Advice on Checking In on Mono Partners???

V

vansername

New member
I recently discussed the fact that I had figured out my identity as Poly with my boyfriend. I knew that he wasn't prejudiced against Polys or anything, but, I didn't know how he would take it from me, so I was definitely relieved when he told me that the most important thing to him was that I was happy. We laid down some ground rules, and discussed the other guy I have a crush on because I'm big on Polyfidelity and I feel that a big part of it is communicating with my current partner(s) about any prospective partner(s). The guy is a mutual friend of ours, so, my boyfriend was happy with the choice and really cool with me talking to our friend about it/pursuing something. I'm just nervous about discussing our friend with my boyfriend now. I don't think he'll get jealous, but, I also don't want him to think that, because I'm excited about a new crush, my feelings for him are fading. Does anyone have any advice on trying to gauge whether or not I'm talking too much about other partners/prospective partners, how to ask my partner(s) if they're feeling neglected, etc?
 
Just ask.

I'm mono, and my partner checks in on my state of mind from time to time (asks me how I'm feeling, if there's anything I want to talk about, etc.). Sometimes it leads to a really good conversation about something I was struggling with, but wasn't sure how (or if) to talk about it, and sometimes I really am doing just fine, so it ends there.

As long as he's honest with you (and it may help to make it clear that you will be taking his answers at face value), then asking once in a while and accepting his answers should help things work out for the best.
 
For me, having been mono with rocky, and now poly. We just play it by ear. I recently had sex and mentioned it in passing to rocky, and rocky was curious but respected that, mine and trips relationship is separate to him, and also means we have our own moments all of our own. I set up a few things that are just ours, like watching game of thrones, and also a set of underwear. These things helped Rocky feel special when other things were shared like, similar local food places etc. plus, I used the crush nre energy I get with trip and channel it back to rocky. It's a win win personally. It just depends how much you want to talk about things, and how much each partner is ok with. My partners are very chill about me posting here, and talking generally about each other. :) but we keep details of personal emotional things, and sexual things, private. I can say having that extra mystery about me hasn't hurt my relationship with rocky one bit. Lol.
Oh we also do random check ins once or twice a month, where I simply say to rocky, hey I need "check up" on our relationship. Are you happy? Do you feel respected? Are we still working well together? Anything we need to talk about? Etc. sometimes this is a five minute conversation, and sometimes it's an hour a day for a few days until we come to a compromise or process new things.
 
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Thanks guys, this is really helpful. It's one of the things that I'm struggling most with because he is the first person I've ever really loved, and I don't want him to feel neglected or like I'm drifting or anything.
 
Yeah, communication is the key. Whenever you're wondering about something, just ask.

You'll have some NRE to deal with on new partners, so it does make it tricky to balance a new relationship with the old. I suppose the thing to do is be conscious of the NRE, and know that you do need to strike a balance. Oh and be sure you communicate. :)
 
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