Advice needed, secondary in poly relationship

T

Tsukune

New member
Hi everyone. For those who don't know me, my name is Tsukune.

I'm in a poly relationship. I'm the secondary in it. They have been going out for a little over 2 years. I started dating her 4 months ago. We've recently had a few issues which we've been working on. By "we" I mean me and her.

I need some advice. It was pointed out to me by her that I don't seem to be as happy. I'm not going to lie. I'm not. I know I come second to her and at times it hurts. I only get to see her a for a few hours a couple times a week, and for most of that time, he is around too. Don't get me wrong-- I like hanging out with both of them. He and I are friends.

But I realize that's not enough for me. I want to be able to spend more time with her, time which she doesn't have. She thinks that I should find myself another girl. (Actually, in her words, she wants me to find a "hot bisexual redhead." She was joking.) She thinks, and I agree, that having someone who puts me first is what I need.

Should I find someone else? If I do, I know that I'd end up putting whoever it is first. How could I not? However, I don't know how that would affect me and her. Honestly, all I want is to be with her. If that means I find someone else, then I guess I should.

Writing this out helped me work some of it out, but I'd still really appreciate some advice. Also, do let me know if I should clarify anything.
 
First off, my advice to anyone who says they are not happy is: why stay? Never make someone a priority who views you as an option.

Why do you not get time alone with your gf? Is her OSO insecure? Does he require that?

Have you asked for more time? What was her answer?

I am the hinge between my husband and my boyfriend. I split my time 60/40 most of the time between the two of them. Most of that is due to my bf's schedule. I would prefer 50/50, but where life is right now that isn't going to happen. I will either go spend the day/night at my boyfriend's house when he is off. either solo, or with my children, depending on my husband's schedule. Or he will come spend the day/night with me. My husband will spend the night in the spare bedroom those nights.

Where there is a will there is a way.

Do you want someone else? If so, then go for it.

Why do there have to be first and second class people in relationships? Why not care/love them for who they are as individuals?
 
Correct me if I am wrong, okay? But I perceive this as: "I'm not as happy as I could be in my relationship as a secondary right now." Could you clarify or elaborate on this?

I know I come second to her, and at times it hurts. (Why? Because of something she does/does not do? Or something you do/do not do?)

I only get to see her a for a few hours a couple times a week, and for most of that time he is around. (Since time shared with her is precious, do you want more of that time alone with her? Have you asked? )

I want to be able to spend more time, time which she doesn't have. (More time in general? Will things in future change the amount of time shared? Like if she's a student, will graduation change her time available? What if her work schedule, or yours, changes?)

She thinks that I should find myself another girl. (Actually, in her words, she wants me to find a "hot bisexual redhead." She was joking.) (Would you rather she empathize with you when you disclose your feelings, rather than joke?)

Honestly, all I want is to be with her. (Are you okay paying the current "price of admission" to get to be with her? She comes as a package with her other partner, and the limitations on her time are what they are. Is this enough for you to be happy long-term, if nothing changes?)

Do you enjoy polyshipping?
Do you enjoy being in a primary-secondary open relationship model, or would you prefer a different model?
Do you enjoy being in a primary-secondary open relationship model with these particular players?

Those are three different questions to answer. Maybe answering them could help you pinpoint where some of the bad feelings are coming from.

You have lots to think about. I suggest you could think about what needs you have that are not being met, and what it could take to meet them so you can feel happier. Think about not being in this anymore, if you find the price of admission to be more than you want to pay. Think about all the possible options. Don't leave any out in your process. Then figure out which option is best for you in the long term, even if it means some short term bad feelings to endure while sorting it all out for yourself.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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There are basically two kinds of "relationship-people."

1) The people who are goal-oriented. They want marriage, house, kids, family, structure. They see relationships as something with expectations to be met and roles to be filled.

2) The people who are experience-oriented. This may not be the best terminology but it's the closest I could think of to describe what I am thinking. Also, this is not necessarily preclusive nor exclusive of "having goals," but is less about expectations and roles. Usually experience-oriented relationship-people are less concerned about accomplishing things within or via a relationship, and are more about taking things as they come and working with what they find.

Figure out which one is more your style. Choose your partners accordingly.
 
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