Admitting Feelings

S

spotthezebra

New member
I feel like I should describe myself before I describe my situation. I'm independent, and don't usually even get into relationships. I like the poly lifestyle because I can have relationships without them taking up too much time or energy on my part. I usually just have one, and let my partner have more so they have other people to hang out with besides me, and I can do my own thing. Also, I usually don't get too invested in people. I don't want to say I'm picky, but I don't develop true feelings for people that often. In the past, most of my relationships have been more about sex than anything else.

Currently, I have one partner. I'm his secondary relationship, although I don't see myself as being that far behind his primary one. They just have been together longer. And this relationship is unique in so many ways compared to most of past ones. First of all, I'm crazy about him. I have been since we met which is crazy since I'm so not used to caring about people this much. Second of all, this relationship is a true one. It's not about sex, although the sex is amazing. And most importantly, I'm pretty sure I love him. For the first time, I think I love my partner. It's fantastic.

Now the dilemma: I want to tell him but I have no idea how. I've only said "I love you" to my high school boyfriend, and I had no idea what I was talking about. Feeling weird about it then probably makes it even harder now. Also, since I'm not his primary relationship, I don't know if that is overstepping some boundary. I think he cares about me at least almost as much as his primary relationship but it's still not something we've discussed and I don't know how to bring it up. Since most of my relationships have been so casual, this has never been something I've even thought about before, and I would really appreciate advice.

I don't expect him to say it back and I'm okay with that. I just want to express how I feel without making him or his primary uncomfortable.
 
Well, polyamory is all about love rather than NSA sex, so I doubt that any poly guy you're dating (or his partners) would have a hard time hearing or learning that someone he's seeing loves him - loving multiple people is the point of poly, after all! Otherwise, we'd all just be swinging. So it would be weird if telling him that would be stepping over the line. If he and his partner(s) have a rule against developing deeper feelings, that is something you should have been told before getting involved. Did he ever tell you that you're "not allowed" to fall in love (if yes, that's utterly ridiculous, of course).

However, what's the rush in telling him? You seem so confused about your own feelings that, if I were you, I would just step back from pressuring yourself to do or say anything about it. Love is simply love -- the feelings will still be there, nothing has to change about your arrangement - why not just enjoy the deliciousness of it all and let it soak in. There is nothing urgent that we need do when we love someone other than love them.

I just think you need to get comfortable with this new experience before you tell him.
 
@nycindie, thank you!!!! That really puts things in perspective for me. It is okay for me to feel this way and I'm sure he'll accept it too. His primary just might be uncomfortable because she's not into polyamory or my being in his life. But she copes and when their relationship affects mine, I tell him and it generally works out.

Also, I loved the blog post in your signature. It really resonated and I'm sending it to everyone now :)
 
Hmm, well, there's a totally different issue, then -- isn't there?

If his partner "isn't really into poly," it doesn't sound like she consents to it - and consent is a major component of poly. If he is having another relationship over her objections, then that doesn't sound very kind, caring, or poly to me. Are you sure you want to be a part of a dynamic like that?
 
She knows and accepts it because ultimately she wants him to be happy and that's who he is. But she is jealous of and threatened by me. We've met and I've always been kind but she doesn't like me and I've accepted that she might not ever like me.

They clearly really care about each other and when this all happened, he went to great lengths to make her as okay with his having another relationship as possible. She doesn't like it but she accepts it, and I don't think what he is doing is wrong since he has her consent to see other people. It's just a grudging kind of consent.
 
Well that could go in either of two directions:

  • She gets more comfortable with it as time goes on,
  • She starts to become resentful about it after awhile.
At the same time she needs to say "No" when she means No, and "Yes" when she means Yes, so that people can take her at her word and don't have to try to read her mind.

On the other hand, if polyamory is a new thing for her, she may not realize these things.

Keep an eye on that part of the situation.
 
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