Advise please. Am I being unreasonable?

[Dottie]

Hi All

First for a little background.

Have been in a V relationship for 10 years week with my partner as the hinge. Over that time my prayer has had a few other relationships, none of which have lasted long and always ended with some regret on my partners behalf. They didn't treat her well. I have not had another relationship in the time we have been together as I have focused on my career and our children, thinking there would be time for that later.

About 6 months ago my partner started seeing a person who is in her performance class. They have had a few hiccups along the way but all in all it seems to be going well for them. My partner is absolutely besotted by this person. I understand about NRE but this just seems to boarder on obsessive..

By partner is quite busy. She has work, study, performance classes, performances, seeing her 3rd partner, regular visits with her bio family and outings with friends. In our original V relationship we also have two children which we share care and responsibility for.

My problem is that I am feeling neglected and wanting more of her time. I tried to talk to her about this and she accused me of being controlling, saying she would follow her interests in respect of not wanting to regret not having done so when she is older. She also said...but not in these words, that I basically need to get a life.

The other partner in our original V is feeling our mutual partners frequent absences too. We have not spoken directly about this. ..but a few passing comments make be believe so.

I'm looking for someone else's opinion on this. Someone who has more experience in poly than myself and is a fresh set of eyes looking at the situation. I am feeling neglected and am wanting more of my partners time. Am I being controlling in asking for this? Am I being overly sensitive by being upset that she is prioritising other things and people? If I am being controlling how can I not be...yet still have the time with my partner that I am wanting?

Thanks.

 

[Hannahfluke]

My husband and I have struggled with this type of thing a lot. He's a very social person, so he loves going out and hanging out with people. He also wants to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend. So I end up feeling neglected and like I'm not getting enough time. What I've found works, when approaching him about it, is to focus on us. Focus on the fact that I miss him and would like more time with him. When I focus on the reasons we're not spending time together, he gets defensive and has even gone as far as to say "I'm my own person, my time is my own to spend however I want."

For example, it's much more productive for me to say "We haven't had a lot of time together lately and I miss you. Could we schedule a date night this week?" If I say "You've spent 5 of the last 7 days with your girlfriend and it makes me feel like you don't like me anymore and don't want to see me. Why don't you want to spend the same type of time with me?", he gets defensive and usually angry and then both of us are upset and the conversation spirals down into a fight. I'm not perfect and I say the second thing way more than the first, but I'm working on changing that habit.

Perhaps your partner would respond better if you keep the focus on your relationship? Don't bring in the reasons you don't get to see her, just state that you miss her and that you'd like some time with her. When people feel judged, they are less likely to hear the subtext of the conversation, which is that you miss them and want more time with them. She probably just hears that you disagree with the life she's pursuing, which, in all likelihood, makes her feel like you are judging her and finding her wanting. So focusing on the need you have without focusing on why it isn't being met, could help.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Dottie,

Sounds like your V is turning into a Y and your hinge (hub?) partner is drunk on NRE. It's not a surprise that you are getting shorted on the time and attention you need.

All you can do is follow Hannahfluke's advice, and, if that doesn't work and you're just feeling more and more unhappy in the relationship, consider cutting the ties and seeking out a different partner who will be more realistic, fair, and considerate.