sunsetstudies
New member
Hello everyone,
I just wanted to introduce myself - my name is Ben, and this is my first post here.
I am really glad to have found this community! After a lot of talking and serious discussions about the idea, my fiancée and I (both in our mid-30s) are about to try gradually adding an open element to our relationship. As the original idea was initiated originally by her, I am a bit nervous about the idea, but I am also optimistic as I think that it will help to enhance the (VERY) solid bond that we already have.
A little more about us:
my wife-to-be and I have been dating for about two years, after meeting through a mutual friend at a party. We have both been married and/or engaged previously, and so it was hugely relieving for us to stumble across each other as highly-compatible people. We are both very much in love, and we are best friends. Because we have both been through previously bad (mono) relationships (sorry - I'll get to the open bit soon!), we were very selective in who our next potential partners would be. It makes me very happy to say that our relationship is of a very high quality, and we both invest a lot into it. I like to think that we are also good communicators, we have good boundaries (ie. we have our own friends, hobbies, etc), and we do things routinely do things like couples counselling - not because there's anything wrong, but as a preemptive measure. Basically, we get along really well.
my partner (SO)'s story:
Like some others here, she grew up in a conservative religious household, and married way too early. When her first marriage was done and dusted (married at 19, over by 24) she had a couple of years of newfound sexual liberation, for the first time in her life. The combination of connecting with people + being independent had a huge impact on her - she has some very strong, very positive memories of this time. After another mono long-term relationship (of a couple of years), I came along.
Although our relationship is incredibly strong, my partner still has a yearn for freedom (some of this is, at some level, a psychological rebellion against her controlling parents). It's also worth mentioning that she has a very mild form of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder... basically this means that she can sometimes 'switch' to a "child self" that wants to recklessly run away from significantly stressful situations - and it's during the few-times-per-year when her BPD is really triggered that her desire to go and sleep with other people is at its strongest). Again, more rebellion + comfort-related stuff.
That said, she's one of the most psychologically-aware people you will ever meet (even studying psychology) and I am really proud of how she manages her life. Her mental health has come an enormous way in the past couple of years, and I think she is doing brilliantly.
My story:
I was raised in a lonely countryside town, with an incredibly "mono is the only way" culture. I also had a lot of self-esteem issues growing up, and it's only been in the past ~5 years (ie. since the engagement broke off) that I feel like I've been developing a particualrly strong sense of self. I've had a couple of long-term relationships (including one engagement) that have not ended so well (also a few short-term relationships that have ended wonderfully!).
Before being engaged, I had one long-term relationship (or rather, a long-term affair) with a particular girl is basically described as a love addict. She felt a lot of guilt about her want to be with other people, including me; and my shallow 'mono' persona grappled with being desperately in love with her, but thinking that I could "be everything she wanted" and have her magically "choose me" (how incredibly young and naive I was!). This lasted for a couple of years, when I was 20-23. I was pretty co-dependent on her, and often crippled by a lot of jealousy.
About five years later, I was in an unhappy long-term relationship come-engagement, which was basically with the wrong person. We weren't a good match and the relationship was pretty horrible in hindsight - I copped a lot of emotional abuse and even still I was shattered when my -ex ended it (turns out she'd been cheating on me for about 18 months before it came to an end). This ended in 2012.
Nowadays, things are much much better. I was very happily single for a couple of years before meeting my SO, and whilst I had never really had much luck with the ladies, I enjoyed the time as a spiritual and self-development time. I think I've changed a lot, and I'm really happy with who I am. I'm a bit of a slow processor (and a written processor), whereas my partner is a very fast (and a verbal) processor, so we both make big efforts to be considerate of each other and to try and meet in the middle, so there are as few surprises as possible.
----
What's happening now:
As mentioned above, things are going great. Because my partner still has a subdue desire to explore being more free, we think that it'll be beneficial for her to explore this by trying to be with other people. My initial gut reaction to this was initially fearful, but I've found that I've been able to work through a lot of the fear and jealousy etc. issues so far via a lot of psychoanalysis and memory-replacement therapy etc (which works great, even if it can be painful and exhausting!). Some of the resources that I use so far are the morethantwo.com essays, and the susana frioni podcasts. I've also read Mating In Captivity, and I am a huge fan (my partner is starting to read this, as we speak). occasionally I still get scared about this fear or that (all of which my partner knows about), but I am still learning the dismantling techniques over and over, and they'll take some practice. Most of the time, I feel good about exploring these things with her (purely because of how much I love and trust her), but occasionally some olden fears arise and I need to work through them.
In addition to my fiancee feeling and having freedom, I also feel as though I would perhaps like to explore having some other sexual partners too. This is mostly because I statistically haven't had a lot of sexual self-confidence to date (ie. until recently), I haven't had a lot of partners although physical touch is definitely my strongest love language. I feel that it could also be beneficial for me to have some experiences with some other people, as to help me to 'reclaim my own sense of sexual independence', at least a little bit... this is largely because I desire to remain viewing myself as an equal with my partner, and not like someone who is "getting left behind" (I could write more psychoanalsis on that topic, but this post is already too long!).
So, I'm basically here to hopefully make some friends - perhaps some more-experienced non-monogamous mentors, who I can bounce ideas with and help to work through things when I need to. I don't have many people in real life who I can talk to about this stuff, but I do have those few aforementioned resources and I still have a lot of literature to work through. (for example, there's a tonne of threads on this site that I want to read through, also someone's recommended "the ethical slut", which I will add to my reading list).
Anyway, like I say - it's just beginnings, and I do feel positive about things (as well as great about my relationship). I hope I can make some friends and learn from some people on here.
Thanks for reading!
I just wanted to introduce myself - my name is Ben, and this is my first post here.
I am really glad to have found this community! After a lot of talking and serious discussions about the idea, my fiancée and I (both in our mid-30s) are about to try gradually adding an open element to our relationship. As the original idea was initiated originally by her, I am a bit nervous about the idea, but I am also optimistic as I think that it will help to enhance the (VERY) solid bond that we already have.
A little more about us:
my wife-to-be and I have been dating for about two years, after meeting through a mutual friend at a party. We have both been married and/or engaged previously, and so it was hugely relieving for us to stumble across each other as highly-compatible people. We are both very much in love, and we are best friends. Because we have both been through previously bad (mono) relationships (sorry - I'll get to the open bit soon!), we were very selective in who our next potential partners would be. It makes me very happy to say that our relationship is of a very high quality, and we both invest a lot into it. I like to think that we are also good communicators, we have good boundaries (ie. we have our own friends, hobbies, etc), and we do things routinely do things like couples counselling - not because there's anything wrong, but as a preemptive measure. Basically, we get along really well.
my partner (SO)'s story:
Like some others here, she grew up in a conservative religious household, and married way too early. When her first marriage was done and dusted (married at 19, over by 24) she had a couple of years of newfound sexual liberation, for the first time in her life. The combination of connecting with people + being independent had a huge impact on her - she has some very strong, very positive memories of this time. After another mono long-term relationship (of a couple of years), I came along.
Although our relationship is incredibly strong, my partner still has a yearn for freedom (some of this is, at some level, a psychological rebellion against her controlling parents). It's also worth mentioning that she has a very mild form of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder... basically this means that she can sometimes 'switch' to a "child self" that wants to recklessly run away from significantly stressful situations - and it's during the few-times-per-year when her BPD is really triggered that her desire to go and sleep with other people is at its strongest). Again, more rebellion + comfort-related stuff.
That said, she's one of the most psychologically-aware people you will ever meet (even studying psychology) and I am really proud of how she manages her life. Her mental health has come an enormous way in the past couple of years, and I think she is doing brilliantly.
My story:
I was raised in a lonely countryside town, with an incredibly "mono is the only way" culture. I also had a lot of self-esteem issues growing up, and it's only been in the past ~5 years (ie. since the engagement broke off) that I feel like I've been developing a particualrly strong sense of self. I've had a couple of long-term relationships (including one engagement) that have not ended so well (also a few short-term relationships that have ended wonderfully!).
Before being engaged, I had one long-term relationship (or rather, a long-term affair) with a particular girl is basically described as a love addict. She felt a lot of guilt about her want to be with other people, including me; and my shallow 'mono' persona grappled with being desperately in love with her, but thinking that I could "be everything she wanted" and have her magically "choose me" (how incredibly young and naive I was!). This lasted for a couple of years, when I was 20-23. I was pretty co-dependent on her, and often crippled by a lot of jealousy.
About five years later, I was in an unhappy long-term relationship come-engagement, which was basically with the wrong person. We weren't a good match and the relationship was pretty horrible in hindsight - I copped a lot of emotional abuse and even still I was shattered when my -ex ended it (turns out she'd been cheating on me for about 18 months before it came to an end). This ended in 2012.
Nowadays, things are much much better. I was very happily single for a couple of years before meeting my SO, and whilst I had never really had much luck with the ladies, I enjoyed the time as a spiritual and self-development time. I think I've changed a lot, and I'm really happy with who I am. I'm a bit of a slow processor (and a written processor), whereas my partner is a very fast (and a verbal) processor, so we both make big efforts to be considerate of each other and to try and meet in the middle, so there are as few surprises as possible.
----
What's happening now:
As mentioned above, things are going great. Because my partner still has a subdue desire to explore being more free, we think that it'll be beneficial for her to explore this by trying to be with other people. My initial gut reaction to this was initially fearful, but I've found that I've been able to work through a lot of the fear and jealousy etc. issues so far via a lot of psychoanalysis and memory-replacement therapy etc (which works great, even if it can be painful and exhausting!). Some of the resources that I use so far are the morethantwo.com essays, and the susana frioni podcasts. I've also read Mating In Captivity, and I am a huge fan (my partner is starting to read this, as we speak). occasionally I still get scared about this fear or that (all of which my partner knows about), but I am still learning the dismantling techniques over and over, and they'll take some practice. Most of the time, I feel good about exploring these things with her (purely because of how much I love and trust her), but occasionally some olden fears arise and I need to work through them.
In addition to my fiancee feeling and having freedom, I also feel as though I would perhaps like to explore having some other sexual partners too. This is mostly because I statistically haven't had a lot of sexual self-confidence to date (ie. until recently), I haven't had a lot of partners although physical touch is definitely my strongest love language. I feel that it could also be beneficial for me to have some experiences with some other people, as to help me to 'reclaim my own sense of sexual independence', at least a little bit... this is largely because I desire to remain viewing myself as an equal with my partner, and not like someone who is "getting left behind" (I could write more psychoanalsis on that topic, but this post is already too long!).
So, I'm basically here to hopefully make some friends - perhaps some more-experienced non-monogamous mentors, who I can bounce ideas with and help to work through things when I need to. I don't have many people in real life who I can talk to about this stuff, but I do have those few aforementioned resources and I still have a lot of literature to work through. (for example, there's a tonne of threads on this site that I want to read through, also someone's recommended "the ethical slut", which I will add to my reading list).
Anyway, like I say - it's just beginnings, and I do feel positive about things (as well as great about my relationship). I hope I can make some friends and learn from some people on here.
Thanks for reading!
And in all honesty, as I read your narrative, I developed an increasingly positive feeling. There's all sorts of good stuff: you take "maintenance" counseling; you seem willing to confront your own flaws & knowledge gaps (which we all have).
