A lil intro to me I guess, and thoughts I need to get out.

[secretwhisperings]

Hello to anyone reading this! My name is Gretchen. I'm new to this site, and fairly new to the poly ifestyle as well. My boyfriend (Z) and I have been together almost three years, and for at least two of that we've been open with our realtionship. It all started by exploring things sexually with other people together. In time we started braching out to do things alone but it was still mainly sexually based and very casual and flirty. However, recently I've started talking to a guy (W) that I really am falling for on a more emotional level. My boyfriend has been so understanding and supportive with me spending time with this person regularlly and it's been so wonderful having my life so full of love. But, natually, I have some worries and anxieties that have been runing through my head that I felt I need to get off my chest and talk with other people that may be able to relate to my situation. So anyway, being in this new situation has brought up a lot of different thoughts and feelings. At first with tihngs being so new and exciting with W, and being so wrapped up and infatuated with him I had some subtle doubts about my feelings and realtionship with Z. Worried that we had become to complacient. Worried that really falling for W meant my love for Z had dwindled. I've worked through all of those worries mostly by reminding myself that having love for W doesnt take away from my love for Z. They're different kinda of love. My realtionship with Z is like a steady foundation. He's my rock. He's the person I can count on always. We are comfortable together in a calm quiet peaceful kind of love. And I love our love. He's the only person ive ever been with that I have no worries about losing. I know he's never going to give up on me or walk away. But, having that comfort with Z has intensified my anxieties when it comes to W. I have this whole new realtionship with W. And this is the first time Ive started a realtionship with someone while already beingin one. Ive never started dating someone knowing they are not going to be my priority and likely the realtionship will ultimetly be temporary. And that makes me so much more scared and unsure. I've truly fallen for him. I want to let myself jsut be happy and enjoy our time together, and when I'm with him or talking to him I do, but when I'm not I get so anxious and scared that he's going to lose intrest or get annoyed or bored of me and not want me anymore. I don't know why this fear of abdonment is so much more intese to me in this situation. Maybe it's becuause when im newly falling for someone, in the past, I've always fantasized about the future. With W I don't know what to think of our future because I don't know how this will play out. Am I allowed to imagine myself being with both of them forever? What if that is what I end up wanting or needing but one or both of them is not okay with it? What if the day comes where W wants to move on and be with someone who can make him their only priority and my heart is shattered to have to watch him leave? What if that happens and it breaks Z's heart to see me heartbroken over W and makes him doubt my love for him? See these are all what if's. None of us can ever know what the future holds. Right now, things are wonderful and we're all happy. I have more love in my life than I could have ever imagined. I just want to figure out how to jsut enjoy the love instead of worrying about the what if's. I dont what to look back and realized I missed out on appreciating what I had becuause I was worried about what could happen. But how do I silence my constant worries?


Sorry that was so long! If you made it all the way through thanks for taking the time to listen to me ramble. Mostly I just needed to get that out of my head and written down because it's cathartic for me. But if you relate in any way, or have any words of wisdom, advice to tips, I'm all ears. And, lastly, I hope everyone has a beautiful day. <3

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Gretchen,

I think the secret here is to live in the present, and not worry about the future. You have great relationships with Z and W right now. That's what matters. You don't want to wake up someday in the future with regrets about how you didn't enjoy this moment right now. Does that make sense?

Maybe you are worried about things with W because you are falling for him on a more emotional level. Something you're not used to. Things might get easier if you just give it some time.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Hello to anyone reading this! My name is Gretchen. I'm new to this site, and fairly new to the poly ifestyle as well. My boyfriend (Z) and I have been together almost three years, and for at least two of that we've been open with our realtionship. It all started by exploring things sexually with other people together. In time we started braching out to do things alone but it was still mainly sexually based and very casual and flirty. However, recently I've started talking to a guy (W) that I really am falling for on a more emotional level.

Hello and welcome! I am going to cut and paste your post a bit to respond so be sure to correct me if I mess anything up.

Many people come to the idea of poly as a result of experiences with a sexually open relationship or from swinging. For a lot of people, sexual intimacy opens the way to emotional intimacy - so recognizing that this is different is a good step in thinking things through.

My boyfriend has been so understanding and supportive with me spending time with this person regularlly and it's been so wonderful having my life so full of love. But, natually, I have some worries and anxieties that have been runing through my head that I felt I need to get off my chest and talk with other people that may be able to relate to my situation. So anyway, being in this new situation has brought up a lot of different thoughts and feelings.

I am glad that you have found these forums, it is a good/safe place to air your worries and concerns. Sometimes just spelling it all out helps you to clear your mind.

At first with tihngs being so new and exciting with W, and being so wrapped up and infatuated with him I had some subtle doubts about my feelings and realtionship with Z. Worried that we had become to complacient. Worried that really falling for W meant my love for Z had dwindled. I've worked through all of those worries mostly by reminding myself that having love for W doesnt take away from my love for Z. They're different kinda of love. My realtionship with Z is like a steady foundation. He's my rock. He's the person I can count on always. We are comfortable together in a calm quiet peaceful kind of love. And I love our love. He's the only person ive ever been with that I have no worries about losing. I know he's never going to give up on me or walk away.

Sounds like you have worked yourself through one of the first hurdles. Reading here you will likely see the term NRE (new relationship energy) bandied about - this is the flush of exciting hormones as one is getting to know and "falling" for a new partner. For some people it overshadows the ERE of Established relationships. The new and shiny can be distracting but if you take time to cultivate your established relationships and remember that they already know the "real" you and STILL love you it is possible to weather the NRE strom.

But, having that comfort with Z has intensified my anxieties when it comes to W. I have this whole new realtionship with W. And this is the first time Ive started a realtionship with someone while already beingin one.

Is it really the comfort with Z that has intensified your anxieties? Or have you forgotten how other relationships have started out? (NRE makes me terribly anxious, so ...)

Ive never started dating someone knowing they are not going to be my priority and likely the realtionship will ultimetly be temporary.

There are a lot of assumptions in this one statement that you may want to take a closer look at. There is no rule that says that you CAN'T make a new partner a priority or that the relationship HAS to be temporary. This doesn't mean that you have to make your current partner LESS of a priority or question the permanence of your current relationship.

We can choose who/what we prioritize. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years (as of yesterday ) - which might sound like a fairly long time and that I must assign that relationship a high priority. Which I DO! But, I have been with my husband for 22 years and that relationship is ALSO a high priority for me.

And that makes me so much more scared and unsure.I've truly fallen for him. I want to let myself jsut be happy and enjoy our time together, and when I'm with him or talking to him I do, but when I'm not I get so anxious and scared that he's going to lose intrest or get annoyed or bored of me and not want me anymore. I don't know why this fear of abdonment is so much more intese to me in this situation.

It's ok. The "new normal" hasn't settled in yet. You are a different person, in a different situation, with different people than you have been in the past.

Maybe it's becuause when im newly falling for someone, in the past, I've always fantasized about the future. With W I don't know what to think of our future because I don't know how this will play out.

NO one knows how things will play out, even if you are only seeing one person!

Am I allowed to imagine myself being with both of them forever?

Yes, you are allowed to imagine that, it may even happen! (That is my current trajectory.)

What if that is what I end up wanting or needing but one or both of them is not okay with it?

You can want it (I doubt "need" comes into play) but if one or both of them is not okay with it then..."Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200". You will be sad and upset, and then you will survive - as you would if you were dating someone exclusively and they didn't want to continue dating you for whatever reason.

What if the day comes where W wants to move on and be with someone who can make him their only priority and my heart is shattered to have to watch him leave? What if that happens and it breaks Z's heart to see me heartbroken over W and makes him doubt my love for him? See these are all what if's. None of us can ever know what the future holds.

Correct, none of us CAN ever know what the future holds - that is true for mono, poly, etc. "What ifs" don't get us far - on the other hand: "What if" you continue to see both of them and they are fine with that and you live "happily ever after"?

Right now, things are wonderful and we're all happy. I have more love in my life than I could have ever imagined. I just want to figure out how to jsut enjoy the love instead of worrying about the what if's. I dont what to look back and realized I missed out on appreciating what I had becuause I was worried about what could happen. But how do I silence my constant worries?

I wish that I had a better answer but the worried DO get better with time.

Sorry that was so long! If you made it all the way through thanks for taking the time to listen to me ramble. Mostly I just needed to get that out of my head and written down because it's cathartic for me. But if you relate in any way, or have any words of wisdom, advice to tips, I'm all ears. And, lastly, I hope everyone has a beautiful day. <3

I hope that you feel better now. From an outsider's perspective you are doing just fine in a "non-standare" situation. All you can do is talk to your people and doe the best that you can.