Advice on a poly break up

[Here4thevibes247]

Hello!

I am new here and to poly/ENM.

I’ve been seeing my current partner for a little over five months now. His primary broke up with him a month after my own did with me. So we both have heartbreak, but the difference is, I didn’t love my primary, whilst my partner loved his. I deal with breakups as a "cut it off and move on" type of vibe, whilst my partner is still struggling with it. From what he’s told me, and we communicate often, it is that he still wants to keep a connection with her, to see if they can maintain a friendship, but he can’t forget about her in a romantic way. He’s said some of the things she’s said were giving him red flags. She was hurtful to him and wanted to see him hurt.

I have no issue with them being friends. My concern is that they both have not had the time and space to heal that part of themselves and are clinging to each other to keep the connection, because it’s safe. I worry that my partner is forcing himself to keep her in his life because he hopes she’ll change her mind about poly/ENM. (The break up was because she wanted to be monogamous and have him choose her over me. He chose himself and told her I was non-negotiable.)

And she’s relying on him because she knows he’ll be there for her. (She mentioned if my partner and I were together one evening, and she was on a date, and it went sour, could she call him to come bail her out? Would I be okay with that?)

There are times he has been thinking of her when he’s with me. I don’t blame him for it. I want him to be able to tell me how he’s feeling. But it comes up more than I’m comfortable with now, and I’m starting to get green-eyed, which I do not want.

She asked him to spend a day antiquing with her and also asked him to go to a concert next week. But he’s also told me that he needs space and will most likely see me again next Monday.

He has assured me that he doesn’t think them getting back together is in the cards, as she has told him point-blank. But when he says he only sees me and her as romantic partners, and no one else, it confuses me. Aren’t you two broken up? Is he saying he still wants to try with her, even though she was so rude to him during their breakup?

Am I being unreasonable in not wanting him to spend time with her, knowing that he still loves her, knowing that it’s hard for him to see her dating others, but also wanting what’s best for her?

There’s more to it than I’ve described, but this is the gist of it

I want to be a supportive partner and encourage his connections, but when it seems to me that the connection in question is a red flag. I don’t know how to word it, with me coming across as the choosy one.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

My concern is that they both have not had the time and space to heal that part of themselves and are clinging to each other to keep the connection because it’s safe. I worry that my partner is forcing himself to keep her in his life because he hopes she’ll change her mind about poly/ENM.

I think you've probably called it, but it's too early to know for sure, since they JUST broke up. I think, for your own mental health, you could step back and not talk about it so much with Hinge.

She knows he’ll be there for her. (She mentioned if me and my partner were together one evening, and she was on a date, and it went sour, could she call him to come bail her out? Would I be okay with that?)

Did he tell you that? If so, why is he oversharing? You don't need to hear all that.

I don’t blame him for it. I want him to be able to tell me how he’s feeling. But it comes up more than I’m comfortable with now and I’m starting to get green-eyed.

Maybe you and he need a conversation about info boundaries as he goes through this break up.

"I feel sad today; break-up stuff on my mind," might be enough data for you to know what's going on and offer to adjust your movie date. Like, don't go to the loud movie theater, maybe just do a movie at home, where you can control the environment and TV volume. Then you and he can still have your date together in a way he can handle.

But not like he launches into TMI details that go on and on. Spending your date with you listening to him talk at you about (him + her), on and on and on, may not be your idea of fun. You thought it was going to be the movies and now it's THIS? You are not the right person for that. Appropriate level support and understanding, you can do. But you can't be like a free therapist having a session with him.

Let him figure it out with her.

For your mental health, it's best you consider them "still together" for now and just have a very separate, parallel poly V. Stand back and stay out of the stuff going on in that dyad. IF it's going to be one of those ping-pong things where they are together/not together, or some other mess, or they work it out in the end, you'll be okay either way.

• if they end up together again, the same, or with a new "FWB" label, it's not your problem. You figured they were still together.
• If they end up REALLY broken up once and for all, and just drag out getting there? It's not a problem for you. You were doing separate, parallel poly anyway.

Be clear in your expectations of him. "Partner, I'm going to step back and let you handle this. I'm going to do separate, parallel poly. All I need to know is the calendar for my dates with you and that you are using safer sex practices."

And then you check before sharing sex with him: "Anything new on your side? New people, old people coming back, changes in risk profile? Safer sex practices used? On my side, there was...."

You both attend to informed consent.

He has assured me that he doesn’t think them getting back together is on the cards as she has told him point blank but when he says he only sees me and her as romantic partners and no one else, it confuses me. Aren’t you two broken up?

It's not confusing to me. She wants to be broken up. He accepts it, and doesn't think getting back together will happen because she's standing firm and told him "no way."

From what he’s told me and we communicate often is that he still wants to keep a connection with her to see if they can maintain a friendship but he can’t forget about her in a romantic way.

He still want to be friends with her. He still has romantic feelings. They JUST broke up. So it makes sense to me. Not enough time has passed to fade those feelings down.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Here4thevibes247,

It seems that you don't want to be green-eyed, and the most effective solution I can see is to remove the source of the green-eyed-ness. She (your partner's ex-primary) is the source. So she needs to be removed. Tell your partner to remove her from the picture. I realize this is a difficult proposition and it will be hard for him, but if he really loves you he will do it.

I am worried about how she will treat him because of how rude she was to him during their breakup. So it's not just your welfare that concerns me, it is his welfare too. He is very vulnerable to her, and she has shown that she can't be trusted.

I'm sorry this is happening.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

He has to learn his lessons. There’s nothing you can do about this. Try to focus on your relationship and let him deal with his. I have tons of opinions about his breakup, her wanting him to be monogamous, etc. but what it comes down to is the only thing you can control is you and the only thing you should speak up about are things affecting your relationship with him. Lack of time, communication, or cancelled dates, etc. you can also speak up about feeling uncomfortable with him dating ANYONE that wants to be mono. This puts particular stress on you which hurts your relationship. He needs to do the work to separate himself from her to heal before they can even try to be friends.

 

[Here4thevibes247]

Thank so much, everyone, for the wonderful advice.

Some things I should have mentioned:

• She broke up with him in August
• We are each others first polyamory/ENM partner/relationship
• We are both only seeing each other since our breakups
• We’ve established that we will not be solo dating and will only include a third for a sexual connection for us to share together

I believe it’s the people-pleaser in me wanting to be there for him by devaluing myself, which isn’t good for either of us. But I also want to be supportive because I love him.

I’ve also learnt I have an anxious-attachment style when it comes to relationships. I don’t want my insecurities from the past to spill into this one, especially since we now both have the type of partner we’ve always wanted.

He has told me this week he wants space to sort his feelings out. I assume it’s mainly about her, but there are other issues too. So I hope he does just that and learns his lessons, like you said, bobbi.

Whether it was aimed at intentionally hurting him or it was coming from a place of hurt, she still did him dirty. What pisses me off is his need to soothe her. Some questionable things happened (not my story to share). Now my partner feels because he wasn’t there for her in her time of need, he has to now, any time she asks him to do something with her.

He can’t let go because he still clings to "what if?" and she can’t let go because it’s the next best way to keep him near her.

 

[Here4thevibes247]

Oh, and I have told him he needs to remove her completely. I see it as nothing wrong with having that feeling of wanting to get back together because you miss them around. But when she has been very adamant it’s not going to happen, he’s stuck between moving on and establishing a healthy friendship, moving on and cutting her off completely, no contact, or forcing himself to stay friends in the minuscule hope they get back together.

It’s like he doesn’t want to show her he’s over her, in case she changes her mind.

 

[Here4thevibes247]

Adding a side note: as I mentioned, he's asked for space for the week, until Monday. My anxious self is now thinking: oh, what if he still meets up with her on Sunday?

I want to be able to detach myself from the worry. This is his choice and issue to deal with. I’m not here to fix it, but to assure and listen, to a certain degree.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info. I mean this kindly, okay? I think you could step back, let him deal with that side of the V without interference, and tell him to stop oversharing.

• She broke up with him in August.

Okay, not this week, but fairly recently.

• We are each others 1st polyamory/ENM partner/relationship

How much education have you done/have left to do?

• We are both only seeing each other since our breakups

Does that mean you are both free to see others if you wanted to, you just don't want to right now?

• We’ve established that we will not be solo dating and will only include a third for a sexual connection for us to share together

While not impossible, healthy triads that form organically are rare. Are you aware you might be called a unicorn hunter?

Unicorns-R-Us

He has told me this week he wants space to sort his feelings out.

So honor his request and let him be. Give him some time and space.

I believe it’s the people-pleaser in me, wanting to be there for him by devaluing myself, which isn’t good for either of us. But I also want to be supportive because I love him. I’ve also learnt I have an anxious-attachment style when it comes to relationships. I don’t want my insecurities from the past to spill into this one.

What personal work are you doing to address this?

Whether it was aimed at intentionally hurting him, or it was coming from a place of hurt, she still did him dirty. What pisses me off is his need to soothe her.

Would you be less mad if Hinge had not told you about all this in the first place, and didn't overshare problems on that side of the V onto you on this side?

Some questionable things happened (not my story to share). Now my partner feels because he wasn’t there for her in her time of need he has to now, any time she asks him to do something with her.

That is all his stuff to deal with, not yours. I happen to think it is wonky thinking, because he does not HAVE to be there any time she asks. But that is the process he has to figure out.

Oh, and I have told him he needs to remove her completely.

Did he ask you for feedback, or are you commenting from the side because of your own feelings around all this and wishing it were a "done deal"?

As I see it, there is nothing wrong with having that feeling of wanting to get back together because you miss having them around. But when she has been very adamant it’s not going to happen, he’s stuck between moving on and establishing a healthy friendship, moving on and cutting her off completely, no contact, or forcing himself to stay friends in the minuscule hope they get back together.
It’s like he doesn’t want to show her he’s over her in case she changes her mind.

Is is hard for you to let him be and let him deal with his things?

Is he also a people pleaser, and it's like he's holding up a mirror, and you don't like seeing it?

Adding a side note. as I mentioned hes asked for space for the week until Monday. My anxious self is now thinking oh what if he still meets up with her on Sunday?

So what? He could do that, or he could go shopping Sunday, or hang out with friends.

I want to be able to detach myself from the worry. This is his choice and issue to deal with and I’m not here to fix it but to assure and listen to a certain degree.

I'm going to guess. (I might guess wrong.) You are not actually worried about him seeing her Sunday. You are worried about them getting back together on Sunday, or her doing some new terrible thing to him, and him just taking it because he's still so lovesick... one of those two. Could that be true?

Galagirl

 

[Inaniel]

It sounds like your head is going into monogamous territory. Becoming a couple looking to share a third, and telling him to remove the ex completely…. This is hardly ENM/Poly.

My mono-typical advice would be that this guy is hanging around with the ex because despite the toxicity, it’s worth it or he still wants something from her. I think it’s a poor choice on your part to escalate with someone who is following a another women around like a needy puppy. Why are you choosing to do that?

 

[Here4thevibes247]

It sounds like your head is going into monogamous territory. Becoming a couple looking to share a third, and telling him to remove the ex completely…. This is hardly ENM/Poly.

My mono-typical advice would be that this guy is hanging around with the ex because despite the toxicity, it’s worth it or he still wants something from her. I think it’s a poor choice on your part to escalate with someone who is following an another women around like a needy puppy. Why are you choosing to do that?

It is, isn’t it? I’ve been in monogamous relationships since forever, and I know it’s not for me. Where ENM/poly is concerned, I’m still learning where it plays a part. I know I want to seek other meaningful connections, but not a romantic one with another, other than my current partner

Needy puppy? Yes, it does seem that way, to a degree. You’re right! Why am I choosing that? I’ve only just realised it’s my own insecurities riding the waves, than it is what I actually want. That makes me sad.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It is, isn’t it? I’ve been in monogamous relationships since forever! And know it’s not for me. Where enm/poly is concerned, I’m still learning where it plays a part. I know I want to seek other meaningful connections, but not a romantic one with another, other than my current partner

Needy puppy? Yes, it does seem that way, to a degree. You’re right! Why am I choosing that? I’ve only just realised it’s my own insecurities riding the waves, than it is what I actually want. That makes me sad.

That type of "half poly" relationship only works if everyone desires "half poly" and vigorously ensures all their relationships stay within those parameters.

I know a lot of successful ENM, but not quite-poly-people, and the fact that it's genuinely their own desire to restrict themselves from "full poly" is what makes it work. Nobody has to supervise their partner and metamour to ensure things aren't straying past where was agreed.

It seems very clear what you want, and your actions match your words. It's not quite the same for your partner, because you're having to lay these boundaries with other people for him.

 

[Here4thevibes247]

Thank you for more info. I mean this kindly, okay? I think you could step back, let him deal with that side of the V without interference, and tell him to stop oversharing.

I understand what you mean about stepping back. I tend to bulldoze when it comes to new relationships and I don’t want to repeat the pattern with this one. As for the oversharing, I wanted to ease his pain by listening, and he did ask for my advice. He apologised for talking about her. But again, in the beginning of all that, I didn’t have the mixed feelings I do now. There is a lot of overstepping now, I feel. I'm trying to find the words to let him know.

Okay, not this week, but fairly recently.

Yes. I feel I may have made myself too available, like with the oversharing. If I had set a boundary in the beginning and let him deal with it, maybe the outcome wouldn’t be this. But I generally felt ok with it.

How much education have you done/have left to do?

Very little. I’m still figuring out what it means to me, hence why I joined this forum.

Does that mean you are both free to see others if you wanted to, you just don't want to right now?

Yes. We have spoken at length about it. We both don’t want another love relationship. Personally, the balance of more than one I couldn’t handle right now. And for him I think it’s either healing from her or hoping it will start up again. And concentrating on us. Once we feel we are ready to date others again, we will.

While not impossible, healthy triads that form organically are rare. Are you aware you might be called a unicorn hunter?

I thought it may turn into one after my primary left. But we all had different opinions.

Oh? It came up in conversation, but not aimed at me. Thank you for the link. I’ll look into that.

So honor his request and let him be. Give him some time and space.

I believe I have done. It’s been really hard. As I have mentioned, my anxious attachment keeps returning. Sometimes I need physical contact to be at ease, whilst he does too but also needs space.

What personal work are you doing to address this?

Speaking with my doctors to find what resources I can access, my friends, finding a therapist. Trying to enjoy my hobbies again. Learning to self-love and how to self-soothe, should my anxiety rise, as I forget myself when with others.

Would you be less mad if Hinge had not told you about all this in the first place, and didn't overshare problems on that side of the V onto you on this side?

It’s not that I’m mad. I like that we can share. I think if he had gone no contact in the beginning it would have helped him grieve the loss of that part of him. But because he still talks about her in a loving way, is still undecided on where to place his feelings and what actually benefits him from keeping her around, I wouldn’t be feeling hurt like I am now.

That is all his stuff to deal with, not yours. I happen to think it is wonky thinking, because he does not HAVE to be there any time she asks. But that is the process he has to figure out.

I know it is, and again, I think because I was around he didn’t have the chance to feel the grief of losing her. He put on a show for me. Yes, I did say he doesn’t have to be there for her. It may just be his need to to keep some connection.

Did he ask you for feedback, or are you commenting from the side because of your own feelings around all this and wishing it were a "done deal"?

He has, yes. My first thought I told him was no contact. He said he couldn’t lose his connection to her. I said I will step back so you can sort this out. He said no, he didn’t want me to. At that point, I should have set boundaries. But because I was so empathetic and sad to see him hurting, having him vent to me was all I could do.

But If she can sway him this much after breaking up with him, where does that leave me? I’m feeling uneasy because it’s affecting our time together. I can deal with it if they do but again, she’s made it very clear she won’t. To me, an ex is an ex for a reason. No contact. Some of the things he’s told me she’s said and done screams red flag. He has even said just that-- red flags!

I’m not going to force him to stop. He has to figure it out for himself.

Is is hard for you to let him be and let him deal with his things?

It is and it isn’t. We’ve gotten a lot closer these past few months, so it feels odd not having him there, or texting as much as we used to. But I’m coming to terms with he’s a fantastic addition to my life, not a replacement.

Is he also a people pleaser, and it's like he's holding up a mirror, and you don't like seeing it?

Yes, we’ve both discussed this.

So what? He could do that, or he could go shopping Sunday, or hang out with friends.

I know it’s his choice. It just hurts knowing he may be doing it to please her.

I'm going to guess. (I might guess wrong.) You are not actually worried about him seeing her Sunday. You are worried about them getting back together on Sunday, or her doing some new terrible thing to him, and him just taking it because he's still so lovesick... one of those two. Could that be true?

I’ve expressed exactly that to him. He needs to grieve the loss of the relationship before he can even think of a friendship. Maybe because it’s still early, he can’t see it. He’s told me he doesn’t want to lose his connection to her because she’s a lovely person and is also going through a lot. But why does he feel he needs to be there? After the horrid things she’s done and said, is that reason to swallow your pain and feelings when she tells you she’s going on dates? When she feels lonely and horny? Asking if I’d be ok with him coming to bail her out of a shit date if he’s with me?

It feels like he’s choosing someone who doesn’t want him, over someone who does. That just feels like bread-crumbing. I see the conflict he’s going through. If he still wants to see her as a friend, then I just think he needs to set clear boundaries with what’s acceptable and what isn’t. But is that really a friendship?

If I keep mentioning to go no contact, I’m starting to get anxious and scared that he’ll leave me. But also, what does it have to do with me? That’s where we are both so similar in putting our own feelings aside to please others, making ourselves available, to have them like us and keep us around. Still trying to detach that part of myself.

Thank you all for the advice. I’ve been feeling really lonely, lost and second best.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info. I mean this kindly: I don't think you can keep doing this forever. It is not sustainable and it seems to be hurting you.

There is a lot of overstepping I feel now and trying to find the words to let him know

"Partner, my bandwidth is low. I can listen for 15 minutes. Past that, you will have to talk to someone else, maybe even a counselor."

"Partner, it was ok at first, but this now is going beyond my capabilities. I can't do it anymore. So I encourage you to talk to other people about this problem. Maybe consider a counselor."

"Partner, I have to break up. You don't seem done with your other relationship and she wants monogamy. I'm not up for waiting in the wings like the consolation prize, so I'm going to bow out."

You can offer limited energy, with a measurable limit; or no energy, but still dating him; or just not dating him anymore.

Even if you were up for listening to his vents before doesn't mean you are up for it forever. Even if you were up for dating him before doesn't mean you are up for it forever.

Very little. I’m still figuring out what it means to me. Hence why I joined this forum.

Ok. You could think about books, podcasts, articles, etc., then.

It’s been really hard, as my anxious attachment keeps returning. Sometimes I need physical contact to be at ease, whilst he does too, but also needs space.

You have now learned to ask clarifying questions.

"When you say you want time/space-- do you mean the just this topic is off the table, and we can still date and share hugs and cuddles, or that you need no contact for a while, not seeing each other at all?"

Speaking with my doctors to find what resources I can access, my friends, finding a therapist. Trying to enjoy my hobbies again. Learning to self-love and how to self-soothe should my anxiety rise. As I forget myself when with others.

Good for you! Keep going with that.

But because he still talks about her in a loving way, is still undecided where to place his feelings and what actually benefits him from keeping her around, I wouldn’t be feeling hurt like I am now.

It sounds like you are scared he's going to go back to monogamy with her, and that he's going to end it with you. But he keeps wavering around and that hurts you. It's like, "Make up your mind, already!" Is that true?

I know it is and again I think because I was around he didn’t have the chance to feel the grief of losing her, and put on a show for me. Yes, I did say he doesn’t have to be there for her. It may just be his need to to keep some connection.

Do you mean he's all over the place in his grieving, so you have trouble trusting what's real and what's a facade?

He has, yes. My first thought I told him was no contact. He said he couldn’t lose his connection to her. I said, I will step back so you can sort this out. He said no, he didn’t want me to. At that point, I should have set boundaries, but because I was so empathetic and sad to see him hurting, having him vent to me was all I could do.

You can still step back now if you've changed your mind. You can still set boundaries. Again, just because you were up for it before doesn't mean you have to keep being up for the venting/listening.

Maybe the consent cartoons help you.

Everyone should see these cartoons about society and sexual consent

Alli Kirkham is a cartoonist from Los Angeles. When the editors at the Everyday Feminism site asked for a comic on consent, she said she immediately volunteered.She came up with seven three-panel comics on the theme of "what if we treated all consent like society treats sexual consent", and they...

www.indy100.com

If you want to step back to more like "parallel poly" and not listen to all this stuff about her, do that.

If you want to take a dating break, do that.

If you want to totally break up, do that.

It is and isn’t. We’ve gotten a lot closer these past few months so it feels odd not having him there or texting as much as we used to. But I’m coming to terms with he’s a fantastic addition to my life, not a replacement.

I am glad to read that. Your lot in life is NOT to be his listening ear. You have your OWN life to be living. It's ok to be partners and share some things, but being his listening ear can't be your only purpose in life.

I’ve expressed exactly that to him. He needs to grieve the loss of the relationship before he can even think of a friendship. Maybe because it’s still early he can’t see it.

This seems to be a circle conversation between you two, just going round and round. It's ok to step off the merry-go-round and go sit on a bench. He can go around a few more times as he processes his grief, if he wants/needs to. You don't have to ride it with him.

Maybe it's time for you to consider your own needs directly, rather than telling him what he needs to do, so that your own needs eventually get met "from the back door."

He’s told me he doesn’t want to lose his connection to her because she’s a lovely person and is also going through a lot. But why does he feel he needs to be there? After the horrid things she’s done and said, is that reason to swallow your pain and feelings when she tells you she’s going on dates? When she feels lonely and horny? Asking if I’d be ok with him coming to bail her out of a shit date if he’s with me?

Honestly, this all sounds user-y to me. I don't know what sort of odd dynamic they have, where he sees that she does red flag behaviors, and he still wants to "keep the connection" and come running any time she calls.

I get break-up grief. I get people having a lot of stuff to work through if they were in some sort of user-y, or abusive, or codependent thing, or whatever this is. But there's also what *you* am attracted to and what *you* am willing to endure. And this is not it. You could end it with him because it's not healthy for YOU to be around him like this and he doesn't seem to have healthy boundaries. You don't exist to be his back-up plan.

Feels like he’s choosing someone who doesn’t want him over someone who does. That just feels like bread-crumbing. I see the conflict he’s going through. If he still wants to see her as a friend then I just think he needs to set clear boundaries with what’s acceptable and what isn’t. But is that really a friendship?

I think YOU need to set clear boundaries on what's acceptable behavior from him and what isn't. I think you could break up and walk away if you don't want to be bread-crumbed.

If I keep mentioning going no contact, I’m starting to get anxious and scared that he’ll leave me. But also, what does it have to do with me? That’s where we are both so similar-- the putting our own feelings aside to please others, making ourselves available, to have them like us and keep us around. Still trying to detach that part of myself.

I think you could make peace with the fact that SOME people are gonna like you and SOME people won't. And that's ok. With 8 billion people in the world, it's not like you have enough hours in the day to be pals with all of them, anyway!

If he's too similar to you, and that's holding you back from doing your own personal work and healing, managing your anxiety, learning not to be so much of a people pleaser, and to like yourself, because you get over-involved in his stuff and neglect yourself and your stuff, then he may not be an appropriate partner for you. You might like him a lot, but it's not appropriate.

You have only been dating him 5 months. Why be so scared of a break up? It hasn't been that long.

Break-ups are a reasonable risk of dating. It's not a measure of your value or lovability. It's just whether or not two people are compatible. Some won't even make it to a second date. Some who are initially compatible won't make it to DEEPLY compatible.

I encourage you to think about setting better personal boundaries here or ending it. It sounds like listening to him is making you anxious, sucking you dry, and dinging your mental health.

Your #1 priority could be your own health and wellbeing. You have to be able to say, "I like/love you a lot. But NO, not even for you will I do things or stay in things that hurt me."

Galagirl