Advice for Dating a Second Person?

[Hazelnut]

I'm a person who isn't sure about polyamory just yet. A part of, or connected to that-- I don't know if I would really call what I'm requesting a 'date.' What I'm going to ask advice for will also be a bit muddled because: 1) my beliefs are currently in between polyamory and a closed two-person relationship and 2) I have insecurities about how to react around other people I am infatuated with. I think I've always been a stickler to the structure of two-person relationship/love and making sure that I don't do anything too risky with another person in order to not cheat.

I have a couple good friends in mind that I would like to get to know better on a one-on-one hanging-out basis. I find I operate more comfortably in those one-on-one situations. But at the same time they know I have a girlfriend.

And so, what I need advice on is how to ask them this. I think part of my reason for asking advice is reassurance that the other person will not find me strange or odd that I'm asking them out for some personal time with them despite me being in a relationship - that sticky situation.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Seems to me, the easiest way would be just to ask them out for coffee without implying that it's a date. Friends go out for coffee all the time, nothing weird or creepy about that.

Once you're one-on-one, you'll have an opportunity to broach the subject of poly. Sometimes it's easiest to talk about it hypothetically, to gauge their reaction. "I read this article the other day about polyamory. Have you ever heard of it? It sounds interesting."

The other thing, if you think you may be interested in these people romantically, is to talk about polyamory with your girlfriend first. You don't have to mention anyone specific, in fact it's probably better if you don't. Just tell her exactly what you told us (1 & 2). If you end up realizing down the road that you are, in fact, poly, then you'll need to have that conversation at some point. If you have it now and it turns out your girlfriend is dead set against it, then since you're not ultra-committed to poly, you have some time to mull it over before it's really an "issue."

To be frank, no one can promise that your friends won't be weirded out by you asking them out when you have a girlfriend. It depends entirely on the friends, their ethics and experiences, and how close your friendship is. But you can ask them if they'd like to go for coffee without it necessarily being a date...