A little introspection

[Nyx]

Something another person wrote on here made me want to post a little more about my situation.

My bf and I are taking a break from each other for a few weeks. I find that getting back to myself and really digging deep into my feelings without his actions or presence aggravating things is helping a little.

I have to work on my own self-esteem. I bring all kinds of issues into my current relationship (from the way I was brought up, and the way I have been treated in past relationships) that are not right or fair.

My father ran around with other women sometimes. I can remember my mom talking about it. Her pain was great. She has never been the same since. She shut herself off from men completely and has not had a relationship since theirs failed 25 years ago.

I have this deeply ingrained sense that if your partner is sleeping with someone else, or even just being emotionally close, that means they don't love you, and you are worthless. My mom based her entire existence around what my father did. To this day, she suffers from self-hatred because her relationship failed.

Growing up, my mom spoke of his freedom with such poison and hatred and jealousy. It made me feel that my father was untrustworthy and cruel because he liked other women.

Then, when I grew up and had my own relationships, two of the most important men I was ever with cheated on me and dumped me for the other woman. Even my daughter's father left us when she was four months old to be with his new gf.

Both of these men told me what they preferred about the other women, why I wasn't good enough for them and the other women were better than me. The reasons ranged from "She's thinner than you," to "She's fun to be with and you are not."

I fight those ingrained values and beliefs about myself every day. They are not right. They cause sickness, grief and anger. When I feel free with my bf I am so happy. I want nothing more than to give him as much freedom and unconditional love as he gives me.

It's a struggle to get away from my roots and the pain I correlate with men straying.

But what I am fighting for is so worth it. I love my bf so very much. And despite my fears, I know he loves me and thinks I am wonderful. I can believe I am a great and worthwhile person when I am with him.

Thus our break. If I can feel worthwhile to myself, independent of him or anyone else, then I have won.

 

[redsirenn]

When my marriage failed, I suffered a great deal. After months of thinking about why I was so upset, I realized it was not because I mourned the loss of our relationship, but because I felt insecure, unworthy, and feared being alone forever. The truth is, the relationship was crap. I was conditioned to believe I was not worthy. I am totally worthy of love, real love, in the form that I want it. Once I realized all that pain was actually caused by my own beliefs in myself, I knew I would never again feel pain like that from the ending of a relationship.

It is an incredibly important thing to feel strong within yourself. The challenge for me, at least, is to balance compassion, loving, vulnerability, and care with a strong sense of self esteem and the ability to stand up for oneself.

I truly hope you find what you are looking for. It sounds like you have some understanding of what that is already. Good luck.

 

[River]

I have this deeply ingrained sense that if your partner is sleeping with someone else, or even just being emotionally close, that means they don't love you and you are worthless.

I don't know how it is in other cultures, but here in the USA, this attitude is almost ubiquitous. Movies, television, love songs, parents, friends, colleagues, churches, everyone seems to be entirely convinced that for it to be true love it must be exclusive and dyadic. So, naturally, it can be very challenging to come to understand that this particular myth about "true love" is entirely wrong, false, poppycock.

This can be a world-shaking realization. It may cause one to question many other fundamental beliefs which are almost ubiquitously held. But that it is poppycock isn't wild speculative opinion. It's a fact that this belief is simply untrue. Lots and lots of people experience intense, happy, healthy multiple loves in their lives.

It's important to know and understand this fact, because in this matter of public opinion, the overwhelming majority are simply WRONG. It's often, if not always, extremely challenging to go against the cultural current in significant ways. Ignorant people will misunderstand or even condemn you. It's unjust and unfair, but if you keep the facts in mind, their ignorance needn't deter you in attuning your attitudes to what is real.

That's a journey, since you have acquired the popular but erroneous assumption as an attitude. That is, when your boyfriend also has other girlfriends, it sometimes feels as if that must mean he loves you less than if he were exclusive with you. But that would be insufficient evidence that he loves you less. He'd have to provide better evidence, as in the form of some real and concrete abuse or neglect, some truly unloving behavior.

Exclusivity is no proof of love. Only loving behaviour is proof of love. Don't lose track of the facts as you take this journey of discovery about love.

 

[Nyx]

But that would be insufficient evidence that he loves you less. He'd have to provide better evidence, as in the form of some real and concrete abuse or neglect, some truly unloving behavior. Exclusivity is no proof of love. Only loving behaviour is proof of love.

I cringe as I read this because I know that in my jealousy I have behaved less than lovingly towards him at times. He cited me for it the other day. He used the word abusive. That was my deciding factor in taking a break from our relationship.

I feel this guilt inside. Maybe my love for him is false. If I truly loved him, how could I possibly hurt him? But then again, it has also been part of my upbringing/culture to react to pain by causing pain. It is difficult to shrug off these beliefs. As you describe above, these kinds of things are false.

It's like I'm transforming my entire value system. And I'm going do it, because the current one is fucked.

 

[River]

Nyx,

It's not easy to ask such questions seriously and honestly. But you're beginning to do so, and that takes courage, strength, and a commitment to reality and truth. Stay with that and it will take you all the way. Ultimately, there's no real evasion of it, anyway. So, good on you! I have faith in the process you're engaging. Ride that horse.

 

[River]

It's like transforming my entire value system! And I'm gonna do it, because the current one is fucked.

In reading this, I'm reminded of a bit of wisdom from a member here, Padma, who encouraged people to be friendly toward themselves in whatever they were feeling, even as they are undergoing changes in those attitudes. Please be tender and loving toward yourself as you question your most familiar attitudes and beliefs. You are not REQUIRED to change. In any case, we bring the best love to others when we bring it to ourselves. Do that, changes or otherwise. Love yourself, that you may then love others.

 

[XYZ123]

Reading everything you've been through, I think it's amazing how far you've already come. As children, our values are defined for us. As adults, we have the ability to define them ourselves, however many times over we want or need to do it. We all have baggage from our parents, friends, previous relationships, etc.

It's no different for polyamorous people than it is for monogamous people.

Please don't be angry at yourself for dwelling on some of the more negative aspects of your history. First, let go of your self-destructive anger. Then you can start to put down the baggage, as well. I think you're doing a wonderful job and are more self aware than a lot of people I've talked to.