Advice needed... new and confused.

S

saz1983

New member
Hi all,

My name is Saz and I am happily married four years last weekend. We have two beautiful and children and my husband is amazing. Everything was great, really great, and then another man walked into my life and now I'm all confused. My husband and I had often talked about having other people in our bed but when the other guy came on the scene this stepped up a notch. Long story short I told him I wanted to sleep with the other guy, and he said ok. So.... I did. And it was amazing. We have this really good connection and I really really like him. Thing is I don't love or want my husband any less. I really do think I have space for both... My husband is now freaking out though. He wants to swing. I tried it yesterday and I didn't like it. Not at all. Although I am happy for him to have other women. Now we don't know how to move forward.... I want to see the other guy. The connection is too deep to just stop but husband is really struggling with the idea of that connection between me and another person. I love my husband so so much. He comes first and always will.... any tips or advice would be hugely appreciated!
 
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Hi Saz,

Firstly, a warm welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new to polyamory myself but you'll find many experienced polyamorists here to help you and your husband on your journey.

It sounds to me like you and your husband are both open to the concept of non monogamy. While you feel that sex without feelings is empty and therefore prefer polyamory, your husband seems to prefer swinging. I suspect that's actually a reasonably common setup. Neither of you are wrong to want what you want and i suspect it can work. In trying to break away from monogamy, I feel that polyamory is harder to achieve than swinging because of the greater emotional involvement that comes with polyamory.

I'd recommend going slow. Transition from monogamy to polyamory at the rate of the slowest person, in this case your husband. As long as he's allowing progressive advancement in your new relationship and as long as he's using the time to learn about his jealousy and insecurities, I think you can do poly. The key factor here is that although he gets a say in pacing your new relationship (polyamory includes having his consent after all) he should actually be working towards allowing you to experience as much emotional or sexual freedom in your new relationship as you and your new partner want as the end goal.

This suggestion of mine where your husband gets to set the pace of your new relationship may not be popular amongst experienced polyamorists, but I would say the suggestion is the most likely one to work for a couple who was previously monogamous. The suggestion comes with the caveat that your husband should be working towards shedding this control that he has over your relationship. The control he has exists because you are in a transition period between monogamy and polyamory. During this transition period, go slow. I hope your new partner can understand this because it won't be easy on him either and a glaring ethical downside to my suggestion is that I've failed to consider his needs in this suggestion. More experienced polyamorists than me can discuss how difficult this may (or may not) be for your new partner and maybe (or maybe not) suggest an expected timeframe for your husband to shed the boundaries he feels he needs in order to transition to polyamory.

Good luck Saz. I hope things sort themselves out for you and your lovers,
Shaya.
 
saz1983 said:
And it was amazing. We have this incredible connection and I really really like him.
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Certainly you can have two deep, abiding relationships. That's the experience of most of us here, anyway. :)

But the difference between your New Love & your husband is that the latter has been with you four years AND you still profess to love him deeply. The new guy has a long, long way to go.

Many monogamous people haven't had much exposure to the whole "falling in love" experience, so they mistakenly credit the object of their desire with somehow causing this.

The reality is that you would probably be claiming that "amazing" "incredible connection" if you'd been assigned any reasonably-acceptable date by Match.com or eHarmony.

Your feelings are valid, & there may indeed be a relationship there... but it's probably not a "one in a million" thing.

I'd like all of you to keep that in mind!!:
  • you shouldn't start thinking that the New Guy is "better" than your husband, because the fact is that it's your husband who has to put up with you on a day-to-day basis, so there's really no easy way to even compare them, much less to compare someone you know (& who knows you) VERY well to another who's barely more than a stranger.
  • Husband ought to settle down, mellow out, take some deep breaths. IME, the problem with swinging is that it usually requires a man to bring a woman in order to be allowed in. It's couplist &, unless he finds a girlfriend to be his "golden ticket," YOU NEED to participate OR you risk being painted as preventing him from finding distraction from your newfound freedom.
  • hopefully New Guy has no interest at all in proving he's somehow superior to Husband, or "getting away with" nailing a married woman. And if he starts playing those games, I hope that you drop him immediately from your life -- you'll be MUCH happier in the long run.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Now we don't know how to move forward.... I want to see the other guy. The connection is too deep to just stop but husband is really struggling with the idea of that connection between me and another person. I love my husband so so much. He comes first and always will.... any tips or advice would be hugely appreciated!
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If husband does not want to deal with his discomfort? And he comes first? You could decide to stop seeing the other guy. With regrets maybe, but you stop. You might be willing to poly, but you are not ABLE to poly, because your marriage is not actually Open for that. Your husband is not willing for that. So you do not have consent of all people involved.

You tried swinging and it's not for you. I don't know if your marriage is Open for your husband to swing on his own. If not? Husband is willing to swing, but you are not willing to swing and you are not willing for him swinging on his own while still with you. So the marriage is not Open to swing. This seems like a separate issue though. Could focus on one thing at a time.

I am happily married four years last weekend. We have two beautiful and children and my husband is amazing. Everything was great, really great,
Click to expand...

If you both were happy enough there... could you go back to a Closed married thing? Is that no longer doable? Stop trying to poly/swing and just be together?

Unless husband wants to work through his discomfort?

Unless you want to split up so he's not in the picture any more and you are free to poly without having to consider his discomfort?

When you cannot have ALL the wants, you have to go with the highest want that can actually happen.

What would be your answer to that? Husband's? Do those line up?

Galagirl
 
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Hi saz1983,

What seems to me to make the most sense is to allow your husband to go out swinging alone, while he allows you to keep seeing the new guy. Some details could be worked out as they came up.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
This sounds a bit like my scenario. Mine started as an open marriage (don't ask, don't tell.) To me meeting a swinger couple & taking the guy as my regular lover, discovering poly, a messy quad & an mfm v that ended badly on one side.

Fast forward......my husband & I swing but separately. I have a regular lover who is a close friend that I have feelings for. When I say we swing separately, I mean we have casual play time with others who are swingers but we don't typically play with couples together. Hubby figured out that he doesn't have to be involved with any of my outside relationships & I don't care to know details of his conquests other than for scheduling.

So, he gets NSA sex, I get it occasionally & I get to have a connection with someone as well. It works for us so I know it's doable.

I so need to update my signature lol
 
I second Ravenscroft in cautioning you about New Relationship Energy. I thought being happily married to a great man made me immune to falling in love so when I did, I felt my universe was changing. Happy NRE chemicals coursing through your veins can really mess you up.

I tried to be as rational as possible. I knew I loved my husband so I did what I could to reassure him even when I was out of my tree on NRE brain chemistry. I felt that giving up my new love, Ray, would be as painful as losing my husband, Tam, just in a different way. I still do. BUT, now, three years later, I see that my feeling of Amazing Connection (tm DivinityOfLove :rolleyes:) was just falling in love. People have always done it and most of the time have had to get over it when it doesn't work out.

You've got two toddlers to run after and probably not much sleep for the last couple of years. You are perhaps frazzled and in need of emotional/intellectual support. The sunlight of a new person's admiration and understanding can make you feel you've found the missing piece of your life. Your new love could be a keeper or could just be a sign that you need a bit more from your husband and/or your other connections.

Be in love, but take it slow. Simple infatuation can run itself out in months and leave you with a wrecked marriage. Keep reassuring your husband that he still means all he has to you. Try to connect with him as much as you do with your new love. Use the high of NRE chemistry to improve your life.

So far it has worked out for us. I adore both my guys and they get along pretty well despite having different temperments. All of our lives have been improved.

It works because neither of them are naturally jealous or possessive. If Tam had not been ready to try to cope with the idea of me being in love I probably would have put up with the pain of never revealing my feelings to Ray. I would have gotten over it as much as I have the other break-ups and losses in life. Not at all fun..but doable.

For me, NRE was fabulous and torture by turns, resulted in a prescription for anti-depressants and some bad poetry, and I wish we all could've gotten through it with a lot less drama.

I'm not sure if this kind of scattered combination of warning and encouragement will be of any help to you.

Good luck!

Leetah
 
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