Advice on learning not to seek validation

[Mara]

So, I have come back to this site after a hiatus away.

Not sure where to begin or what to talk about but have realized that I need a space to talk about polyamory issues.

I am married to saltandredpepper. Almost 4 years now. Our anniversary is Feb 2! We are involved in a long distance Triad with a woman I shall called Birch. I am bisexual but saltandredpepper "SRP" is not. Including SRP and I she has 5 "dates" as she calls them. She practices "Solo Polyamory" and does not live with any of her dates. She is very independent, emotionally detached and prone to being somewhat of a D.

We met Birch last year and became involved with her after being "cruised" by her... She is compelling, much younger than us and Queer. She mesmerized me.

So, she came to stay with us for a month back in September and I began to notice that she was more attracted to SRP than she was to me. I noticed that she looked at and touched him in ways she did not touch me. I began to develop insecurity around this knowledge and found myself pulling back from her. Which probably only made things more strained.

I feel myself shutting down and feeling "less than" in this triad and feel sad and depressed.... What was so promising has become something that makes me feel sad. It seemed for a while that the NRE between the two of them was crazy. I began to feel like I was a "side dish" of no consequence.

She started a demanding residency after she left our house in October and now I don't hear from her very often because she works 16 hours day and can't text. And while I understand that she is busy and consumed with the residency, emotionally it has begun to feel like I don't matter. Which is bullshit on my part. I find I have more of a need to communicate daily than either SRP or Birch. Silence from a partner or "date" feels like death to me. I just don't understand why I feel like this.

I'm looking for ways to not seek validation or love from them....

Darn, I'm losing track of myself in this post.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are sad.

To me it sounds like you have certain things you want from a relationship.

• Silence from a dating partner feels like death to you
• You prefer like high contact levels.
• You want to communicate daily.

So... you've been dating Birch. She doesn't make the cut for your personal standard.

• She is solo poly, very independent, emotionally detached and prone to being somewhat of a D.
• She has a demanding residency job that sucks up a lot of her time. She works 16 hours day and can't text.
• So no.... she's not going to be doing the "high contact" stuff with you that you want from a long haul dating partner.

Conclusion? Not compatible for you as a long haul dating partner. Personalities and life styles do not match.

You are bummed out about this. Which is ok to feel. Not everyone you date will be a compatible long haul runner. That's just how it is. You could end it with Birch and "break up officially" so you can start the healing process and move on.

SRP is also dating Birch. But it might be hard to watch right now since you are contemplating breaking up with Birch. Usually when you break up with someone, you can stop having them around so much. But if Birch is still dating SRP... she's still "around" because you live with SRP. Maybe that feels triggery or awkward right now. Maybe what you learn from this experience is that you prefer NOT to date the same people SRP is dating in future. Because then if you have to break up with them, they aren't still around.

I noticed that she looked at and touched him in ways she did not touch me. I began to develop insecurity around this knowledge and found myself pulling back from her. Which probably only made things more strained. "

I wonder if the order of events goes more like this if it were like a slow motion movie:

I see Birch looking at SRP and touching SRP in ways that are different than how she looks at or touches me.

• I think she touches him "better" than she touches me.
• I think I am "less than" and a "side dish of no consequence."

This thinking behavior makes me feel bad. To cope with bad feelings...

• I pull back from her.
• I shut down.

​

If that's how it went?

I do not think you are developing insecurity from watching Birch look at SRP to touch SRP. I think you feel rattled and destabilized/insecure because you beat up on your own self in your thoughts and devalue yourself in your thoughts. Nobody feels great being their own self bully.

Why do this?

You and Birch were not compatible personalities. Maybe SRP and Birch are... or maybe they aren't. They are still discovering that. But you and Birch? Not a match. A bummer, maybe. But no need to go bullying your own self about it.

Does Birch suck because she has a demanding job and independent prefererences where she doesn't want to be doing high contact stuff? No. She is allowed to have her preferences.

Do you suck because you want and like high contact from a dating partner? No. You are allowed to have your preferences.

You and Birch just don't match in what you want from dating relationships or what you can give to dating relationships. Nobody's fault. Just a Limit of the Universe.

Why do you need it to be "your fault" like you are "not enough" or "less than" or "failed" or something? What does that do for you?

I'm looking for ways to not seek validation or love from them....

Having some comfort needs at the start of a break up process (since you seem to be thinking about breaking up with Birch) is natural. It's not being "clingy or needy."

You could comfort yourself, or ask for comfort from SRP or other friends. Probably not Birch, since she's the STBX.

Being bummed out about a pending break up is one load of ugh. You cannot help that you and Birch are not a match.

You don't need to add self bullying to make it "double load" ugh. You CAN help whether or not you sit around beating you own self up.

You could validate yourself and your feelings in your thinking rather than call yourself names like "less than" and "of no consequence" in your thinking. Like...

• I feel disappointed Birch and I don't match. We have to stop going together. It's ok to feel bummed out over a pending break up.

• I feel envious because SRP and Birch are still going. It's ok to feel that. It is part of the sadness with a pending break up when you date the same person your other partner is dating.

You are in a romantic relationship with SRP. If you want to re-connect with him, want reassurance that he loves you, want comfort because you are sad... ASK for what you need.

• "I feel sad. Could you be willing to comfort me with a hug?"
• "I feel lonely and miss you. I want to reconnect with you. Could you be willing make a date to spend time with me?"
• "I need to hear kind words. Could you be willing to tell me you love me?"

If you realized that Birch cannot give you want you want from a dating relationship, stop dating her. Break up, be sad WITHOUT beating your own self up, heal, and move on. Take constructive steps that lead toward healing.

Do not take destructive steps like self bullying that lead to self erosion or self devaluation. You can't feel secure/stable in your own self if you are the one rattling your own cage.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Mara,

I think that in your thoughts, you know that you are a valid person and that Birch isn't purposely trying to exclude you. But in your feelings, you feel invalid and you feel like Birch is pushing you away, favoring SRP. It seems to me that to some extent, you can ride out the emotional insecurity on the strength of the mental certainty. You can sit back and be present with your emotions. You can observe them. You can take a few long deep breaths and say, "So, this is what it's like to feel insecure/invalid." And you know the feeling is illusory, so you know you can ride through it and get to the other side. Meditate, if you will.

With Birch's residency, I can't imagine she has time to date anyone right now, but I could be wrong. Maybe when the residency is done you could talk to her about what needs you have in a relationship, and see if she is willing and able to meet those needs. If not, well, you try to part ways amicably.

Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.