A different kind of jealousy - please help.

[learningpoly]

Ok, so I've read a ton of poly articles on jealousy, and they all say it's based on fear and insecurity. Mine isn't. It's just my pride that hurts.

I've been talking to this one girl, for a few months. Neither of us is interested in poly, but she's seeing other people still. At first I didn't care that she was playing the field, but now that I actually like her it's is a blow to my ego.

Plus, it kills me to know that she's kissed the other dudes, and and in less dates than me! (That's what REALLY got under my skin.)

How do you guys deal with this?! My visceral reaction is to drop her and tell her not to talk to me until she's done with them, but I feel like I may be giving this more power than it deserved due to the brainwashing of a monogamous culture.

So again, I ask you - how do you deal with this?! Make the pain stop. T_T"

Oh, also - there's a HUGE imbalance of power in these things. As in, it's exponentially easier for a woman to get laid than for a man... how do you deal with this too?!

 

[Dagferi]

First of all, if you haven't had a discussion about being exclusive, then you have no right getting your panties in a wad. It is called dating. Until she makes a specific promise to you to be exclusive, you have no right to be upset by what she does with others.

Next, just because someone is seeing someone doesn't mean they are sleeping with them. Just because poly people often have relationships with more than one person doesn't mean we sleep around. I have had 2 partners sexually since 2001. I have have dated a lot more men than that. Doesn't mean I slept with them.

 

[BoringGuy]

I think you should let her go. You'll be doing her a huge favor.

 

[Cleo]

I would say, that hurt pride, and the fact that it hurts you that she kissed other guys sooner than she kissed you, ARE in fact signs of insecurity and fear - and not a different kind of jealousy, at all.

If her 'playing the field' makes you jealous, it's up to you to decide if you want to accept her behavior, work on your jealousy issues, or walk away.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

It sounds to me like you don't want to be, or aren't actually poly.

My partners' encounters with their other partners only bother me if I dislike or don't respect the other person, and even then it's a quick twinge and I realize I'm being ridiculous.

If the physical actions with others cause you this much stress, this sounds like monogamy.

 

[SNeacail]

Kudos for doing the work to recognize a problem and learn about new relationship dynamics.

Are you super competitive on the whole? When you go out and play basketball (or any sport) with the guys, how do you react to those that play better than you? Do you see their skill and plan on how to use it toward the team's advantage, or do you find ways to show them up or sabotage them? Do you get pissy and grouchy when you or your team doesn't win? Keep in mind, that this is a relationship between you and her, NOT a competition to see who can score faster, longer, etc.

 

[Marcus]

It's not insecurity... it's sensitive pride

I would say, that hurt pride, and the fact that it hurts you that she kissed other guys sooner than she kissed you, ARE in fact signs of insecurity and fear - and not a different kind of jealousy, at all.

I chuckled when I saw the title of the thread.

First of all, if you haven't had a discussion about being exclusive, then you have no right getting your panties in a wad. It is called dating. Until she makes a specific promise to you to be exclusive, then you have no right to be upset by what she does with others.

Agreed.

OP, have the two of you discussed sexual exclusivity? It sounds like you want her to be monogamous with you, but she's not interested in "settling down" (at least not currently). However, if you two haven't talked about it, you are just using your imagination, and making yourself crazy in the meantime.

And I mean talk about it, explicitly... no hinting and guessing. This way you can start dealing with your insecurities.

 

[learningpoly]

Kudos for doing the work to recognize a problem and learning about new relationship dynamics. Are you super competitive on the whole? When you go out and play basketball (or any sport) with the guys, how do you react to those that play better than you? Do you see their skill and plan on how to use it toward the team's advantage, or do you find ways to show them up or sabotage them? Do you get pissy and grouchy when you or your team doesn't win? Keep in mind, that this is a relationship between you and her, not a competition to see who can score faster, longer, etc.

Thank you. This has been the most constructive answer thus far. I really put a lot of thought into what exactly it was that was bothering me.

And yes, we've explicitly talked about dating. We're not there yet, but we both know that's where we're headed, but it's hard for me to take her seriously like this.

I don't want to be jealous and overbearing, which is why I'm asking you guys for advice. I recognize jealousy is not an argument, but merely a feeling, so I am really making an effort. That's why I'm here. Cut me some slack.

 

[Flear]

I'm jumping ahead here. Yes, women can get laid far more easily by other/additional guys as compared to guys getting laid by more women. That doesn't mean she was interested in just getting laid. A lot of guys out there, all they're interested in is getting laid, and will do whatever it takes to find as many women as they can, no commitment, no interest beyond that.

Women have an easier time getting laid, but women have as hard a time finding someone that will care about them, as they have to weed through the garbage first. At least, this is what I'm seeing my lady go through, and it sucks. She deserves better.

 

[SNeacail]

I don't want to be jealous and overbearing, which is why I'm asking you guys for advice. I recognize jealousy is not an argument, but merely a feeling, so I am really making an effort. That's why I'm here. Cut me some slack.

I think what some of the others are trying to say is that it's okay if this type of dynamic isn't for you. Accepting that this may be too stressful for you is part of the process of solving your problem. It is an option to consider and keep in mind while working on your jealousy, insecurities, pride, etc. Being able to respect polyamory in theory is easy and just a first step. Actually being able to deal with the reality up close and personal is a whole different ball game. Just don't use it as an excuse to not work on your issues.

 

[Magdlyn]

You say you've been "talking" to this woman. Online, or have you met in person?

You say you've been talking about dating each other. So, you're interested in her, you like her (like like, as in romantic interest) but she's still seeing others as you make up your mind whether you can take the idea she won't be exclusive with you, at least at this time?

So, you need to wrap your mind around being one of many. Welcome to being a mono in a poly world! Yes, you're jealous, you're confused, you feel rudderless.

It's up to you to decide whether you want a woman who is capable of loving more than one. You gotta get your heart, head and dick all on the same page.

Read around this board, read other poly websites, read our Golden Nuggets list, find the booklist and read the books on it. Learn from others' experiences. And good luck.

 

[Marcus]

There's a HUGE imbalance of power in these things, as in, it's exponentially easier for a woman to get laid than for a man. How do you deal with this??

I'm not sure I understand the nature of this question. If you are not in favor of "playing the field" why would you want to be better at it?

We've explicitly talked about dating. We're not there yet, but we both know that's where we're headed.

So you've talked about being exclusive? And both agree that at some later date you will become a monogamous couple?

For now though, she has no interest in changing her dating habits and intends to continue seeing other people until this theoretical monogamy phase kicks in?

Even though you strongly suspect that you'll get what you want (a monogamous girlfriend) out of her at some point, you are having no luck in dealing with her decision to keep banging a bunch of other dudes in the meantime.

Did I get it?

You could:

1. Learn to deal with your insecurities until she decides to be exclusive with you, or​

2. Break it off because you don't want to date a person who is not exclusive with you.​

 

[learningpoly]

If you are not in favor of "playing the field" why would you want to be better at it?

So you've talked about being exclusive, and both agree that at some later date you will become a monogamous couple?

For now though, she has no interest in changing her dating habits and intends to continue seeing other people until this theoretical monogamy phase kicks in?

Even though you strongly suspect that you'll get what you want (a monogamous girlfriend) out of her at some point, you are having no luck in dealing with her decision to keep banging a bunch of other dudes in the meantime.

Did I get it? You could:

1. Learn to deal with your insecurities until she decides to be exclusive with you, or​

2. Break it off because you don't want to date a person who is not exclusive with you.​

Yup. You nailed it. Solution #2 works. Thanks!

 

[Ariakas]

Plus, it kills me to know that she's kissed the other dudes, and and in less dates than me! That's what REALLY got under my skin.

Maybe they went in for it first faster than what you do? Confidence is key.

How do you guys deal with this?! My visceral reaction is to drop her and tell her not to talk to me until she's done with them, but I feel like I may be giving this more power than it deserved due to the brainwashing of a monogamous culture.

That's passive aggressive and not cool. Her doing this doesn't mean she's non-monogamous. Maybe she just isn't going "steady" with you. Sounds like you guys were dating.

There's a HUGE imbalance of power in these things. As in, it's exponentially easier for a woman to get laid than for a man. How do you deal with this??

No, there really isn't. Confidence, knowing what you want and not settling will get you laid. Both genders. (Although settling will get you laid too, but for all the wrong reasons, and exponentially make you more unattractive to the people you really want.)