A question for women (asking for advice on kink/bisexuality)

[DJZiggy]

A while back, you had a pretty satisfying sex life with your partner (husband or boyfriend), even if it was more on the "vanilla" side. But then, little by little, things started getting a bit kinky — especially after he began suggesting new things in bed. How did that shift happen for you? What was the moment when it clicked and you started wanting it too, seeing it all as something natural?

Do you remember the very first time he brought up something different — something more out of the ordinary — sexually? What was it? And how did you react? Were you weirded out? Put off? Hurt? Curious? Turned on?

How long did it take before you started warming up to the idea of trying something to spice things up? And what was it like when you finally responded in a way that showed you were open to it — that moment that kind of changed the way you two see sex today?

I’m asking all this because my wife has been dropping what seem like little hints for a while now — almost like she’s playing with the idea of exploring something new, maybe even just out of curiosity. She’s mentioned celebrities in open relationships a few times, and sometimes she’ll throw in a playful, “Should we try that too?” — always joking, which leaves me unsure if she’s just messing around or actually testing the waters.

There were also a couple of times when she talked about being kinda attracted to more masculine women. One time she even said she was curious what it would be like to get oral sex from another woman. The second time, she asked me straight up: “What if I’m bi? Would that be okay with you?”

I gotta admit, all of this has me kind of confused — I can’t tell if it’s just playful banter or if she’s trying to bring this up in a way that feels safe for her, seeing how I react.

But to be honest… it also makes me curious. And yeah, it turns me on too. It’s gotten me thinking about opening up this conversation with her. I just don’t want to make things weird between us — especially because she tends to bring this stuff up in waves. Sometimes she’ll go months without saying a word about it, then out of nowhere, something comes up again.

That’s what leads me to the questions I asked at the beginning of this post, directed to women.

I’d really appreciate hearing some advice from those who’ve been through something similar — both in terms of the “turning point” I mentioned above and from the perspective of someone who started receiving hints or more direct suggestions. If anyone doesn’t feel comfortable responding here, feel free to send me a private message.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello DJZiggy,

I'm quite vanilla, I've tried very mild kink but didn't like it. It's not right for me, but it's right for others and that's cool. What's done between consenting adults is morally sound, in my opinion.

Of course polyamory is sometimes considered a kind of kink. I guess if you take that view of matters, I am kinky in that one way. I embraced poly in 2005 when I fell in love with a married woman, and she found out about poly. Her husband had mixed feelings about it, but eventually he came around. We've been together as an MFM V ever since. Anyway, that's a little about me.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

You're mixing up non-monogamy and kink, on a polyamory forum. Polyamory is just a subset of non-monogamous relationships, where love with multiple partners at the same time is allowed and sought for. Some non-monogamous relationships are more kinky in nature ("cuckold" kink), but mostly, when you asked about dropping hints in bed, I thought about ropes or spanking.

If you're intrigued by your wife's hints, open the conversation. Just take up the hint. Ask "Is that something you fantasise about? Is that something you'd genuinely want to try?"

Sometimes people just want to "dirty talk" about fantasies, so it would be a good idea to get on the same page on whether you want to educate yourself about non-monogamy and kink, and consider it as a couple, or whether you just want to fantasize together, which is also a fully valid way to "spice things up."

 

[Magdlyn]

I moved this thread to the general discussion forum since it is unrelated to polyamory. There is a hint of bi-curiosity, regarding sex, bisexuality, but even that is not a polyamory topic.

It's interesting that you begin your post by asking, "How do women feel when their male partners bring up adding (unspecified) kinks to their sexual repertoire?" but then go on to say you're male, and your female partner is hinting around about kink practices. So why ask women for advice? Why not ask for the men here to say what they felt and did when their female partner was hinting about kinks, or questioning their gender preferences regarding sex?

Or why not leave gender out of it, and just ask how anyone of any gender feels when their partner of any gender drops such hints?

You see, Kevin, a male, responded about his feelings around kink vs vanilla.

All I can do is agree with Tinwen that you should seek clarity by just asking your partner if she is fantasizing, or if she really wants to try something specific. Tell her the idea of the kinks she is suggesting seem interesting or hot to you, and just talk about it! I know lots of people have a really hard time talking about sex, even with their own sexual partners, but it's highly recommended to do this, in order to gain knowledge, intimacy and trust, and pleasure, of course.

 

[LoveBunny]

DJZiggy, I'm a woman, kinky and bi, but nothing you say resonates with me because I don't "hint" or "joke" about my kinks or my sexuality with my partners. I come right out and tell them what I want and need. I do this quite early in the dating stage so there needn't be guesswork from either of us.

I do not believe any past partner initiated me into kink, or that someone suggested kink and I followed along. Sure, some early partners saw a side of me that they encouraged, others taught me a few new tricks...but no, I didn't need a man to lead me or even point the way, I was quite capable of figuring out my own likes and dislikes.

I cannot tell you if your wife is trying to feel you out to see if you will do kinky stuff or if she is just playing. Why on earth don't you ask her instead of a bunch of strangers on the internet?