I need some advice. My husband and I have been poly for 3 years now, and poly or not we've had a lot of issues. He has lied and cheated numerous times, has a gambling problem, and really an honesty issue all together. Whenever we fight everything is always my fault no matter what. Even if we've argued in front of people who agree with me I am always wrong. Now I have found a partner who i've been dating awhile and we've been talking about starting a life together. I can honestly say I have exhausted every option in my marriage and nothing has worked. I am done and ready to move on. I am just wondering if anyone has been in this position before? How did your family take it? My family doesn't know I am this way so I have no idea how I am going to introduce the bf, and how I am going to tell my husband. We have two children together so I want this to be as easy as possible.
Advice on Divorce For Other Partner
- Thread starter Kittykate
- Start date
Infinity
New member
It sounds like you've been ready to divorce for a while, and boyfriend is just the catalyst that made you willing to act now. I'm a big fan of the path of least resistance, and telling people on a need to know basis. I would just tell husband it's over - all the reasons you've listed are reason enough. You don't need to tell him about other boyfriend. And then, what's wrong with introducing boyfriend to your family later on down the track? I'd also say be careful of rushing into building a life with boyfriend right after break up with husband. You need time to heal from the divorce, the abusive relationship and re-establish some healthy relationship patterns, boundaries and expectations within yourself. Otherwise you risk just bringing the same energy from the old relationship to the new one. Just my 2c worth 
Yeah, it sounds like you very much need out of your marriage. I hope this sounds helpful, not condescending or something. Have you an exit plan? Money of your own? A job that allows you to be self supporting? You don't say how long of "awhile" you have been dating your new partner but beware of jumping while blinded by NRE. Your partner may or may not be as ready to catch you as he thinks. Be sure you have your own parachute and a fairly clear landing spot. If you have that set then you can ease into your new life and introduce your new partner to people once the dust has settled. (How's THAT for an extended metaphor?)
Your kids will need as much stability as possible and if you can manage an amiable separation (though it sounds like that may be hard to do with your husband's personality) then your life will be so much simpler. You might look at Spork's blog in the Life Stories threads as she is dealing with a difficult almost ex husband with whom she shares kids, come to think of it there are a number of threads here dealing with poly, divorce, and kids.
Leetah
Your kids will need as much stability as possible and if you can manage an amiable separation (though it sounds like that may be hard to do with your husband's personality) then your life will be so much simpler. You might look at Spork's blog in the Life Stories threads as she is dealing with a difficult almost ex husband with whom she shares kids, come to think of it there are a number of threads here dealing with poly, divorce, and kids.
Leetah
We have been dating for a good while and he understands what he is jumping into. There are a few people on my husbands side as well so we are going to let others know that yes there are others involved. I don't have a job, but am looking. We are still working out the details. Husband is upset but he understands and is working so that everyone makes this an easy transition. Both of our serious partners have been around the kids a lot so it is just working is two apart essentially. He's not really been around for the kids as much so it's a bit easier. Only one we are easing in with the situation is my soon to be ex stepdaughter who is 5 and our families who didn't know we were poly. We are just working on splitting finances and such right now so I can stay until boyfriend finds out more about his career. We've all known it's been a long time coming and that things weren't working out so that has helped in the situation a lot.
breathemusic
Active member
As the g/f, I'm dreading this same situation. My primary partner and his wife are slowly and amicably working toward separating, which I'm sure would ultimately include divorce (though maybe further in the future when larger finances like the mortgage/car loans can be settled). My partner had only within the last 6-9 months told his parents and one of his 2 siblings about them being poly. The other sibling still doesn't know (unless told by other family) because he's wanted to tell everyone in person and his family are all spread out so he doesn't see them often. So now I'm at a point where they'll probably be separated in the next 6 months or so, and I've never met his family, but they know he has a g/f and I'm just wondering if they'll end up assuming that opening up and having other partners is why they're now separating. Ugh. While I generally don't care what other people think, I did actually want to be able to meet my b/f's family and hopefully get along. So I'm just hoping that this doesn't color their opinion of me before I've even had the chance to meet them!
So basically, I don't really have any advice, but I certainly can extend my sympathies!
So basically, I don't really have any advice, but I certainly can extend my sympathies!
I would start proceedings immediately, especially as it's so toxic.
Don't share news about divorce in the same breath as news about current partner. People will think you are rebounding. I speak from experience on this.
I was in an abusive marriage for nearly two decades. I spent the last 7 years preparing for the divorce/escape career-wise and financially. I was a stay at home mom at the time, and had to go back to school and establish a career, save money, and finally be able to leave.
Unfortunately, and without looking for new relationships, Beloved and I fell in love as the marriage was going through it's final death throes. It looks an awful lot like rebound, through close friends know it's not. Ex moved out at about the same time I started to enter a poly family relationship.
Until the divorce is final (which will be in the next few weeks!!) we are kinda keeping our relationship under wraps. Kids know and love the new poly family. It's a risk I am taking to let them know. I have never asked them to keep secrets, but so far they have been protective and not told ex, with whom they have a difficult relationship with anyway. If Ex had a real problem with it, it could affect custody hearings with a less-sympathetic judge.
It sounds like your mom is angry about things right now. She may come around as your partners stick around in your life and are part of it.
I wish you strength and courage as you leave that difficult marriage, and I wish you the strength to be independent in your own right, even as you embrace your new love.
Don't share news about divorce in the same breath as news about current partner. People will think you are rebounding. I speak from experience on this.
I was in an abusive marriage for nearly two decades. I spent the last 7 years preparing for the divorce/escape career-wise and financially. I was a stay at home mom at the time, and had to go back to school and establish a career, save money, and finally be able to leave.
Unfortunately, and without looking for new relationships, Beloved and I fell in love as the marriage was going through it's final death throes. It looks an awful lot like rebound, through close friends know it's not. Ex moved out at about the same time I started to enter a poly family relationship.
Until the divorce is final (which will be in the next few weeks!!) we are kinda keeping our relationship under wraps. Kids know and love the new poly family. It's a risk I am taking to let them know. I have never asked them to keep secrets, but so far they have been protective and not told ex, with whom they have a difficult relationship with anyway. If Ex had a real problem with it, it could affect custody hearings with a less-sympathetic judge.
It sounds like your mom is angry about things right now. She may come around as your partners stick around in your life and are part of it.
I wish you strength and courage as you leave that difficult marriage, and I wish you the strength to be independent in your own right, even as you embrace your new love.
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Your mom says "If" there is someone else, why should she know when you started dating? Wait a few weeks after the divorce is filed, or you move out, or whatever counts as her boundary, THEN tell her about the new guy you are dating who makes you so happy after years of ill treatment.
Leetah
Leetah
Thanks for the advice and stories everyone. We told our parents on all 3 ends and so far the only one who isn't supportive are mine like usual. But I told her pretty much she can't stop it I am an adult and this is my choice. Soon to be ex husband is being really supportive through all of this he has realized his faults in the marriage and thankfully everyone has still been able to get along great like we were for the kids. We are all working on moving forward in this so that once my divorce is final, we can get married right away so the kids and I can have everything set up and settled without any lapse in anything since my daughter has autism. It is great so far.
A2Poly
New member
This.
