A poly proposal... advice gratefully received

[Mehimandher]

Hi,

Well this is advice I never thought I'd be asking for!

So, I have known my ex for 8 years. We had a two year on off relationship when we first met and it was the most intense relationship I have ever had. The chemistry was incredible between us, and it's proved very hard to forget. I loved him like no other too. The only problem was that he was in a relationship he didn't seem to be able to get out of. She knew nothing about me so it wasn't a poly relationship.

Our relationship ended when he lost his bottle about leaving her, and over time things kinda drifted between us and eventually, after a bit misunderstanding, contact ended with the expect of one chat when he did finally leave her and he told me that he was seeing someone new.

So 2 years later, after all the angst and at the end of another relationship, I emailed him to thanks him for the relationship and the happiness it had given me at the time. I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. However, things are never simple where he is concerned. He told me he was Still with his GF and they have a child together.

This news really sent me into a tailspin for a while. I felt like is was the end of me and him and that there was no going back from it. I was heartbroken, again.

Since then we have spoken very regularly. The contact is very sexual most of the time. Over time though, I have found it getting frustrating because I want and need more than that from him. I want to be able to feel him, touch him and kiss him. I want to reconnect with him.

So here's the thing I need help with. A few days ago I was in the process of ending the sexual eliminate of our contact. I was doing it partly because I have met someone I'm interested in. I told him this and he hit me with the news that his relationship is about to become a polyamorous one which means we could be physically intimate again. He told me that his GF would probably encourage him to see me. He also made a cryptic comment about me thinking I knew it all but knowing nothing because I assumed that their relationship is a standard one.

Since then I have read loads about polyamory and it sounds like something I could do. Of course, there are boundaries to figure out. And it's massive assumption that his GF will go through with it. But I need your advice on how it works in practice.

And breathe!

 

[opalescent]

Probably not what you want to hear but...

It's really suspicious he tells you - suddenly with drama and flair and a hint of mystery - that he is really polyamorous and his girlfriend is likely just dandy with him reconnecting with you in person and pursuing some sort of a polyamorous relationship. And you are so silly and mainstream for assuming he was in a monogamous marriage!

(Your post reads like there hasn't been physical contact yet but online talking. Is that right?)

It's possible he was waiting to tell you this. It's possible he has been talking with his girlfriend, and mother of his child, about polyamory and hasn't been able to tell you because they were sorting things out. And the timing was unfortunate but now he can tell you cause they figured things out just as you were about to cut the sexual connection.

It's possible but unlikely. I'm sorry but this reads like someone searching for ways to keep you on his hook. Dangling the possibility of a poly relationship is one way to do that. He knows you have found someone you find interesting, someone you may want to see where things go. He knows you tend to be in monogamous relationships so far. It's likely he's fishing to keep you around.

How to determine this? Keep seeing (or start seeing) the other person you are interested in. Don't cut that connection just because of this. Monogamous people are allowed to, you know, 'date'.

See if you can meet his girlfriend as soon as possible. In person would be preferable. Online is not good enough here. Get introduced to her. (I assume you have not met her previously.) See if he is willing to have you reach out to her via online or phone/text. If he is uncomfortable, doesn't want to do this, says she is uncomfortable, sets weird boundaries about you never talking to her or only through him, says she doesn't have time to meet with you because of the child or work or whatever, or states she 'trusts him' to make decisions about outside partners, discourages you from contacting her, etc. - he's fishing. Cut bait.

If he is accepting of you contacting her, provides information to do so, wants you to talk to her directly about the situation, sets up a meeting pretty promptly, doesn't freak out about the request, he might be legit - just with terrible timing.

But if a meeting does happen, watch her reactions and responses to you carefully. Watch how they interact with each other around you. Yes, it will be awkward. These meetings, even totally above board ones, are always awkward. Look for body language that does not match what they are saying. Watch for signs she (or he) is checking out of the conversation. Watch for either of them not directly answering a question. Watch for straight up bullshit and evasion. Does she talk? Or is he really doing the talking and prompts her a lot? Trust your instincts. If she seems unhappy with the situation, then she likely is unhappy. If something seems off, there is probably something awry you should pay attention to.

I strongly suggest you not buy into this wholeheartedly until you have sorted out if he is on the up and up. Sadly, this kind of 'fishing' happens not infrequently. I know how hard it can be to hold onto your heart when you want to give it to the right person *so much* but wait. Please wait. Be cautious and trust your instincts. If your inner sense is telling you something is wrong, listen and act on it, even if he, or she, or anyone else, tell you everything is just fine.

 

[Candiedlove]

Everything opalescent said, AND....

One more thing.

You and he have been cheating, not physically, but I'm guessing a further sexual/intimate relationship than you'd want to admit to his OSO. Whatever. Shit happens. But...are you going to pretend this never happened? Admit to it? What if she gets curious and pries and finds evidence of your prior relationship? Whatever you choose, it may be very difficult to not let something slip that provokes her suspicion, could be as simple as an innocent comment.

I dunno, but unless this guy REALLY is worth it, I'd say move on and find a polyamorous relationship that doesn't begin with this much potential drama and baggage....Is it him you want, or does poly truly appeal to you?

 

[Mehimandher]

Hey!

Thanks so much for the honest response.

If it helps any, I don't think they have sorted things out the in's and out's of it yet themselves. We only had a brief conversation about it.

I have always had the impression that their relationship is a bit shaky! He never speaks to me about her. He has never even told me her name. I know that they didn't share a bed for a very long time but, until the other night, he has been evasive about her.

I guess I am not strictly monogamous. Almost all of my relationships have involved someone else, whether I have known about them or not. Obviously, the ones I didn't know about were an issue. But I have been the other woman on three occasions. And let's face it, I am at the moment in a way. I have never really had a problem with it. I don't find myself obsessing over what the other people are doing in their relationship.

You could well be right about him fishing. Although, I don't know why he would. If he has no intentions of following through that is! He lives quite a way from me so meeting might be tricky.

My gut tells me that the timing is no coincidence, sadly!

 

[Candiedlove]

I have always had the impression that their relationship is a bit shaky!

Don't dismiss gut feelings. This may well be a relationship to stay away from. Or, be prepared for a messy breakup/divorce.

 

[GalaGirl]

I agree with the other posters. He sounds less than forthcoming and trustworthy. I would not get my hopes up there. I think you could do better than this and you seem to know it since you want to cut it off and move on to new guy.

He is fishing to keep you on the line perhaps. Is that how it has always been? Do enough to keep you hooked but not enough to be fulfilling for you and if you start to pull away reel you back in with promises of a better tomorrow that do not materialize?

I might be wrong... but it sounds like you guys were cheating before with his gf in the dark. You broke up because he did not end it with her. You contact him. Where he tells you they have a baby now. This is devastating to you. So the answer is to start up a phone sex affair with him?

Now you want to drop him in favor of a new guy. I would!

The ex is messy sounding and does not bring out your best side from the sound of the post.

If you want an honest polyship where you can be free to be your best self, you could try building that with the new guy in a cleaner way and enjoy that. Could let the ex be an ex. Do the ending you want to do so you are free of him and his less than forthcoming or trustworthy behaviors.

But steel yourself for some "sweetie pie honey bunch" love bombing designed to suck you back in now that you are pulling away and cutting off his supply.

Galagirl

 

[WhatHappened]

You and he have been cheating, not physically, but I'm guessing a further sexual/intimate relationship than you'd want to admit to his OSO. Whatever. Shit happens.

Cheating does not just 'happen.' It's an action, deliberately undertaken. And the fact that it is a choice, not merely something that 'happened,' is another reason to stay away from this guy, in addition to the rest.

Chances are his girlfriend doesn't know what's really been going on. If he was less than forthcoming with her, he'll treat you the same. If he lied to her, he'll lie to you when it becomes convenient. If he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you if he ever feels like it.