A step towards acceptance

S

shell

New member
Hi,

I'm Michelle from California and I'm 26. I've recently have come into the realization that traditional monogamy was not good for me and found out what it means to be poly. i knew it was for me because there were no real set of rules for defining a relationship as long as it was ethical, consensual and honest. I have to be honest that I was hesitant at first to accept that I was "different" but I realize now that it is who I am and I should embrace it. Now I have more questions like: do I need to "come out"? Is it something I bring up on the first date? Hopefully I can find some answers or advice here. :)
 
Greetings Michelle,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Polyamory is all about transparency and consent. I have to say, though, we don't condemn polyamorists who remain in the closet about it. After all, we don't live in a world that's ready to accept polyamory. Jobs and kids can be at stake, among other things.

Now telling your dates and partners that you're poly, that's another matter. They can't consent to the relationship if they don't know what they're consenting to. So, if you're dating someone, I would suggest telling them within the first few dates. Or better yet, tell your close platonic friends that you're poly so that if you ever end up dating any of them, you'll have already had the poly conversation with them. If you use OKCupid, identify yourself as poly in your profile write-up.

Hopefully that answers your questions so far. Let us know if you have further questions.

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
First date

I feel like it is something that should be discussed before the first date unless you can keep the first date completely platonic. A coffee date during the day would be a good example. You don't always want to spill the beans to someone if you aren't sure if it is a match.
 
Michelle,

First, good for you! It's always lovely to see people figuring out who they are and embracing that - regardless of if poly is involved or not.

Now, as to your questions, there is no requirement to come out as poly. Ever. Generally, it is better emotionally and spiritually (in my opinion) to be as open and honest as possible. However, there can be real costs to being openly poly. Social disapproval, family disapproval, consequences for work, possibility of losing custody of children, etc. So, it is ethical to my mind to not be out if you face serious consequences. Sometimes people are out despite - or because of consequences in order to be fully themselves - and I admire greatly those people who make that decision. But it is not required or expected.

It is also totally ok to take your time so you get comfortable internally being out as poly. That varies for everyone. For example, I'm currently single, not seeing anyone at all. I am out to my friends. However, I am not out to my parents (we *never* discuss anything sexual or romantic in nature) and I don't discuss my poly communities at work. Now if I develop a partnership(s), I will tell my parents. They won't understand so I am not in a hurry to do this. I doubt I will ever be open at work - I just don't see the need. But that's me - other folks are open everywhere and are content with that.

Being out as possible is the way to more social acceptance for polyamory. It's similar to how being out as LBGT has helped immensely in moving the US towards a better, more accepting, less bigoted society towards queer folks. It's not perfect of course, but there is a direct correlation between the number of people who know openly gay people and people who support LBGT rights in some way. It is harder to dismiss 'those people' when one knows an actual, breathing person.

Now as to disclosure for dating, again broadly speaking, it's helpful to disclose poly even before the first date. For example, if you have an online dating profile, that is something to note in your profile. That way anyone who wants a monogamous relationship will just move on. There are several threads about dating, online and off here - I suggest reading them. Lots of helpful info.

If you meet someone through friends, on the street, in activities, generally it's good to casually bring up poly in conversation prior to a first date that you are polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous. (Some folks have weird ideas about what poly actually is and react lesser to a word that is not as 'charged' but that is a judgment call.) Being poly will reduce your 'pool' of available partner - that is just how it is. Poly is hard limit, a 'no-go' for a lot of people. But it is better to be upfront as possible so to alert those 'no-go' folks before things get entangled.
 
Welcome Shell and much wishes for you.

Really accepting within yourself can be enough for the first step. Amazing how much of a burden it lifts from you And you will be surprised at just accepting it helps you live it on the outside and others slowly assimilate and are grAvitated to you who are like minded. My parents hD no problem with me telling them after several years of talking Bout it. One thing both I and my 2nd partner Sam found was it was easy Nd important to bring up your "pov" on monogamy on the first date if not before. Even a simple phrase as a feeler or simple philosophic statement. It's how Sam and I knew we had something instantly, we used the same phrase in conversation s about openness. A simple statement like I truly believe humAns like most other animals aren't naturally monogamous." It gets your philosophy out there and the conversation going. Good wishes to you and it helps to stay amongst poly folk.
 
I don't think it is necessary to "warn" someone that you are poly before you even set up a date with them - but I view dates simply as opportunities to meet another human being, learn a little bit about them, have stimulating (hopefully) conversation, and enjoy doing something fun. I don't attach much expectation to a simple coffee/cocktail date, so I don't view it as an audition for a relationship. If it feels like we're clicking and want to see each other again, then I might bring it up by saying that I'm not looking for exclusivity, but that might not even be discussed until the third or fourth date, maybe - it all depends on what kind of rapport we've developed and how the conversation is going. Besides, I see poly as an approach to relationships that I choose to practice, rather than some kind of personality type or orientation. Generally, if it is going really well, we're probably very compatible and non-exclusivity shouldn't be much of an issue.

I rarely use the word "polyamory" because it confuses people.
 
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Thanks everyone

It feels good to finally express this part of me. I recently told my closest friends and they were very understanding and supporting. I also appreciate all the advice and insight from all of you.
 
realamore said:
Really accepting within yourself can be enough for the first step. Amazing how much of a burden it lifts from you And you will be surprised at just accepting it helps you live it on the outside and others slowly assimilate and are grAvitated to you who are like minded...
Click to expand...

This is huge. So many of us focus on the activity, opinions and the behavior of others when we talk about poly, when really, internal changes are so much more effective, stable and within our scope of influence. Outward circumstances always follow what we've got going on internally. You don't need a large dating pool to have great relationships. You want to attract good matches, not everyone, and the best way to start attracting good matches is to have your own quiet confidence in your poly approach to relationships.
 
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