Arabella28
New member
Looking for advice about my poly/mono relationship… ideally views from both mono and poly people!
Hi Everyone,
I have quite a long post about my current relationship, so please bear with me.
I'm 42 years old and met my 38 year old boyfriend 4 years ago on a dating site. He did not identify himself as poly on his profile (if he had, I'd probably have scrolled past it). But he did disclose this early on in the conversations. I'm mono. I did tell him that I was not experienced with this lifestyle, but did decide to give things a go and said that I wouldn't really know how I felt about it until I was faced with it. He was fine with that.
He was working away from home, and told me had partners back home, but was pretty much alone at the time. (They ended up leaving him due to distance and his career moving around, etc.)
We got on really well, spent a lot of time together and fell in love with each other. We spent every opportunity together and he would come to me every chance he got, until he went on a date with someone else and spent the night with her. Being totally new to this, I was pretty upset and felt jealous and hurt, and worried about him potentially wanting to be with her and love her more, etc. It made me feel really insecure. But we talked it through and he reassured me that I was his primary partner and that he wanted to devote the bulk of his time to me, which he has done for the whole time we've been together. The other girl was more casual and she wasn't looking for something long term, but she didn't like him spending so much time with me, so left him.
He now works away again, but he's had a while off which we spent solidly together. He's never devoted that much time to past/other partners. He's had further relationships since away, including one of 6 years, which he ended because they all wanted the same as me and got upset that he was spending all his time with me. He was thinking of being exclusive with me, but didn't want to end up resenting me, but he's not being very poly right now, and chooses to be with me.
This is all new to him and he's admitted to feeling confused and hurt because he doesn't want to hurt me. We had a break a couple of years ago, and that killed me, but I realised how much I wanted to be with him and make it work, and he felt the same, so we got back together…
Being with him feels natural and right. We have our issues, but we've both been through some really bad times throughout our time together and we've been there and supported each other through all of it. I've met his family. This has never been a ‘thing’ before, so our relationship has (as he says) been more than he's ever had with anyone else, and it has been a test for him in many ways.
I have children and he's obviously met them and they see him as a stepfather. They get on so well and he has such a positive effect on them. They love each other dearly and it melts me to see them together.
My boyfriend does want children of his own at some point, and I told him that I would like to give him that, but my clock is ticking away and he feels like I've got enough to deal with, with my other children, and he doesn't want to put that on me as he's away so much. I worry about this, as I feel like I'm sort of holding him back from his aspiration of being a father and worry about him meeting someone else in the future to share that with. I think it would break my heart, as I'd have liked that with him.
I asked him the other day if he can see himself getting old with me and he said he didn't know. This has left me wondering about what will happen in the future and whether we are actually going anywhere. He doesn't give me a direct or definite answer. He merely says let's just appreciate what we have for now and not look ahead too much.
He doesn't directly tell me about any other partners or new relationships unless I ask him. He says he doesn't tell me as he knows it will upset me. He is concerned that he will hurt me and worries that he should be looking for someone else, but at the same, he time feels content and happy with us, although my insecurities are causing issues, and always have.
I don't know how I'd feel/cope if he met someone half my age and settled down to have kids with them. When I ask him where would that leave me/us, he doesn't give me any answers or reassurance. That would be a game changer. He said to me a very long time ago that his ideal world would involve living with two women and having kids one way or another. He's not mentioned that since, and pretty much sees me and the kids as his ‘home’ and family.
It's all very good for now, but I'm living in doubt as to whether that will always be and if I've just been a ‘do for now’ and a test to work out what he wants. I love him so much and we are so good and committed together, but I'm not sure I'm right for him. He's scared of marriage and commitment that way. I've never loved anyone this much, and I have tried my best not to let any other partners get to me. I do find it hard, but I accept him for who is is and just get on with it. He did say if he moved away permanently with work, etc., that me and the kids would go with him! But I'm not sure if that is was he truly wants.
I don't want our relationship to become any less than it is now, or me to become less a priority if he does meet someone down the line and the situation changes. But after having my own kids, I know too well what it entails and don't know if I can handle seeing him raising children, when I have offered that to him.
Please, can anyone give any advice? Am I overthinking? Am I looking ahead too much instead of concentrating on the here and now? What is the likelihood of my boyfriend finding someone new and feeling that contented and right to have kids with or finding his ideal world? Should I stay in the relationship, or let him go to pursue this goal? If I leave to give him the chance and he doesn't find it, it will have potentially destroyed an otherwise perfectly good relationship.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Everyone,
I have quite a long post about my current relationship, so please bear with me.
I'm 42 years old and met my 38 year old boyfriend 4 years ago on a dating site. He did not identify himself as poly on his profile (if he had, I'd probably have scrolled past it). But he did disclose this early on in the conversations. I'm mono. I did tell him that I was not experienced with this lifestyle, but did decide to give things a go and said that I wouldn't really know how I felt about it until I was faced with it. He was fine with that.
He was working away from home, and told me had partners back home, but was pretty much alone at the time. (They ended up leaving him due to distance and his career moving around, etc.)
We got on really well, spent a lot of time together and fell in love with each other. We spent every opportunity together and he would come to me every chance he got, until he went on a date with someone else and spent the night with her. Being totally new to this, I was pretty upset and felt jealous and hurt, and worried about him potentially wanting to be with her and love her more, etc. It made me feel really insecure. But we talked it through and he reassured me that I was his primary partner and that he wanted to devote the bulk of his time to me, which he has done for the whole time we've been together. The other girl was more casual and she wasn't looking for something long term, but she didn't like him spending so much time with me, so left him.
He now works away again, but he's had a while off which we spent solidly together. He's never devoted that much time to past/other partners. He's had further relationships since away, including one of 6 years, which he ended because they all wanted the same as me and got upset that he was spending all his time with me. He was thinking of being exclusive with me, but didn't want to end up resenting me, but he's not being very poly right now, and chooses to be with me.
This is all new to him and he's admitted to feeling confused and hurt because he doesn't want to hurt me. We had a break a couple of years ago, and that killed me, but I realised how much I wanted to be with him and make it work, and he felt the same, so we got back together…
Being with him feels natural and right. We have our issues, but we've both been through some really bad times throughout our time together and we've been there and supported each other through all of it. I've met his family. This has never been a ‘thing’ before, so our relationship has (as he says) been more than he's ever had with anyone else, and it has been a test for him in many ways.
I have children and he's obviously met them and they see him as a stepfather. They get on so well and he has such a positive effect on them. They love each other dearly and it melts me to see them together.
My boyfriend does want children of his own at some point, and I told him that I would like to give him that, but my clock is ticking away and he feels like I've got enough to deal with, with my other children, and he doesn't want to put that on me as he's away so much. I worry about this, as I feel like I'm sort of holding him back from his aspiration of being a father and worry about him meeting someone else in the future to share that with. I think it would break my heart, as I'd have liked that with him.
I asked him the other day if he can see himself getting old with me and he said he didn't know. This has left me wondering about what will happen in the future and whether we are actually going anywhere. He doesn't give me a direct or definite answer. He merely says let's just appreciate what we have for now and not look ahead too much.
He doesn't directly tell me about any other partners or new relationships unless I ask him. He says he doesn't tell me as he knows it will upset me. He is concerned that he will hurt me and worries that he should be looking for someone else, but at the same, he time feels content and happy with us, although my insecurities are causing issues, and always have.
I don't know how I'd feel/cope if he met someone half my age and settled down to have kids with them. When I ask him where would that leave me/us, he doesn't give me any answers or reassurance. That would be a game changer. He said to me a very long time ago that his ideal world would involve living with two women and having kids one way or another. He's not mentioned that since, and pretty much sees me and the kids as his ‘home’ and family.
It's all very good for now, but I'm living in doubt as to whether that will always be and if I've just been a ‘do for now’ and a test to work out what he wants. I love him so much and we are so good and committed together, but I'm not sure I'm right for him. He's scared of marriage and commitment that way. I've never loved anyone this much, and I have tried my best not to let any other partners get to me. I do find it hard, but I accept him for who is is and just get on with it. He did say if he moved away permanently with work, etc., that me and the kids would go with him! But I'm not sure if that is was he truly wants.
I don't want our relationship to become any less than it is now, or me to become less a priority if he does meet someone down the line and the situation changes. But after having my own kids, I know too well what it entails and don't know if I can handle seeing him raising children, when I have offered that to him.
Please, can anyone give any advice? Am I overthinking? Am I looking ahead too much instead of concentrating on the here and now? What is the likelihood of my boyfriend finding someone new and feeling that contented and right to have kids with or finding his ideal world? Should I stay in the relationship, or let him go to pursue this goal? If I leave to give him the chance and he doesn't find it, it will have potentially destroyed an otherwise perfectly good relationship.
Thanks for reading.
