advice on opening up

E

Ewing

New member
Hi. I've been in the same relationship for 9 years. Recently, my spouse told me she wanted both of us to have the freedom to hook up with other people. Well, I really didn't mind the idea of a random hookup, but was bothered by the idea of her being with someone more then once and making plans to see people.

I have explained that I am not against the idea in general, but b/c of our history, and where we are in rebuilding our relationship and individual selves, after a long period of struggle, I'm not ready to be comfortable with that type of thing.

She has agreed that doing things that knowingly hurt the other person is toxic to our relationship. She or I can make those choices, but it has been acknowledged that doing so would be harmful to our relationship.

Anyway, the thing is she wants is to go out on a date with someone, because she says it will help her figure out how she feels. It is hard not to feel that her decesion to do so contradicts her telling me she is willing to go at my pace and not do that sort of thing until we work on some other stuff. It make me feel like when she asserts that she is sure I'm the one she wants to be with, that she is being less then honest. I also can't see myself knowingly doing something that would hurt her, and enjoying it, and have trouble not dwelling on these thoughts.

The road to our current understanding has been a little rocky, so it's possible that the arguments we had are pushing her in the direction she wants to go. Still, I know she feels bad about making a choice that hurts me.

I'd just like your feedback. Is there something in here that I may be missing? Words of advice? Anything? Thanks.
 
Polyamory requires lots of understanding, trust, and communication. The two of you really ought to have your act together before proceeding. From what you've written, it sounds like there are other issues that are not completely resolved. Adding new relationships on top of an unsteady one won't help.

It really sounds as if your spouse has made this decision unilaterally.
 
Nine yrs in... any kids?

What were her reasons for wanting to open up the marriage?

I wrote a thread a while ago called restless heart syndrome. Read the first few entries and let me know what you think.
 
bookbug said:
Polyamory requires lots of understanding, trust, and communication. The two of you really ought to have your act together before proceeding. From what you've written, it sounds like there are other issues that are not completely resolved. Adding new relationships on top of an unsteady one won't help.

It really sounds as if your spouse has made this decision unilaterally.
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Thank you. We definitely have things to resolve.

While she did kinda make the decision unilaterally, it was that or sacrifice to make me most comfortable. To her credit, she has taken the time to understand how I feel. She also says is willing to work on us first, and even says that what she is asking for isn’t fair. She just feels she can’t move on unless she does this once.

Other then my insecurities, the problem is that she seems to want to do this and wants me to say that it won’t bother me. I can’t. I told her she should do what she has to do, that we can survive it, but that it's likely going to bother me and we will have to deal with that.

Also (this is what I've been thinking about most recently), if she goes through with it, I want to know what happens. I even want to know if she plans on sleeping with him, or will consider it, beforehand. I know it doesn't make total sense, but if she sleeps with him after we have gone through all these emotions with regard to this issue, I think i would be pretty upset. I'm really not sure how deal with my emotions on this one, whether I should say something, how I should feel, etc.

Thanks again.
 
dingedheart said:
Nine yrs in... Any kids?

What were her reasons for wanting to open up the marriage?

I wrote a thread a while ago called restless heart syndrome. Read the first few entries. Let me know what you think.
Click to expand...


No kids. No plans for kids. My spouse was sick for a good period of time. Recently she has been better. I think when she was down, we both got pretty weak. We lost all our friends, our confidence, etc. I also became resentful while trying to nurse her.

I am sure she is missing excitement, and I guess this would be an easy way to get it. I relate to the thread you recommended a lot. I feel like now we are strong enough to work on us, so we should. It's tough. I also think we agree on that. It's still pretty crazy.
 
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Ewing said:
Other then my insecurities the problem is that she seems to want to do this and wants me to say that it won’t bother me. I can’t. I told her she should do what she has to do, that we can survive it, but that its likely going to bother me and we will have to deal with that.

Also (this is what I've been thinking about most recently), if she goes through with it I want to know what happens. I even want to know if she plans on sleeping with him or will consider it before hand. I know it doesn't make total sense but if she sleeps with him after we have gone through all these emotions with regard to this issue i think i would be pretty upset. I'm really not sure how deal with my emotions on this one, whether i should say something, how i should feel etc.
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I think, based on my reading here, that it's totally reasonable for you to say something. I don't think she wants you not to feel (and if she does, that's pretty heartless).
 
You both agree on working on your relationship as a couple, and also want to work on removing the resentment or stigma of the nurse/patient relationship. But her plan includes dating and banging other men. I'd try counseling first. Get on solid ground before dealing with the complexity of all this.

At least have her look around here first.
 
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NovemberRain said:
I think, based on my reading here, that it's totally reasonable for you to say something. I don't think she wants you not to feel (and if she does, that's pretty heartless).
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She doesn't. She actually sees her request as unfair. However, I feel like if she's getting a pass (even if only b/c she can't let it go) that i should not be interfering, or setting guilt traps by sharing how I feel beforehand. I think I'm actually close to terms with her going and trusting her, at least at the moment. But I think this feeling might have some sticking power. Her actually being with him (or the idea of) still might make my blood boil.
 
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Okay, for you to deal with this, you need to understand the base emotions you are dealing with. You cannot resolve any of this without understanding where you yourself are coming from. Based on what I am reading (and between the lines) you are jealous of this decision and maybe that is coming from some insecurities on your part, i.e., she finds a guy and leaves you.

I think this is what you need to address directly with her, but you need to fully understand your feelings first. Imagine some scenarios and then see what the feelings are, truly understand them, communicate them to her.
 
Ewing said:
Her actually being with him (or the idea of) still might make my blood boil
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This right here should make her NOT want to sleep with another man. Seriously. If she is really putting your relationship first, doing something that pisses you off before it even happens is obviously not the way to go. Now, if you think you might be ok with it sometime in the future but not right now, going on this date that she planned might not be a bad idea, as long as she has the strict understanding that she is NOT GOING TO SCREW HIM. If she doesn't go into it with a firm grasp on that, she probably will end up doing something that really upsets you, and it will be on purpose, and as she has apparently acknowledged, that is toxic to the relationship.
 
Ewing said:
My spouse told me she wanted both of us to have the freedom to hook up with other people. I didn't mind the idea of a random hookup, but was bothered by the idea of her being with someone more than once, and making plans to see people.
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Just a thought-- that sounds like if she were out at a bar, and met somebody and slept with them right then and there, you say you don't mind that idea, as long as she never sees them again.

I am a bit confused on this, because, she might think that since you said this, if she has sex with somebody once/right away you won't be bothered by it, which could lead her to having sex with somebody before she really wants to or is ready, because she feels the desire to be with other people, and thinks it's the only way you've agreed it might be acceptable to do so. If she does that, she'll probably feel crappy and get resentful, so I would really clarify.

Wanting to have one-night stands and wanting to date are two different things. I understand how one seems less threatening. Has she indicated at all that one-night stands are something she has any interest in at all?

If her needs are to want to get to know somebody a bit before sleeping with them to feel safe/comfortable, and your needs are to not know them at all to feel safe in your relationship, I wouldn't just let the chips fall where they may. I would want to discuss it more. I can't fathom sleeping with somebody on a first date, especially if it would cause problems with somebody I was partners with. It really does seem you should both be more clear with each other about what sort of outside sexual experiences you are looking for before anybody jumps into bed.

I have to assume that after you said you were more okay with random hookups, she had a response about whether she wanted that, or not?
 
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