has been kind to us, as he has not had an away trip. This will not be a common occurrence. Next year, it will be at least one week a month that he will be gone.

I wish that we could be more like a family. That is what I would like ideally, a group of people who love and respect each other and our separate relationships.

Unfortunately, most of the time I end up spending with both of them, I feel like the child in the situation, not because of my age, but because of the way the W treats me. She is very condescending, without being mean. She doesn't feel as though I am at all on her age or maturity level. In fact, the first time we met it was very very uncomfortable. She was clearly angry and upset. I made a stupid joke. It was childish. But the first thing she did when they were alone was say, "Really? Jokes like that???"

I must point out although she is 5 and a half years older than me, has been married and is well-travelled.

My life through the past 5 years has been hell. I lost my mother to cancer. I almost lost my dad to cancer as well, and then lost him to a new family. I really am not as immature and inexperienced in life as W believes I am.

She got married to a not very nice person when she was much younger than I am, so in a way, she is the one who has been sheltered. Not being on her own for more than 3 months in the last 15 years, to me, is huge. I wouldn't even have a chance to know who I am without have being single for so long.

R is, by nature, a very caring and loving person who likes to share his knowledge of things. She sees this as him babying me. I see it as how he likes to teach me things. And when she flies off the handle and is angry about who knows what, he speaks to her like she is a child and she doesn't like it. lol But it is one of the many aspects of our relationship that she doesn't understand.

When we are all together, she believes that she gets to sleep next to him. So when we had a family gathering (my first one), R and I had to change our whole plan. They drove down together, and I followed in his car. We then had the night together. It wasn't that bad or unpleasant, but I slept on my own, and so felt very "out" for the weekend.

It's even simple things. She doesn't like me sitting next to him. She looks like she wants to vomit when he kisses me goodbye.

I understand this is hard for her. If anyone gets it, I DO. I know what it's like to be without him more than anyone does. But I think she sees me as her enemy.

I must say, it feels good to get all of this out. I guess I am bitching about her. I can't talk to anyone about this, because although all my friends and family know of the situation, they can't really understand. It's just, "Well, leave him and you won't have to put up with her." Ahh yes, my friends, but then I will be without him, which is something that I don't know that I am ready for.

And one thing R will not tolerate is negative feelings from W or me about each other. He doesn't feel it's constructive.


Opalescent, despite his shortcomings, R is a good person who has done more for me than most. Emotionally, I would stay I am a bit stuck with him, but I think there may come a time when we decide to part ways, in terms of a relationship, but we will always be close.

I don't essentially believe in soul mates, but I believe that you have many great loves in your lifetime, and he is one of my great loves. Maybe not the greatest of all, but he is a huge part of my story. He was there for me when no one else was, and he believes in me more than anyone else, even paying for me to start a course to further my education that I couldn't at the time, because of my situation.

This forum rocks!
 
caragh87 said:
I must say it feels good to get all of this out. I can't talk to anyone about this, because although all my friends and family know of the situation, they can't really understand.
Click to expand...

You might want to start a thread in the blog section. It does help to be able to vent sometimes, as well as put things down in writing and get some feedback. Good luck.
 
Last edited:
I think most of us would prefer a group where the loves and metamours can get along, hang out and be on the same team.

Unfortunately, that actually requires some effort to choose partners that are healthy, open to polyamory, good communicators, secure in their own lives and needs, and able to see each other's points of view. Or someone willing to work and learn how to do and be these things.

I know you can't choose whom you love. But you can choose whom you enter a relationship with.

I'm speaking more in general here, not really directing anything at you.
 
It sounds like R has a hard time with boundaries. He's 41, you're 25, W is 30. I don't know how old his ex is. But let me guess, she's younger too. Plus, he's having swinger sex.

It sounds like he's in the throes of enjoying sex in multiple places, with younger attractive women. He's perhaps drunk on that, and therefore thinking with his penis, not his bigger head.

R needs to start being firm about establishing boundaries, of time management, but also of respect. He's not respecting anyone here, just placating whichever woman he is with at the time.

For W to yell, "I am not going to schedule dates," is at best, shortsighted, and at worst, childish. You're being reasonable, to want two Saturday nights a week, but flexible enough that if something special comes along, you'd give up your night.

I even feel kind of bad for R, having to spend every night with one or the other of you. When does he get a night off to just chill, or see other friends, pursue hobbies, etc.?

I am truly sorry W isn't on board with his poly nature, and really wishes for a mono relationship. Obviously, she is not going to get it, so I hope she comes to understand (with R's help) that she either has to become more reasonable about sharing him, or go get herself a mono man. Simple, really.
 
Magdlyn said:
I am truly sorry W isn't on board with his poly nature, and really wishes for a mono relationship. Obviously she is not going to get it, so I hope she comes to understand (with R's help) that she either has to become more reasonable about sharing him, or go get herself a mono man. Simple, really.
Click to expand...


I wonder how much R is helping to foster the illusion that things may work out with him and W? If he truly is just placating whichever woman he is with at the time (throwing the other person's needs under the bus to do it), and at the same time off at various other times doing whatever he wants with other women, then it really seems he may just be doing or saying whatever he needs to at the moment to keep things HE wants.

I think that if he were really thoughtful, respectful and loving, then if he sees that W is really not ever going to be happy with a poly relationship, and he is never going to be monogamous, he owes it to her (and to himself, really) to be honest to her in that regard. It's not helping her if he keeps juggling things, trying to please her, because it is fostering the illusion that it's not HIM that's the problem-- it's the rest of the women in his life.

It just seems very selfish. He wants you, he wants her, he wants to do whatever he wants with anyone else. When do the wants and needs of the women in his life come into play?

I think if you're really being loving and respectful, you have to know when staying in a relationship with somebody is harmful to THEM-- and let them go, so that they can find someone who can give them what they need and want. Keeping them around because it makes YOU happy is kinda shitty.
 
A Thought

Caragh87,

I had a thought. See how it sits with you, and use or not, as you wish.

W is certainly difficult to deal with. I see she has had abusive relationships in the past. And it sounds like R is telling you, her and maybe even himself what he thinks they want to hear, rather than what is going on.

I see R has been there for you during some difficult times, and he deserves props for that. But he has not been acting very trustworthy to you or W lately. Maybe this is a passing situation, and once all involved talk and come to some agreements, he will act as someone worthy of trust.

But it strikes me that W may be reacting the way she is in part because she feels the lack of trust from R. Being with someone who is not trustworthy can make one crazy. Of course, she is still responsible for her behavior. Perhaps this may help frame how you deal with her. I wish you the best.
 
I think once I'm thinking more clearly I will show him this thread.

I have started a blog to get out all my feelings.

W is not a bad person, and she does seem to be becoming more reasonable. But she's clearly not happy with the situation overall. She isn't mean to me as such, or even not nice. I don't know. It's hard to describe.

At first she was treating me like the girl her boyfriend cheated with, then she was treating me like the person that her boyfriend was still cheating with, but she was willing to put up with it. But she still would point out that basically, I was the whore, and I was ruining their relationship.

Now she treats me as though I am just there... a fixture in their lives, until I am not anymore.

I try to be as considerate as possible. We were all at our place last night and I went to bed super early so they could have time alone, even though I wasn't tired.

I try, I do try with everything I do.

I am trying to understand if I can ever trust R again. Right now, it's looking like I can't.
 
I am really really struggling. I know that the chance of me ever being able to trust R again is slim. I know that he doesn't really deserve my trust or forgiveness, but I also know that I love him.

I don't know HOW I could trust him, so I thought I would ask the one other person who might be able to help me understand how it's possible. So I asked W. This was her response: "I trust him, no question. I don't know how I got past the mistrust. Wish I could give you some magic advice, but it's probably an individual thing. For me, it just happened, and I was able to make peace with it somehow."

I don't know what troubled me more, her unwavering forgiveness, or the fact that he actually did fuck up. God, if I told her he cheated, she probably wouldn't believe me. Telling her would break her heart, but not telling her is breaking my heart.

I can't make sense of anything anymore, and it's his fault.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top