Hi everyone
If you could bear with me, I am new to polyamorous relationships and I hope I can receive some advice from this community. I am very confused and fairly hurt right now from the relationship that has just, kinda...ended.
I met this girl about 8 months ago while living abroad. We hit it off and had amazing chemistry both inside and outside the bedroom. But after about 3 weeks she sent me a letter telling me she was in an open relationship. I was completely blindsided by this, and felt she should have told me this right away. We had a long discussion about her open relationship and her boyfriend, and I tried to learn as much as I could.
She told me they lived together, had been dating for 3 years and had decided to open the relationship about 1 year ago. So far things has gone well for them, she had slept with some guys and he had only kissed a few girls but their relationship seemed better.
At this point we had developed feelings for one another, and she told me her bf was cool with everything, but he didn’t want to know about any details btw us. We continued to see each other every weekend and things were great at first, however I never met the bf. In fact one weekend she arrived at my place and told me that her and her bf were fighting about me. He thought she was spending too much time with me and neglecting him. She told me she said to him, “this is the way it is and if you don’t like it, maybe we should break up” before leaving for my place.
I said that maybe we should talk about this, but she told me that things btw the two of them were still ok. Shortly after this, he left for home, leaving the two of us. We continued to become more and more intimate, while she assured me that the bf was ok with our relationship.
However, as our relationship progressed, she would often compare the two of us. If we had an argument, she would tell me that her bf wouldn’t have reacted this way and how easier he was to get along with. Or another example, how her bf was not nearly as romantic as I, and I was much more charming.
She compared us sexually as well, constantly reminding me how good the sex was btw us, and how her sex life with her bf was always mediocre and basically non-existent. They hardly ever kissed, sex was rare, and in the mere 3 months of dating she said she had kissed me more times than her bf of 3 years. She said she never had this level of intimacy with her bf or anyone else for that matter, and that was a big reason to open the relationship.
This is where red flags started going off.
Also, while sitting with her one day she explained how her bf had a couple crazy ex’s who had ‘broke him’ and THAT was why she was able to see me and have an open relationship. Because he was “essentially broken” (in her words) she told me she has also been able to get away with things with him and other men. She said that she loved him for his intelligence but had never ‘fell in love’ with him, like she said she had with me. I was slowly becoming more and more uncomfortable with this whole arrangement, and it wasn’t feeling genuine anymore.
About a month later she moved back with her bf and I was left still living abroad. This is where everything changed btw us. She became cold and distant almost overnight and it became clear that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. When she finally did talk to me, it was to tell me that her bf wanted to close their relationship and that her bf didn’t like how serious the relationship btw her and I got. I was the furthest she went with someone. While telling me this she also mentioned that she told her bf that sex with me was ‘a lot better’ and that she didn’t feel sexual toward him at all. She said that made him more upset.
We didn’t talk nearly as much but she did say that she still wanted to talk with me and that she would always love me. However, while traveling to another country I sent her a postcard (she loves them and wanted one from me while I was traveling). When she received it, she told me ‘it was ok’ and ‘recycled immediately’. I was so confused and so hurt that she would tell me that. She told me she enjoyed the card but I had to get over it and at this point ‘her bf’s feelings and protecting them are more important’. I was heartbroken
Needless to say I stopped talking to her for a while. When we did talk again, she mentioned that she had told her bf that she simply cannot do a closed relationship with him and it needs to be open. She was now dating again and looking for someone to have casual sex with. She had also mentioned that she had been going on dates, one was with a recovering heroin addict and she had had unprotected sex with him already, but he said he was clean. I tried messaging her shortly after and she totally blew me off, never responded to my question to catch up. She sent me a link to a random web page instead. However, only a couple weeks ago she was telling me how important I was to her and how much she missed me??
I have stopped talking to her altogether now, but I just have to say… what just happened? What was this? Was this an open relationship at all?
I’m so confused and looking back I feel as though I was mistreated, and my best interest was never considered.
Was I merely a convenience for her? She claimed to be polyamorous but she didn’t want anything to do with me after she left, besides filling me in on details about her sex life.
I also feel that her bf’s concerns were never really addressed as well and this wasn’t the definition of a healthy open relationship.
I had only been involved in monogamous relationships before, and wanted to experience polygamy because I feel I’m more hardwired this way, but this experience has left me feeling used and really upset.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
If you could bear with me, I am new to polyamorous relationships and I hope I can receive some advice from this community. I am very confused and fairly hurt right now from the relationship that has just, kinda...ended.
I met this girl about 8 months ago while living abroad. We hit it off and had amazing chemistry both inside and outside the bedroom. But after about 3 weeks she sent me a letter telling me she was in an open relationship. I was completely blindsided by this, and felt she should have told me this right away. We had a long discussion about her open relationship and her boyfriend, and I tried to learn as much as I could.
She told me they lived together, had been dating for 3 years and had decided to open the relationship about 1 year ago. So far things has gone well for them, she had slept with some guys and he had only kissed a few girls but their relationship seemed better.
At this point we had developed feelings for one another, and she told me her bf was cool with everything, but he didn’t want to know about any details btw us. We continued to see each other every weekend and things were great at first, however I never met the bf. In fact one weekend she arrived at my place and told me that her and her bf were fighting about me. He thought she was spending too much time with me and neglecting him. She told me she said to him, “this is the way it is and if you don’t like it, maybe we should break up” before leaving for my place.
I said that maybe we should talk about this, but she told me that things btw the two of them were still ok. Shortly after this, he left for home, leaving the two of us. We continued to become more and more intimate, while she assured me that the bf was ok with our relationship.However, as our relationship progressed, she would often compare the two of us. If we had an argument, she would tell me that her bf wouldn’t have reacted this way and how easier he was to get along with. Or another example, how her bf was not nearly as romantic as I, and I was much more charming.
She compared us sexually as well, constantly reminding me how good the sex was btw us, and how her sex life with her bf was always mediocre and basically non-existent. They hardly ever kissed, sex was rare, and in the mere 3 months of dating she said she had kissed me more times than her bf of 3 years. She said she never had this level of intimacy with her bf or anyone else for that matter, and that was a big reason to open the relationship.
This is where red flags started going off.
Also, while sitting with her one day she explained how her bf had a couple crazy ex’s who had ‘broke him’ and THAT was why she was able to see me and have an open relationship. Because he was “essentially broken” (in her words) she told me she has also been able to get away with things with him and other men. She said that she loved him for his intelligence but had never ‘fell in love’ with him, like she said she had with me. I was slowly becoming more and more uncomfortable with this whole arrangement, and it wasn’t feeling genuine anymore.
About a month later she moved back with her bf and I was left still living abroad. This is where everything changed btw us. She became cold and distant almost overnight and it became clear that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. When she finally did talk to me, it was to tell me that her bf wanted to close their relationship and that her bf didn’t like how serious the relationship btw her and I got. I was the furthest she went with someone. While telling me this she also mentioned that she told her bf that sex with me was ‘a lot better’ and that she didn’t feel sexual toward him at all. She said that made him more upset.
We didn’t talk nearly as much but she did say that she still wanted to talk with me and that she would always love me. However, while traveling to another country I sent her a postcard (she loves them and wanted one from me while I was traveling). When she received it, she told me ‘it was ok’ and ‘recycled immediately’. I was so confused and so hurt that she would tell me that. She told me she enjoyed the card but I had to get over it and at this point ‘her bf’s feelings and protecting them are more important’.
I was heartbrokenNeedless to say I stopped talking to her for a while. When we did talk again, she mentioned that she had told her bf that she simply cannot do a closed relationship with him and it needs to be open. She was now dating again and looking for someone to have casual sex with. She had also mentioned that she had been going on dates, one was with a recovering heroin addict and she had had unprotected sex with him already, but he said he was clean.
I tried messaging her shortly after and she totally blew me off, never responded to my question to catch up. She sent me a link to a random web page instead. However, only a couple weeks ago she was telling me how important I was to her and how much she missed me??I have stopped talking to her altogether now, but I just have to say… what just happened? What was this? Was this an open relationship at all?
I’m so confused and looking back I feel as though I was mistreated, and my best interest was never considered.
Was I merely a convenience for her? She claimed to be polyamorous but she didn’t want anything to do with me after she left, besides filling me in on details about her sex life.
I also feel that her bf’s concerns were never really addressed as well and this wasn’t the definition of a healthy open relationship.
I had only been involved in monogamous relationships before, and wanted to experience polygamy because I feel I’m more hardwired this way, but this experience has left me feeling used and really upset.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
