Advice: her mono boyfriend

P

parcimonieux

New member
TL;DR My wife and I are in a deep and intense relationship with a polyamorous woman who is in a relationship with a monoamorous guy. He mostly approves of my wife but does not approve of me. The three of us agree that this is very undesirable, maybe unsustainable. We have never met him, and he is coming over for dinner tomorrow. Don't know what to do.

I'm sure this isn't new territory for the forum, but I'm finding my stress level is going through the roof today, and I'm hoping maybe this will help.

Us (Aaron and Brady): married for eight years. We both have a long history of swinging, but our relationship has been closed for most of our time together, though not for any particular reason. Almost on a whim, we opened up our relationship late last year and have found that is suits us amazingly well. Brady is truly bisexual (by which I mean she has had real relationships with both men and women, not just sex). We are neither jealous nor possessive, and we trust each other completely.

Her (Corinna): An incredible woman that we've both had a crush on for a long time. She is also truly bi and has been in long-term poly relationships as long as we have known her. Her marriage to a semi-poly guy broke up about two years ago. She was just dating around for a while, until about five months ago, when she started a mostly-mono relationship with:

Him (Dash): From all reports, an incredible guy with an incredible family and a lot in common with us. He was aware of Corinna's poly-ness when they got together, but they have lived mono except for some minor swinging/playing. AFAIK, he has never been in a polyamorous relationship. We have never met him.

Corinna suddenly burst into our lives after she spent a fun and silly night with Brady and me. There were boundaries due to Dash, and we respected them. It was instantly obvious that this was not just a fling; we became immediately attached. Dash is totally okay with Corinna playing with Brady, but it eventually became clear that he is not okay with me. I know this is not particularly unusual, but it was certainly disappointing. There is still plenty to do without breaking the "rules," but...

Fast forward a month and now the relationship between A/B/C has only grown more intense and more serious. The sex is secondary. Brady and I both care deeply for Corinna. I have discussed this a lot with Corinna, and we both agree that the current relationship with these unnatural boundaries is not desirable, and possibly not sustainable.

We are finally going to meet Dash tomorrow when he comes to our house for dinner. I never expected to be so nervous. I feel like I am going to lose my mind! I feel almost desperate to somehow gain his approval and I don't even know the guy. Will he decide he is okay with me/us? Will he want to participate? Will there be chemistry between him and Brady that might help? Of course, I know y'all can't answer these specific questions, but they are tearing at me.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? I want to make him feel comfortable, and understand that I am not a threat, like I'm sure he thinks I am.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Hi! I don't have experience with what you're dealing with, but it occurs to me that you are focusing on a specific outcome (Dash liking you and approving of the situation). I think you need to let go of that a bit.

Why you are inviting them over? Is it just to impress him? Having that as a goal will almost surely fall flat. Here are some ideas to keep in mind, which may help to calm you:
Welcome this man, someone Corinna is fond of, into your home.
Share with him (meaning let him see and observe) the affection you feel for her.
Get to know him, and let him get to know you and Brady.
Build a community.
Break down barriers.
Keep It Simple, Sweetie!

Just try not to think of it as your "chance to make him like you." You have no control over that, nor his resistance to the situation. He will either be on board, or he won't. You just need to worry about being yourself, not convincing him of anything. Think of it as an opportunity to expand your circle of friends and declare your love for your wife and feelings for your girlfriend with someone new present. Beforehand, just remind yourself of all the stuff you are confident about in your life (accomplishments, abilities, etc.), notice how your body feels when you think of those things, and relax into who you are when you feel that way. You'll be fine as long as impressing him is not the goal.


P.S. What does "TL;DR" mean? I've seen it written here before and am puzzled.
 
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Too long; didn't read :)

Wow. You are absolutely right at every level. Thankfully no, we are not having him over just to try and impress him; it's just to get to know each other, and *hopefully* break down barriers in the process. I like to think that I don't harbor any unrealistic expectations about the meeting, and I know we cannot make him do anything.

Despite recognizing that, my fear and tension is definitely coming from focusing on the outcome, even though I know I can't control it. It's irrational but I'm finding it hard not to think that way since it feels like a negative outcome might take her away from us. Which, in reality, it almost certainly wouldn't anyway.

Not to get all gushy, but that was an incredibly helpful and insightful response. I'm somewhat floored. Thank you.
 
You're welcome. Glad to be of help. Just a little bit more...

parcimonieux said:
We are not having him over just to try and impress him.
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I didn't mean to imply that that was the only reason you invited him, but you did say in your first post that you were "almost desperate" for his approval, so it's more like an undercurrent running below the surface.

Despite recognizing that, my fear and tension is definitely coming from focusing on the outcome, even though I know I can't control it. It's irrational, but I'm finding it hard not to think that way, since it feels like a negative outcome might take her away from us, which, in reality, it almost certainly wouldn't, anyway.
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That's okay. Acknowledge those thoughts, but don't feed them, and remember where to place your attention. Break the evening down into moments. Just concern yourself with first things first, each step of the way, like:

Make the space comfortable--
Plan the menu
The cooking (will your guests help out in the kitchen, which can often be fun, or be entertained while the cooking's done?)
Break the ice
Music
Drinks
The table
The food
The conversation
The connections to people you love

Forget about the end of the night and the next day, just be present in each moment, and remember it's all about the love and affection that connect you all.
 
Remember that this guy is probably shitting his pants about now! Sheesh. Dash is in a far worse place than you. Empathize with that. If you are feeling stressed, no doubt he is too, and the two of you can relate.

Maybe make a joke about it when Dash comes in the door. There is nothing like being entirely honest and saying to him that you have been really freaked out, because you want him to like you, because Corinna and what you are developing with her is important to you. You care about her, and who is important to her. You really want to make a good impression, because he means something to her. I would be surprised if he didn't feel safe enough to be just as honest back with you. Being open and vulnerable creates space for others to be so.

I don't think it's a good idea to be keen on Brady developing an interest in him. In my opinion, it's disrespectful to even think about that in terms of a solution. Dash claims to be mono, so I would leave him alone on that one until/unless he suggests otherwise. I would be damned sure, if I were Brady, not to flirt or think of Dash in a sexual/relationship way at all.

I think I would be a good host and make him feel welcomed and comfortable. That's it. The guy has enough on his plate trying to comprehend the lifestyle he is being forced to understand without complicating it with people coming on to him, or offering him something other than a warm hand of friendship. He is your metamour, not a potential lover, at this point.

I would suggest doing some reading on here about mono/poly relationships in order to get an understanding of where he might be coming from. The two are very different. I have found no way to merge the two without compromises that can be really difficult.

I am in a live-in relationship with my monoamorous bf Mono and my polyamorous husband PN. It is very complicated.

In order to be respectful, I suggest knowing something about it. Being openly poly/swingerish can come across in a certain way to a lot of mono folk. If you really want this guy to feel comfortable, I suggest thinking deeply about it, and doing more reading on it.
 
Redpepper, NYCindie, thank you again. Your insight was extraordinarily helpful.

The event itself was somewhat underwhelming, but still enjoyable. We like him. He is nice. We do have things in common. We talked a lot about superficial things.

We drank way too much. :oops::rolleyes:

I detected an undercurrent of resentment, or anger, which I suppose is not surprising. (I don't know him though. This might be normal.) He made one comment in particular that I thought was disrespectful to Corinna. I got pretty angry, but I bit my lip. We all laughed nervously and blew it off.

Later, I found out he apparently felt the situation was forced, which is unfortunate. We were all nervous, but I didn't feel like anyone was insincere.

We did not talk about our situation at all, except for one very brief moment, gently initiated by me, during which he was vocal that he does not think he is poly. Then we were interrupted. I did not press the issue.

After our evening out at the restaurant, he departed a little early, and Corinna came back to our house and spent the night. This did not go over terribly well with Dash when he found out, though she did remind him that he had chosen to leave, blowing off their previous plans for that night.

This was no different for us than most any other night, but in hindsight, given the timing, maybe it wasn't entirely wise for her to spend the night.

I am committed to honesty and caring, even with him. But the devil on my shoulder tends to win in these situations when the alternative is the three of us losing time together.

The next day, he retreated a bit more. He told Corinna that we were nice, but just because we are friends with her, it does not necessarily mean we are all going to be tight. Fair enough. He also has no interest in a relationship with us. That's fine-- there was little or no chemistry. I got the distinct vibe that we should just leave him alone for now.

We are concerned that his method of dealing with this is going to be pretending that it's not there. I've been told to give him time, but how much time? Time for what?

One positive note-- he did say that he wouldn't mind us getting together again, though "not weekly or anything." Better than nothing?

So as of now, things aren't really any different than they were before.
 
Well, at least you all met and everything was out in the open, including the discomfort. I think you can't really do anything to help Dash deal with this. Corinna has to take care of her relationship with him. If he wants to set up rules or boundaries that limit her involvement with you, then it would seem to me that Corinna needs to discuss that with you and Brady, and you all need to make some choices about what you can live with, what you want, what Brady wants, and Corinna wants.

I'm not experienced in polyamory, just starting out on this path myself, but I think that even if you bend over backwards to try and make Dash happy and comfortable, you can't control how it will go. It's his stuff and Corinna's stuff to process, really. She will decide if he's someone she wants to keep in her life.

I would suggest just being yourselves. Don't walk on eggshells around him. Be as affectionate and caring toward Corinna as you want to be. Let her worry about him.
 
nycindie said:
Well, at least you all met and everything was out in the open, including the discomfort. I think you can't really do anything to help him deal with this. Corinna has to take care of her relationship with him. If he wants to set up rules or boundaries that limit her involvement with you, then it would seem to me that Corinna needs to discuss it with you and Brady, and you all need to make some choices about what you can live with, what you and she wants. Even if you bend over backwards to try and make him happy and comfortable, you can't control how it will go. It's his stuff to process, She will decide if he's someone she wants to keep in her life. I would suggest just being yourselves. Don't walk on eggshells around him. Be as affectionate and caring toward Corinna as you want to be. Let her worry about him.
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Agreeing entirely... especially the bold points.
 
Insightful and correct, as usual.

Now that I have gotten past our meeting and calmed down a lot, the commitments we have with Corinna are settling in and I'm feeling better. I trust her, and I should not worry so much, but it's hard when I feel exposed. With intimacy comes vulnerability...

I'll leave up a standing offer to Dash to talk, which I hope he takes. I won't push it, but I also strongly agree that we will not walk on eggshells.

You know what? This is a hell of a lot simpler when it's just sex! ;)
 
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