A New Life

I'm hanging in. The Sexy Beast is sending me pics of roses and reminding me that its always temporary if not always short lived.
 
That's good; he's someone you can count on.
 
Spent the afternoon with the Sexy Beast. It was a good afternoon. When we were kids he would record tapes for me. Today he gave me a cd he made. It was intensely emotional collection of songs that describe our relationship astonishingly well. He included a hand written letter detailing which lyrics were the ones that caught his attention. It was deeply moving for me.
 
FieryPhoenix said:
Today he gave me a cd he made. It was intensely emotional collection of songs that describe our relationship astonishingly well. He included a hand written letter detailing which lyrics were the ones that caught his attention. It was deeply moving for me.
Click to expand...

This is something I love doing, except I do it in virtual format: make playlists on Grooveshark (or wherever) and then email the person a "lyrics book." Even though I make the playlist for the OTHER person, it usually becomes my go-to listening material for a week or so, since it's a bunch of "reminds me of them" concentrated into one place. :)
 
Still battling the depression hard.
But I'm determined to win.
Weather is eh. Not terrible but too windy to be able to be productive outside.
I mixed concrete for stepping stones today.
Wrote two papers for a class.
Helped my niece make a birdfeeder for the yard.
I did a few more scrapbook pages.
Three extra kids over for the weekend. All good kids. They cheer me up.

Saw a pic of Hawaii last night and the homesickness hit so fast and so hard I was sobbing and barely able to breathe.

I finished my laundry today (yay).
I started designing a new blog.
Its been a long time since I wrote on my public blog. It has so much great i fo on it. But I dont even want to look at it because its all about my "before" life.

So-a nee one is being started. I will post a link when its ready
 
And the days roll by. I haven't managed to break through the delression fog. But I have forced myself to keep working on my yard (heavy duty sweaty work).
My 15 year old serenades me at night with piano music (he knows it soothes me) and far too often he wraps his almost grown up arms around me, pulls my head to his shoulder and says "eventually it will be ok mom. We got this."

The first BIG fight happened with the beast. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. He offended me greatly by telling me he deleted his fb acct after seeing "the numerous" photos of naked men making out.
There was one photo of two men embracing (head shot no idea if they were dressed or not) & one sexy photo of three men, clearly romantic partners, again, not naked or making out.
But-I didnt go there. He told me he was "so repulsed" he deleted his fb. I replied that nust as I respect HIS right to have whatever kinks and sexual proclivities he has, I expect to have MY sexual proclivities respected. He replied with the emoticon of first finger and thumb making the "ok" sign and I haven't heard anything since.

I was completely offended.
Still am.
 
I would be completely offended too....clearly he was seeing nudity because he wanted to see it. Seems he was looking for something to be upset about.
 
SUNSHINE!
It has been shining and today he got over 55F outside. :)

I figured out that due to my diligent efforts all semester, I could get B's in all my classes even if I skipped finals. So-I skipped finals. Took a week to myself without school before work starts on Monday.

I worked in the garden and yard, restarted a knitting project from almost 2 years ago. I spent an afternoon in bed watching Battlestar Galactica episodes. I took a 3 mile walk on Friday and a 2 mile walk today. I set up the firepit and made hotdogs and s'mores with my youngest. I also took her out on the motorcycle :)
My blood pressure (which has been unusually and frighteningly high the last couple months) dropped back to normal.
There is still a bunch of shit going on. But I am breaking out of the delression (thank you sunshine) and finding my groove again. :)
 
Any word from the Beast?
 
Yes. But i also started my nee job, babysat 5 kids for a weekend and have been scrambling.
He apologized and explaine he freaked because he combined a relatively recent conversation where I had said I sometimes wondered what he looked like fucking-because shen its ME in action with him Im far to IN IT to be paying attention. Then Saw the posts and psyched himself out thinking I wanted to see him with another man.
HE realized on his own I hadnt SAID that and that his statements were (unusually) and undeasonably harsh and judgmental. He tiptoed into the conversation with a "My anxiety is peaked over our relationship, Cali, and the differences in our sexual desires"
I cut to the chase and we discussed sexual desires.
Starting with the fact that I am in fact NOT interested in seeing him with another man. I dont find sex sexy. I find people who are really emotionally drawn to one anogher having sex to be sexy. He is STRAIGHT and I am totally cool with that.
Once he was reassured f that-the apology for his attitude and behavior/words was detailed and in depth he itemized where he went wrong, what triggered him, and a plan for avoiding being triggered that way in the future as well as a plan for how to more appropriately address an issue if he is triggered. All without a word from me.


Well... That left me scratching my head. I. Was thinking "hot damn he actually followed through all of the steps himself with no input. Damn. That feels fucking good. I cant remember another man I dated ever doing that. I had a gf who was awesome that way. But wow.

Anyway-we went for a wLk to discuss how he can work towards gettig his CDL. He can't keep doing the back breaking labor he has been. Especially with no benefits and shit pay.
He is listening the steps he needs to go through for that. We also went over bills and I helped him create a budget that includes $ for cdl classes.
Today I started work and we had a coulle hours together. Second visit in 10 days. It was good. He apologized GIn for letting his anxiety get out of hand and behaving like an ass. Wrapped his arms around me and just held on tight. The. We watch BSG :)
 
Now that's more like it. :)
 
New job is kicking my ass. Drive 60 miles, work 8 hrs with an hour lunch, drive back. Doesn't leave much time for anything else.
Fridge is empty. Pantry is getting close. Kids, dogs, bf all feeling neglected.
I am exhausted.
Today I started the summer schedule. Sun, Mon, Tues 5:30am-2pm. Which means being up by 3:30amwhich in turn means I *should* be going to sleep by 8pm. Then on Wed/Thurs I work 1:30pm-10pm. Ugh. Today was day 5 of 10 days straight.
 
I think new jobs are always tough and there is hope that this one will get easier as you get used to it. It's rotten though that you have kids and pets to tend to without any help. :(
 
Don't get me wrong-I am enjoying the work challenge. But the schedule will take some getting used to.
I worked today and then spent a couple hours with the kids, grandkids and son in law. Did I mention I have the BEST son in law? :)
We had dinner and now I am heading back to bed for another early day at work.
No partners involved in Mothers Day this year. Just me and the kids (and grandkids). Honestly-it was really nice.
 
Glad your Mother's Day was a good one.
 
Day 9/10 straight days at work. Im beat. I should be sleeping but my legs keep cramping.
Between allergy testing, trying to recreate a diet without foods Im allergic to, standing all day for work (on a concrete floor)-I am in pain.
Whole wheat, eggs, dairy, soy, cacao, tomatoes.
And I live in Alaska, where fresh produce is damn hard to come by...
 
Will your employer let you get a mat you can stand on? something with some cushioning value for your feet? Bare concrete is really hard on anyone.
 
We have a mat. Its still rough.
Two days off is NOT enough after 10 days working. But it was a highly lroductive teo days working on the property at home and celebrating a grabdkids bday. Back to work in the morning. They did hire a temp so we wont be pulling 12 hour days any more. :)
 
FieryPhoenix said:
Day 9/10 straight days at work. Im beat. I should be sleeping but my legs keep cramping.
Between allergy testing, trying to recreate a diet without foods Im allergic to, standing all day for work (on a concrete floor)-I am in pain.
Whole wheat, eggs, dairy, soy, cacao, tomatoes.
And I live in Alaska, where fresh produce is damn hard to come by...
Click to expand...

Have you looked into mineral deficiencies? Leg cramping is likely to be magnesium or potassium deficiency. Food allergies are also linked to mineral deficiencies.
 
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