A man in a brave new world

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Focusedone

New member
Ok,

Married 14 years, been monogamous the whole time. Started realizing that my desire to be polyamourous had been buried since 16 when I loved two women. My wife came out as bi-sexual (I'm straight) 3 months ago. this sparked a dialogue of honesty. We are still together lucky me ( she is a 10 in every way)!

Mentally I and my spouse went through the stages of "lets swing" then "unicorn hunting" before finally realizing that most of this would restrict the nature of our relationships with other partners. So no new partners for me yet and not in a rush want a quality gal. Also, want to make sure that I give appropriate time to her.

While looking for a partner is a priority. There are life and kids. The side business that accompanies my day job is pretty fun. My main career is in sales. Home is situated on two acres and there is a custom 4glte antenna linking us to the world... I am a compassionate capitalist ( I wish socialism worked). Everyone must win for me to do a real estate or car flip deal.


The greatest moments in my life have been about the people in them not what I did. I and my spouse are trying to semi-retire before 40. We are driven and have had long conversations on ethics and what ifs. Someone joining me will not mean they have to join her and vice versa. That does not mean that they could not become an integrated part of our plans.


I seek your wisdom and truth

-Focused one
 
Greetings Focusedone,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have given considerable thought to this poly thing before moving ahead with it. I hope you will find Polyamory.com helpful, there is a lot you can learn here, and you can even teach others. Have a look around and see what interests you, post whenever you have any questions, or any thoughts you'd like to share. We are a friendly group, although nutty at times. I like the sound of your affiliation, capitalist but not cold-heartedly so. I have been all over the map, libertarian, republican, you name it. Anyway I'm glad you could join us, hope you enjoy your stay.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I think the things to think about and discuss are what entsnglements you can offer other people. Here's a stream of questions. Answer them here if you wish but they're mostly for you to ponder alone or with your partner.

Could you live with someone else? Have children with them? Share financial responsibilities? Go away for 2 weeks? A week? A weekend?

A lot of that will depend on how "out" you can be.

Have a look at your week. I'm sure right now you're balancing your work and family responsibilities well. Maybe even a hobby or two and social events as well. What could "give"? Again, how "out" can you be? Would you be mixing existing friends/family with new partners? If not, how will that restrict your relationships? Will you find someone who is happy to have those restrictions? If it's clear you're not, will you be willing to loosen restrictions to achieve this poly thing?
 
These are great questions answering them publicly will serve everyone I guess. :

- All of this is very dependant on the individual relationship

Could you live with someone else?

This was one of the first questions answered by me and my spouse. Yes, the door is absolutely open on that. We have enough land that another house could be built or a wing added on. Growing the idea of "family" appeals to me.

Have children with them?

With the right person that responsible, Sure but there would have to be a very deep understanding of child-rearing between us. Expectations would have to be set.

Share financial responsibilities?

So my family does not do debt and I have a great job as well as my spouse. Don't want to be a sugar daddy. That being said I would not let a long term partners car or home get repossessed. I was raised with Italians from New York. The put their money where their mouth was.

Go away for quality time:

The time frame will be constricted to a few days until my children age and shifting to semi-retirement.
 
Good answers. I think you have a lot to offer for a potential partner, including good sound communication.
 
Focusedone said:
Could you live with someone else?

This was one of the first questions answered by me and my spouse. Yes, the door is absolutely open on that. We have enough land that another house could be built or a wing added on. Growing the idea of "family" appeals to me.

Have children with them?

With the right person that responsible, Sure but there would have to be a very deep understanding of child-rearing between us. Expectations would have to be set.

Share financial responsibilities?

So my family does not do debt and I have a great job as well as my spouse. Don't want to be a sugar daddy. That being said I would not let a long term partners car or home get repossessed. I was raised with Italians from New York. The put their money where their mouth was.

Go away for quality time:

The time frame will be constricted to a few days until my children age and shifting to semi-retirement.
Click to expand...

You want a 'quality gal' and you want her to be content living in a separate house? Doesn't this make it clear that you and your wife are the true couple and she's the add on who can live separately and go to bed alone most of the week?

Expectations have to be set about child rearing...between who? You and your wife? You and your wife with some input from the potential mother? You, your wife, and this hypothetical woman equally? You and the hypothetical quality gal who may bear your children? How much time will you spend with your children from your wife? With these new hypothetical children who are apparently living in a separate house on your property?


You don't want to be a sugar daddy. So you want a quality gal who can support herself--and is going to be content living in her own separate house having a relationship that has, by your own words, time constrictions because you will be with your wife and children.

Have you thought about the reasons why a woman will accept a part time relationship or a relationship where another woman/family is always going to come first? A relationship where she's the one usually going to bed alone at night?

A quality woman is likely to have no trouble finding a man who will be there for her and with her full time and will not find the arrangement you're offering attractive.
 
Ok, I should have written better.

My apologies if I was misunderstood.

- A partner would be welcome to live with me provided they were ok with very young children running around ( they are more work). Hence the option of adding a wing on the house. Also as kids grow things change


- So child-rearing expectations would have to be set between me and the partner. My wife's input would be limited to the care she was comfortable committing to as a family member.

- A partner whether mine or my wives regardless of exclusivity would be considered part of my family. If they have children I would want to be a positive and supportive partner. None the less though raised monogamous " family always meant that we made sure everyone's needs were met. This has been thoroughly discussed and agreed upon.


- I have a commitment to my wife that I will not have with a girlfriend right away. That being said a long term partner or a "life partner" will be part of my estate and get a say in family decisions. Equality is important to me. My wife has said that if we are riding in a bench seat truck she may need to give up the snuggle middle seat to make sure that she is fair.

- Finances are case dependent. Family means you take care of people. Whatever someone wants to be I will support as an equal. Homemaker or astrophysicist. Some people are highly independent, some not.
 
Sounds fair to me.
 
Hi Focusedone - and welcome to the Forum! Kudos on the amount of thought you have put into this already - realizing the folly of the unicorn configuration in poly early on is much to your credit (different matter for swingers, where a unicorn may be just a one night deal with fun for all, but not so much for an ongoing polyamorous relationship). We do have a good number of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friendly, so please do not hesitate to post any thoughts and questions that you may have.

You mentioned your wife had realized that she was bi, and you talk about finding a girlfriend, but are you prepared for her to have a boyfriend also. While that might not be on the agenda now, you never know where this path might lead. Just a thought...

Here's a list of some of the best poly websites that you might find helpful in your continued research.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191


Again, Welcome!

Al
 
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