Advice needed: jealous partner new to polyamory

[vals]

Hi everyone! I am in dire need of advice and guidance.

A little background story: I (32F) have been in a poly relationship with my partner T (32M) for a few years now, and things were (and still are) going better and better. We are growing and learning so much about love and ourselves, and it's wonderful.

Last summer, the relationship with one of my best friends, N (31M, who of course knew about me and T and the whole poly philosophy) became romantic quite suddenly, and its intensity took both of us by surprise. T has been very understanding and left us a lot of space, because this new relationship has been (and still is) as complicated as it is deep and beautiful.

Almost one year has passed, and N is just now accepting the idea of me not changing my mind about being poly, one day, to be with him and only him. His jealousy, not only towards T but also any potential new partner, has brought us to the verge of breaking up already a couple of times. The happiness we feel when things are good, however, has always convinced us to keep on trying to make this work, and N to keep on working on his insecurities and jealousy. (We have been reading a lot of literature on non-monogamy, both together and individually, and talking things through calmly and openly every time he needs to.)

Because of this strong, and at times, all-encompassing jealousy, i have refrained from dating anyone new for a while.

But now I have met someone whom I really want to get close with. N finds it difficult, and after our dates is always very upset. Nothing sexual has happened yet, but we are getting closer to it. This makes me oh so happy, but I know this is going to be quite dramatic for N. We have always agreed, of course, on super-open communication about this new story. Moreover, he knows that he cannot ask me not to love this person, because this would not only make me miserable, but also probably mark the end of our romantic relationship. So there is nothing standing in our way – apart from N's misery, which breaks my heart.

In my gut, I fear that he is just not cut out for a poly lifestyle (at least for now). But seeing him try so hard for the sake of our love keeps me hoping. However, it's difficult for me to enjoy and explore my other relationships with a light heart, when I know he is suffering so, or that he might be angry and upset when he sees me next, leading to long and exhausting conversations. They are very important, I know, but we have been talking so much over the past months!

So, finally, my question to you guys and gals is: how would you deal with such jealous, albeit super loving and caring and sweet, partner? What advice would you give me and him? Which tools might help?

I know he would "just" need a mindset shift, but we all know that this is much easier said than done. In any case, thanks for reading this far and for any advice. Lots of love.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Almost one year has passed and N is just now accepting the idea of me not changing my mind about being poly, one day, to be with him and only him. His jealousy, not only towards T but also any potential new partner, brought us to the verge of breaking up already a couple of times.

For me, I'd put a time limit on this dragging on, like, another X months, or just end things now, because a year is already plenty.

In my gut, I fear that he is just not cut out for a poly lifestyle (at least for now). But seeing him try so hard for the sake of our love keeps me hoping. However, it's difficult for me to enjoy and explore my other relationships with a light heart, when I know he is suffering so, or that he might be angry and upset when he sees me next, leading to long and exhausting conversations. They are very important, I know, but we have been talking so much over the past months!

N could work on himself and on accepting poly with an actual counselor WITHOUT also dating you while doing this work.

You don't have to be along for this ride. This isn't one week, one month in. It's a year later and he's still struggling with this basic idea -- that you are poly. And NO. You aren't going to go monogamous for him "in the end." And you've talked lots, from the sound of it, to no avail. If you could solve it yourselves, you would have. There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help.

I don't suggest people bending themselves into pretzels. He sounds like he's doing that in order to date you, grudgingly accepting T because they were already here, but not really into it or wanting more dating partners in the mix.

And you kinda bend into pretzels, feeling bad he's doing this to himself, and avoid dating people so he doesn't feel more yucky. Kinda shrinking yourself. It doesn't need to be so pretzel-y. It's okay to step back and let him sort himself out on his own. People can break up and get back together if they want to later.

Because of this strong and, at times, all-encompassing jealousy, I have refrained from dating anyone new for a while.

I think that was a mistake. You could have been dating all along, or even just going out on your own, telling N you are not available, and no details past that, so he didn't get used to having you available all the time.

So, finally, my question to you guys and gals is: how would you deal with such jealous, albeit super loving and caring and sweet, partner? What advice would you give me and him? Which tools might help?

I would expect him to do his emotional management himself, and seek counseling help if he really wants to work on this. Maybe https://www.polyfriendly.org/ helps him find someone.

I'd also end it and step back to give him room to actually do it. Or not.

Either way, I'd be free of this stress. While break-ups come with some sadness, he would ALSO be free of this stress, this constant worry or looking over his shoulder.

After the break-up, then it's just him working on it because he wants to, and not because there's added pressure from you wanting to date again or because you have a new person in your life. You've removed all that stress for him.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello vals,

It sounds like N isn't really cut out for poly, he is strictly monogamous, and wants his partner (you) to be monogamous too. It is normal for a monogamous partner to feel jealous if you have feelings for someone else. T is polyamorous, and he doesn't feel jealous. These are just outgrowths of one's lovestyle.

There is nothing wrong with monogamy per se, just as there is nothing wrong with polyamory. N is strictly monogamous and that is okay, it's not a moral imperative that he become poly. What you have to figure out is whether you and he are compatible with each other. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go.

He does not have to force himself to become polyamorous. It is okay for him to say, "I do not want to share you, if you are my partner." I know you have invested a year into this relationship, and that is a lot. But I would not want to see it grow into more than a year, if this is something that just isn't going to work out in the end.

There are, of course, things you can do about jealousy. Here are some jealousy links, N could check them out, and see if they apply to him and would help him feel better.

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

It is going to be hard for him to stop being jealous if he is strictly monogamous, but he should at least give the above links a go.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vals]

There are, of course, things you can do about jealousy. Here are some jealousy links, N could check them out, and see if they apply to him and would help him feel better.

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Thanks a lot for all these sources, i'm going to dive into them! And thank you for your gentle and understanding words

 

[vals]

For me, I'd put a time limit on this dragging on, like, another X months, or just end things now, because a year is already plenty.

N could work on himself and on accepting poly with an actual counselor WITHOUT also dating you while doing this work.

You don't have to be along for this ride. This isn't one week, one month in. It's a year later and he's still struggling with this basic idea -- that you are poly. And NO. You aren't going to go monogamous for him "in the end." And you've talked lots, from the sound of it, to no avail. If you could solve it yourselves, you would have. There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help.

I don't suggest people bending themselves into pretzels. He sounds like he's doing that in order to date you, grudgingly accepting T because they were already here, but not really into it or wanting more dating partners in the mix.

And you kinda bend into pretzels, feeling bad he's doing this to himself, and avoid dating people so he doesn't feel more yucky. Kinda shrinking yourself. It doesn't need to be so pretzel-y. It's okay to step back and let him sort himself out on his own. People can break up and get back together if they want to later.

Thank you. This is actually a piece of advice which many people have been giving us. It makes sense. The most difficult part, however, is that we have been very close friends for a very long time and we mean a lot to each other in our life here – a city where he moved a few years ago, right before the pandemic, and where he does not have a super-rich life yet.

This sense of loneliness attacks him harshly when he is jealous, and even though we both know well that this is not an excuse. It is, nonetheless, hard for me not to feel for him.

Writing this has made me realise how right you are. The best thing for him would be to do the work on himself without me always there to comfort and reassure him. I am not his mum. I deserve to be with a partner who trusts me and my affection, and he deserves to feel this trust deeply.

I love that you believe that people can get back together when they are ready! This is something I completely agree with. Since the beginning of this romantic chapter of our relationship, I somehow knew that we could be great together, but the disproportion in the level of self-knowledge would soon turn out to be too large.

Thank you for your kind words and all the pretzels.

 

[GalaGirl]

The most difficult part, however, is that we have been very close friends for a very long time and we mean a lot to each other in our life here.

So, rely on the past friendship, so it can be a peaceful break-up as possible, under the circumstances. Take a break. Be "plain exes" for a while and do your break-up healing separately. Then, after both are healed, see if you can be "exes and friends."

a city where he moved a few years ago, right before the pandemic, and where he does not have a super-rich life yet.

Years ago? He could get on to building community and making friends. Volunteer, join groups, participate in things online or in person. That is a thing for him to solve. I get that pandemic and lockdown put a crimp in people's lives, and some are still working through pandemic trauma and difficulties. But you managed to find an online community here, right? He could be looking after his social wellness and dip a toe in the water online before moving on to in-person stuff.

It's not your responsibility to solve his social wellness for him.

This sense of loneliness attacks him harshly when he is jealous, and even though we both know well that this is not an excuse, it is, nonetheless hard for me not to feel for him.

So feel for him, and still expect him to solve it himself. You have your own things to learn in this while he learns to build community. You learn to sympathize, without taking it on board for yourself, like it's your job to help, fix, or coddle.

A basic "I'm sorry you struggle" is fine and enough. You don't have to overdo it. It's fine to be there for a partner in reasonable and rational ways, but your partner is not your child.

Writing this has made me realise how right you are. The best thing for him would be to do the work on himself, without me always there to comfort and reassure him. i am not his mum.

Exactly. You are not his mum.

I love that you believe that people can get back together when they are ready!

I know several couples who divorced and then remarried each other later on. I think they needed that time apart to grow/learn some things. If both partners want to, they can get back together. Not all of them want to, but if both do, it's an option.

This is something i completely agree with. Since the beginning of this romantic chapter of our relationship, I somehow knew that we could be great together, but the disproportion in the level of self-knowledge would soon turn out to be too large.

Read the bold again. If you knew it ahead of time, in future, don't date people with this kind of knowledge gap. Expect them to do the work BEFORE getting to date you. Spare yourself the grief.

Thank you for your kind words and all the pretzels.

Glad it helps you some.

Galagirl