A bit unnerved-- open marriage/affair

H

HCgirl78

New member
My husband and I now have a name for what we are. We discussed our love for each other and our family unit, but our desire to seek out other partners, for well over a year before we actually acted on it.

I am currently in an ongoing relationship with a friend who struggled to understand my lifestyle choices, but the fact that he put a lot of thought into it before starting anything with me meant a lot.

He is my third partner since we opened our marriage. The first two basically were one-night stands, as the first could not handle things, and the second found a mono relationship and cut ties with me.

My husband has struggled to find someone. We live in a very small town, so he used dating sites. He found a woman, and they talked for quite awhile online before meeting and having a sexual encounter. Once again, she couldn't handle that he was married but that it was okay. She had been a mistress once, and the wife found out and hunted her down.

So now, as I type this, my husband is out meeting a potential ongoing friend with benefits. I've had some concerns, and tried to express them. He's listened, but continues on. She is married, has a bf already on the side, but her husband is in the dark about anything. She has a lot of questions, which is good. She has said she is envious of our open marriage. She is very unhappy in her marriage.

I am really uncomfortable with the fact she is married and hiding this. It could blow up and be so bad. I voiced my concerns to my husband and he said he did have some concerns, but not enough to back off. He enjoys exchanging texts and emails with her and was really looking forward to meeting her. I just worry that her affairs will come out and then we will be pulled into things, of her running to him sobbing over her husband's reaction (she says he is very jealous and protective), or even the husband tracking mine down somehow. I am not wrong in my thinking, right? I mean, he did call off meeting another woman before, because she was married, not open, cheating.

I would just really like to be able to find someone that is either single and can handle our life choices, or that is in an open marriage. Our marriage is very happy, and it makes me sick to think of wrecking someone else's marriage, especially when there are kids involved.

I told him she is to know nothing about us. I don't want her to know where he works, our kids' names or ages, my name, or anything that could turn around and bite us.

We live a very quiet life. We have no one but each other to talk to about our poly life. So I am glad to have found a place I can talk about this.

He has sent a message that he is on his way home. I guess I will hear how things went.
 
HCgirl78 said:
I am really uncomfortable with the fact she is married and hiding this. It could blow up and be so bad.
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You should be. It will. Your husband is cheating with this woman. Even if you know about it, her husband doesn't, so it is cheating.

I know other people on here will have more to say about this.


Do a tag search for "cheating" and "affair". Quite a few people come on here with the exact same situation as yours. I know you said you feel alone and like no one can relate to your situation but it is far from unique. Try to avail yourself of the benefit of other people's experiences.
 
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I feel your pain. I recently met... cripes, it's even hard to say: my wife's boyfriend's wife.

I'm interested to see how both our situations unfold, and how he relayed how it went when he got home.
 
I know I won't feel so alone now that I found this forum.

I would be fine with it if she would talk to her husband, and then the marriage either ended, or he allowed a relationship similar to ours. I would say she is probably staying for the kids, which is so wrong. Kids are not dumb and will pick up on things.

I feel bad for my husband, as I know he has such a hard time meeting a woman he could be with and is frustrated that as a woman I had an easy time... well, for the most part.

I will search the forums a bit more while I wait for him to come home.
 
So he is home. He made it very clear to her our concerns (more mine, it seems) that she is married, that she is secondary, that our life, our family are FIRST.

She understands that and doesn't want to change her life. She said that she has had 8 affairs in the last 10 years (or something like that) and has never been caught, as her job is ideal, that she can just say she has to step out of the office for a few hours.

I still don't like it. It feels like he is trying to justify having a relationship with her on the fact that she has gotten away with it for so long. I want him to find an ongoing relationship, and hate seeing him struggle, but I am just really unsure of this whether she believes she won't be caught or not.
 
I guess I'm wondering if your only concern is the complications if they get caught.

In my similar situation, I'm really not hugely worried about that. Frankly, if they get caught, it's because they screwed up and deserve it. It's more of "accomplice guilt" that I have issue with.
 
Ygirl, he did tell me that if I wanted it to stop, then he wouldn't see her again. But at the same time, I can't say no 100%, because I feel bad about it. Does that make sense? I basically told him that although previously I liked to hear all about his time away, this time if he did continue with her that I wouldn't want to know anything other than when he arrives where they meet and when he leaves.

Yes, Dazed, my biggest concern is them getting caught, her marriage then falling apart, and her trying to claim more ownership over my husband, which is not how we have our relationship work.
 
Well it's your life, but if I had a farm, I'd bet it that I know what redpepper will say to this.

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth, though, just so you know. First you say all this stuff about your kids and safety and what if the husband find out and comes after your family, and then you turned around and say that you're not 100% because YOU feel "bad".

It's obvious to me that your gut has already told you that this is not a tenable situation, and you are allowing doubt to be planted against your better judgment.

We have to be true to ourselves because we can't escape from or avoid ourselves the way we can with other people. That's "we" the "royal" we, not "we" as referencing any particular individual(s) on this forum.

I read these stories and think "I hope this never happens to me".
 
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Let me elaborate why I feel bad, or more so like a bitch. I have had more partners than my husband my whole life, not just since we opened our marriage. He lets the numbers bother him. He has had one encounter since we opened our marriage in November, and she in turn after that night said she couldn't take our lifestyle choices and cut all ties. On the other hand, I've had to weed through messages while watching him be frustrated that no one can get our relationship and what we are looking for. I want him to have the enjoyment I do when I am out with my bf, not the frustration he has had since day 1.

We are in a small town, so it's not that easy to find someone that even shares our thoughts.

He says he will tell her he can't see her again, and just wait for another woman to come along. I am still processing at this point and said we'll talk later tonight.

I don't want to hold him back from someone he has already developed such a connection with, but at the same time, I am unsure of the affair on her side. I don't foresee it really affecting my home or family as much as it would hers. He feels a single woman would be more dangerous to pursue, and he has yet to find a woman that is in a open relationship, as well.

I have made sure she has very few details about us. She only knows his first name, not my name, anything about our kids, where we live or where he works. She offered him a business card today, which he refused. He said no last names, as he knows I am still undecided about things, and the less info shared the better right now.

Yes, I am arguing with myself. I get that.

This seems like it could be ongoing, unlike his last time, so I have more to process being on the end that he goes out because at this point only I have (except his one night) and this is all still very new to us despite talking about it for a long time before we acted on it. It is a new thing to process, as things are actually happening, than when we were just talking about it.

I guess I should also add the extent of our relationship. We are open marriage with casual sex, although I am finding that I do care for my current ongoing man in my life more than I thought I would, and am struggling myself as I adjust to things and put things into perspective. We have agreed to safer sex with others, preferably ongoing, and that if things were to become emotional/loving, we'd need to talk about things and see if things should continue.
 
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Depth does not come without last names, etc. How can that be? That's just BS, if you ask me.

Yeah, you have every right to put your foot down and say absolutely not. Your whole entire family will get pulled into a whirlwind of drama, bad energy and just plain ol' negativity. Why? Because your husband is impatient and can't tell the difference anymore between a real opportunity and the devil herself.

I don't care what her story is. There is no reason for her to stay in her marriage at all. She has destroyed just as much as he has, even if her reason to stray is that he beats her every night, I think. Cheating is just as bad to me. It destroys the fabric of our trust of another. I would wager that it will destroy trust in your relationship too, if he does this.

Casual relationships are much better pure and with integrity, I have learned. This will never have any of that. All he will get is the chance to fuck someone the whole town has fucked, by the sounds of it.

I'm sorry I am coming across so strongly. If you have done a search and read anything about my opinion on this and my history with it, you will see why.

I'm sorry if my calling this woman the devil herself offends. (My partner is sitting beside me, telling me that is a strong word. He's Catholic. Perhaps it's stronger for some.) I just really feel strongly that anyone who thinks ten years of affairs is something to be proud of, and is cheating on a husband, a family, a boyfriend and herself is just completely lost.

I would run. I would run very fast and never respond again, with anything more than you feel sorry for her and think she really should check her values.
 
I had written a note before I read your reply, Redpepper, but I feel it's the same page. I thought about this all afternoon, consumed with it while he slept. (He's on midnight shift.) This is my note to him to go over when he gets up from his nap before he heads to work.

"I feel as long as she's lying to her husband/family, that you should email her and say that if she ever comes clean about her secret life to her husband, and they either divorce or change to a poly relationship, then you regrettably have to cut contact with her. He may not know at this point, but in good conscience you cannot be with her in any way, no text or emails. Do you really want to be one of 9 that helped destroy her marriage and hurt her kids?

She is obviously unhappy for many years in her life, and you shouldn't be part of the complications that allow her to think this is ok to do. She should talk to her husband about her desires and how she feels in their marriage now. Maybe they will divorce. Maybe they will open up and find a life they enjoy together and apart as we do. He may not react like you did, but she won't know until she TALKS to him!!

So at this point, I feel all contact should end. But if her relationship status did change, I would be okay with her contacting you and revisiting the idea. Still no guarantee I would agree to her as a partner. I would really prefer a person or persons that we could hang out with at all times with our families, but have our side perks kept discreet.

I am sorry I feel this way, but nothing will change it. What we have is different. It is not an AFFAIR.

We wouldn't be the couple we are without our trust, openness and honesty. So here I am putting it all out there.

You will find a woman that suits our lifestyle and is okay with it. Yes, it could take time, but I am here along the way. I just feel that continuing on with her goes against all we believe and stand for in our home."

So now to wait till he reads it. But I think I got everything across I wanted to. I know he won't go against my wishes and will not pursue her any further. But I still want to hear his thoughts. Then I want to read his goodbye email, which I offered to help write, as well.

Thank you for the blunt and honest replies. They are what I wanted and expected when I came here, not a sugarcoated reply. That is not my style. Be real and make me see all sides, as sometimes I know I don't. So thank you!
 
Good for you! Sounds like you have your head on straight. I hope he thanks you for that later. :)

Bluntness is fine, as a dose of reality is helpful sometimes. The trick is to keep it respectful (hard to do on this topic for me).

Mono and I had yet another long talk about it. It's always a journey.

If your husband wants any further reassurance that the best course is as you laid it out, there is certainly lots to read on here. Yours is not an uncommon thread.
 
I agree, you might want to invite your husband to read here. He doesn't have to register to read.

You should also check out xeromag.com. Lots of good stuff on there.
 
Thanks, Ygirl. I will check that out.

Now, any tips for his online profile that could help us seek out what we are really wanting, and not finding women who are hiding affairs, or just don't handle our lifestyle well? Or actually any tips at all?

I am ready to kick him out of the house once in awhile, just to go to a club and see if he comes across a woman that way, rather than online.

He's dealt with bots too, that try to get you to sign up to different sites. He blocks those quick, but it only adds to his frustration. I am starting to feel frustrated for him, as well.
 
Hmm... This forum is not typically lucrative when it comes to personal ads. I've been on here for over a year and I just responded to one in my area for the first time!

Are you on OK Cupid? I'm not, but it does come highly recommended around here.

Having said that, I want to tell you how I personally feel about "all this":

Polyamory and "alternative lifestyles" are all just grooovy (with 3 o's), but consider yourself extremely fortunate that you have ONE good relationship, which is a more than a lot of people have. Every day I am thankful for my husband, and if that is all I get for the rest of my life, I will have nothing to be sorry for.
 
I have found on our journey that the best way to find suitable partners is to find like-minded people, and that only happened when we started talking to our friends and others about what we wanted to accomplish. I was amazed at who supported our idea and who didn't. Now I have a community of responsible non-monogamous people around me. Everyone is in it from swingers to poly-fi. Older, younger, different gender identifications and abilities. We all hang out together or separately because we found each other to have similar values. I met them on dating sites and we decided to start a community.

There is no reason to be alone. I started a women's group because I wasn't getting my need met to have female friends to talk with about my relationships. I have friends on here now, too. I have arranged to meet several forum friends now who are in my area. It starts to come together when I open my heart to what's beyond just hooking up. Its a whole lifestyle change to find something decent and lasting with others.

I would be inclined to be your friend on FB as a start. I'm very discreet on there. Who knows what paths many cross as a result? It's all about getting out there and seeing where it goes. (I'm not available as a partner, however, as I am more than satisfied with my lovelies.)
 
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OKCupid is turning up some interesting prospects for me.

Your husband is letting the fact he's having a hard time finding someone blind him to the fact that she's not being honest in her marriage. I mean you said yourself he'd already shot down someone else for being married and not honest.

Kudos to you for being honest with yourself and with him and setting him straight.
 
Well, his email is sent to her, asking that unless her status changes to not contact him; that being with her further just goes against what he believes.

We had a good talk. I feel much better knowing I don't have to deal with her. But at the same time, I'm sad that she lives such a lie to her husband and kids. I don't get why someone would want to live so unhappily.
 
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