Additional and Disposable relationships

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Orlandobif

Member
I just mentally called myself disposable. I'd like to believe I'm realistic around poly and open to possibility but in reality everything i do outside my marriage is fragile. I don't think of people I'm dating as disposable because my marriage is stable, collaborative and rarely, if ever, say no to each other around other people. But there it was, my name on the self-list under "additional" and "disposable". I'm not sure how I feel about that or why I would think that way.
 
Maybe it's just a fluke?
 
I think I understand what you mean. And I feel something similar. I'm maybe starting a relationship right now. But it is super hard to trust that I could actually ask for what I want in this. Aren't I just something extra for this person, additional and disposable indeed? Why would they want to make their life more complicated for me?

And then again, I do value my time with them and I am willing to make my life more complicated for them. So logically thinking, I'm just being insecure when I don't trust them to feel the same way. I shouldn't label myself or my relationships with demeaning labels like that...

Maybe it is just because I am new to this? I haven't seen it working out yet. I hope I will.
 
I get the impression that many people have had similar feelings (at least a little). But discussion usually bogs down with stern lectures about how "hierarchy is BAD!!" to invalidate the thought & those who'd dare think it.

I can't say that I've ever gone out of my way to have a secondary relationship, yet a few times circumstances have been such that it just happened to go that way, & pretty much anybody could've asked a few simple questions & readily concluded it was a secondary. And I did at the time think about it, much along the lines of
What should I do? I still care for her & enjoy her company, & she certainly seems satisfied with me. We agree that it'd be nice if we had more time together (could live closer, didn't work different shifts, etc.), but this is simply the way things are, at least for the moment.

What are we supposed to do, break up because we can't make it perfect right this second? What would "perfect" look like, anyway? Who gets to define that stuff for us?

Are we bad people because we think we're happy when we're together & our world doesn't end because we don't get everything we'd ask for?
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Self-list

FallenAngelina said:
Are you referring to another thread discussion? What is a self list? I'm confused.
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self-list. Meaning I mentally created a list of disposable relationships with me at the top of the list for them.

All three of us have significant others. The odds this will work for any length of time is slim and that made me feel disposable. When I date couples, well, it's difficult, complicated and fragile. Fragile also means at the smallest thing, it's over. None of us are attached I would guess. It's pretty new (1 month) and with time comes attachment and with attachment less disposable.
 
Orlandobif said:
self-list. Meaning I mentally created a list of disposable relationships with me at the top of the list for them.

All three of us have significant others. The odds this will work for any length of time is slim and that made me feel disposable. When I date couples, well, it's difficult, complicated and fragile. Fragile also means at the smallest thing, it's over. None of us are attached I would guess. It's pretty new (1 month) and with time comes attachment and with attachment less disposable.
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Huh... why would the relationship not working out mean you are disposable? That seems like a leap. There are a lot of reasons relationships don't work.

Dating a established couple can be intimidating and challenging. Why do you feel like the smallest thing would end the relationship?
 
I've felt like this many times, and I always try to think of my symptoms of feeling disposable and see if my partner(s) are reflecting the same ones. For instance, when I feel disposable I pinch my head weird. IDK, I'm weird.
 
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