I've been friends with Lily since college. We met when we were 20, and we're now 38. She had just gotten engaged to her college boyfriend Sam when I met her. Lily and Sam got married after college, had two kids around age 30, bought their dream house last year. Checking all the boxes.
I like Lily and Sam a lot. They're sweet, adorable people. A cute couple. I've put a lot of effort into maintaining a friendship with them over the years, as their lives are quite different from mine. They have also been joined at the hip as a couple the whole time I've known them. Lily and I met in the same study abroad program, but after that, I never saw her without Sam, and in the last 8 years, never without her kid/kids.
But we certainly grew apart over time (or never had much in common to begin with). I've always felt that Lily was a bit judgmental about my dating life (and about the lives of other straight women who were dating around). She wasn't particularly helpful when I went through the terrible breakup(s) & life crisis at age 29 that caused me to descend into a serious depression / nervous breakdown for about a year. She was bewildered when I became openly poly / non-monogamous and has not been super enthusiastic about meeting my partner Eli.
But, since I never really talked to Lily one-on-one that entire time, and she was always busy with kids/husband/life milestone stuff, I didn't make a big effort to talk to her about any of this. She seemed very happy with her life and her monogamous marriage, and her unhelpful reactions about my life seemed based in ignorance rather than a genuine judgmental attitude.
Also, Lily and Sam are kind of boring (to me). Since they got pregnant we have mostly just talked about their kids. Lily works with special-needs children and thrives at it. I would describe her as the walking definition of "wholesome." They're a nice family, they've been friendly to my parents for years, they bring great food to cookouts. But I had long ago written Lily off as someone that I just couldn't have in-depth conversations with or talk to her about my personal life at all.
Also, they are only friends with other couples. Right after college, I had to start distancing myself from them, as all their parties & game nights soon involved only other couples. Mostly heterosexual couples, once in a while a gay couple (they are very liberal and pro-gay-rights), but always a pair. I felt like the odd one out.
And after they had kids, they were only friends with other couples with kids. When I made an effort to visit them (they had by then moved farther away), it usually ended up being a dinner with another couple with kids too. Lily always thought I would just love to meet these other friends of theirs! And their kids! Even though I hate kids
I had categorized Lily and Sam as "people who are very happy with monogamy, which seems weird to me personally, but they sure do seem happy!" Sam is a gentle, engaging man who has always been clearly in love and devoted to Lily. I both admired their relationship, but also noted that I would be deeply miserable, indeed bored out of my mind, in that kind of life.
Well, now here is a surprise (or not, perhaps). Lily got in touch with me yesterday, I thought just to check in about the pandemic. But she really wanted to talk. Finally she confessed that she had to tell me something: she and Sam are getting divorced.
The reason, Lily says, is that she is a lesbian. She had been out as bi to Sam since the beginning of their relationship, but not to anyone else. (She never mentioned being bi to me, and I wouldn't have guessed. She never dated anyone, of any gender, before meeting Sam). But recently she decided that she's fully a lesbian, and wants to have a chance to meet a woman, so they are divorcing.
Her journey has been quite difficult. Lily was raised by conservative religious parents. Apparently, she came out as bi to her childhood friend in college, and that friend never spoke to her again. It was so traumatizing for her that she kind of shut down emotionally and tried to "shut off" that part of her. She felt like Sam's love for her provided her an escape, safety.
Sam encouraged her to go to bi/queer support groups throughout their marriage, which she did. But neither of them ever wanted to try any type of non-monogamy (which is probably for the best). Lily says she made herself as busy as possible to try to suppress her feelings. (It's not clear to me if she had feelings for particular women in her life, or more general feelings of lesbian identity). She went to grad school, developed her career, had kids, saved for a down payment, finally bought that dream house.
And then, she says, she had a nervous breakdown with panic attacks and anxiety. With therapy, she identified the root cause as the lies she had been telling herself--she wasn't happy and wanted something else.
So, they are divorcing and selling their house. (Or they would be...right now they are stuck in quarantine together, of course).
I am amazed that Lily hid her unhappiness so well. I never would have guessed. Now I am sorry that I wrote her off for being judgmental / uptight about sex & relationships. I should have tried harder to see her one-on-one.
She and I had a really great conversation about societal pressure on women to settle down with a "good man" and make babies, and about the guilt & shame that women often feel about their sexuality, whatever it is. I was able to be more open with her about my poly life, and she was MUCH more accepting.
Lily is struggling with the fact that a lot of her friends (these "couple friends" that annoyed me so much) are more sympathetic to Sam than to her. And possibly Sam is not handling the whole thing too well--which is understandable, to a point.
I think part of it is that Sam's personality always shone when they were together. Lily sort of receded into the background--because she was trying to hide herself, it turns out.
Anyway, I'm not sure if this really belongs under "General Discussions." I'd put it on my blog if I had one. I don't need advice about it, so it's not a relationship issue...but I wanted to share this, because Lily's judgmental attitude about me being poly was actually stemming from her own struggles. Which makes sense! And now, hopefully, she and I can have a deeper, more honest friendship.
I like Lily and Sam a lot. They're sweet, adorable people. A cute couple. I've put a lot of effort into maintaining a friendship with them over the years, as their lives are quite different from mine. They have also been joined at the hip as a couple the whole time I've known them. Lily and I met in the same study abroad program, but after that, I never saw her without Sam, and in the last 8 years, never without her kid/kids.
But we certainly grew apart over time (or never had much in common to begin with). I've always felt that Lily was a bit judgmental about my dating life (and about the lives of other straight women who were dating around). She wasn't particularly helpful when I went through the terrible breakup(s) & life crisis at age 29 that caused me to descend into a serious depression / nervous breakdown for about a year. She was bewildered when I became openly poly / non-monogamous and has not been super enthusiastic about meeting my partner Eli.
But, since I never really talked to Lily one-on-one that entire time, and she was always busy with kids/husband/life milestone stuff, I didn't make a big effort to talk to her about any of this. She seemed very happy with her life and her monogamous marriage, and her unhelpful reactions about my life seemed based in ignorance rather than a genuine judgmental attitude.
Also, Lily and Sam are kind of boring (to me). Since they got pregnant we have mostly just talked about their kids. Lily works with special-needs children and thrives at it. I would describe her as the walking definition of "wholesome." They're a nice family, they've been friendly to my parents for years, they bring great food to cookouts. But I had long ago written Lily off as someone that I just couldn't have in-depth conversations with or talk to her about my personal life at all.
Also, they are only friends with other couples. Right after college, I had to start distancing myself from them, as all their parties & game nights soon involved only other couples. Mostly heterosexual couples, once in a while a gay couple (they are very liberal and pro-gay-rights), but always a pair. I felt like the odd one out.
And after they had kids, they were only friends with other couples with kids. When I made an effort to visit them (they had by then moved farther away), it usually ended up being a dinner with another couple with kids too. Lily always thought I would just love to meet these other friends of theirs! And their kids! Even though I hate kids
I had categorized Lily and Sam as "people who are very happy with monogamy, which seems weird to me personally, but they sure do seem happy!" Sam is a gentle, engaging man who has always been clearly in love and devoted to Lily. I both admired their relationship, but also noted that I would be deeply miserable, indeed bored out of my mind, in that kind of life.
Well, now here is a surprise (or not, perhaps). Lily got in touch with me yesterday, I thought just to check in about the pandemic. But she really wanted to talk. Finally she confessed that she had to tell me something: she and Sam are getting divorced.
The reason, Lily says, is that she is a lesbian. She had been out as bi to Sam since the beginning of their relationship, but not to anyone else. (She never mentioned being bi to me, and I wouldn't have guessed. She never dated anyone, of any gender, before meeting Sam). But recently she decided that she's fully a lesbian, and wants to have a chance to meet a woman, so they are divorcing.
Her journey has been quite difficult. Lily was raised by conservative religious parents. Apparently, she came out as bi to her childhood friend in college, and that friend never spoke to her again. It was so traumatizing for her that she kind of shut down emotionally and tried to "shut off" that part of her. She felt like Sam's love for her provided her an escape, safety.
Sam encouraged her to go to bi/queer support groups throughout their marriage, which she did. But neither of them ever wanted to try any type of non-monogamy (which is probably for the best). Lily says she made herself as busy as possible to try to suppress her feelings. (It's not clear to me if she had feelings for particular women in her life, or more general feelings of lesbian identity). She went to grad school, developed her career, had kids, saved for a down payment, finally bought that dream house.
And then, she says, she had a nervous breakdown with panic attacks and anxiety. With therapy, she identified the root cause as the lies she had been telling herself--she wasn't happy and wanted something else.
So, they are divorcing and selling their house. (Or they would be...right now they are stuck in quarantine together, of course).
I am amazed that Lily hid her unhappiness so well. I never would have guessed. Now I am sorry that I wrote her off for being judgmental / uptight about sex & relationships. I should have tried harder to see her one-on-one.
She and I had a really great conversation about societal pressure on women to settle down with a "good man" and make babies, and about the guilt & shame that women often feel about their sexuality, whatever it is. I was able to be more open with her about my poly life, and she was MUCH more accepting.
Lily is struggling with the fact that a lot of her friends (these "couple friends" that annoyed me so much) are more sympathetic to Sam than to her. And possibly Sam is not handling the whole thing too well--which is understandable, to a point.
I think part of it is that Sam's personality always shone when they were together. Lily sort of receded into the background--because she was trying to hide herself, it turns out.
Anyway, I'm not sure if this really belongs under "General Discussions." I'd put it on my blog if I had one. I don't need advice about it, so it's not a relationship issue...but I wanted to share this, because Lily's judgmental attitude about me being poly was actually stemming from her own struggles. Which makes sense! And now, hopefully, she and I can have a deeper, more honest friendship.
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