A friends husband

Q

quirkyandkind

New member
So, this is a bit of a high-level story as to what ultimately led me to finding this site.

A close friend of mine has been married for many years. I have become very close with her family. Her husband and I have also established a close connection and bond. We are very much alike in our personalities, likes, dislikes and many more commonalities.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago. My friend approached me and had a conversation with me about them considering an ENM/polyamorous lifestyle. She entrusted me to consider being a partner to her husband. She spoke about how we already have a great connection and she shared that her husband finds me very attractive. That feeling is very mutual.

This took me by surprise. Admittedly, I thought she was joking at first, but over time it is clear that this is very real.

Being new to all of this, I don’t even know where to begin, what to think, what to do, what not to do, a million and a half questions running through my brain.

This was probably a very short and perhaps too high-level intro to my ‘reason for being here’ but am open to questions, advice and anything you are willing to offer!
 
Hello quirkyandkind,

It sounds like there is an open door between you and a relationship with your friend's husband. All that remains is for you to decide whether to walk through that doorway. It seems that in order to make that decision, you need to know more about what you can expect from a poly dynamic, you need to know more about poly in general. There is a book that may help you, it is called "Opening Up" and is authored by Tristan Taormino. In the meantime, you should take advantage of this forum as much as you can. Ask your questions, or if there's a million of them, just start by asking a few. There is a lot you may expect from poly, and it can differ a lot from one polycule to the next as each person is unique.

It sounds like your friend and her husband are, much like you, new to the idea of poly and are just getting started with it. As sincere as they are about wanting to bring you into their family, they may encounter reservations once you have joined with them. Jealousy can arise, it's not just monogamists who get jealous, polyamorists have to learn how to manage jealousy. NRE usually arises, for example the husband could have NRE for you and this could lead to him unwittingly neglecting his wife. She might be left with the unfortunate task of reminding him that she is still there, and still needs his affection and attention. It happens a lot, and is something you wouldn't encounter in monogamy.

I don't mean to make it sound like polyamory is a terrible unpleasant thing, I just mean that there are challenges and work. Usually it's worth the effort you put into it, but you must be constantly vigilant about the obstacles that may arise, and this is why I would counsel you to be super active on this forum. Don't consider your work here to be done until you have asked all one million of the questions you have -- and more questions will probably arise for you as you experience what it's actually like to be in a poly relationship. One thing to keep in mind is that the three of you will need to be very open and transparent with each other, and communicate a lot. It sounds like you will probably have a kitchen table setup.

Just some thoughts for starters,
Kevin T.
 
Are you currently single?

If you imagine your love life 10 years in the future, what is the picture you see? Do you dream about getting married and having a family of your own? Where would you like to live? Would that relationship with your primary partner be non-monogamous in any way?

How does that compare to the vision of, I imagine, moving in with them, or next door to them, and staying put there? Would it be something you could be genuinely happy with? If you want a child, are they prepared for that? Is this even supposed to be a serious relationship, or not?

None of the introductory texts to poly will emphasise one drawback enough: It's so hard to move a polycule. It's hard to shift its dynamics once it is set. It's hard enough to change lifestyles as a couple, much harder to do it as an established "V". Three jobs, three families of origin, three different visions. It's the reason I would not enter polyamory again.

If your visions for life align now, great. You may enjoy the community aspect. If not, you either have to treat this lightly (which is much easier said than done when NRE kicks in and you're "in love"), or you're in for heartbreak.

Don't count on finding a "primary" later. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but you'd narrow your pool a lot. You enter this, and either it stays casual (doesn't sound like the setting here), or it starts getting serious, then blows up, or you stay together for the long haul. So you have to make sure the long-term visions make sense.
 
Why do you think your friend is offering you her husband? Is she enthusiastically poly, and experienced at poly, and thinks you'd be a great partner for him, and wants you as part of her family? Or is she less enthusiastically poly, they are newbies, you're an experiment, and she hopes kitchen-table-poly with a friend would be less jealousy-inducing and easier to control than him dating a stranger?

Is she a very close friend, as in, would you suffer if you lost her, if your relationship with her husband fell apart and you had to keep your distance, or if you and she started to view each other as competition?

There are plenty of men out there to date, men who don't come with a wife, family and all the responsibilities that entails. Is it worth it to you to get with THIS man? What does he really have to offer you as a partner, and is it enough?

Are you ok with the fact that if you date your friend's husband, you miss out on being someone's one-and-only because now you have to poly-date, which generally means means men/women who are monogamous will not want to date you?

Only you know what's best for you. At the end of the day, this couple will *probably* stay together, even if you end up losing both of them. In the meantime, go slow, ask A LOT of questions, and be prepared to lose them both if it doesn't work out.
 
LoveBunny said:
Why do you think your friend is offering you her husband? Is she enthusiastically poly, and experienced at poly, and thinks you'd be a great partner for him, and wants you as part of her family?
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I think it is genuinely due to an enthusiasm they have for this and because she has seen her husband and me establish a close connection over the years. There was also always an unspoken, until now, mutual attraction. It feels very sincere and the conversations we’ve had make it feel right. There is incredible transparency and honesty between us all.
LoveBunny said:
Or is she less enthusiastically poly, they are newbies, you're an experiment, and she hopes kitchen-table-poly with a friend would be less jealousy-inducing and easier to control than him dating a stranger?

Is she a very close friend, as in, would you suffer if you lost her, if your relationship with her husband fell apart and you had to keep your distance, or if you and she started to view each other as competition?
Click to expand...
Yes, we are very close friends, as am I and her husband.
LoveBunny said:
There are plenty of men out there to date, men who don't come with a wife, family and all the responsibilities that entails. Is it worth it to you to get with THIS man? What does he really have to offer you as a partner, and is it enough?
Click to expand...
He has everything I’ve always looked for in a guy, and probably more, to be honest. Kind, compassionate, intelligent, doesn’t take himself too seriously, passionate about caring for his body, a very selfless and giving man.
LoveBunny said:
Are you ok with the fact that if you date your friend's husband, you miss out on being someone's one-and-only because now you have to poly-date, which generally means means men/women who are monogamous will not want to date you?
Click to expand...
This is probably the one thing that has my heart slightly torn. I do worry about missing out on this, parts of me do, at least.
LoveBunny said:
Only you know what's best for you. At the end of the day, this couple will *probably* stay together, even if you end up losing both of them. In the meantime, go slow, ask A LOT of questions, and be prepared to lose them both if it doesn't work out.
Click to expand...
 
People have asked you some good starter questions to ask yourself, as you consider entering into the love style of polyamory.

It sounds like this couple consider you to be a very close friend already, almost a family member as it is. You probably hang out with them a LOT, cook and eat together, watch TV, play games, go out on day trips, whatever. And the more you hang out having fun with a person of the gender you are attracted to, the more the hormone oxytocin is produced in your glands and flows through your blood. This causes bonding. And this can cause sexual attraction to get quite strong. All kinds of yummy hormones start flowing, and you feel delicious sexual attraction.

So, you're all thinking, if there is friendship, and sexual attraction, why not go all the way and start having the sex?

Well, that's the "why" of polyamory.

But it's also highly important to consider the "why not?" as the questions are delving into.

Once you have a poly bf, if you want to be polyamorous yourself, you need to find other partners who are fine with polyamory. You didn't answer whether you were single now, and have been for a while. If you are single, and constantly hanging out with this attractive nice man as a friend, you probably want sex with him. It's only natural.

But if you were already dating and had a great bf (or two) of your own, this married guy probably wouldn't seem like such a temptation.

However, that said, when I was actively dating, I had no trouble finding men to date who were perfectly fine with me having other bfs (and certainly loved that I had a gf, because they hoped to fuck her too.) However, most of these men wanted me because they thought I was "easy," open to uncommitted sex. They didn't understand that polyamory means commitment, it just doesn't mean exclusivity.

Please do a search for "new to poly" in the search bar, for more info. Please check out our Golden Nuggets section for a list of books, articles and podcasts about polyamory. There you will also find archived master threads on polyamory topics of all kinds. Please do a lot of research before you start romantically dating or having sex with this guy. It will pay off, and could prevent three broken hearts!

 
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