RumSodomyLash
New member
I'm quite new to poly and having my first real poly hiccup, and could really use some advice and different perspectives. As background, I am both poly kinky, as is the relationship about which I'm looking for better understanding.
I have a wonderful friend/partner whom I've been dating, engaging in BDSM with, and sleeping with for about seven months. We've both dated other people throughout that time, about which we've been open with them and with each other. I've never felt remotely jealous (until recently), and neither, as far as I know, has he.
For the last few months he's been extremely busy with work, and hasn't been very available or responsive. I get it - shit happens. During this same time, he's started dating someone new. He knew from the beginning that she was interested in a monogamous relationship. He told her that he wasn't open to that. This is about as much as I knew about their relationship, aside from the fact that they see a lot more of each other than he and I do for the simple reason that they live three minutes apart, and I live an hour away.
I never thought much about their relationship, mostly because I tended to think of it as having little if anything to do with my relationship with him. He and I aren't primary, the two of them aren't primary, we're all just dating. The other day I opened up Fetlife (the BDSM equivalent of Facebook), and lo and behold, there's a notification that he's officially "dating" someone. I'm a bit curious, because it's not his style to do the whole social network relationship thing, so I look at her profile and along with a sentence that identifies her to me as this particular person, she also refers to him as her boyfriend. I was spun. Somehow her use of that word made me feel threatened and jealous and suddenly i was wondering whether his non-responsiveness and the fact that he hadn't been wanting to play were because of their relationship.
I pondered for a day, then did the adult thing and called him to talk about it. I let him know that I was feeling insecure, and that it had been sparked by reading her referring to him as her boyfriend, as well as by our recent lack of face-time and BDSM play. He asked what I needed from him in order to feel better, and I told him that I needed clarity on where the two of us stand. I asked specifically about our reduced contact and lack of play, and he attributed them squarely to his work-stress. He then proceeded to explain that she's been trying to maneuver him into an exclusive relationship despite his repeated assertions that he's not open to that. He described a bunch of behavior, including her repeated use of the term boyfriend when introducing him to people even though he's told her that he doesn't want to inhabit that role, and her repeatedly asking "aren't we exclusive now" when they've never agreed any such thing. He told me that there's a decent chance that their relationship will fall apart because of this issue. He also told me that he in no way wanted our relationship to suffer, and that he would work to be more available and responsive to me, and he told me that he was glad I'd brought the issue to him.
I now find myself deeply confused. My various and sundry trains of thought are as follows:
On the one hand, I don't feel nearly so threatened now that I have been reassured that his reason for not being all that responsive or in the mood to play lately has nothing to do with her.
On the other hand, I don't particularly like that he was speaking ill of her to me - it just seems inappropriate.
On the other other hand, I really don't like that there's someone actively trying to eject me from his life, and that he hasn't shut it down for good. It feels really disrespectful of my feelings, on her part, and I wish he weren't so tolerant of it.
Then again, this last part may or may not be any of my damned business.
In my conversations with friends since he and I talked it has been pointed out to me that I may be getting too emotionally invested in what's going on between the two of them, particularly in judging her behavior.
Another thought about which I feel extremely silly is this: I feel badly about the fact that his profile on the social network that we use (not particularly actively, though) now acknowledges her but not me. It makes me feel less-than, invisible. That being the case, I would rather like that same acknowledgment for our relationship (this is totally possible on Fetlife - one can list an unlimited number of relationships of varying kinds). That, however, seems like the sort of thing that might well set off problems with her, since she clearly resents my existence in his life. Had I, therefore, ought to remain silent about the matter in the interest of harmony? Since I probably care less about it than she does (after all, it has never occurred to me to want this before), I wonder whether asking for it now is a form of keeping score or pettiness.
Thank you in advance for your advice and perspectives.
I have a wonderful friend/partner whom I've been dating, engaging in BDSM with, and sleeping with for about seven months. We've both dated other people throughout that time, about which we've been open with them and with each other. I've never felt remotely jealous (until recently), and neither, as far as I know, has he.
For the last few months he's been extremely busy with work, and hasn't been very available or responsive. I get it - shit happens. During this same time, he's started dating someone new. He knew from the beginning that she was interested in a monogamous relationship. He told her that he wasn't open to that. This is about as much as I knew about their relationship, aside from the fact that they see a lot more of each other than he and I do for the simple reason that they live three minutes apart, and I live an hour away.
I never thought much about their relationship, mostly because I tended to think of it as having little if anything to do with my relationship with him. He and I aren't primary, the two of them aren't primary, we're all just dating. The other day I opened up Fetlife (the BDSM equivalent of Facebook), and lo and behold, there's a notification that he's officially "dating" someone. I'm a bit curious, because it's not his style to do the whole social network relationship thing, so I look at her profile and along with a sentence that identifies her to me as this particular person, she also refers to him as her boyfriend. I was spun. Somehow her use of that word made me feel threatened and jealous and suddenly i was wondering whether his non-responsiveness and the fact that he hadn't been wanting to play were because of their relationship.
I pondered for a day, then did the adult thing and called him to talk about it. I let him know that I was feeling insecure, and that it had been sparked by reading her referring to him as her boyfriend, as well as by our recent lack of face-time and BDSM play. He asked what I needed from him in order to feel better, and I told him that I needed clarity on where the two of us stand. I asked specifically about our reduced contact and lack of play, and he attributed them squarely to his work-stress. He then proceeded to explain that she's been trying to maneuver him into an exclusive relationship despite his repeated assertions that he's not open to that. He described a bunch of behavior, including her repeated use of the term boyfriend when introducing him to people even though he's told her that he doesn't want to inhabit that role, and her repeatedly asking "aren't we exclusive now" when they've never agreed any such thing. He told me that there's a decent chance that their relationship will fall apart because of this issue. He also told me that he in no way wanted our relationship to suffer, and that he would work to be more available and responsive to me, and he told me that he was glad I'd brought the issue to him.
I now find myself deeply confused. My various and sundry trains of thought are as follows:
On the one hand, I don't feel nearly so threatened now that I have been reassured that his reason for not being all that responsive or in the mood to play lately has nothing to do with her.
On the other hand, I don't particularly like that he was speaking ill of her to me - it just seems inappropriate.
On the other other hand, I really don't like that there's someone actively trying to eject me from his life, and that he hasn't shut it down for good. It feels really disrespectful of my feelings, on her part, and I wish he weren't so tolerant of it.
Then again, this last part may or may not be any of my damned business.
In my conversations with friends since he and I talked it has been pointed out to me that I may be getting too emotionally invested in what's going on between the two of them, particularly in judging her behavior.
Another thought about which I feel extremely silly is this: I feel badly about the fact that his profile on the social network that we use (not particularly actively, though) now acknowledges her but not me. It makes me feel less-than, invisible. That being the case, I would rather like that same acknowledgment for our relationship (this is totally possible on Fetlife - one can list an unlimited number of relationships of varying kinds). That, however, seems like the sort of thing that might well set off problems with her, since she clearly resents my existence in his life. Had I, therefore, ought to remain silent about the matter in the interest of harmony? Since I probably care less about it than she does (after all, it has never occurred to me to want this before), I wonder whether asking for it now is a form of keeping score or pettiness.
Thank you in advance for your advice and perspectives.
